Jealous of SIL

TallyKyle · April 2014

Hello all,

So my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a little while, no urgency, no concerns, just really starting to try. Last night, my husband's brother and his wife announced they are pregnant. As excited as I am for them, I can't help but feel an overwhelming pang of jealousy. We got married first, we were expecting to get pregnant first. I know it's not a competition, but with my husband and his brother, everything is a competition, With the new baby, our concern is that they are going to take one of the baby names we like. They never expressed any interest in the name of their grandmother until we said something.

I am always jealous of my sister-in-law. I feel like everyone likes her more. We have totally different personalities and I feel that she is a kiss-ass. She's a sweet girl, so I HATE feeling this way.

How can I get over or cope with these feeling of jealousy? Any suggestions?

Jags8 · April 2014

I was in a similar situation. DH's little 20-year-old brother met and married a woman within 5 months (would've been sooner but they were waiting for her divorce to go through). Then they got pregnant within a few months. I was pretty jealous because I guess I wanted to be the first one in DH's family. But I realized that DH's family will love our future kids just the same, sucked it up, and got over it.

meld42 · April 2014

How's your relationship with her? For me, I find trying to improve my relationship with someone helps reduce feelings of jealousy. Getting closer to them and forming a stronger foundation makes it so much easier to feel with them.

It sucks, and I know that "sinking gut" feeling that happens when you see someone else gets pregnant before you. But, from someone who has a strained relationship with her SIL, you want to try to reduce any friction! I really wish I could have a good relationship with mine, especially when we have our babies.

ETA: with the name thing, it sucks, but it's one of those things you're going to have to just deal with if they end up using it.

AlanaB2010 · April 2014

I say confirm for yourself that jealousy is natural, and then try to move forward in a positive way. Your TTC wait isn't her fault....but it's also normal to wish you had what other people have. If you're of child-bearing age and having troubles TTC, this feeling is going to happen to you A LOT. Best to confront it now and find ways to cope. I'm traveling in 2 weeks to attend a joint baby shower for two friends and to meet the brand new babies of 2 other friends. I'm about to see people I don't get to see that often and who I LOVE....and yet I'm bummed. It's a work in progress, but I (and you) need to work to move past it.

ToryKate · April 2014

My sister DID steal the name I wanted. I had always been vocal about wanting to name a son after my dad, she jacked it. The thing that helped me get over it was realizing we might never have a boy. And how lame will I feel for making a stink about it if we end up with all girls? You can't call shotgun on names, so don't stress about something you can't change.

Your SIL is probably over the moon happy and isn't doing anything to intentionally slight you. The thing that helped me get over my jealousy was loving my nephew. Now I get "jealous" when I don't get to be there for fun things with him because I moved out of state

YellowBag · April 2014

You sound like you are already part way there. Jealousy is a pretty normal feeling. You recognize that for what it is and have enough self-awareness to try to change it and not behave badly because of it.

Let yourself feel it for a little while, then try to focus on the positives. With any luck, your kid will have a cousin close in age.

12chachacha · April 2014

meld42 said:

How's your relationship with her? For me, I find trying to improve my relationship with someone helps reduce feelings of jealousy. Getting closer to them and forming a stronger foundation makes it so much easier to feel with them. It sucks, and I know that "sinking gut" feeling that happens when you see someone else gets pregnant before you. But, from someone who has a strained relationship with her SIL, you want to try to reduce any friction! I really wish I could have a good relationship with mine, especially when we have our babies. ETA: with the name thing, it sucks, but it's one of those things you're going to have to just deal with if they end up using it.

This is so true. It's hard to be jealous of someone who you truly care about. Also, it's easy to be jealous of someone you don't know very well because you don't know what else is going on in their life. I once had a conversation with a friend who confessed that she was jealous of me, and I had spent years being jealous of her. When you start adding and subtracting and comparing to other people you make yourself crazy - not just with the baby thing, but everything in your life.

lizzyp9112 · April 2014

Similarish situation here- my brother and his wife announced they were expecting last November, and while they got married about 2 years before us we are 10 years older than them (she was 21 when they got married a couple years ago, I was 31 on my wedding day). They were not trying and it was a big surprise. We have been hoping for a baby since we got married a year and a half ago, though we did not officially start TTC (as opposed to NTNP) until 8 months ago.

Like @NariaDreaming said, though, everyone is different. Your story is not the same as hers.

I have a tough time dealing with the now expecting SIL anyway. She has done some really shitty things to me including deleting and blocking me on FB then giving me a half ass apology months later, saying she was upset that I said something she didn't like (she never told me what I said that made her that angry but I'm a generally inoffensive person so who knows). At the same time, I get to have a new nephew, and I know that one day my husband and I will have a baby, whether our own or through adoption, so we just need to be patient.

The best way I deal with it is focusing on the positive. It's not always easy but that's the best way to handle any situation in life.

YaMrWhite · April 2014

All good advice above and while it would be a little weird for cousins to share a name, remember names are not possessions. Even if she chooses a name you like, you can still use it if you like it that much.

8411mommy · April 2014

Names have always been a family battle. (not with me though) I just remember when my brother was having a boy and he wanted so and so name and our cousin was having a boy and he wanted so and so name. Or my cousin would say that everybody is stealing the names that he thought of first....

In the end it is best just to keep your future kid's names a secret if you don't want them being taken by another family member.

Also I feel that it is common for you to be jealous over your SIL, but just remember everything that @NariaDreaming mentioned. It was very helpful

mommy2C · April 2014

I think we have all felt that way at one point or another. My best and most beloved friend found out she was pregnant in December. I felt jealous for about an hour and then I got over it because I love my friend so much and we are a great support to one another. I'm super excited for her and am helping to plan her baby shower. I also plan to support her after baby is born and bring food, offer to go over to her place to give her a chance to rest etc. So it really is true that when you care about someone it is really hard to stay jealous of them.

spiltmilkz · April 2014

PP have made great comments. Jealousy is normal, its something everyone struggles with in one way or another. I had plenty experience with jealousy when all my friends/family were married before me and started have babies before I even met my husband. I always dreamed of having babies early in life and when everyone elses dreams came true before mine, it was hard. But the best thing to remember is you get to be an auntie! You get to cuddle and squish on a beautiful baby that you will love and will love you back. Your time will come and no one will feel less love for you baby because it isnt first.

katie0919 · April 2014

I can understand the twinge of jealousy, but just as a small word of advice, try not to let it ruin your relationship with her (if you have one)....my husband's sister and I were very close for years, hung out a lot, talked all the time, etc. We got married within 3 months of each other, however I am 3 years older than her. When DH and I announced we were pregnant, her mouth dropped to the floor...and not in a good way. She instantly stopped talking to me, and for no apparent reason. She and her DH were not even ready to begin their family yet. They began trying when my son was about 7 months old, and she got pregnant the first month and now has a 1 year old son. I mean, she had absolutely ZERO reason to shut me out, but she did. And here we are over 3 years since I announced my pregnancy and we still have not recovered. And to this day it still makes me sad that she gave up our friendship because of what I can only perceive to be jealousy. Trust me, she wasn't thinking about you when she got pregnant - her life does not have anything to do with yours. I would try to get past it and be happy for them, even though I know it can be hard.

barely · April 2014

I think the jealousy is pretty normal, especially when it's something you want so badly. It's just something you have to work through. Hopefully your time will come soon.

kmaty13 · April 2014

I think it's normal to feel jealousy when you're TTC. A few of my friends have announced their pregnancies in the past few months and I've felt jealous. But my being so happy for them outweighed that. Like others have said, their fertility has no bearing on my own. And you don't always know what they went through to become pregnant. If she takes a name you like? Shit happens. My niece has a name that I love but I just have to pick something else, it's not the end of the world. Try to focus on the positive, as tough as it may seem sometimes.

ladybug212 · April 2014

I might be an oddball in this thought, but if you really like the name I say use it anyway!

12chachacha · April 2014

You could also pick a name that has a similar root or a similar meaning.

lizzyp9112 · April 2014

I have first cousins that have used both of my parents names (which are not family names) for their children.

I'm still going to use them, just in a different way. Like 123chachacha said, I can use a name with a similar root or spelled slightly differently. They're *my* parents, FFS, and I plan to name my kids what I want to name them, whether my bitchy SIL beats me to the name or not.

I completely understand the concern since I had the same concern that you do, but at the end of the day it's your child and you get to decide the name that child will have. Make it something you love, whether or not someone else 'stole' the name.

PrimRoseMama · April 2014

It's not a competition & you need to grow up. They could have a boy. No one lays claim to a name. She who births first gets first pick on names. What is horrible about having more than one "Jane" to honor your Grandmother? It won't make your kid or pregnancy any less exciting or important. Please stop being petty.

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