Community› The Bump Message Boards› Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
New Discussion
Options

MIL vent

MrsKush1014MrsKush1014 member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Saw my MIL yesterday, first time since my DH told her we lost our baby.  I hadn't received a card or flowers or anything from her so I figured she was waiting until we saw her this weekend.  Nothing.  Just a hug and comments about how this affects her too.  Really?  I understand it's a loss for her too, but physically and emotionally I am the one going through the hardest loss.  Even DH made a comment on our way home last night that he was surprised she didn't at least give me a card.  Oh, and to top it off, her hobby is card making!

image
BFP: 3/9/2014  EDD: 11/11/2014  MMC: 4/10/2014  D&C: 4/11/2014
Report Reply to Post

Re: MIL vent

  • Options
    lexusolsenlexusolsen member
    Why do you expect something if she was able to express her sympathy in person? We mostly got cards from people we weren't going to see ( people I work with, family and friends who live out of state or couldn't make it to the service, etc). Does she normally give you cards for everything?
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers

    Report Reply
  • Options
    N0VaGirlN0VaGirl member
    ^^what she said, also, some folks just dont know what to say. It doesnt sound like she was being malicious, she was probably trying ti give you space. Id cut her some slack and save yourself the grief of being mad at her. She probably has good intentions.
    image


    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • Options
    gabbagalgabbagal member
    I learned the hard way that I need to change my expectations. I am very close to my family and my mom called and check in almost daily after my last m/c so it set the bar pretty high for others. My MIL is very sweet, but DH has a very different relationship with his parents. Knowing that, it still shocked me when he called them to tell them about the loss, but his mom wasn't home so he left a message with his dad. I assumed that when my MIL got home and got the message she'd call immediately but didn't. I also thought she might just send a card thinking I might not want to talk about it, which she didn't. Months went by with NO acknowledgement. It was so odd to me (and yes, my FIL did give her the message).

    I've learned that people just do what they THINK you want or need and it's rarely what you really want or need. Some people think it will hurt more to bring something up so they act like nothing happened to try to make things feel normal, others make it about themselves as an attempt to relate, and then there are those that try to point out all the "silver linings" before you're ready to count them (the "at least..." comments like "at least you can get pregnant"). Although it still hurts, I try to remind myself that people usually mean well and if they haven't experienced it usually have no clue how to act or what to say after a m/c. That said, I'm sorry her actions upset you, even if it wasn't intentionally. Unfortunately I'm sure a lot of us can relate to that kind of  disappointment.
    Me: 41, DH: 42, married 2009
    BFP #1: 12/05/2012; EDD 08/09/2013; MC 01/2013 (missed, D&C)
    BFP #2: 12/19/2013; EDD 08/25/2014; MC 01/2014 (natural)
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MrsKush1014MrsKush1014 member
    She's normally overbearing when it comes to things like this and that's probably why this stings - it was almost as if nothing happened and what did happen happened to her.  

    My BIL's wife had a miscarriage a couple years ago and my MIL brought flowers, stayed with them for a few days to help out with their kids, etc.  I don't have children yet so I'm certainly not expecting her to come stay with us, but she definitely does not treat her two DILs the same way.

    I'm really hoping I don't have to see her around Mother's Day.  She makes a big deal of it and gives her daughter and other DIL flowers and usually turns to me to say "I don't have flowers for you because you're not a mother yet."  In past years I've let that comment roll off my shoulders because even though it's annoying that she feels the need to point it out, I wasn't even close to wanting to be a mother yet.  I don't think I could handle that comment this year.

    image
    BFP: 3/9/2014  EDD: 11/11/2014  MMC: 4/10/2014  D&C: 4/11/2014
    Report Reply
  • Options
    nohalo21nohalo21 member
    I agree that people don't know what to say or so when it comes to a miscarriage. Hardly any of my family or his reached out to is at all. When I do see them it is if it never happened. This hurts me because she was a part of our family but no one sees it this way anymore.

    I would definitely steer clear of her on Mother's Day. No need to put yourself in a potential hurtful situation. Maybe plan a nice day for you and your husband.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"