Noob Alert!

mommabmb · April 2014

Hey ladies,

I'm new to this board and wanted to introduce myself. My name is Brandi and I'm very active on the August 13 BMB. My son, Joel, was born last August after several years of TTC. This time, we decided to chose the adoption route instead of TTC. Immediately after making that decision, we lost a child we didn't know we had. This just solidified our decision to adopt. Upon researching, adoption in our area is very difficult if either parent has had a previous marriage (which I did) and the couple has been married less than 5 years. Additionally, our son is very young (7 months) so we aren't in a rush to adopt.

However, we were advised by a case worker in our area that there is a SERIOUS need for foster parents. Two weeks ago, we went to the orientation in our area and we begin the classes on April 22nd. If all goes as planned, we could have a placement as soon as Labor Day. We have signed up as available for foster or foster to adopt, but do not qualify for just "adopt" status at this time.

I'm new to this whole process, and we have SO many questions. As we work our way through, I have been reading some of your posts and wanted to introduce myself. I've gained such great friends and knowledge from my BMB that I really hope to find the same support here. I'm thankful for the Bump and I look forward to getting to know all of you!

lorifromwi · April 2014

Welcome to the board!

Dr.Loretta · April 2014

Welcome

ejrobbi · April 2014

Welcome, I am new too and we are beginning our fostering/fostering to adopt journey as well.

MileHighMaam · April 2014

Welcome! Feel free to ask questions and also check out the FAQs if you haven't. There is some great info in there.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Lacyj67 · April 2014

Welcome.... And good luck moving forward. We really enjoyed the classes and felt much more into the whole process after getting educated!

IdigDirt · April 2014

Welcome. I am foster/foster to adopt as well.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

Hello, and welcome.

Since you are new to both the adoption and the foster world, I want to extend a word of caution. Fostering is an amazing thing, but there are some serious things to consider. Children are in the system because they have experienced trauma in some form. That means that they will have some special needs and may do best with a different type of parenting than typical kids. It also means that they may act out against younger children. Professionals in the field often advise against interrupting the existing birth order in your home for this reason. If you haven't yet, please read up on adopting/fostering out of birth order and parenting children who have experienced trauma. A great book that deals with the second point is Parenting the Hurt Child.

Fostering is a wonderful way to build a family, but please go into it knowledgably. That way you can make sure any match is the best for your family and for the child(ren) involved.

ejrobbi · April 2014

@CaptainSerious thank you for your post above, we too are considering fostering to adopt but not 100% if it is right for us. We are attending an info session tomorrow but I appreciate the resources you provided. Thank you!

mommabmb · April 2014

@captainserious.... Adopting out of birth order is one of those things I don't buy. Adding any child to a family dynamic is going to mix things up. I do respect your right to your thoughts, but I also think you're limiting the opportunities by counting that as a reason for those new to the process to not consider adoption. I understand this is a hot topic in adoption, but this blog lays out my exact feelings about it: https://eggplantissues.blogspot.com/2012/01/birth-order-excuse.html.

I do respect (and constantly worry) about adding a child to our family that could potentially "hurt" my DS. However, if for one second I thought I would have to leave my son in a situation where I thought there was danger I would turn back right now. While every child is different, and what we've been through has shaped us, I'm not going to adopt or not adopt a child based on what they've been through. This is also another reason we are doing foster-to-adopt, allowing more of a "trial" basis, at the advise of our SW.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

@‌ mommabmb

I don't think that adopting out of birth order is always a bad thing. I know several families that have done it quite successfully. But I. Do hunk it is something that anyone considering fostering or adopting a child older than the children already in their home should be aware of, and seriously consider given the specifics of each situation they are considering.

I'm not sure how much experience you have wih the adoption of older, traumatized children, and I'm trying really hard not to sound flippant here, but I have adopted two older children, and I can promise you it is not for the faint of heart. We read everything we could get our hands on, had doctors who specialize in international adoption help us evaluate each initiation we considered, and were as prepared as we could be. In each case, we were unprepared for what actually panned out in terms of the emotional and/or medical needs of our children.

While I agree that birth order isn't that big of a deal when it comes to a child's understanding how they fit into a family, you will never know for sure the extent of a child's needs until they have been living with your family for an extended period of time. This means that you will never fully understand the depths of their trauma until they trust you enough to open up. I'm not saying this automatically means any younger children will be at risk, just that you should never underestimate the effects of adopting a hurt child upon each and every member of your family. Younger children in the home are not exempt from shouldering some of the hurt child's existing pain. For more information on this, a great book is Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families

I know all this can sound hokey. I was convinced I wouldn't experience loss as a member of the triad because we had chosen to adopt without first trying to conceive. I was mistaken. My oldest has been with us for almost four years, and he is still revealing things about his past to us that we never imagined he'd lived through. In fact, we are learning more about him now than we did in his first 3 years with us, because he trusts us enough to share.

Please don't just blow off something like birth order because you don't "buy" into it. It's a major topic in the adoption world for a reason, and you may place your family at risk of you didn't take it seriously enough to consider each situation carefully with that in mind. The worst thing that could ever happen to your family or a child in need of a family would be for a hopeful situation to not work out after hopes are raised.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

Just in case I wasn't clear enough, I had to come back to specifically say: preserving birth order isn't about not upsetting biological children's understanding of the family dynamic. It's about the family being best suited for becoming the therapeutic home of a traumatized child. And every child in foster care is traumatized, to some extent.

Adoption (especially of older children) and fostering is not about finding kids for families. It's about finding permanent and/or therapeutic homes for children who have suffered tragedy. Not every home is best suited for every child, and if does no one any good to legend they are. Simply loving these kids is not enough, and as sad as it sounds, an ill-suited placement is not always better than foster care.

Not every older/hurt child will act or on younger children, but adopting/fostering out of birth order is not something to enter into lightly. Is not about excluding families or giving prospective adoptive families an "out" to only adopt young children; it is based on years of evidence of the needs of traumatized children.

I hope you understand that I an not just jumping on you because I am trying to flame you; that's not in my nature it the nature of this board. I am trying to emphatically state my position because it is one I feel passionate about, as a mother if two traumatized children who I adopted and in light of the rehoming scandals, and I truly hope you consider giving birth order a little more research or weight going forward.

mommabmb · April 2014

CaptainSerious said:

Just in case I wasn't clear enough, I had to come back to specifically say: preserving birth order isn't about not upsetting biological children's understanding of the family dynamic. It's about the family being best suited for becoming the therapeutic home of a traumatized child. And every child in foster care is traumatized, to some extent. Adoption (especially of older children) and fostering is not about finding kids for families. It's about finding permanent and/or therapeutic homes for children who have suffered tragedy. Not every home is best suited for every child, and if does no one any good to legend they are. Simply loving these kids is not enough, and as sad as it sounds, an ill-suited placement is not always better than foster care. Not every older/hurt child will act or on younger children, but adopting/fostering out of birth order is not something to enter into lightly. Is not about excluding families or giving prospective adoptive families an "out" to only adopt young children; it is based on years of evidence of the needs of traumatized children. I hope you understand that I an not just jumping on you because I am trying to flame you; that's not in my nature it the nature of this board. I am trying to emphatically state my position because it is one I feel passionate about, as a mother if two traumatized children who I adopted and in light of the rehoming scandals, and I truly hope you consider giving birth order a little more research or weight going forward.

I understand the position and the seriousness of the situation. I understand what you're saying, and my argument is that it is always going to be something you're unprepared for- what the child went through, what they require to get through the day, what substance abuse foster care may not be aware of, etc. etc. etc. As you said yourself, the second child presented new challenges you weren't prepared for and you'd been through the process previously.

I guess your comments have disappointed me because while I understand the reality of the situation, I also feel that a lot of people have discouraged us from this process because it is "difficult", but I really feel like this is something God has laid on the heart of our family. I came to this board looking for support, but I actually feel more supported by the women on my BMB that know me and know the kind of family we have and more about me personally. While I'm interested to continue to read responses on this board for informational purposes, I'm hesitant to join yet another place where I'm presented with more reasons NOT to do it and reasons why it will be hard or unpredictable..... I expected this to be a place where I could receive encouragement and read about some current struggles and potentially connect with others at this point in the process...

I have identified a local group for parents of foster children that meets weekly, and I expect both my husband and I will feel more like-minded with that group.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

There are women who were frequent posters on this board who adopted out of bir h order and whose families have thrived. I'm not trying to discourage you, but want you to know that your response came off flippant. It sounded as though you choose not to believe in the seriousness of preserving birth order because to do so might stand in your way--so you chose just not to "buy" it. The blog you posted, that you said represented your feelings on the issue, did nothing to disway that impression, as it only addressed the idea of familial placement understanding.

I'm not trying to dissuade you. I'm just begging you to do thorough research, become as knowledgeable and prepared as possible, and then evaluate each situation in and of itself.

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