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Late Term and Child Loss
lrichmond86
member
the decission not to try again (rainbow baby mentioned)
lrichmond86
member
I've wanted to post about this for a couple of days but wanted to find a time when I really had the time and energy to say what it is that I'm feeling. This is going to get long... I apologize in advance. So here it is...
I'm pretty sure (like 99.999% sure) that DH and I have made the decision to prevent all future pregnancies. My feelings about this are so conflicted. I feel like I'm mourning not only the loss of my children, but also the loss of the children that we may have had in the future. This wasn't a decision we made lightly. After we lost baby Gary I was desperate to be pregnant again right away. Medically we had to wait six months. When we got the green light we went full steam ahead. It took us five cycles to get pregnant again. Aubrey's pregnancy was physically easy, but mentally and emotionally exhausting. My stress level was through the roof, I was in a constant state of panic, and I landed myself in the ER twice because I was convinced that she was gone. When she finally arrived the relief I felt was immediate, I was just so happy to have her in my arms. When we got pregnant again so quickly (quite by accident, but a happy accident to be sure) the same stress and worry that I felt with Aubrey came right back. And when I got the call that our integrated screening had come back abnormal I had to call my husband to come home because I completely shut down. Like many of you, and like I had with baby Gary, I knew then that Riley wasn't coming home with us. Still, getting the news that our baby had no heartbeat several days later didn't hurt any less. It was like a kick in the stomach... again.
When we found out that I was pregnant with Riley, I wasn't ready- physically, emotionally, or mentally. At that time, DH and I talked and decided that this would be the last pregnancy. I wouldn't do this again. Then when we got the results of our integrated screening we discussed it again. No matter the results, we weren't going to try again. I couldn't handle another round of stress and anxiety. And then when we found out that Riley was gone we discussed it again. I feel strongly that I NEVER want to be pregnant again. And at the same time I also feel strongly that our family isn't finished. As much as I adore Aubrey there's something missing. It's hard for me to tell if I feel that way because I have two children who should be here with us and are not, or because I am supposed to have more children. The thought of being pregnant again makes me sick to my stomach with worry, but the idea that I will never again give birth, never hold my newborn child, never have those newborn moments in those first days at home, that Aubrey may never have a brother or sister absolutely breaks my heart and brings me to tears when I think about it. How selfish I am to take that away from her, is my first thought. And then how selfish I am to take her mommy away from her while I'm pregnant and incapable of dealing with my life because I'm completely consumed by worry and fear. I feel like it's a catch 22, like no matter what decision I make it will be the wrong one. And still I KNOW that I NEVER want to be pregnant again. So why is it so hard to accept that? No one is taking it away from me. It's a decision I'm making myself. I know there are those out there who would love just to be able to be pregnant and here I am saying that I'm not willing to try. I know how unfair that seems. As unfair as it felt as I sat in an abortion clinic waiting to have my very much wanted child taken from me while surrounded by teenagers relieved to give theirs away. And yet I just can't do it again.
DH and I have talked about looking into adoption down the road. But the adoption process is long and expensive. If we're going to do it I just want to get started, but I know that I have to heal from this last loss before I can head down that path. I need to accept that Aubrey will be my only living biological child and I'm not ready to do that. I need to mourn the loss of this baby before I could even consider bringing another one home.
I know all too well that this journey through loss is long and hard. Just when you think you're getting there, you get knocked back a few steps. Behind every bright light in your life is this speck of darkness that's never going to go away. I've learned to live with that once and I know that I will again. I know that this decision is just another difficult path on this journey. But it's a really sucky one. How can I possibly make the choice to quit? And how can I possibly not? Like I said, I'm quite certain that the decision has been made, but I'm not dealing with it well.
If you got to the end of all this, thank you. I know it was long and wordy and confusing, but I needed to get it out there. That being said... are there any other loss moms out there who have made the decision not to try again? Any shared experience would be helpful.
I'm pretty sure (like 99.999% sure) that DH and I have made the decision to prevent all future pregnancies. My feelings about this are so conflicted. I feel like I'm mourning not only the loss of my children, but also the loss of the children that we may have had in the future. This wasn't a decision we made lightly. After we lost baby Gary I was desperate to be pregnant again right away. Medically we had to wait six months. When we got the green light we went full steam ahead. It took us five cycles to get pregnant again. Aubrey's pregnancy was physically easy, but mentally and emotionally exhausting. My stress level was through the roof, I was in a constant state of panic, and I landed myself in the ER twice because I was convinced that she was gone. When she finally arrived the relief I felt was immediate, I was just so happy to have her in my arms. When we got pregnant again so quickly (quite by accident, but a happy accident to be sure) the same stress and worry that I felt with Aubrey came right back. And when I got the call that our integrated screening had come back abnormal I had to call my husband to come home because I completely shut down. Like many of you, and like I had with baby Gary, I knew then that Riley wasn't coming home with us. Still, getting the news that our baby had no heartbeat several days later didn't hurt any less. It was like a kick in the stomach... again.
When we found out that I was pregnant with Riley, I wasn't ready- physically, emotionally, or mentally. At that time, DH and I talked and decided that this would be the last pregnancy. I wouldn't do this again. Then when we got the results of our integrated screening we discussed it again. No matter the results, we weren't going to try again. I couldn't handle another round of stress and anxiety. And then when we found out that Riley was gone we discussed it again. I feel strongly that I NEVER want to be pregnant again. And at the same time I also feel strongly that our family isn't finished. As much as I adore Aubrey there's something missing. It's hard for me to tell if I feel that way because I have two children who should be here with us and are not, or because I am supposed to have more children. The thought of being pregnant again makes me sick to my stomach with worry, but the idea that I will never again give birth, never hold my newborn child, never have those newborn moments in those first days at home, that Aubrey may never have a brother or sister absolutely breaks my heart and brings me to tears when I think about it. How selfish I am to take that away from her, is my first thought. And then how selfish I am to take her mommy away from her while I'm pregnant and incapable of dealing with my life because I'm completely consumed by worry and fear. I feel like it's a catch 22, like no matter what decision I make it will be the wrong one. And still I KNOW that I NEVER want to be pregnant again. So why is it so hard to accept that? No one is taking it away from me. It's a decision I'm making myself. I know there are those out there who would love just to be able to be pregnant and here I am saying that I'm not willing to try. I know how unfair that seems. As unfair as it felt as I sat in an abortion clinic waiting to have my very much wanted child taken from me while surrounded by teenagers relieved to give theirs away. And yet I just can't do it again.
DH and I have talked about looking into adoption down the road. But the adoption process is long and expensive. If we're going to do it I just want to get started, but I know that I have to heal from this last loss before I can head down that path. I need to accept that Aubrey will be my only living biological child and I'm not ready to do that. I need to mourn the loss of this baby before I could even consider bringing another one home.
I know all too well that this journey through loss is long and hard. Just when you think you're getting there, you get knocked back a few steps. Behind every bright light in your life is this speck of darkness that's never going to go away. I've learned to live with that once and I know that I will again. I know that this decision is just another difficult path on this journey. But it's a really sucky one. How can I possibly make the choice to quit? And how can I possibly not? Like I said, I'm quite certain that the decision has been made, but I'm not dealing with it well.
If you got to the end of all this, thank you. I know it was long and wordy and confusing, but I needed to get it out there. That being said... are there any other loss moms out there who have made the decision not to try again? Any shared experience would be helpful.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: the decission not to try again (rainbow baby mentioned)
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
BFP #1 March 24, 2010; missed m/c May 26, 2010 @ 12w 4d; D&E May 28, 2010
BFP #2 Oct 20, 2010; My little boy was born on July 5, 2011
BFP #3 April 30, 2013; Chemical Pg May 5, 2013
BFP #4 Aug 22, 2013; It's a boy. Loss discovered at 24 weeks on Jan 15, 2014 (cause CMV virus)
BFP #5 April 6, 2014; missed m/c May 15, 2014 @ 9 weeks; Misoprostol May 15, 2014; D&C May June 3, 2014
first of all, my heart is still just breaking for you. The thought of having to go through a late loss twice seems unfathomable to me. I can't imagine what you are going through.
I agree with rsigler...you don't have to make a final choice right in this instant. your wounds are so fresh and you are dealing with some really complicated grief. could you and DH decide that you are done for now and maybe revisit the issue in a year or so?
again, I am so sorry that you are in this position and dealing with so much. ((hugs))
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!! One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15
Everyone Welcome.
I often remind myself that we will be one and done and it does bring me some peace in a way. Staying pregnant has been such a battle for the past 4.5 years and once we succeed and have a rainbow I just can't imagine ever wanting to battle it again. It is just too hard.
I am thinking if you. I know it's a really big decision.
@jess123456 and @lrichmond86, I admire you ladies so much for your incredible strength. I already feel so disheartened and I can't even begin to fathom how you're feeling.
ETA: I think it takes a lot of strength to make a "final" decision like that and I admire it. I still don't know what we'll do long-term, but I admire you either way.
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
I hope you are able to come to terms with whatever decision you both feel is best for you. I can't even begin to tell you how to do that, but I hope that somehow it is possible.