New Topic : Yo Mama

usernewname · April 2014

I have a situation here - looking for your stories! We all have MIL who drive us bonkers, but what about your own mother? I actually get along better with my MIL than my mother most days.

I love my mamma, she's just pushy and gets all sensitive when people don't do what she wants. I've always marched to my own drum, so inevitably, we butt heads. A LOT. Its easier now that I live far away, but I do secretly wish I had that amazing mother-daughter relationship.

Anyway, my current situation is her being present for the birth. Which is a BIG negative for my liking. She knows this. I've told her it - several times. At my shower, she had the nerve to ask me in front of everyone. I ignored the question and it didn't seem to be noticed that I didn't answer it. But then I hear she's going around telling people she will be present for the birth (my MIL included, who knows we are not calling until after baby is born). I lied to my mother and said there is no waiting room, and no one allowed in the room besides the spouse (my MW knows I've told her this and will help me out should she arrive). This weekend they drove 6 hours one way to stay for 18 hours - whatever, short and sweet and got a trip to Costco. But it came up TWICE again! Now she's all butthurt and my sister and I got into it as she was saying I was being selfish.

I know I'm being selfish. I know the grandparents are excited, as well as my sisters. But I don't need my mom pushing me to do things I don't want (she's convinced I won't be able to breastfeed) and she's pushing for baby things I've declined over and over again. Anyway, I digress and ramble, but I don't want to be made to feel like a failure when I want to figure it out on my own and let whatever will happen, happen. I do have time on my side with a 6 hour trip, but we are preferring to call after baby is born and all is well.

So, someone please tell me I'm not alone in motherly kerfuffles. Something to get my mind off mucus plugs and labour

kat8805 · April 2014

Mucous plugs and labor!! Unicorns and glitter!! Pickles and ice cream!! Sorry, I had to.

You are in no way being selfish. Does your sister have kids of her own? How nice of your grown ass mother to essentially be throwing a tantrum to get her way. I'd stick to your plan, this is your family now, and your wants and needs come first. Fluff the rest of them and whatever they think they're entitled to.

Edit: I'd like to apologize in advance for anymore heinous acts against grammar that my brain commits in the near future. I have no control over the constant flatulence it emits.

cbrust · April 2014

You are so not alone. I, too, get a long better with my MIL than my mom. My mom was a NICU nurse and thinks she knows everything about fertility, pregnancy, delivery, babies, breast feeding, you name it and she knows what is BEST. I have seen her criticize other new moms and it ain't pretty, and I'm NOT allowing her to do that to me. She is not allowed to visit me in the hospital until I'm atleast moved to the postpartum floor (if I even decide she is allowed to come to the hospital at all) and she'll be limited to short visits in the first few weeks because I know I won't be able to handle her trying to tell me how to do everything "right."

I don't think your being selfish at all. It's perfectly understandable that you don't want her there in the room with you, and she needs to accept and respect your wishes!

usernewname · April 2014

Thanks ladies - I do feel like I'm being selfish, but its what is right in my heart and I want a second to breathe and enjoy those first moments before everyone is all gimme gimme gimme. As a FTM, all this unexpected is a little daunting and we want to take it one step at a time.

DH is completely on board, and wasn't even a debate - he wants those first moments too. My in-laws are quite fine with it - my MIL was confused as to why my mom was saying that she was going to be there, but didn't want to burst her bubble.

She can stomp all she wants, this bitch DGAF.

Tnpeach · April 2014

My mom is a stupid cow. It's a long story, and not a part of your story. But I agree. Mil is actually better than mom, but no one will be there.

You are totally in the right. Your mom need to back the French off.

babyaotw · April 2014

Your labor. Your baby. Your decision. I wouldn't want my mom there either. Mine whines that my SIL let her be there. I don't give a glittery shit. If your mom stresses you out with negative comments and unwanted advice, she should wait until you're ready for her!

lovey1 · April 2014

Stick with your decision. My mom and sister were in the room with me and DH. Both had natural non-medicated births but i opted for an epidural. The entire time both were complaining that it was taking so long. Also, it happened to be a fight night and it seemed as if they were more interested in finding out who won the fight than me and the baby. I should've kicked them out.

RedInLove · April 2014

Of course you're being selfish, and of course this is a good time to be that way. DH and I are also being quite selfish with our first LO and will also not be having anyone else with us during labor, delivery, and some time after LO's birth. So far I haven't had either mom ask to be in the room. I know my mom would camp out in the waiting room, and has hinted at expecting a phone call when I'm in labor. But since we want some post time to ourselves as well, that phone call will be made at the time we choose, and will be by design based on what's going on.

Mom (yours, mine, etc.) can think whatever they want about how it's going to play out. They can tell who they want whatever they want. It won't make it so. If it means not calling them right away to ensure your delivery is what YOU want it to be, then that's what you do. Unless she's going to camp outside your house and follow you everywhere you go, she's just not going to know until you want her to. I don't feel guilty about our decision at all.

Emmagk · April 2014

You're the one pushing a human being out your vag, you get to dictate who watches that. Stick to your guns and don't give in.

EmilyGolden1 · April 2014

My mom asked once if she could be in the room and she got a firm NO WAY. if she stresses you out in normal everyday life, she will definitely stress you out in labor-- which could affect your labor progress. Stick to your guns, this is YOUR family and your are not being one bit selfish.

QOTR · April 2014

Don't be bullied or made to feel guilty. She had her babies already. This is all about you and your husband and your baby.

We've told everyone that we won't be hosting visitors for the first two weeks and I'm really leaning toward not even telling anyone when we go into labor. I don't want the distractions of people texting or calling.

dogsombrero · April 2014

Both MIL and my Mom agree that the only 2 people that should be in the delivery room are the 2 that made the baby. My Mom will be flying our for 1 week when we get released to feed us and help keep things up around our place since DH is going back to work immediately. You don't owe anyone anything stick to your guns!

gypsymystic · April 2014

My Mother is pushing for the same thing, but she literally pushed my H out of the way and would not let him do anything for me, or the baby with my DS1, so we told her this time it would be just H and I in the room. As expected, she's throwing a similar tantrum and being insistent both publically and privately that she will be there the moment our next son is born. Not happenin.

MIL is a trip too. She loves to try and add stress to any situation but with each pregnancy she tells me shit like "My feet were never swollen during my 3 pregnancies... (over 30 years ago) there must be SOMETHING WRONG with you." and other gems like that. According to her, she never got stretch marks, her kids never cried when they teethed like DS1, Never had trouble BF, She never had baby blues of PP trouble, Never had sore boobs or period cramps, Her children were NEVER sick, and much more. Since she had the perfect, model pregnancies and model children (though 2 of her kids ended up with diabetes, one juvenile onset and the other before the age of 30... so.. yeah) there MUST be something wrong with me and my child(ren)/pregnancies.

Or maybe she's just a total whacko. I lucked out having both a mom & MIL who are such kind and generous bearers of negativity and stress.

Edit: add suitable GIF

daisyemerson · April 2014

I have a GREAT relationship with my mom...but she's still not allowed in the delivery room! She's not even allowed in the hospital, I don't want any pressure to let people in because they've been I'm the waiting room for 17 hours.
It's helpful that my parents live 3 days' drive away (they will fly), but the conversation was still awkward to have. Luckily they're financially able to get a last minute flight so I don't have to deal with having company for days/weeks before labor
But here's the selfish part: she wants me to call as soon as I go into labor, so she can be there the next day at the latest but I'm not going to call until after she's born. I want an extra day or two alone with dd and dh. And I LOVE my parents! ...I just feel like I'm entitled to have the experience I want, and what I want is a private affair. *I* want to hold my baby, not pass her around for everyone else to hold. I want to bond and learn how to breast feed without an audience and everyone's opinions about how to do things.
I think that's the great thing about being the mom-to-be: forget traditions and customs and everyone else's expectations and do whatever you want. They had the experience that they wanted or chose when it was THEIR turn, got to name THEIR children, got to make all the decisions to rear THEIR babies, now it's your baby, your turn, and you can do whatever you want.

Mimaloo · April 2014

You're allowed to be selfish right now - this is all about you, your husband and your baby.

Personally, I don't understand the whole "other people besides you and DH in the delivery room" thing but for some people it works. If it doesn't work for you then put your foot down and don't you dare feel guilty about it!!!

usernewname · April 2014

Azlebella said:

My Mother is pushing for the same thing, but she literally pushed my H out of the way and would not let him do anything for me, or the baby with my DS1, so we told her this time it would be just H and I in the room. As expected, she's throwing a similar tantrum and being insistent both publically and privately that she will be there the moment our next son is born. Not happenin.

That would be what my mother would do, push DH out of the way and take the experience from him.

Lild09 · April 2014

First of all it's your choice as to who is in the room and it's not selfish to do something you know is best for you, your DH and your baby. It is selfish that your mother does not respect your wishes.

No one will be in the room with me outside of my DH and midwife. Absolutely no one. Also we are not having anyone visit or see us right away....they can wait a few hours. This is a spiritual and emotional time for us and we need time to ourselves after our baby is here to bond, to smile, cry, laugh, pray.... all those crazy things as a husband and wife and as new parents...a new family. If that's selfish then fine but I don't think in any way that it is.

If I were you I wouldn't even tell her I was in labour until after the baby is born since she clearly has no respect for you or your DH.

My mom is ummm yeah she doesn't really care so I don't have to worry about my fam there...DH will be telling his inlaws this week that there is no waiting in the waiting room and there is no visiting as I'm labouring or right after the baby is born. Luckily my inlaws are amazing and will respect our wishes as a family

lrmrtn · April 2014

My mom is awesome but she's still not allowed in the delivery room once I start pushing and she'll respect that. I'm fine with her in the waiting room though. You have to do what you're comfortable with. If there's anytime its okay to be selfish, this is it.

eghulse · April 2014

I'll be calling my mom when I realize I'm in labor so she can come get ds, but she is definitely not allowed in the delivery room. She thinks that she should be allowed, even though we've done this before!

DH kept everyone in the loop via text last time, and as soon as we were thinking about a c section, my mom was in the car, and waited in the waiting room for an hour without us knowing before we said yes, were going to surgery, at which point she was in my room as fast as she could get away with. Granted, I appreciated having her there for support when we decided on the cs, but I'm still hoping this one goes smoother and I don't have to deal with her thinking she is entitled to be there as soon as the cord is cut.

whitneymarie003 · April 2014

lrmrtn said:
My mom is awesome but she's still not allowed in the delivery room once I start pushing and she'll respect that. I'm fine with her in the waiting room though. You have to do what you're comfortable with. If there's anytime its okay to be selfish, this is it.

Exactly this. I have made it clear that I don't want my MIL around while I'm laboring at all, and my mom will go out to the waiting room when it's time to push. I can only imagine how uncomfortable / painful labor is going to be so I don't feel bad voicing my opinion. I'm not going to stress myself out more just to please them.

ho11yday · April 2014

There is no way you are being selfish.

With DS1, we didn't tell my in-laws we were having the baby until after he was born. This time, we don't have the luxury as I need my SIL2 to watch DS1. DH thinks that having his mother help with DS1 will keep her out of our hair. LIES. I have told DH that his family is not allowed to be there if he is not with me; I know I'll be tired and not wanting to deal with their BS (and I mean that in the most kind and loving way possible as I don't really *not* like his family...they are just a handful most of the time and overbearing); if he is not there to mediate, then I won't be dealing with anyone.

I'm lucky that my mother and father are 3 hours away and that my mother has no desire to be in the room with me. My mother annoys me for her own reasons, but this is not one of them.

gypsymystic · April 2014

mary97 said:

The selfish one is your mother, not you. This is a special moment for you and your husband. For my delivery, you aren't part of the medical staff and weren't present for the conception, you don't belong there. My hospital won't allow visitors for at least an hour after birth, they do skin-to-skin for hour before they do weight and measurement, etc. My mom thinks that is awesome, special time for my husband and I and our new family. My mom has every intention of being in that waiting room though, even if it's for 24 hours. I'm ok with that, I'd' like for my folks to be there in case I need them or things start getting scary. MIL is another story, I'd rather wait until baby is born to call. For me it's all about who will be comforting presence or not.

Exactly this.

gypsymystic · April 2014

florassecret said:

Azlebella said:

My Mother is pushing for the same thing, but she literally pushed my H out of the way and would not let him do anything for me, or the baby with my DS1, so we told her this time it would be just H and I in the room. As expected, she's throwing a similar tantrum and being insistent both publically and privately that she will be there the moment our next son is born. Not happenin.

That would be what my mother would do, push DH out of the way and take the experience from him.

Beware, my mom also kept telling the staff to "give her more meds, she's having a panic attack, can't you tell?" I had the oxygen mask on, and I just stayed quiet at first. They actually did give me stadol right after that because I finally spoke up and said I felt nervous the epidural wasn't able to be given yet, as they were finishing up my lab work (I was already at an 8 when I arrived at the hospital). Pretty sure I was anxious because of HER. Anyhow, the Stadol made me soooo out of it through my entire delivery and afterwards, and at one point (I had the pump type of Epi with the button to push if I 'felt anything') She took the damn button and kept pushing it every 15 minutes at the max!! My H is still reeling about it nearly 5 years later, and I am absolutely sure I will have her escorted out this time- even before it is time to push if she so much as says a word.

She was initially insanely jealous because I asked my Sister- whom I am very close to, to be there to help me labor with DS1 and she actually said it was 'unfair' and it should be her, and that if they only allowed one person my sister could go twiddle her thumbs in the waiting room because I owed it to her to allow her to be the first one to see her grandson. Luckily they allowed both of them and my sister was super supportive, as I knew she would be. My mother and I have always had our differences but sometimes I am astounded by her level of immaturity, selfishness and audacity. I know better know then to even give her the time of day when she starts in...

usernewname · April 2014

So glad I'm not the only one - but you think mothers would get it. Obviously they have been there before, and they know how it all goes down and who they want there MIL or mother.

My grandma passed before my mom had me (I'm the oldest) so I'm sure that has something to do with it too. But if my mom and I had a relationship prior to all this like she has with my youngest sister (which I am very envious of) it would be no brainer - she could be there. But that's not where life brought us.

And I can only hope to create a bond and relationship with my own children one day that lasts a lifetime (I'm going to stop before I get all sappy).

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