Waiting on so much...

leahoulicky · April 2014

Hi, I’m Leah. This is my first post; I just need a supportive outlet to get this off my chest. I’m worried that the comments I get will not be all that positive because of being at an economic disadvantage. But, here’s my story.

First,

I want you to know that the dream of becoming a mom has been with me since I was 8. I didn’t spend hours dreaming of that perfect fairy tale wedding, I just wanted to have my own family to raise and love.
DH is employed and waiting on a major promotion in a couple months (fingers crossed) and he never lets me spend my small limited income.
I am on social security, I have Medicare and Medicaid, not because I don't want to have an awesome job/career, I just can't.

Onward!

I was emancipated at 3 months old, my grandmother raised me, I was a ward-of-the-court and thus, given Medicaid, the only form of welfare I have ever utilized. My grandmother didn’t believe in doctors, only taking me to the health department for my school required shots. My periods were so bad that I went to the health department and they gave me BC pills. The side effects were worse than the mild to no relief I got from the now regular cycle they gave me that I went off the pills. I started going to a doctor in 2006 when I could no longer handle the pain I was in daily. I was told that the pain was all in my head, that my periods were bad because I had never stretched my lady parts with a newborn’s head and body expelling out of them, and that I may have endometrioses. Nothing was ever done about my lady parts. But lots of blood tests drug trials and x-rays for the pain problem that had no reason to be.

My college education and my part time employment slowed and then stopped. My unexplained pain problem led to frustration and depression, I let go of my dreams for my education and career goals, but never let go of the dream of becoming a mom. Even when my fiancé who I had been in a relationship with for a total of 7 years left me, because I didn’t get along with his newly widowed father’s girlfriend. I met my DH soon after that. He has been supportive of me and my struggle; I got an answer to the mystery pain, Fibromyalgia. And now I have a new doctor who is finally listening to me about my concerns with my lady parts. I am waiting on blood tests to figure out why I have had problems with Galactorrhea. I am worried that my health problems will continue to elude medical findings. I am hoping that my problems are just hypothyroidism and endometriosis that are easily treated. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

This cycle I have been really good tracking my BBT, only recently got into the BBT habit. my temps hover between 96.8-97.3 with one freak 97.6 (on the day my doc says I ovulated, He said I should start my period on 4/20; calender says I should ovulate on 4/20.) I've also been using an OPK (Clear blue digital 20 test kit. last month I used Walgreen's brand 20 test kit and only got 2 negatives.) so far all negative.

This is the first time I have had to wait over a week for results on a blood test, and I really wish I didn't have to wait a whole month before surgery. Any advise on not going completely nuts?

Mommalawyer · April 2014

Wow. Im sorry to hear of your struggles. Advice, take it one day at a time. Its much easier said than done. The road of IF is hard, damn hard. While Im not sure of your situation, how long have you been TTC? A lot of women on this board have been TTC for quite sometime and have some sort of IF diagnosis. From what it sounds like, you just started TTC and have not seen an RE (reproductive endocrinologist)? This board may not be the best one for you, if you're not there yet. You might want to look at TTGP board too. The struggle of infertility isn't any different for someone that has a lot of money versus someone that has humble earnings. We all find ourselves here and are going through similar struggles. The one piece of advice that any one of us ladies would give you is to be weary of a doctor that wants to put you on IF meds without running all of the appropriate tests and monitoring. Good luck on your journey & glad that you are finally headed in the right direction!

leahoulicky · April 2014

The answer on TTC changes depending if you are talking to me or my DH. I had a cemical pregnancy when I was 22, currently 26. Finding doctors who take my insurance is the hardest. I will ask for a referral at my next visit. This is the first Ob who hasn't just blown me off with a "just try."
I know finding the right board is difficult. In reading the intro posts, this one seemed to be the correct one. I will keep this up to date once the results are in. Baby dust.

Mommalawyer · April 2014

leahoulicky said:

The answer on TTC changes depending if you are talking to me or my DH. I had a cemical pregnancy when I was 22, currently 26. Finding doctors who take my insurance is the hardest. I will ask for a referral at my next visit. This is the first Ob who hasn't just blown me off with a "just try."
I know finding the right board is difficult. In reading the intro posts, this one seemed to be the correct one. I will keep this up to date once the results are in. Baby dust.

If it came off as dismissive, I didn't mean for it to be! Some of us are on multiple boards cause of overlap.

leahoulicky · April 2014

Yeah IF treatments other than the laparoscopy and possible thyroid medication are all on me.
Took a look at the TTGP board and yeah, I like it hear better.
I am of the opinion that women have been having babies for thousands of years before the invention of baby gear, disposable diapers, cloth diaper toilet shower heads, formula, and processed baby food. Babies don't need to be expensive. and Adoption isn't always an option. DH makes good money, we do currently live with family (a sort of in-law apartment), but because of my other health issues I prefer it that way. Baby dust.

leahoulicky · April 2014

I completely understand. This is my first ever board post, and I looked at TTGP, and IF, before ending up here.
let me put it this way, the raincoat has been off for a long time, just the timing or even ovulation half of this matter not happening. twice according to calender the timing was perfect. but no, hopes ended in disappointment with AF. DH is always worried about my depression when she comes to visit.

theholmanherd · April 2014

Welcome and best of luck to you. You certainly shouldn't be barred from motherhood because of income, you just have to learn to balance a tighter budget than others. I hope you get all the diagnoses and treatments you need!

Sami14vb · April 2014

Best wishes to you, and I am so sorry for your struggles and pain.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

I am sorry about your fibromyalgia, that has go to make the struggle with getting pregnant when you want it so much just that much harder.

I also used to feel a little guilty or embarrassed for wanting a baby (money is tight for us too, and to outsiders the timing probably looks bad since DH is in school for 4 more years). But like you, I feel like, women have been having babies a long time and the dream of being a mother is admirable, not silly!

I hope your testing goes well and you get what you need for ovulation and timing. If you had only 1 day with a 0.3 higher temp but it didn't stay higher, on average, than the earlier temperatures - then no, that does not indicate ovulation. If your doctor told you that one day of a higher temp indicates ovulation day, then he/she has no idea about BBT! It sounds like you're doing the right thing with temping and using OPKs until you see ovulation for sure or your period comes. I know that having a couple cycles of clearly marked BBT and other signs is a really helpful start and will help your specialist narrow down your issue and possible treatments.

Good luck, welcome, and I hope you only need a short time here.

leahoulicky · April 2014

@GinnyJones82, I have seen a Therapist for some time and have not made any progress, she is the only one in town that takes my insurance, and the Health Dept, only offers group therapy which I am not comfortable with.
With DH's promotion he will finally get health coverage (long story), but because of our paperwork, I will not be included on it. I still have the "looked-down-upon" Medicaid and Medicare. But we will be financially well enough off to birth and raise our children. I've been looking at costs out-of-pocket for fertility drug treatments, and they seem to be within my means of my limited income, for now.

@BunnyBerry, My doctor predicted my ovulation while probing me with an ultrasound wand. He had little time or interest in looking at my current chart. (The appointment was supposed to be for a yearly pap and exam.)
As my BBT this chart is quiet a sight... (97.1,97.3,97.2,96.9,97.3,97.1,96.9,97.6,97.3,97.1,97.0,96.8,97.1,96.9,96.8,97.0) I had one good .5 spike but it didn't stay. my Clear Blue OPK are still negative as well.

Last cycle I started charting my BBT (I had been trying to make tracking my BBT a habit for months and only just reached success.) appearently, my temps late in my cycle are above 98, I just haven't seen that yet in this cycle.

leahoulicky · April 2014

Let me add some personal information that, for the length of my first ever forum post, left out. I will try to keep this brief and in chronological order.

· Both of my parents have some degree of Mental Disability, one reason why my maternal grandmother raised me.
· My mother used abortion like birth control, she had 2 while in high school before becoming pregnant with me, and late in that pregnancy see went to an abortion clinic behind my father’s back to have me aborted and was turned away. She had 2 more abortions after my birth (C-section.) I am pro-choice in that I personally would not have an abortion, but do not feel that my opinion does not belong in another woman’s uterus.
· One of my parents struck me in the head when I was 3 months old, basically I survived shaken baby syndrome; the other reason why my grandmother raised me.
· DH and I are not married. We could not afford the financial loss to my limited income if we had a marriage license. I call him my DH because he is, regardless of legal standing.
· I am not a welfare queen. I wish to have a family; not collect money from the government by way of over procreating. The only “welfare” program I am enrolled in is Medicaid; I do not receive or plan to receive cash aid or food stamps.
· Having an invisible disability is frustrating; people look at me and don’t see a sick or disabled person. I have been called lazy, and heard, “But you don’t look sick.” People think because I have some level of pain all the time that I shouldn’t have children. Yes, I understand that a child is a lot of work, work I am willing to do regardless of how I feel day to day. I enjoy that DH and I currently live with family, and that we plan to continue to live close to our families. His family is very supportive and I know I can count on them for any help I may need.
· Because I don’t look sick, I am judged when I park in a handicapped space, use a handicapped stall in a bathroom, etc. as well as when I vocalize my dream of motherhood. Because I receive Social Security Disability payments monthly, and my insurance comes from state and federal programs.
· I have had to let go much of my independence and not let it bother me daily. I hate feeling like I’m a burden on anyone, but independence how healthy people experience it is much different than that which I have managed to hold onto.

I hope this is helpful in your understanding of where I come from, I am no stranger to struggle and frustration, which seemingly has been my life; and now I have a good support team of family and a few good friends which I didn’t have 3 years ago. It is in this new struggle facing the black and white on what has been a hypothesis of IF for so long. For 8 years my doctors response to my wanting the answers about if I do or do not have endometriosis has been “just try” to get pregnant. So yes, I am new IF and close to getting solid answers to those questions. I am hoping that soon my cycle will no longer be such a miserable mystery, and that things can be brought under control for the best baby making outcome.

Thank you.

DharmaChick · April 2014

Welcome, and good luck to you.

wanderlust508 · April 2014

You sound like a very intelligent and strong young lady. I'm sorry you've had such struggles in life (that would break some people). But I'm glad that you have had the strength to push forward and make a better life for yourself. It seems like you have a great support system and that is definitely something to be grateful for. Keep tracking your BBT. And follow your gut. If you feel like your current Dr doesn't take your concerns seriously, find another who does! I get that it's difficult bc of your insurance but there has to be some provider out there who is more supportive. Good luck!

leahoulicky · April 2014

@Calindi, Thank you. I have heard from therapists in the past that they are amazed that I am doing so well, like they expected someone who has been abused for so long (age 3 to 17 ½) to be more mentally messed up. The fact that the term “welfare queen” exists is because of those few who ruin it for the rest of us. I completely agree with you that the financial standing or lack of has little to no right in the affairs of parenthood.

@EastBayBride508, Thank you. My pasted doctors were not so keen at listening to me. So I turned to the internet, Pinterest, and I am currently reading “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” (though am not even expecting yet.) I like to be educated and well informed. It is both a blessing and a curse in that right. My mind often is the only part of me that works on a regular basis, Fibro Fog aside. Lately the fibromyalgia pain hasn’t been very bad, just the fatigue lingers. I try to avoid anything that will send me into a flare. My new doctor is listening to me, but said I was exhausting because I unloaded years of pent up questions on him at once. He wants me to see my therapist, who I find utterly useless, but if that will keep him compliant then fine. I have mild bipolar and integrated DID, I am not on any medication for my conditions which is what has him so worried. Yet, DH is worried about the pain and fatigue of my physical condition. I understand their concerns, and am in a good place with the support I need around me to be successful.

I used to keep all my baby-subject pins on Pinsterest in a secret board. I was very happy when they took the limit of secret boards off, I have so many on the subject now it's crazy.

Baby Dust

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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tptbabe · April 2014

***Lurker/SAIF***

(((big gentle hugs)))

I feel your pain quite literally. It is incredibly difficult to get anybody (even doctors, and sometimes especially doctors!) to really listen to you when you have an invisible disease. And even once you do have a diagnosis, everything seems to get blamed on that. "Oh, a new mole popped up? Must be the fibro, don't worry about it. Here's some painkillers and/or learn to live with it." If only it were that simple!

As I'm sure you know, having one autoimmune disorder opens up the possibility of others. I'm hoping this is what the new bloodwork is for? (You mentioned thyroid, is s/he testing antibodies as well?) There are so many autoimmune issues that can wreak havoc on your cycles, so I'm hoping that if they find something, that can be easily fixed and get your cycles under control!

It is entirely possible to raise a baby when you have fibro. The fatigue was/is the hardest part to get past (for me), but I didn't know any different, so it really wasn't a big deal. DH is very supportive and is amazing in that respect. Don't let anybody tell you that you can't do something! We tend to put the biggest blockades up for ourselves, but it really is possible. Screw the people judging you. If they're looking at other people and judging, then there is something wrong with them that they're trying to cover up. You're better than that!

leahoulicky · April 2014

@tptbabe, I had called my Doctor on Friday to see if the results were in, and no, not yet. He is testing for Galactorrhea. My right breast has been lactating on its own since December 2010. I had a chemical pregnancy a year or so before that. The 2 tests are Thyroid PNL(TSH, Free T4) and Prolactin. I have Laparoscopy to check for endometriosis on May 19^th. Hoping between now and then we can get to the bottom of my thyroid function since my temps are really low, I am always cold. And my Fibro gets all the blame for any pain, weakness, or chronic fatigue. My low blood pressure gets the blame for my dizzy and fainting spells.

Funny you mention moles, had a cancer scare in high school because 3 moles on my back had colored halos around them. I’ve had a number of blistery sunburns growing up. I then learned to stay out of the sun as much as possible.

This cycle is becoming more and more odd. I don’t normally have a problem with pimples, but this week my forehead exploded, and my right ovary has hurt since seeing the doc just over a week ago.

tptbabe · April 2014

That sounds about right for the basics! Prolactin can be affected by your thyroid function, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was coming into play somehow. I would ask to have your antibodies tested in addition to the TSH and T4 however, as those can be within range (0.5-2.5 for TTC, not the old standards which many docs go by) at certain times, but can go up or down depending on the day if there are antibodies present. (I went over a year from my first high TSH reading to being diagnosed with thyroid disease because the next reading was in range.) Your thyroid really can affect so many things in your body, and while I still have triggers and points that point to fibro, things have gotten better since treating my thyroid.

The sun hates me too. DH mocks me because I'm the pastiest person alive (mind you, he's a very dark Latino) and have to wear SPF60 indoors for fear of burning

I guess it's our lot in life!

leahoulicky · April 2014

The Interesting thing is, about 6 months ago I had the Prolactin checked (Las Vegas Docs can be the dumbest Ive ever Seen!) and it came back completely normal. He walked in the room said the Prolactin was normal and walked out, end of appointment. So I waited half a year until I moved 600 miles back to my old doctors and hospitals to see people I can trust. My Ob changed because my old one who I liked but wasn't getting anywhere with doesn't have a Medicare License. The new one I still have to get to know, but things are looking good. Being my last appointment he expected a pap and a breast exam only, I hope that I can get another appointment in before surgery to get more tests done for my thyroid. DH makes fun of my paleness too. and He's from Washington State. My Grandparents had High Blood Pressure and were told to have a low salt diet, and when I was in high school My grandmother's goiter closed her windpipe and she had to have radioactive iodine to treat it. aka, I feel like I'm paranoid about this stuff. I just want answers so that I can move on and get things working correctly.
Best Case is hypothyroidism and ednometriosis, worst is premature ovarian failure or having a luteal phase that's too short.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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leahoulicky · April 2014

I am seeing my primary doc Monday morning (the 28th.) She also listens to me, hopefully I can get the 2 to share my files and thus my blood results.
Thank you. It may not seem like it, but I am very shy, and you all make me feel very welcome here, best of baby dust to all of you.

to all of us.

tptbabe · April 2014

Having a short LP is usually a pretty easy fix actually! Thyroid issues (hypo or hyper) can cause ovulatory dysfunction and/or a short LP. I went from having a 4-6 day LP to a 12 day LP once my thyroid was treated properly! And even before that, it was easily treated with progesterone

@GrailSeeker14 - You are absolutely right! FMS is autoimmune, much like Hashis or Graves. Looking back at my medical history, whenever I clearly had thyroid issues going on (before I was diagnosed) I would flare. It's so much more under control now! I feel like a whole new person!

leahoulicky · April 2014

Sorry I have been away from my computer. I have an update on my blood tests. The thyroid and prolactin tests came back normal. I don’t remember the number, but they are using the old standard. However, 4 other tests that my Dr thought he had ordered on the 11^th hadn’t been, so I had to get those done today. All but one were said to be ready within an hour, the last I have to wait up to 5 days. These were LH, FSH, androgen, and one other that the name escapes me. Here’s hoping for good news. Thank you for your concern, I will keep you all updated.

leahoulicky · April 2014

Update my dr woke me up this morning. The blood tests are in. All normal. I will look up the numbers once I get to the computer, this is coming to you from my phone. TSH was .8, I still have a lot of hypothyroidism symptoms, so I'm not giving up. But we are moving ahead with surgery. He also said my IF is not PCOS. he theorized that I will require clomid to ovulate.

leahoulicky · April 2014

Okay, any thoughts as to these results?
THYROID PNL(TSH, FREE T4)
    FREE T4: .8            Range: .6-1.6ng/dL
    TSH: .80                 Range: .34-5.6 uIU/mL
TESTOSTERONE
    58                          Range: 6-75ng/dL
PROLACTIN
    6.8                         Range: 3.3-19.6ng/dL
LUTEINIZING HORMONE
    15.7                       No Range mIU/mL
FOLLICLE STIM. HORMONE
    4.5                         No Range mIU/mL
DHEA-SULFATE
    289                        Range: 65-380ug/dL
I can't make hide nor tail of it. Dr and I are moving ahead with surgery next month. Still hoping for good news.
baby dust.

leahoulicky · April 2014

CD 12; THYROID PNL & PROLACTIN

CD 23; TESTOSTERONE, LH, FSH, & DHEA-SULFATE

My appointment was on CD 12, but not all of the labs were in the computer when I went to get my blood drawn at the hospital across the street from my GYN’s office.

leahoulicky · April 2014

<Double post> Deleted.

leahoulicky · April 2014

I will bring that up with him when I next see him; which will be soon. something went screwy this morning when I posted eariler... that's why i have a double post of the same thing, and my image, which looked like it worked, seems to have not.

leahoulicky · April 2014

Here's the image.

Waiting on so much...

Re: Waiting on so much...

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