Loss Check-In

shandorfml2 · April 2014

Sorry this is late ladies!

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

shandorfml2 · April 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Yes. I went to therapy and had a good session. We talked alot about feeling like I'm being punished...and fairness and what I deserve. Been struggling a lot with that lately. She reccomended the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". I ordered it and am looking forward to reading it.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Try to not obsess as much...interpret every little thing as a "sign" that this is the month. Try and be less bitter and angry, especially at pregnant women.

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? Today, it hit 60 degrees!!! It was awesome. The snow is mostly gone except for snow banks and in the woods.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm exhuasted. Been a long week but I feel I was able to do some healing this weekend.

TeamWinForever · April 2014

Have you taken any steps towards healing this week?
No, if anything I think I have gone backwards this week. I have been extremely angry at everyone and everything this week.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My goal is to stop obsessing over ttc. We can't for at least 6 months per OB so I don't know why I torture myself by thinking about it almost non-stop. No real plan in place other than to try and find other ways to occupy my mind.

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? Yes-we have had beautiful weather all week and getting out even just to sit on the deck has been nice.

LyndseyTS · April 2014

@shandorfml2‌ Let me know how the book goes - I've put a copy on hold at our library. Someone recommended it to me as well. I can relate to the long week. I hope that the one coming up is better. @TeamWinForever Your loss is still fresh (so is mine, I guess) so don't be thrown off by having crazy anger bouts. I thought that I was doing better and had some really terrible days this week (amidst some much better than usual ones - go figure). Let yourself feel what you need to and take it moment-by-moment and day-by-day. Thinking of you. Have you taken any steps towards healing this week? I finished reading one of the books that the girl at Bereaved Families let me borrow. It was helpful if only to let me know that I'm not crazy. I also had a good chat with a friend. I've been feeling really lonely and isolated which is a struggle because I'm definitely a "talk it out to think it through" type of person. We are attending a support group for the first time tomorrow night. I'm getting more and more nervous as it gets closer, but I think that it will be a healthy healing thing. What is the next goal you have set for yourself? To return calls from people and start to pick up the phone. This sounds so silly to me, but I've been ignoring all phone calls and have been really terrible at calling people back. I plan to change that. First step: call someone back who has been trying to reach me for two weeks. QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? It's on it's way if it's not here!! Yesterday was a beautiful 13 degrees celsius (sorry, I have no idea what that translates to in fahrenheit). It was beautiful and helped to list my spirits a little bit. I actually ENJOYED outdoor duty while I was teaching - it was good to get out in the sun, I think.

shandorfml2 · April 2014

@TeamWinForever sometimes we don't make steps forward. Grief is a long journey. Some days will be harder than others (((hug))). I have spent a lot of time in the anger/bitterness stage. It takes work.

Jellybean71514 · April 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
This week was rough I did manage to get out a bit the past few days though but I don't feel like I made much progress.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Planning to join the gym on Monday to start getting my pp body back and I also plan to call a therapist that I found.

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? Yes today it was close to 70 degrees ...I got out for a few hours which was nice.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Been feeling angry at the world and really depressed this week- still arguing with my fiancé so right now we are taking a break with some needed silence and alone time until we can get some counseling - while I was out today at a local festival I had a breakdown .....there were just so many kids and babies .... I just don't think I'm ready to be in that environment. I feel like a failure as a woman with no living children, and at my age I just feel hopeless.

LyndseyTS said:

What is the next goal you have set for yourself?
To return calls from people and start to pick up the phone. This sounds so silly to me, but I've been ignoring all phone calls and have been really terrible at calling people back. I plan to change that. First step: call someone back who has been trying to reach me for two weeks.

I need to get to this myself so let us know how it goes - I think I'm avoiding people wanting to talk to me about it so not really taking calls yet- also been avoiding meeting friends out because I don't feel I'm ready to be good company to anyone right now -

TeamWinForever · April 2014

@shandorfml2‌ It was hard to admit that I didn't make any steps forward this week. But, I also need to admit that I really didn't try. I just let myself be angry, sad, and bitter. Hopefully this coming week will be better.

@Jellybean71514‌ I have also been avoiding most phone calls, and for sure have not met with any friends. It's hard bc while we know they care, we also know that they don't 'get it' and it's exhausting to have to keep explaining it. My husband on the other hand, can go out with the guys as though nothing's wrong...

lexusolsen · April 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Yesterday we picked up Ben's remains. It was so difficult to bring our baby home in an urn instead of a car seat like we had planned.

I also had my pp check up. It was so difficult to be in the office again, to hear my ob doing someone else's u/s while I waited. He is a fabulous dr and told me I can contact him whenever I want or need to talk. It seemed so final, like the final sign that my pregnancy with Ben was over. I won't need to go back until we are pregnant again.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I am going to try to read one of the many grief books that people have given us and journal more. We also have our first support group meeting on Wednesday.

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live?

Yes. We live in Southern California.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Dd is only two and half and it is obvious that she is trying to deal with her grief this past week. This coming week is spring break at her preschool so I'm kind of nervous to be home with her all day and deal with our grief together.

Jesse835235 · April 2014

Ticker... Haven't changed it yet and not sure how to on mobile. We lost Josh 9 days ago.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? We had a service for Joshua on Wed. We originally were only going to invite our parents, but then other family and friends had asked about it. The memorial ended up having over 60 people and we felt surrounded by love. It amazed us how so many people cared about a baby that they had never met. This truly helped out healing very early.

We are also looking forward to making gifts with the memorials that we received for Joshua. We are planning on sending funds to the Children's hospital of CO, March of Dimes, NILMDTS, and a local family where the father is battling leukemia. Even though we couldn't be helped, we are hoping that his legacy might be able to help someone else... Even if it's just a little bit.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Yes. I am going back to work full time and have to deliver a seminar next week Tuesday. My presentation is not done yet, so I have to crunch to get it done. It will be something that I can throw my energy (or lack of) into. My motivation is to make my baby proud of me. I tell myself that I've had enough slothig around and now it's time to get back to business.

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? Relatively speaking, yes. It will be in the 40s this week, but the 60s next weekend. Good enough for me.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I do alright during the day, and I always put my "strong" self out there for the world. Every night I cry to my husband and I just miss my baby..Like we all do.

.

gracie5107 · April 2014

*Ticker warning (living child)

@shandorfml2 Glad you felt like some healing happened this week.

@teamwinforever I hear you on thinking about TTC a lot. I think that it's pretty common to want to try again soon after a loss and put a lot of your energy into thinking about it. I think about it a lot too, but I'm trying hard to not get too far ahead of myself. I feel like the logical thing for me would be to wait a number of months to ensure my body has healed well, but a part of me wants to try ASAP. My regular obyn said it was up to us, so I wouldn't be going against medical advice, which makes the decision of when to try even harder. Also, we have an appointment with MFM coming up, so we at least need to wait and see what they have to say about TTC.

@jellybean71514 I am so sorry that things have been rough for you with your fiance. I hope some counseling works. And please know, you are NOT a failure. You are getting up every day and working on living your life when one of the worst things imaginable has happened to you. That shows unbelievable STRENGTH and DETERMINATION. I also understand it being difficult to be around moms and babies right now. WE went to an Easter egg hunt yesterday and I was so, so sad afterwards because I saw so many pregnant ladies and newborns. It is hard. Lots of hugs to you.

@lexusolsen We're in similar places right now, so lots of hugs to you. We also picked up Juliana's remains and I had my postpartum check up too last week. It was so hard to bring Juliana home this way. We did a lot of crying and I still get angry when I see her remains and think of the baby I should have with me. I am very glad to have my postpartum checkup done with, but it was so difficult going back to the obgyn's office. And I swear there were more very pregnant people than have ever been in that waiting room before! I think I am done with my doctor's office, so I might not every go back there. My doctor didn't do anything wrong, but she also wasn't as emotionally supportive as I needed and made some comments that just struck me as inconsiderate in my situation. If there's a next time around, I think a fresh start at a different office might be what I need.

@jesse835235 I am so glad your memorial service for Joshua was successful and you felt supported. Lots of luck with going back to work. I wish you strength! I haven't made it back yet, but hope to next week. I love that you're using Joshua's loss to help others. That is what I am doing also. I now make sure I make a donation or help out whenever I hear about people, and especially children, in need. We will make some good come out of this.

@chickinNH I hope you are able to enjoy yourselves at the coast!

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? We picked up Juliana's cremated remains and I had my postpartum appointment. Both were difficult, but were a part of this path that had to be crossed. We found out, like we assumed, that the umbilical cord around the neck was the likely cause of death. However, J's cord was also hypercoiled which is a risk factor for difficulties and I had a 10% placental abruption. However, the doctor said 10% wasn't all that significant and the clotting observed could have happened after the death. I'm not sure what to think about the extra results. I knew about the cord, but the placental abruption scares me because I know it has a higher probability of reoccurring. We have an appointment scheduled with MFM now and I'm anxious to hear their take on the results/meaning for a subsequent pregnancy.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I think I am going back to work next Tuesday. I need to contact my boss to talk about things first, but that is my current plan.

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? Yes and no. This weekend was in the 70's and was beautiful. The daffodils and some flowering trees are blooming. However, it is supposed to get colder throughout the day and we may even have some snow tomorrow! Ohio weather can never make up its mind.

lexusolsen · April 2014

gracie5107- This is such a horrible place to be but it helps not to be alone. I have been very lucky with my ob/gyn. He is new to the practice but has been so supportive and wonderful. He mentioned that his SIL had experienced a late loss as well. I think I'm going to email him and ask if they know of any resources in our area. Because of the car accident that started all of this, we were taken to an out of network hospital so he didn't perform my c-section. As soon as we were transferred to the network hospital he came to visit my husband and I. He stayed for almost an hour, talking with us, asking us if we needed anything, etc. He came both days were there and even took out my staples himself since that was all we were waiting on before being discharged. I hope you find someone wonderful like him next time. It has been such a blessing.

Carolee · April 2014

No new steps for healing this week. I was just thinking the other day how long it seems since we lost Eliott. He would be turning 4 this August. No real goals...just to somehow honor his memory every day, at least once. It is definitely spring here...the weather has been in the 80s. It's supposed to cool down a bit, which will be nice. I love the spring.

Jellybean71514 · April 2014

@gracie5107‌ thank you for the support I am determined so hoping that helps push me through - I'm sorry for what you're going through and hope the MFM can put your mind at ease after that appointment xo

TeamWinForever · April 2014

@gracie5107‌ I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way about ttc. At this point it really does almost feel like an obsession. As much as I wish we could ttc sooner than 6 months, I think it's almost a blessing that we medically have to wait that long in the sense that hopefully we will be in a better place emotionally by then. I'm sorry that your OB wasn't more supportive. There is nothing worse than having to sit in a waiting room full of happy, pregnant women. But, I will say, that even though my OBs office brought me back right away, i still had to wait about 20-30 minutes for the doctor and the room was all set up for a regular prenatal exam(Doppler sitting out, etc). It was hard and I wish that I didn't still have one more follow up, but I do. If you're not happy with how they have handled this, I would absolutely find a new doctor. You don't want to go through another pregnancy with a doctor that you find unsupportive.

gracie5107 · April 2014

@teamwinforever I'm pretty sure my plan is to find another obgyn. I have an appointment coming up with a maternal fetal medicine doctor and I have met him before. I absolutely love him. I plan on asking him for a recommendation for another obgyn. Unless he tells me he strongly recommends staying with my current doctor (she does have an extremely good reputation medical wise), I will be finding someone else. My hope is that the MFM doctor will be more like my primary contact for a subsequent pregnancy, since I love him so much, but we'll have to see how the appointment goes/what the plan is. Good luck getting through your next follow up. Is it soon?

dadalou · April 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? My OB office bought us a tree as a memorial for Nathaniel. That was planted in our backyard today.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I don't have any new goals. I still need to lose weight. Since I started exercising and watching what I ate I have actually gained weight. That is really frustrating, but I know I just need to stick with it. Eventually the weight will come off. I already am feeling like I am getting stronger and getting some muscles back.

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? It seemed like it a few days ago. Friday I was outside wearing flip flops. I even got a little sunburned. Yesterday it snowed. There is still some on the ground now.

TeamWinForever · April 2014

@gracie5107‌ I go back to the ob on May 1st, which will be my 6 week follow up. I was told that for any subsequent pregnancy, I would be followed closely by MFM, but I don't think they would be the primary team. Good luck finding a doctor that you're comfortable with!

@dadalou‌ that is so nice of your OBs office to do! We have talked about getting a tree for Fiona but haven't gotten around to it yet.

Maybe Joleisa · April 2014

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Yes. I contacted my RE about when we can start our next cycle.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Is there a beat the dead horse emoticon? Next goal is to take better care of myself. I bought the Tone It Up girls' plan on Monday and tried to do some food shopping tonight at Whole Foods. I bought $40 worth of nothing really!

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? Well, it was this morning. I'm in DC and it was in the 60s this morning, but this evening temps fell into the 30s and it was sleeting.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? My colleague that was due and delivered her baby a few days after me is returning from maternity leave next week. She stopped by work with her baby on a day I was off last month, which was super-thoughtful--but I feel guilty. She returns on Monday, so I took off just in case there is a lot of baby talk in the office that day. Another very good friend had her baby in early January and I haven't seen her baby either. I feel guilty for that, too. I don't want to feel this way, but the thought of seeing and smelling sweet babies makes my heart ache for my babies I can't see or smell.

lexusolsen · April 2014

Maybe Joleisa said:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Yes. I contacted my RE about when we can start our next cycle.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Is there a beat the dead horse emoticon? Next goal is to take better care of myself. I bought the Tone It Up girls' plan on Monday and tried to do some food shopping tonight at Whole Foods. I bought $40 worth of nothing really!

QOTW: Is it spring yet where you live? Well, it was this morning. I'm in DC and it was in the 60s this morning, but this evening temps fell into the 30s and it was sleeting.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? My colleague that was due and delivered her baby a few days after me is returning from maternity leave next week. She stopped by work with her baby on a day I was off last month, which was super-thoughtful--but I feel guilty. She returns on Monday, so I took off just in case there is a lot of baby talk in the office that day. Another very good friend had her baby in early January and I haven't seen her baby either. I feel guilty for that, too. I don't want to feel this way, but the thought of seeing and smelling sweet babies makes my heart ache for my babies I can't see or smell.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it goes as easy as it can.

gracie5107 · April 2014

Maybe Joleisa said:

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? My colleague that was due and delivered her baby a few days after me is returning from maternity leave next week. She stopped by work with her baby on a day I was off last month, which was super-thoughtful--but I feel guilty. She returns on Monday, so I took off just in case there is a lot of baby talk in the office that day. Another very good friend had her baby in early January and I haven't seen her baby either. I feel guilty for that, too. I don't want to feel this way, but the thought of seeing and smelling sweet babies makes my heart ache for my babies I can't see or smell.

Hugs.

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