NBR:WWYD??

Cambury108 · April 2014

So I will keep this short and to the point.

I am stuck in a situation and don't know what to do.

Went out to eat today with my DH for lunch....We saw 2 tables over one of our good friends husband. With another woman. With his job at first I didn't even bat an eye...Till they were all over each other. When I got up to go to the restroom on my way back he saw me, we made eye contact. He knows I know. I just got a phone call from him begging me not to tell his wife. He said it was a 1 time thing and a mistake blah blah blah. I didn't make him any promises, Just listened and then told him I had to cook dinner.

I am torn. WWYD ladies?

If it makes a difference I want to tell her because I would want to know, but DH says its not our business and 1/2 of me agrees. UGH!

greenbeanqueen · April 2014

I would just tell her. She deserves to know. He knows he was wrong or he wouldn't have called you. I mean you could stay out of it but if it was reversed wouldn't you want to know? Also, if she found out later that you knew that would make the betrayal worse.

cammyisagirlsname · April 2014

Tell her.

Cambury108 · April 2014

greenbeanqueen that is what I said to DH. I do want to tell her. I wanted to tell her from the second I saw them in the restaurant and even more so since he called me. I just needed another woman to agree with me that it was the right choice I guess since I will be going against DH. I just have to now figure out how to tell her. They just had a baby 4.5 weeks ago so I am sure her emotions are all over.

notkateanymore · April 2014

There is no question in my mind...you tell her exactly what you saw and that he called and asked you not to tell her. I would tell her asap and you do not need to tell him that you are telling her. He fucked up, not your problem.

Cambury108 · April 2014

Yup @Hercules03 that is the thing DH is worried about but I told him as a woman I would want to know my husband was stepping out on me. If she stops being friends with me then I guess whatever. I didn't do anything wrong and I would hope with how close we are that our friendship would last thru this.

Thanks for the reasurance that I want to do the right thing ladies!

Cambury108 · April 2014

hercules03 said:

And you need to call or tell her in person. No texts or emails. Nothing that he could intercept.

I wouldn't tell her something like that thru text, I plan on calling her either tonight after my kiddos go to bed or tomorrow during the day when I know her DH is at work.

azmama20 · April 2014

I would tell her. I would want to be told if my H was fooling around. You have to do the right thing. He fucked up, and IMO made it seem more suspicious when he called and begged you not to tell his wife. I agree with PPs that this likely was not a one time deal. I'm typically in line with the mindset of "once a cheater, always a cheater".

Cambury108 · April 2014

rfred20 said:

I would tell her. I would want to be told if my H was fooling around. You have to do the right thing. He fucked up, and IMO made it seem more suspicious when he called and begged you not to tell his wife. I agree with PPs that this likely was not a one time deal. I'm typically in line with the mindset of "once a cheater, always a cheater".

I rolled my eyes so hard when he told me that I swear I saw the back of my brain, The way these two were with each other they were familiar with each other, I always liked him and never thought he was that "type" of guy guess I learned something today.

azmama20 · April 2014

Cambury108 said:

rfred20 said:

I would tell her. I would want to be told if my H was fooling around. You have to do the right thing. He fucked up, and IMO made it seem more suspicious when he called and begged you not to tell his wife. I agree with PPs that this likely was not a one time deal. I'm typically in line with the mindset of "once a cheater, always a cheater".

I rolled my eyes so hard when he told me that I swear I saw the back of my brain, The way these two were with each other they were familiar with each other, I always liked him and never thought he was that "type" of guy guess I learned something today.

Unfortunately, your friend probably doesn't think he's that type either. Which is why you should tell her.

golfingdarwinfish · April 2014

Unlike everyone else, I'm not too sure I would tell her. Yes, her husband is a cheating asshole and she deserves to know, but her life is about to be turned upside down and inside out, and she deserves to hear that from him.

I would probably do one of two things. A) tell her I saw him with a female, describe her, and say it didn't look like a professional meeting and encourage her to confront him about it. If he lied to her I would be more forthcoming explaining that you didn't want it to come to this as you wanted to give him a chance to come clean, and then give her a bit more of a detailed description of the encounter.

Push him to tell her by telling him that you are going to do so, though this could be a bit of cat and mouse.

RanFan28 · April 2014

She needs to know. So, you tell her, unless he can provide some proof that he's told her, which he doesn't sound real keen on doing since he asked you not to tell.

74dragonfly · April 2014

I'd tell. With HIV and other diseases it is wrong not to warn her. I'd want to know. Especially from a good friend.

cherylnicole · April 2014

Yea, you definitely need to tell her.

It's not your problem he cheated...and if it's a "one time thing" like he says, then he can explain that all to his wife himself. I can't believe he called you pleading with you not to tell! Ridiculous.

Imagine too, if she ends up finding out and then finds out you knew about it as well. I would call her and tell her, but that's just me

jaykay627 · April 2014

I would also lean more toward giving him an ultimatum first. Tell him he has to tell her or you will. There's a good chance you won't be friends after this, even though you did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, it just works out like that a lot of times.

I also agree that it isn't an automatic death sentence for their marriage, so like PPs suggested, I would only offer advice if it's solicited. He may be a cheating asshole, but he's still her husband (unless/until she decides otherwise), so be respectful of that. Sorry you're in such an awkward position. Good luck.

JillSandm · April 2014

Ugh. Awkward! But I think you have to tell her for all the reasons listed already - disease, etc. She may decide she hates you for a time, but if you keep your opinion to yourself and just state the facts, she'll probably come around in the end.

azmama20 · April 2014

My husband weighed in on the issue and said he would have walked up to him in the restaurant and asked "well, are you going to tell her, or am I?"

CandiP523 · April 2014

I agree with giving him the option of telling her first.

cammyisagirlsname · April 2014

More of my 2¢:

What a stupid idiot to do it in public where people can see him.

And I second @Heaven802002‌. Thanks for keeping it short!

tyedyeme12 · April 2014

rfred20 said:
My husband weighed in on the issue and said he would have walked up to him in the restaurant and asked "well, are you going to tell her, or am I?"

I asked my husband, he said he'd just punch him.

ETA: I'm team tell her.

bubblesmtu · April 2014

I would tell her for sure.
Part of me wonders if he wanted to get caught since he did that in public.

shelbygirrrrl · April 2014

I'm on team tell her as well. Sorry you're in this awkward situation!

Kermode61581 · April 2014

As someone who has been cheated on it is definitely better to know than not. Also I wouldn't count him telling her. I asked my ex when I found if he would have told me and he said no.

Ltpugs · April 2014

bubblesmtu said:
I would tell her for sure.
Part of me wonders if he wanted to get caught since he did that in public.

This is what I was thinking.

cboink · April 2014

Sooo here's my personal experience... I was engaged, went out of town planning our wedding and while I was away he slept with an aquaintence at a party with a large group of our friends. A few of said friends knew this happened and never said anything to me so we went and got married. A few months later I found out about the relations and found out that certain friends knew. I was devistated and felt betrayed by these friends especially because they were my friends prior to our relationship. In other words TELL HER please she deserves to know.

lp0 · April 2014

If it were me I would definitely tell him that he needs to tell her or you will. It is a health concern for her and that baby.

I agree though that there's a good chance if you tell her that you may not be friends anymore. I was in a similar situation where my DH found out my friend's boyfriend was posting make pics of her on the Internet. I told her and after a brief breakup she took him back. We didn't feel comfortable around him after that and she took her anger out on us.

Cambury108 · April 2014

So here is the update.

I called him back, told him that he could tell her or I was going to. He pleaded once again for me to keep it a secret. I knew then that he wasn't going to tell her, I also knew from the background noise he wasn't at home. I called her, we chatted for a few and then I just told her point blank and as nicely as I could what I saw today. She cried. But she also said he hasn't touched her since Oct and she thought it was because of the pregnancy but now her deep suspicions have been confirmed. She did not seem mad at me. I didn't offer her anything except what I saw. I also let her know about the phone calls with her DH and his begging, she asked me to screen shot her the call log on my phone so she could confront him when he gets home.

Ladies please pray for her to have strength thru this. They have been together for about 9 years and have 3 children together. Thank you all for your advice and help thru this. This was not a position I ever wanted to be in, awkward to say the least.

74dragonfly · April 2014

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you told her. I feel bad for her.

Cambury108 · April 2014

KKDRAGONFLY said:

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you told her. I feel bad for her.

I feel bad for her as well. That was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever made.

lilypienmessimy · April 2014

Oh man, super late to this and I was team tell her. Glad you told her, I feel so bad that she had her suspicions and they have a new baby. It's just awful. Definitely thinking about her, she has some tough decisions and conversations ahead.

Kermode61581 · April 2014

I know it sounds weird but in the in the long run she will be thankful you told her. I hope it works out well for her.

stacers33 · April 2014

Nrg2020 said:
I didn't read all the responses but people are saying your friendship could end if you tell her, but could you honestly be friends with her if you didn't tell her??

This exactly!

Aycul18 · April 2014

Glad you told her but have him the option first.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, though they are not married and no longer together at this point anyway. My friend was out of town and his girlfriend was making out with another guy. I caught them and gave her the option of telling him before I did. She actually did tell him.

You did the right thing. She deserved to know. I hope she makes it through this ok, whatever she decides to do.

lifesaverz · April 2014

Glad you told her, thanks for posting the update too. Man I'm so sad for her, how terrible, especially with a new baby.

. I'm sure you must've felt awful having that conversation!

BoothBaby · April 2014

Another latecomer, but just wanted to say that you did the right thing! All you can do now is offer support if she needs it. I'm sorry you were put in that situation, it is just all around crappy! Hope things work out OK for your friend.

cherylnicole · April 2014

I'm so sorry you had to be put in that position but good for you for stepping up and telling her.

MissyC979 · April 2014

That poor woman--and with a new baby. I don't think I could have handled finding out something like that with all my post-partum hormones raging and sleep deprivation on top of that. Poor thing.

greenbeanqueen · April 2014

MarBee1214 said:

Edited because I didn't read till after I commented.

Personally I think you should have given him a few days to fess up. Can you imagine having to try to tell your spouse that you messed up? You'd want some time to decide how to do it.

But what's done is done

I could never cheat on my spouse so it isnt something I can Imagine. I can imagine how livid I would be if my friend knew this information and didnt tell me. Her DH doesnt deserve any time. Personally I would have snapped a picture of him doing what he did and texted it to her after I called her so she would have proof. I'd rather lose a friend doing what I know is right. I have no sympathy for cheaters. My sister's first fiancé cheated on her and she found out one of her friends knew and said nothing. Her friends betrayal hurt just as bad as her fiancé's.

notkateanymore · April 2014

He wasn't going to tell her, no matter if he had an hour or a year. He wouldn't have call asking her not to tell.

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