Your Opinon on have "friends" of the opposite sex around your LO

Re: Your Opinon on have "friends" of the opposite sex around your LO

• jellybean529 member

  April 2014

  My ex-H took my daughter to a carnival with his "friend" about two weeks after we split. I was honestly pretty livid (especially when she was posting all these "happy family" type pictures of the three of them on Facebook) but I don't think DD was phased by it. I don't think she even remembers her.

  
  

  If the potential date has a child and you stage it as a playdate though, I think that's a different scenario. 

  
  

  As far as public vs at home -- I would save the visits to each other's homes until you know this person is going to be sticking around, though, just to keep things from getting confusing. if things go south for you and friend, it'll be hard on him if he's already bonded.

  

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• 20thirteen member

  April 2014

  Well, when it comes to dating, most of us wouldn't introduce a new "friend" right away. For me, my situation is that my BF and I started dating before I gave birth (ex left me at 2.5 mo prego, BF and started dating when I was 8mo), so he's been her daddy her whole life so far. I don't know how much time would be appropriate to wait before the new "friend" meets LO, I just know that kids get real attached real quick so it's best to keep a distance. However, if you meet at like a fair, that to me doesn't sound like it would be a problem, especially if there is another child... Outside that, I don't have much I could say.

  

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• 20thirteen member

  April 2014

  I should also mention that I've known BF for 10 years. Lol, I feel like I should have mentioned that because otherwise it's reads like I met this person 11mo ago and barely know this guy.

  

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• jesuisfatiguee member

  April 2014

  I'm not dating yet, but I have thought about this.

  For a playdate type setting, yes, I would think it's acceptable to have DS around someone I was dating or considering a relationship with. NBD. Especially in a public setting, like a carnival.

  I do not intend to introduce DS to any "friends" who I am dating or considering a relationship with. My ideal is 6-12 months after dating someone, with at least 6 of those months being exclusive.

  I just don't want DS to perceive any kind of revolving door in his life when it comes to my romantic interests or his parental figures, so I want to be really, really cautious.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• klv member

  April 2014

  My BF met LO about a month after we started dating. We went to the zoo....LO was almost 2. Do you really not have new BF over to your house for 6m-1yr?
  I have my LO 99% of the time. We are a package deal. If you can't deal with one then you can't have either. Better to know earlier than invest a year in a relationship only to find out BF and LO hate each other

  

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• freeatlast2014 member

  April 2014

  I feel like if it's the kind if thing where the child is doing something fun and there just happens to be a new person there, like in the carnival example, that is fine. But fostering a one on one relationship and intimate bonding should be reserved for a serious relationship. I can't put a time frame on that cause it really could vary.
  
  This is a great topic.

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• Crystal318 member

  April 2014

  Now that I have your opinions I can share mine but I really wanted to know how people felt about this.

  I have been single for 2.5 years. My ex is a drug addict who is on and off drugs faster than I can counrt. LO has not spent the night with his dad since July 2013 (last time he was sober). So I have him ALL THE TIME. He has spent the night with Nana or my BFF or something like that occasiionally so I can have some me time but I am soley responsible 100% of the time.  I have been on several dates with several people (LO has never been involved in these dates).  I met a guy about two years ago and went on three dates but LO was still too young, My relationship with ex was still to fresh and we were in and out of court so I decided it was a bad decision to date and we stopped talking.  I recently ran into that person from two years ago and we have been talking/dating for about a month. Dinners, lunches, movies, get together at friends house, etc. He has a ten year old son and he has full custody of him. There was a festival in town this weekend and I wanted to take my son and he wanted to take his son and we were going to meet there. My ex FLIPPED OUT!!!!    I have spent the last 3.5 years protecting my son from his own father due to his drug and alcohol abuse.....I am NOT going to put my son i harms way and we are 100% absolutely a package deal. If someone cant be around my son then I cant be around them. My son is my life so if someone wants to be a part of my lifeI want to know how they act around my son.  Ex has a great way of manipulating and twisting things to make me think I am in the wrong and I am crazy.  BUt I just cant see anything wrong with taking my child to a festival and a male being there with his son. What if I was a lesbian? Am I not allowed to have any females around my son?  What if I didnt know the new guy and his son were going to be at the festival and I bumped into them, am I not allowed to hang out with them? I dont do PDA. I am a grown adult and so is the guy I am dating. He does not believe in holding hands, kissing, hugging or anything in front of his son unless he is commited to someone and I agree and respect that decision.  Yes we are "dating" but when our kids are around we are just "friends"  I dont see the problem with it and I just wanted to get some other opinions.  I appreciate everyone sharing. Thank you!

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• freeatlast2014 member

  April 2014

  I say go and have a good time!

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• tig594 member

  April 2014

  First off, I don't think you're obligated to tell your BD anything since he's not really involved in parenting your child.  Second, what others said about your child's safety and the whole getting attached thing really comes into play for me.  If I were dating someone I'd keep them away from DD for several months at least.  I want to make sure I know this person as well as can be expected.  I also don't want DD getting attached to someone who may not be around long term.  I've dated guys who had kids and I've gotten attached to their kids and it really sucked when it didn't work out.  Also, there are so many sexual predators out there these days you just never know.  I mean, just because you knew someone in HS doesn't mean you really KNOW them now unless you've had an active relationship with them since, which is what it sounds like in Becca's case.  

  
  

  The carnival thing sounds like it wouldn't be that big of a deal, though.  As long as you aren't hanging and slobbering all over each other.  

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• MinnesotaMomma91 member

  April 2014

  beccaga16 said:

  
  

  tig594 said:

  
  

  First off, I don't think you're obligated to tell your BD anything since he's not really involved in parenting your child.  Second, what others said about your child's safety and the whole getting attached thing really comes into play for me.  If I were dating someone I'd keep them away from DD for several months at least.  I want to make sure I know this person as well as can be expected.  I also don't want DD getting attached to someone who may not be around long term.  I've dated guys who had kids and I've gotten attached to their kids and it really sucked when it didn't work out.  Also, there are so many sexual predators out there these days you just never know.  I mean, just because you knew someone in HS doesn't mean you really KNOW them now unless you've had an active relationship with them since, which is what it sounds like in Becca's case.  

  
  

  The carnival thing sounds like it wouldn't be that big of a deal, though.  As long as you aren't hanging and slobbering all over each other.  

  
  

  Yep! AND even in my case we dated for 3 months before he was around just me and DD and he has never slept over at my house when DD is there. Now that we are engaged it may change, but he has a dog at his place so logistically it may not work out until we get our place together.
  
  Bf and i had a very on again off again relationship for seven years that was extremley volatile and borderline emotionally abusive. Why we decided to give the relationship another go is still beyond us other then we still had those feelings for each other.
  
  But we had strict rules becaise i was pregnant and c was one. Our first rule was if we couldnt fight nice our relationship had to be over. And if our relationship ended we couldnt go back and forth and confuse the kids. Also i didnt meet c until was six months old and we didnt do over nights until Bentley was 2 weeks and C was at grandmas for the week. Our first overnight with both boys was when bentley was four months and didnt need as much care and attention so c didnt have jealousy over sharing dad
  
  Anyways, we still say we have to fight nice but weve had two fights in a year were doing good

  
  

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• jesuisfatiguee member

  April 2014

  lurchbaby said:

  The whole 6m-1yr rule is because most people who are abusive/crazy can't keep up the charade for that long. It's to prevent putting your child in harms way.

  
  

  
  Yep, this is exactly it. It prevents putting the child in harm's way physically as well as emotionally. I don't have really any support, and I don't have any family, so dating with my 6mo-1yr rule will be very difficult. Like PP said, doing something kid-friendly in a public setting might be an exception, but no, I do not plan to have a romantic interest come over while DS is awake until I have thoroughly vetted them. I can be patient.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• tig594 member

  April 2014

  "beccaga16 said:

  
  A parent has to use their brain and their gut."

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Unfortunately, too many parents don't have/use either of these.  

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