What is it like to adopt?

twinkl5379 · March 2014

I've been googling this same phrase but would love to hear from you all that have completed the process. I am just curious to know how you felt when you brought the baby home and since. I assume its just like having a bio child in many ways, but what are the differences too? Hope this question doesn't seem weird, I just get so excited thinking about the end goal but know it will be a challenge to get there!

bumpuser794640 · March 2014

It is a total rollercoaster of emotions. It can be gut-wrenching and make you feel like the luckiest person alive from one minute to the next. It feels totally surreal to bring home this little person who makes you a parent, and completely right and natural at the same time. These are just my experiences, everyone will be different, even your spouse.

Dr.Loretta · March 2014

There's the obvious difference from a physical perspective: no recovery from childbirth, BFing, waiting for your body to return to normal, etc.

From an emotional standpoint, there's a period where you may know that your child is your child, but you're still waiting for TPR, or the revocation period, or what's happening with the BF. So it's like a little limbo as you navigate that while doing the day to day of being a parent. And you have post-placement visits where you still feel like you have to show that you're being at least an adequate parent.

There's bonding. Maybe you bond instantly. Maybe it takes some time. That isn't necessarily unique to adoption, I know bio parents who didn't bond instantly with their children.

Everyone will tell you how much your child looks like you.

I became very calm and chill when DD came home. It was like everything was right with the world.

summergirl79 · March 2014

totally agree about the roller coaster of emotions....to adopt to me is feeling so lucky to parent this wonderful little boy- it's been such an amazing experience!

spotco2 · March 2014

It is truly an emotinal roller coaster, but in the end it's the best feeling in the world once you have that baby in your arms.

plus12012 · March 2014

It is a completely surreal experience. We were at the hospital when DD was born so we met her as soon as she came into the world. As soon as they put her in my arms I felt like she was mine but, I knew she really wasn't yet and that there was a chance she might not go home with us. Our last day at the hospital our B-Mom had already checked out and gone home so it was just us and our LO. It was the most amazing feeling in the world and I was overwhelmed with how much I loved her and had no doubt that she was my baby.

My DH has 2 other daughters and was extremely nervous about how he would bond with DD. He was very surprised that his feelings were so similar to what he experienced with the other two. He said the biggest thing for him was feeling like someone just gave him this amazing gift and he was terrified of doing something wrong and not being good enough to deserve it.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

Spooko said:

I imagine it varies greatly depending on what kind of adoption you do and what age the child is.

Exactly this. I'm assuming you are referring to infant adoption, and these posters have given some great answers to that.

If you are interested in other types of adoption, where the child is older, there are likely to be a whole other set of emotions involved, along with some that overlap. I'll be happy to share if that's what you are looking for.

silliestbunny · April 2014

I am rarely around here anymore but your question intrigued me enough to post

I am an adoptive mom x 3.. all newborn infant adoption.

My response from my experience:

Adoption is hard. It's tiring at times. It frustrated me like nothing else. It was lonesome since not even my BFFs understood what it feels like to have adoption loss when a match fails. I had some of my darkest days during my first wait.

Adoption drew me closer to my spouse... and really helped me understand what trusting God felt like.

Adoption made me a mom. It feels natural. I have three little ones... all three and under. My oldest is a "clone" of me... except she's Asian and I am blonde w/green eyes. From the moment I held her, I knew she was part of me... our personalities... both good and bad... are alike.

My other two are MINE... they also carry parts of me in them and vice versa.

I don't know what mommyhood feels like any other way so this is natural for me. We did not set out to adopt and have a multi-race family. But that's how it ended up. I can pinky swear with you that not a day goes by that I see anything in my children other than my children. They are my family. Because of that deep connection, it takes me by surprise when someone I don't know makes comments.. usually positive but sometimes odd... about my family. I forget we look different. (I think when you set out to adopt and are open to other races you learn alot about transracial adoption BUT no one tells you that you'll forever be defined by being different... it may not feel different but the rest of the world will see something different and be curious.)

twinkl5379 · April 2014

These are such wonderful stories, and are just what I needed to hear. It's amazing and wonderful that everyone talks about how natural it is. I also appreciated the comment about someone's H already having 2 kids yet the adoption felt very similar.

I'm in the same situation - my H has 2 kids and I have none. I recognize that our experience will be different from what he had before with his 1st wife, and the fact that it will be different and something we have together will make it great!

Rxmom04 · April 2014

Pregnancy and loss mentioned- I haven't posted on this board before but I am Mom to a son we adopted. I very much agree that the process can be a complete roller coaster. We chose international adoption to start our family when we weren't able to conceive and it was both the hardest thing I've ever been through and the most worthwhile and amazing at the same time.

I'll never forget the day the agency sent pictures of our first referral, a toddler boy. We knew he was meant to be ours and we're overjoyed to travel to meet him and spend a few days getting to know him. It was difficult to return home after meeting him but we had to wait at home for a few months before our court date was settled. Six long months later we were devastated to learn that he had been claimed by a family member who had a change of heart. I didn't know it at the time but I grieved his loss much like the miscarriage I had last year.

We were offered a second referral soon after and that child became our son at 18 months old. It was very difficult to bond with him at first, knowing we might lose him before all was finalized we just didn't want to be hurt again but it was impossible not to fall in love with him. We had some rough first days in his birth country before we could come home but I would guess it was similar to bringing a newborn home and trying to get to know him. We did have a few "What did we do?" Moments where we wondered if we'd done the right thing in bringing him home but I am told that those are common among new adoptive parents. By the time we stepped off the plane and met our parents and grandparents we felt like a family.

Now at almost 4 years home it's easy to forget that our son came from halfway around the world but we do try to include things from his birth country in our holiday celebrations and we have a scrapbook of our trips to visit and bring him home that we look at together occasionally.

We felt strongly enough about adoption to try again since DS and were actually in the process again when I became pregnant earlier this year. It was bittersweet to have to stop or at least hold our process due to state rules. We were very much looking forward to adopting and traveling again, even taking DS along to show him what adoption looks like. We definitely have mixed emotions, on the one hand we now will have the best of both worlds but on the other there's a part of me that wonders if there's another child out there that is waiting for us. Sorry this got long but that's what it felt like on our journey. I do find that the anticipation and worries of pregnancy are very similar to waiting for our adoption to be finalized. That was something unexpected but it's true for us at least.

TonyaAU · April 2014

The one emotion I wasn't prepared for on my journey was the sadness I felt when saying my goodbyes to the birthmom. It was a baby born situation so I didn't meet mom until the hospital, and we had two days to talk in person thanks to a snowstorm. I was overjoyed to have my little girl, but I couldn't help the bit of guilt that crept in when it hit me fully that my joy was her sadness.

ejrobbi · April 2014

All of these stories are so very helpful. I am so excited about beginning this journey.

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