Intro & Vent (I'm a stepmom)

Re: Intro & Vent (I'm a stepmom)

• Wahoo member

  April 2014

  I know you are frustrated, and I don't doubt that as a child who grew up with grandma and grandpa, your SS is a bit spoiled, but as a new mom (new to step-parenting as well expecting your first), I think you are micro-managing.  By age 8, a child should know if it is cold to wear pants.  If they don't - they get cold and they will remember next time.  The only problem would be if SS under-dresses for the weather and the whole family ends up listening to him whine or you turn around and go home because he is cold.
  
  FWIW, my son is 9.  We just had an 80-degree day on Monday, followed by a 50 degree day on Tues.  On Tuesday he was dressed in light shorts (the meshy-athletic kind) and a similar weight t-shirt.  I told him "why don't you go outside and see if what you are wearing is going to be too cold?  It got colder last night.  He went out and told me it was ok, so I said "well, at least bring a jacket" (because he won't be allowed out at recess if he doesn't have a jacket in cooler weather, otherwise I would just let him deal with being cold).  If he didn't want to wear the jacket, that was on him.
  
  Your H stepped up and told SS to wear a jacket - - he was handling it.  In a way, you corrected  / disagreed with H (implying that he should have noticed the shorts), and now are angry that he disagreed with / corrected you?
  
  You and your H are allowed to be different - with SS and with your LO.  If he openly disagrees with you (and I don't consider the jacket / pants issue as "openly disagreeing"), then you need to discuss SS in private. 
  
  There is a great book you can get on Half.com - STEP (not about blended families, S.T.E.P means something else).  It was actually a course but you can just read the material.  It is about natural consequences as a parenting technique.  It also deals with if your partner is not on the same page as you.  For example, if you have a bedtime of 8 pm, and your H allows his son to pitch a fit and not go to sleep - tell your H "I am going to bed.  You can put him to be any time you want - but YOU have to be the one to get him to school in the morning, because I am not going to deal with a cranky sleep-deprived."  If your H needs to get to work in the morning and wants you to take over, you need to tell him "If you want me to take care of SS in the morning, you need to put him in bed at the bedtime we agreed upon.  *I* am not going to deal with the consequences of YOU allowing him to stay up late.  YOU need to handle him in the morning if you allow him to stay up late."   
  
  
  

  "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

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• brittcraw75 member

  April 2014

  @Wahoo - You're probably right about the correcting/disagreeing with DH on the pants thing. I wasn't saying it that way, but I wouldn't doubt if that's how DH took it. And yes..I agree..wearing pants when it's cold isn't a big deal. That wasn't the issue as much as the defense he came at me with. And like I said, that's a regular thing. The pants disagreement probably wouldn't have bothered me at all if it weren't something that happens fairly often.

  
  

  Thing is, SS will refuse to wear a jacket or pants or..whatever..and shiver and complain for an hour. I'd like to keep my sanity, so I'd like him to dress warmly..and he won't do it on his own. 

  
  

  I can get down with logical consequences, but I don't know if natural consequences are my thing. We have set consequences we give him for breaking the rules, and they're relevant to him and effective..when used. Not knocking your way, I just don't think it's for me.

  
  

  The pants issue was just the situation that pushed me into a frustrated oblivion. Previous situations have been much more important things. It was probably a bad example to use, because if it makes it seem like it's always something like "wear pants, it's cold," then yes..that's micro-managing. It isn't that kind of thing that usually bothers me. Most of the time, it's things like "don't play violent video games," or "wipe when you go to the bathroom..ew," or "share your toys" kinds of things.

  
  

  I'll look up the book. Thanks!

  
  

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• ambrvan member

  April 2014 edited April 2014

  Your frustrations sound like a lot of my own in the past. Through counseling and listening - really listening - to my husband, I realized I was micromanaging and causing a lot of tge conflict myself. Not saying DH wasn't creating his share of conflict, but he was a lot more willing to be united with me once I reined in my micromanaging habits.
  
  One of the things my counselor had me do was make a list of everything I wanted/needed changed or done a certain way/my way. Then I showed this list to my husband, who scratched out about all of it. I looked at what was left, and decided I could live with that.
  
  In the past year my marriage has gone from on the verge of divorce to wonderfully full of love, plenty of effective communication, and a desire from both parts to work together to support the other.
  
  In short, I thought it was all him, but I realized a lot of his issues were fueled by my problems, and he was much more willing to meet me in the middle and on many things completely come to my side of the field.
  
  If you have already talked to him about how you feel and you're getting no where, ask him about how he feels. Listen. Don't interrupt. Don't try to argue your point or justify something. Just listen and ask him what you can do to make him happier (in regards to whatever the subject is). I bet it will get a much more willing response in more ways than you think, especially once he sees you making effort.
  
  Good luck. And trust me, I am in no way saying anything is your fault or anything. But a lot of people don't respond well to telling them what they're doing wrong.
  
  
  Edited for typos.

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• new+tothis member

  April 2014

  I agree with the PPs. Could you give a different example?

  
  

  My DH and I have both gone through stages of micromanaging. Neither of us believed it at the time. We had to really discuss what things we could live with and what we really needed changed. My husband needed me not to overrule him in from of DS (his step son). Honestly, he was right on that. So if DH tells him he needs to wear pants and I disagree I just shut my trap. If it was important enough I will mention it later and he genuinely works on not doing it in the future. It's what works for us. There are other things that are important to me - like natural consequences. DH helped me realize that when I don't use natural consequences it is probably because I'm micromanaging. 

  
  

  I'm not saying that's definitely what you're doing but it might be. It was really hard for me to accept that I was doing it. I still do it occasionally. I'd try to have a sit down with your DH and just talk about what you want changed (writing it down was a great idea) and finding a compromise. DH and I have both changed parenting styles since we really got into the thick of parenting and both changes were for the better.

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• brittcraw75 member

  April 2014 edited April 2014

  I'm going to swallow my pride and admit to myself and to y'all that..maybe you're right. He's told me the same thing, and I just kind of scoffed at the idea, thinking to myself, "No I'm not, and he's not managing at all, so...*sticks tongue out*." Not exactly, but paraphrased in a more fun, less mature way than in real life.

  
  

  A good friend told me today that no one is in control of the way I feel except me..not even DH. I can choose whether to let myself be (and/or remain) hurt or angry or upset over something. 

  
  

  Thanks to all of you for your wise words. I'll try my best to improve and stop sweating the small stuff. I think our relationship as a couple and as a family would improve drastically if I could do that. Thank you, again. @wahoo @ambrvan @new+tothis

  
  

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• ambrvan member

  April 2014

  It's also ok and healthy to acknowledge that you feel the way you do. And tell yourself it's ok to feel that way. You can tell yourself over and over that you shouldn't feel such a way about something, but it's not going to change the fact that you do. It's just going to make you feel bad about it.
  
  After you are ok with the fact that you feel that way, then you can start to change your inner dialogue way of thinking/feeling about things.
  
  
  Btw, I think women go through what you're dealing with pretty commonly. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's because men don't seen to talk about it as much, but I think women deal with it more than men. But I have absolutely nothing to back this up. Strictly my own opinion. Lol

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• brittcraw75 member

  April 2014

  Thank you, @ambrvan. It's nice to hear that it's okay to feel this way. 

  
  

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