Vent...and advice on giving DH bad news?

chicory · April 2014

Had IUI#2 today, 3 months after DH started letrozole to see if it will help motility and count. Well, it didn't. I don't have the report yet, but I know the post-wash count was only 2.2 million, our lowest yet. The numbers keep getting worse and the RE said we could consider one more IUI, but it's really time to start planning for IVF if this IUI doesn't end in a BPF. I'm not sad yet, not feeling anything really except I don't know how to break the news to DH. I know IF has been affecting him more than he's let on. We decided I would not text or call him after the IUI, good news or bad, and that we would just talk about how things went at home tonight. I'm dreading breaking the news. Everything on my end is working like clockwork now, and he's going to take this news hard

Could use some prayers or good thoughts and if you have it, advice with your own experiences with your DH. Thanks ladies.

hope2bmom83 · April 2014

I'm so sorry, definitely sending thoughts and prayers your way. I really like the advice @calindi gave, it sounds like a great way to express it. Good luck.

sundaybrunch · April 2014

I'm so sorry. I use the same tactic calindi uses and it seems to make all the difference to make sure any IF problems are a "we/us" discussion. No one feels blamed, alienated, or like something they can't even control is their fault. I hope everything goes smoothly for you tonight.

gsancho · April 2014

I like the we/us advice, and just don't seem too down about it. My DH has gotten more hurt when I'm down after bad news that may be related to his numbers...even though really, I'm just always bummed about about IF in general - regardless of the reason. It is true that with a low count, IVF with ICSI is a much higher chance for success.

xc1148 · April 2014

I'm sorry, that's tough. I feel like men take it much harder than women sometimes. Just let him know that you're in it together and you have the same goal. It's not "his" problem or "your" problem.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

Ditto PPs! My DH feels much worse if he perceives that "his" problem has made me feel bad...although it's important for us to express our own hurt openly and honestly, maybe since you have had a chance to process this news a bit, it might be sweet to start with a positive spin tonight.

If you do feel confident that IVF is a step you and DH could pursue, it might make sense to focus on the positive - that it's nice to have numbers that can direct you clearly toward the right path instead of wondering, or it's nice to move on to a method with much higher success rates each cycle.

I'm so sorry about the bad news. Men feel so pressured for their sperm to be "manly" and "virile." I will pray for you both, I hope this evening's difficult discussion is a chance to rest in each other's unconditional love and support!

Cindal · April 2014

The advice the PP's have given about the us/we terminology is really spot on. It definitely helps at least a little bit to lighten the load. And like other PP's I have also noticed my DH takes bad news even harder if I am also down about it. Which can suck to put on the happy face when all I want to do is wail, but in the end it's me and him.

Mommalawyer · April 2014

I agree with the PPs. You have to be careful. I've made the mistake of venting out of frustration and sadness about how our IF is cause of HIS sperm & so on. Especially after he was on supplements & stuff for 3+ months prior to our first iui. I agree that the "we" and the "us" and "our" terminology is best approach along with using words like "I feel." There's no easy way to a difficult conversation like this, but I know the wrong way, which is the way I did it (and regret).... Good Luck!

nswain85 · April 2014

Awe, I'm sorry that it is at this point for you guys

Try and keep as positive as possible for the cycle but prepare youreslves for the IVF step also... I agree with the we/us wording. I think it makes a big difference when it is phrased that way. Maybe try and do something for dinner that he enjoys or pick up a nice treat for him on the way home, I am sure we will appreciate it.

megwill126 · April 2014

I'm sorry! I too agree with @calindi advice!

StacyLH24 · April 2014

I'm sorry that the count wasn't what you were hoping for. I agree with the we/us language. When I have things to discuss with my DW that may be heavily on her end, I always use we/us. It makes a huge difference in our communication. Then she doesn't feel singled out and I am also taking some of the responsibility for the situation.

jenkellen · April 2014

Definitely focus on "we". It definitely depends on the dynamic of your relationship but my husband and I are very direct about everything. "So this is what the doctor says what we should do next and I feel that is the right path. Tell me what you think."

I avoid "your" sperm. I say "the" sperm or "our" sperm instead.

chicory · April 2014

Thanks, ladies. As soon as we got the initial MFI diagnosis, I have always been intentional to refer to it as "our" problem, but it's a good reminder to be extra careful with my language tonight. He's very hard on himself and always tries to correct me that it is in fact his problem, it breaks my heart. I have no resentment toward him for our IF, but he keeps trying to put blame on himself. He's not home yet so we haven't had the talk, but I ordered Chinese food and was cheery with him on the phone. I'm waiting for myself to be sad, but strangely right now I'm just feeling really focused, like I haven't given up hope on this IUI, but I'm just feeling driven to start researching IVF, sit down and overhaul our budget so we can start saving, and while we're at it, see if I can talk DH into working on both of us getting healthier. We're already both pretty healthy, but there's always room to improve, especially if we're going to make an investment in IVF. I am predicting DH will want to try IUI one more time, which I will be OK with. It's so strange, I'm waiting to be sad, but it hasn't happened yet. Not sure what's wrong with me, but as long as I'm up, I'm going to try to run with it. Will keep you posted. I have no idea where I'd be without 3T!!

Sigh202 · April 2014

Hugs. You may want to consider freezing his sperm before his numbers drop more. I wish we had done that.

SweetieShellieH · April 2014

It's never easy breaking bad news to DH. My DH did the same thing the other day with correcting me when I try to say "our/we". He thinks it's his "karma" for being an idiot and doing drugs when he was in high school. I still remind him that I love him no matter what. I married him, not his sperm count.

I hope your talk with your DH went better then you expected

chicory · April 2014

It went OK. We really thought the numbers were going to be better, so he thought the Chinese food was celebratory. Oops. We talked for a bit and decided to just go to bed super early. @Sigh202, I asked the RE about that before I left my appointment, and she said with those kind of numbers, freezing wouldn't be her advice. She said not many would survive and if anything, freezing a testicular biopsy would have better results. Yikes.

I'm really anxious to get the full report, because all I know is the post-wash count. DH is really convinced sample volume played a part. But, we have to remind ourselves, even when volume was much better, we were still in the 5-6 million range post-wash, so it's not significantly better. I also really want to get him off the letrozole, because it seems to be negatively affecting his libido, which doesn't help how we feel about this IF thing in general. I asked the RE about that yesterday too, she said it shouldn't be an issue and that stress is more likely the culprit. DH claims he's not "stressed," but I know that he is. I'm guess really out of my league with this MFI stuff. We need to talk with the other RE at the practice (technically, we're HIS case, but due to schedules I saw the other one this cycle.) I wish the urologist DH saw hadn't been such an ass and basically dismissed him, telling him there's nothing that can be done. I feel like these are better questions for a urologist, so we might need to get a second opinion for DH? I just hate the thought because it took FOREVER last year to get into the one he saw, and aside from ordering an ultrasound and a little bloodwork, he acted totally disinterested and gave us little hope. Our regular RE has been more helpful and ordered more testing, except that the things he recommended don't seem to be helping. Gah. Sorry for the rambling. We just have a lot to think about for now. The sadness I was waiting for is starting to creep in.

KT416 · April 2014

@Chicory-I would see if you can get a second opinion with an Urologist. We were able to get in within a week with our Urologist, so hopefully other offices will have better availability and be more helpful.

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Vent...and advice on giving DH bad news?

Re: Vent...and advice on giving DH bad news?

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Want a personalized experience?

Vent...and advice on giving DH bad news?

Re: Vent...and advice on giving DH bad news?

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!