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3rd Trimester
elle_tee19
member
*UPDATE in OP* WWYD: TdaP Troubles
elle_tee19
member
*UPDATE for you curious ones*
I sat DH down and as soon as I started talking about it, he immediately got upset and defensive. He said I was the unreasonable one for not wanting to let his family stay with us because "2 weeks is not a big deal". 2 WEEKS?! I thought it was 1 week. OH HELL NO. He also said that it was unreasonable to put his nieces and nephews "through the pain of getting a shot just to hold the baby". I told him fine, they just won't hold her then, and that I was willing to fork over the money for a second hotel room if they wouldn't. Anyway, he wasn't responding well to anything I was saying, so I left him alone and went to take a shower to relax.
While I was gone, he called his dad and he said they would get the second hotel room so no one would be staying with us...damn right after he just dropped the 2 weeks in there like it was NBD...and he said that if any of the kids have as much as a sniffle they won't be making the trip, but still won't be getting the shot. I admit I feel better, but still a little defeated at the same time.
I realized after reading some of the responses that this is indeed a bigger issue, and DH agrees. He had a "come to Jesus moment" as @RedheadBaker said, and admitted he (we) needed to work on some things before the baby is born.
Thank you for all the insight, advice, and opinions. It helped us tremendously.
*ORIGINAL "TL;DR" post*
I'm sorry in advance for the long post! I wanted to include as much info as possible to make my situation make sense...
I'm not the type of person to put a sign outside my door asking visitors to wash hands before touching baby, or placing a giant bottle of hand sanitizer out, making sure everyone uses it (not that I care if anyone else does it, it’s just not me), but with the TdaP vaccine, I'm conflicted.
I received the vaccine at 32 weeks, and DH was already up to date (we're active duty military). My midwife and the technician at the immunization clinic have both advised me that anyone planning on being close to LO should also receive the shot because "pertussis is not something to mess with." I'm not a medical professional, so I trust them and want to take their advice. I'm a FTM and just want to do what's best for my LO's health.
I've read many, many discussions on this topic on TB, and notice that a lot of people are planning to go as far as to not even let one time visitors (friends, distant relatives, etc.) see the baby unless they had the vaccine. No exceptions. I don't feel this way, however, I found it reasonable to check with my family and DH's family since they will definitely be around LO often and for extended periods of time.
My family lives in the local area and is all up to date on the vaccine. DH's family lives 17 hours away, but is planning a trip for 1 week, a week after my due date. I almost didn't bother having DH check if they were up to date, however, they just told us that it will be DH's mom, dad,& 2 sisters, brother, 2 nieces, and 3 nephews (all kids between the ages of 2 and 7). Since there will be 10 people, and the hotel will "only accommodate 6", 4 will have to stay with us in our tiny 2 bedroom apartment (this is a whole other issue I'm not comfortable with).
Due to the amount of people that will be in our small apartment so soon after the baby is born, I would feel more comfortable knowing that they have had the TdaP vaccine and especially aren't sick at the time.
DH assured me that he was on my side and agreed to ask his family to check if they're up to date. DH's mother was outraged and acted completely offended that he asked. Apparently, they believe that vaccines aren't necessary. She even threatened that none of them were going to come, which upset DH almost to the point he was in tears (this is our first child, and DH only sees his family once every few years). He apparently had taken back everything he said and asked them to still come...
I asked him if they were going to get the vaccine or if they already had it and he said, "Probably not, and I'm not going to ask them to again." There's already been several outbreaks of pertussis in their area, as well as ours, and I'm just not sure I'm comfortable risking my LO's health to have her around his family. When I say that to myself, I feel like a terrible person, and of course she should meet her grandparents at least, and maybe I'm overreacting? Then again, my baby, my rules, right? I'm so up in the air now about our situation and because of DH, telling them not to come isn't an option. I want to stand my ground, especially since I asked my family the same thing; luckily it wasn't an issue for them.
WWYD? Anyone else have a similar experience? DH has already told me that his nieces and nephews are going to be "all over the baby and want to hold her, and you are going to let them" and this just makes me cringe, especially if they're the non-vaccinating type...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: *UPDATE in OP* WWYD: TdaP Troubles
Sorry, just realized I never mentioned when I'm due. June 1, so they're planning on coming June 8 - June 15.
I completely agree about the house guests... DH will just not budge and feels like I'm just picking on his family...he doesn't know how stressful its going to be, even though I keep warning him that I'm already stressing over it!
About the hotels, I'm not sure what's up with it, but I'm thinking I'll do my own research and "help" them find one...due to living in a military town with an airport nearby, there are MANY hotels in the area.
Everytime I try to bring up my concerns to DH, he never wants to talk about it, and gets very angry...I guess I need to find a way to make him have the conversation with me. He just strongly feels like I'm victimizing his family. Also, all 10 of them live in a house together currently, and its all of them feeling that the shots aren't necessary, not just MIL.
@RedheadBaker That's why I don't even want to risk it.
I have a strong feeling at some point during their argument, his mom made me look like a crazy lady for wanting the vaccine, and now DH probably thinks I'm overreacting as well since his mom knows everything.
I wonder if I could get my midwife to talk to him about it, to see if it would change his mind at all coming from someone else...
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@quinncat I don't believe its the cost of the vaccine (not that it means much but they do make pretty good money), I think its the fact that they just don't want to get it, and don't see that its necessary. They're the type to not go to the dr for anything, especially shots.
Yes, they all want to share the same hotel room and don't want to spend money on a second. At this point, I'm tempted to shell out the money so they have no excuse, but I'm sure DH will protest.
Ugh. The reassurance that having so many people around at once is ludacris, is helpful to me though. Its nice to know other's feel the same way I do and I'm not just being a jerk to his family...
@ncbelle I'm almost hoping that baby isn't born before they come but my midwife says if she hasn't been born by June 8, they'll induce me that week--the week that his family will be here! Not sure if that'd be better, or worse (at least at the hospital they kids wouldn't be allowed to visit)
I guess my next obstacle will be to make DH talk to me about this. I'm just hoping he'll be a little more open minded about it if I sit him down and make it appear to be a serious issue to me...since it is after all!
@Peanutz21 Its not so much, that I'm willingly letting them stay with us. I'm pretty upset about it, and DH knows, but when it comes down to it, I guess he just doesn't care that it bothers me.
I'm a pretty non-confrontational person, but I'm starting to realize I need to put my foot down and just flat out tell him no. I guess its hard because he's my DH and I want him to be supportive rather than fight with me about it.
All the responses are super helpful everyone, thank you.
After reading what a few of you have said regarding DH needing to think of his baby vs his family...it sort of dawned on me, that he doesn't see it as protecting his child, he sees it as doing me a favor (not that that isn't a good enough reason in itself?
) and maybe that's why he's being a jerk about it?
Just another thing I'm going to have to remind him...its not for me, (although it would make it a lot easier) its for the baby.
Anyone that comes to visit us will be washing their hands or no touching baby sorry. They don't like it they can leave.
Hubby is getting vacc. I was going to talk to my Dr to see if my parents need to get it since they will be the seeing her the most.
You and hubby need to talk. Maybe your next Dr visit you can bring it up to the Dr so your hubby is with you.
As for his mom I think yelling at him saying they will not come. Well don't come. Your baby. She can't tell you what you believe or not believe in and if they don't feel vaccinations are necessary then they don't see the baby. The kids should not be all over a newborn either. Way too young for that right now.
Good luck.
Anyway, back to the OP. I think she got her answer, but I just wanted to give my 2cents. Like others have said, having that many people (and small children) at your apt the week you give birth is absolutely ridiculous! I am soooo sorry that your DH does not see this because he needs to get his priorities in check ASAP for the sake of your child. Good luck talking to him and don't give up!
AFM, we will have limited family/friends visiting in the first two months. My DH is taking some vacation time and also some paternity leave time. All-in-all, we both agreed that we'll need the space and alone time just to get adjusted. My boobs also need their space....actually, that's an idea! If you plan to breastfeed, and you can't convince them to come another time instead, just whip that boob out whenever and where-ever you want as if they weren't there! Don't let them bully you, but see how long it takes them to leave you alone then (assuming it makes them uncomfortable). I wish you luck, mama!
Thanks again!
BUT, your situation is much different. A bunch of unvaccinated people in your house for a week, including unvaccinated kids (that I assume are exposed to lots of other kids at school or daycare or such)? Oh hell no. I wouldn't allow them to stay even if they did have the shot, but not having what I assume are ANY vaccines, at least for the kids? No, no way.
If he's still unreasonable, explain the situation to your OB and have her talk to him at your next appointment.
Zoe Nicole: 8/21/14
Due again: 1/17/18
Zoe Nicole: 8/21/14
Due again: 1/17/18
:-/
I offered to let him read this discussion but he "doesn't care what others think." *sigh*
I'm tempted to just not talk about it anymore, then when they get here, quarantine the baby in her nursery, not letting them hold her. And when they act surprised and upset, tell them "Oh, it wasn't worth getting a shot for?" I know this wouldn't solve anything...that's just the evil DIL coming out of me...or the mama bear :-L
Zoe Nicole: 8/21/14
Due again: 1/17/18
Our next appointment is the 36 week check up on May 7th. I plan on mentioning it and seeing what she says.