s/o Love Languages

wifeofadam · April 2014

@kelly321 talked about love languages in her good thing for today. When they talked about love languages in our premarital counseling it was really eye opening for DH and me.

For those of you that have read the book or know what they are - what way do you and DH both give and receive love? Does that cause any conflict in your marriage?

ETA - those with older kids - have you noticed a love language preference with your kid?

TarheelMama202 · April 2014

As a recipient, I am big on quality time and words of affirmation-- so that's how I often show love. DH is all about acts of service and quality time. We both prioritize the quality time piece. The thing that I've had to get used to is that his communication of love often comes in acts of service, which I didn't previously always recognize as being a way of showing love.

wifeofadam · April 2014

DH receives love with acts of service, which works out well for us, because that is the way I give love. DH gives love through physical touch, which I like, but I definitely receive love through words of affirmation. I grew up in a house where my parents never let a day go by without telling me they love me. They end every phone conversation that way. But DH grew up in a house where that wasn't said much at all. It took a long time for me to "train" him to express his feelings in words because I needed to hear them so much. And saying "I love you" isn't the only thing. I want to hear that he thinks I'm beautiful or that he's proud of the job I am doing with the kids and it just doesn't occur to him to express those thoughts verbally. He thinks that coming up behind me and giving me a big hug while I'm doing the dishes sends me the message. It was hard on me in the beginning, but I'm learning to read his physical cues and that has helped. Still, sometimes I wonder if it would kill him to give me a verbal compliment once in a while!

My boys are starting to show clear love languages now. DS1 gives love through acts of service. He's my kid that will come up to me out of the blue and ask if there is anything he can do to help me. It's adorable. He receives it through words of affirmation (which I think is normal for most kids). DS2 both gives and receives love through physical touch. It's the SPD in him, I think. He loves nothing more than I giant bear hug and requests snuggles often.

jesuisfatiguee · April 2014

I haven't read the book, so I don't know exactly how I receive love (a cross between physical touch and words of affirmation, I would guess), but I absolutely express love through physical touch. I am an extremely affectionate person, to the point that it's caused some issues in past relationships :P

kbates85 · April 2014

I haven't read the book but I think I'm going to. I think it could shed some light on a few things. If I had to guess I would say I receive love by a combination of physical touch and words of affirmation and give love with words of affirmation. I think DH shows love by acts of service which I never understood until fairly recently. I think one of our problem areas is I haven't fully figured out how he recieves. This is why I think reading the book would be helpful. Perhaps I will download it tonight!

eriannc22 · April 2014

I give and receive love through acts of service, followed by words of affirmation. DH is big on physical touch followed by words of affirmation. This was an eye opening read for me as our love languages are very mismatched. During my pregnancy we fought a ton and we also barely had sex. Looking back now, I feel like if I had put in a little more effort in the physical department maybe we would have had an easier time.

StephPeth · April 2014

Who is the author of this book? I want to check it out now!

Nevermind! I found it

kelly321 · April 2014

I give acts of service and receive words of affirmation followed closely by quality time.

DH gives acts of service and receives physical touch.

The cycle we've been getting into is that I don't go out my way to touch him (I'm not a touchy person at all), and so he feels rejected and says mildly hurtful things which totally turn me off and make me pull away, making him feel even more frustrated, etc. And during all of this, we're both servicing our behinds off

So I'm going to make an effort to touch him more often - lean on him when we're both on the couch, brush his back in passing, etc, and in turn he's going to try to consciously tell me when he notices that I've done something around the house or when I've gone out of my way to do something during the day (in other words, acknowledging my act of service).

We read this book when we were dating and knew it could lead to issues, but over the years it just falls by the wayside and gets forgotten. It was good to bring it up again last night, and I think it is extremely helpful in explaining why couples with different languages (like us) get our wires crossed and feel misunderstood.

DublinMama · April 2014

I give through words of affirmation and acts of service. I receive through acts of service and quality time. DH would probably like more physical touch, because he's big on that. Dude hangs all over me lol. I think we both could probably do a better job of catering to the other's love languages. DH isn't really into all the "psychobabble" type stuff, so sometimes he can be hard to crack. I tried to discuss the ideas in Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus to him once. I think I sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher to him.

SidraJedi · April 2014

DH and I both primarily give and receive through physical touch and quality time. Luckily we are way compatible here!

But I also give and receive love through words of affirmation (he scored low with that one) and he gives and receives love through acts of service (which I scored low on). We get our wires crossed there. I try to do things for him and not neglect projects that he is anxious about and he tries to remember to say positive things to me and to expect that I might take a neutral comment to heart as something negative if I am feeling insecure. we're getting better at it.

ETA: a word

tamarar5 · April 2014

I read half the book before I lost my Kindle. Now that I found the kindle, I don't have the time to read it! Lol. But there is no way I'll ever get DH to take the quiz (his answer is I am the way I am and I'm not going anywhere so what for!) so I've been trying to guess from his behaviors. I'm pretty sure he gives love through acts of service. He changes my oil, takes out the trash and puts the can on the curb. He does the yard work, cooks sometimes, and usually goes with me to grocery shop.

On the flip side, I think he receives love split between words and touch. I can't tell a difference. He seems to respond happier when I remember to compliment him on all the awesome things he does (I get used to it so I forget). But he doesn't really respond from verbal affection. He never says I love you first. He will respond after I say it, but not before. But he is very affectionate in physical displays. Not as much holding hands, but he likes to come up and hug me, or kiss my neck while I'm doing something.

Me, on the other hand, I know I receive through words. I wish I could hear him tell me he loves me, or say I'm pretty, or appreciate the work that gets done around here. I think I give through words, too, but I'm not sure. I do so much too, I wonder if it might be service —but then I think it's not service it's being Mom.

I'm pretty sure DD received through gifts and gives gifts.

. She's always giving us "surprises." And she's always asking us to buy stuff-then saying we don't love her when we can't/don't. Booger!

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