"Is having a baby really worth it" - Huff post article

this decaf life · April 2014

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-beaulieu/is-having-a-baby-really-worth-it_b_5119535.html

My friend asked for opinions on this article. I said I thought DD was "worth it, totally f*cking awesome but I'm glad we have yaya [nanny in Tagalog] and I have a part time job." I then compared the thought of having a second child to hacking off my other leg. Being legless on a million dollar yacht doesn't sound like as much fun.

amie444 · April 2014

The part about being able to leave Just in Case. This what I relate too. My DH travels, so I am a prisoner after 7pm every night. Not that I ever left before she was born. But it would be cool to have the option.

this decaf life · April 2014

Yeah and we have really cheap help here so we go out "often" but probably not nearly as often as if we were still childless. I think DD is the best but I also have somewhat of a "fool me once" mentality where I guess I didn't know exactly what we were getting into having a kid but having a second kid is a "fool me twice" scenario. A second kid would change things and I'm not ready to wrap my head around that... not yet at least.

Helenahhandbasket · April 2014

Holy Hell.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's EXACTLY what I needed to read today.

It feels awesome to know I am not the only person that feels like this about motherhood. Excellent, excellent article.

KatieB19 · April 2014

That part about people who "can't remember what life was like before children"? Yeah I don't get those people either. I, too, remember EXACTLY what it was like. But I have learned, if I even hint that I miss my pre-child life to pretty much anyone (dh included), they react as though I regret having my child. As though it's not possible to be happy where you are, but still miss some part of a previous life.

eyenigh · April 2014

MissPeansMama said:

I won't say the article hit the nail on the head for me. BUT I do agree that being a mom isnt always a walk in the park. And it is so hard being bound by her schedule. DD is awesome but there are times where she's a complete "Little B" as DH calls her.

This. I also think that there is a huge difference between having "a baby" and having "YOUR baby." Sometimes people will say "What if you'd never had a baby?" Then, honestly, it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I probably would've wondered what it might've been like but moved on and not thought much more about it. Now that I have Alexander, it's a completely different story because not having HIM, specifically, would be something I'd never think twice about. It;s hard to explain to someone else how or why it's worth it.

For us, I think it also helps that we waited a long time to have him. It's true that you're never really "ready for it" but I think it helps when you feel like you've finished a lot of the things that you've wanted to accomplish. We both have multiple graduate degrees and good careers. We have many years of bars, clubs, traveling and fast cars behind us. I don't miss most of that stuff. Like others said, I do miss the flexibility and I wish we had more help when it came to that but, especially now that he's older, I never feel grounded.

eyenigh · April 2014

VioletteGrayskies said:

I get horrific hangovers from just three drinks. I no longer have the patience to wait more than 10 minutes to get into a hot new restaurant. Coachella was better before it went corporate. I'm 35, and I like spending cozy time at home with DH and the dog.
That realization made me feel really certain that we're ready, and hopefully will help me avoid some of the resentment of Pickles when she gets here.

Yup on all counts. I've done many multi-day music festivals in my lifetime and, honestly, I just don't have it in me anymore --and neither do most of my previous concert-going pals! Low key is cool with me.

hopefulmom81 · April 2014

This reminds me of a convo I had with my dear friend.... She has been battling infertility for 5+ years and her younger sister recently had a baby, not dealing with any fertility and told my friend that it is, "So worth the fight".

I told my friend that I thought that was condescending and she said, "Well, wouldn't you say that it is worth it?"

Honestly, I couldn't answer her and looked at her blankly. I don't know what a 5+ year battle with IF would be like, and I don't know what her future child would be like or what motherhood would be for her. For me, I would have gone through hell and back to get Chelsea here safely, but I can only speak for myself.

I can't really relate to the article, because I think having a child, in general is TOTALLY worth it, but for me it is hard to quantify it in relation to facing major issues, especially for someone else.

Myaflowers · April 2014

I can totally relate to this! It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one to miss life before children. I love DD with all my heart, but DH works nights, so I'm a single parent during the week. I would kill for just ONE night to come home after work and just veg out on the couch and not have to take care of a tiny person. I'm glad I have DD, but having children definitely isn't all sunshine and rainbows! Something else that isn't as wonderful as everyone says...breastfeeding. DD and I are still nursing a few times a day at 15 months, but I'm currently recovering from my 8th bout of mastitis. Really? Sometimes I wish I had given up in the beginning before DD was old enough to get so attached to nursing!

gwendarling · April 2014

VioletteGrayskies said:

For us, I think it also helps that we waited a long time to have him. It's true that you're never really "ready for it" but I think it helps when you feel like you've finished a lot of the things that you've wanted to accomplish. We both have multiple graduate degrees and good careers. We have many years of bars, clubs, traveling and fast cars behind us. I don't miss most of that stuff. Like others said, I do miss the flexibility and I wish we had more help when it came to that but, especially now that he's older, I never feel grounded.

Maybe I'm speaking too soon, but this is how I feel, too. We spend a long time TTC and in infertility treatments, and I kept trying to cheer myself up by doing all the things I wouldn't be able to do when the baby came.
But I didn't really want to do them anymore. I get horrific hangovers from just three drinks. I no longer have the patience to wait more than 10 minutes to get into a hot new restaurant. Coachella was better before it went corporate. I'm 35, and I like spending cozy time at home with DH and the dog.
That realization made me feel really certain that we're ready, and hopefully will help me avoid some of the resentment of Pickles when she gets here.

Are you me? I was telling DH the other day that I can honestly say we went to Coachella during the best years of the festival - 2006, -07, and -08, and while the last time we went was in 2011 (I was 5 months pregnant with DD, ha), this is the first year that I had NO desire to go. Not appealing at all. Instead, we watched Cosmos on Hulu at home.

gwendarling · April 2014

Also, I definitely miss my pre-baby life, but the highs are just so high and worth it to me. There was a book review on NPR a few months ago about this, and I think this sums it up: "...the highs are great, that there's something transcendent about the experience itself, but that the day-to-day strains are really, really tough and might interfere with what we might traditionally think of as fun."

Here's a link to the article, if anyone is interested: https://www.npr.org/2014/02/04/271416048/are-we-having-fun-yet-new-book-explores-the-paradox-of-parenting

Helenahhandbasket · April 2014

Also, I will add that it has gotten better as she has gotten older.

The first few months I was practically paralyzed with anxiety and fear. Every new thing/ milestone/ transition sent me into a tailspin.

I am so much calmer now, and I think it will only get better as she gets older.

TiffanyBerry · April 2014

I really related to this article. But I think I'm in the minority about how I really feel.

I think I'm a pretty good mom. (Some of y'all might think I'm a crazy, hippie, fru-fru mom, but I'm down with that.) I love my daughter. I love having parented. (You guys remember that blog article, right?) I love getting to spend creative time with her making crafts or working together in the garden or reading two or three books to her.

But I'm just not all that into being a mom. I don't got all mushy when I have to drop her off at school (of course, that's been its own challenge). I don't get weepy-eyed at stories of kids who have been badly injured or killed thinking "oh god, that would be me, what would I ever do without her?!" I don't like playing with her for hours on end, honestly, though doing so at (nearly) four years old is better than it was before (though not all previous stages).

I know part of this is a chronic disthymia (very mild, functional, long-term depression, essentially) that I will likely always have. I know part of this is my past experience (I've experienced a lot of death and family loss in my life). And I know part of this is our circumstance (not having a lot of friends/family to spend the days with and feeling (for good reason or no) somewhat emotionally isolated.

But yeah, there's a lot of tradeoff for me. I absolutely wouldn't undo my decision to have my daughter. But that's not to say it's not without its negatives to go along with the positives.

this decaf life · April 2014

eyenigh said:
This. I also think that there is a huge difference between having "a baby" and having "YOUR baby." Sometimes people will say "What if you'd never had a baby?" Then, honestly, it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I probably would've wondered what it might've been like but moved on and not thought much more about it. Now that I have Alexander, it's a completely different story because not having HIM, specifically, would be something I'd never think twice about. It;s hard to explain to someone else how or why it's worth it.

For us, I think it also helps that we waited a long time to have him. It's true that you're never really "ready for it" but I think it helps when you feel like you've finished a lot of the things that you've wanted to accomplish. We both have multiple graduate degrees and good careers. We have many years of bars, clubs, traveling and fast cars behind us. I don't miss most of that stuff. Like others said, I do miss the flexibility and I wish we had more help when it came to that but, especially now that he's older, I never feel grounded.

I definitely agree with the "your baby" thing - DD is awesome, and sure maybe if we had a different baby instead of Eloise it might be cool too but I'll just keep the one I have.

We're on the young side for having a baby, I was 24 when DD was born and for us the timing was awesome but we're in a weird career path. I don't actually miss or long for much, sure we probably would travel even more without DD but we travel a lot and have found other forms of entertainment. We play more games and have other families over for brunch/other people over for drinks.

I spent a lot of time when she was really little worried about "if we'd made a mistake" because she was really difficult and stressed me out a lot but now I get it and she's totally worth it all.

I also think because we had DD young she'll be out of our house when we're pretty young still. And we'll have more money to spend on stuff we actually want to do when we're a bit older and have managed to save. I love this time with DD but I also look forward to being 45 because DD will be 21 and have been out of our house for a couple years already.

this decaf life · April 2014

Myaflowers said:

I can totally relate to this! It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one to miss life before children. I love DD with all my heart, but DH works nights, so I'm a single parent during the week. I would kill for just ONE night to come home after work and just veg out on the couch and not have to take care of a tiny person. I'm glad I have DD, but having children definitely isn't all sunshine and rainbows! Something else that isn't as wonderful as everyone says...breastfeeding. DD and I are still nursing a few times a day at 15 months, but I'm currently recovering from my 8th bout of mastitis. Really? Sometimes I wish I had given up in the beginning before DD was old enough to get so attached to nursing!

The breastfeeding thing gets me too - it's part of I tried to do everything "right" with DD and so here we are at 15.5 months still nursing 3 times a day. I don't think I'd have the patience to do this all again.

Myaflowers · April 2014

this decaf life said:

Myaflowers said:

I can totally relate to this! It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one to miss life before children. I love DD with all my heart, but DH works nights, so I'm a single parent during the week. I would kill for just ONE night to come home after work and just veg out on the couch and not have to take care of a tiny person. I'm glad I have DD, but having children definitely isn't all sunshine and rainbows! Something else that isn't as wonderful as everyone says...breastfeeding. DD and I are still nursing a few times a day at 15 months, but I'm currently recovering from my 8th bout of mastitis. Really? Sometimes I wish I had given up in the beginning before DD was old enough to get so attached to nursing!

The breastfeeding thing gets me too - it's part of I tried to do everything "right" with DD and so here we are at 15.5 months still nursing 3 times a day. I don't think I'd have the patience to do this all again.

If I were to ever have another, I definitely couldn't go through all this crap with breastfeeding again! I love nursing DD, but between supply issues, recurrent mastitis, and pumping at work, I'm done with BF once DD weans. It looks like that may be awhile because she is also still nursing 3 times a day. I swear if I get mastitis ONE more time, I'm weaning from the right side! There's obviously something wrong with that side!

Myaflowers · April 2014

eyenigh said:

MissPeansMama said:

I won't say the article hit the nail on the head for me. BUT I do agree that being a mom isnt always a walk in the park. And it is so hard being bound by her schedule. DD is awesome but there are times where she's a complete "Little B" as DH calls her.

This. I also think that there is a huge difference between having "a baby" and having "YOUR
baby." Sometimes people will say "What if you'd never had a baby?" Then,
honestly, it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I probably would've
wondered what it might've been like but moved on and not thought much more about it. Now that I have
Alexander, it's a completely different story because not having HIM, specifically, would be something I'd never think twice about. It;s hard to explain to someone else how or why it's worth it.

For us, I think it also helps that we waited a long time to have him. It's true that you're never really "ready for it" but I think it helps when you feel like you've finished a lot of the things that you've wanted to accomplish. We both have multiple graduate degrees and good careers. We have many years of bars, clubs, traveling and fast cars behind us. I don't miss most of that stuff. Like others said, I do miss the flexibility and I wish we had more help when it came to that but, especially now that he's older, I never feel grounded.

I think waiting a long time (married 7 years, together for 12 when DD was born) made things harder for me. By the time DD came along I felt old (36) and set in my ways. Lol. I definitely think it was good to have all that time to just enjoy being married, though.

KatieB19 · April 2014

Myaflowers said:

MissPeansMama said:

I won't say the article hit the nail on the head for me. BUT I do agree that being a mom isnt always a walk in the park. And it is so hard being bound by her schedule. DD is awesome but there are times where she's a complete "Little B" as DH calls her.

This. I also think that there is a huge difference between having "a baby" and having "YOUR baby." Sometimes people will say "What if you'd never had a baby?" Then, honestly, it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I probably would've wondered what it might've been like but moved on and not thought much more about it. Now that I have Alexander, it's a completely different story because not having HIM, specifically, would be something I'd never think twice about. It;s hard to explain to someone else how or why it's worth it.

For us, I think it also helps that we waited a long time to have him. It's true that you're never really "ready for it" but I think it helps when you feel like you've finished a lot of the things that you've wanted to accomplish. We both have multiple graduate degrees and good careers. We have many years of bars, clubs, traveling and fast cars behind us. I don't miss most of that stuff. Like others said, I do miss the flexibility and I wish we had more help when it came to that but, especially now that he's older, I never feel grounded.
I think waiting a long time (married 7 years, together for 12 when DD was born) made things harder for me. By the time DD came along I felt old (36) and set in my ways. Lol. I definitely think it was good to have all that time to just enjoy being married, though.

We were still totally in the post-college phase of life when I got pregnant -- heck, I was back in grad school. We had been together for a while, but DS was certainly not planned. I do sometimes wonder if DH and I would have been on the same page later on in life as to when to TTC. But as it turned out, we were both hugely in denial and literally laughed as my bump got bigger. Like, no way really there's a BABY in there?? FTR, he was 27 and I was 26 when I got pregnant.

We were past partying and things like that, but as far as having done everything we wanted to do? Not even close. And it didn't even dawn on us that this was it. Not in an impending doom kind of way

but how much of our personal freedom to be spontaneous and having only ourselves to be accountable to would be non-existent for a while.

legalbeagle1 · April 2014

gwendarling said:
Also, I definitely miss my pre-baby life, but the highs are just so high and worth it to me. There was a book review on NPR a few months ago about this, and I think this sums it up: "...the highs are great, that there's something transcendent about the experience itself, but that the day-to-day strains are really, really tough and might interfere with what we might traditionally think of as fun."

Here's a link to the article, if anyone is interested: https://www.npr.org/2014/02/04/271416048/are-we-having-fun-yet-new-book-explores-the-paradox-of-parenting

I just started reading this book! Enjoying it so far!

hopanka · April 2014

TiffanyBerry said:
I really related to this article. But I think I'm in the minority about how I really feel.

I think I'm a pretty good mom. (Some of y'all might think I'm a crazy, hippie, fru-fru mom, but I'm down with that.) I love my daughter. I love having parented. (You guys remember that blog article, right?) I love getting to spend creative time with her making crafts or working together in the garden or reading two or three books to her.

But I'm just not all that into being a mom. I don't got all mushy when I have to drop her off at school (of course, that's been its own challenge). I don't get weepy-eyed at stories of kids who have been badly injured or killed thinking "oh god, that would be me, what would I ever do without her?!" I don't like playing with her for hours on end, honestly, though doing so at (nearly) four years old is better than it was before (though not all previous stages).

I know part of this is a chronic disthymia (very mild, functional, long-term depression, essentially) that I will likely always have. I know part of this is my past experience (I've experienced a lot of death and family loss in my life). And I know part of this is our circumstance (not having a lot of friends/family to spend the days with and feeling (for good reason or no) somewhat emotionally isolated.

But yeah, there's a lot of tradeoff for me. I absolutely wouldn't undo my decision to have my daughter. But that's
not to say it's not without its negatives to go along with the positives.

I completely agree and can relate.

Helenahhandbasket · April 2014

TiffanyBerry said:

I really related to this article. But I think I'm in the minority about how I really feel.

I think I'm a pretty good mom. (Some of y'all might think I'm a crazy, hippie, fru-fru mom, but I'm down with that.) I love my daughter. I love having parented. (You guys remember that blog article, right?) I love getting to spend creative time with her making crafts or working together in the garden or reading two or three books to her.

But I'm just not all that into being a mom. I don't got all mushy when I have to drop her off at school (of course, that's been its own challenge). I don't get weepy-eyed at stories of kids who have been badly injured or killed thinking "oh god, that would be me, what would I ever do without her?!" I don't like playing with her for hours on end, honestly, though doing so at (nearly) four years old is better than it was before (though not all previous stages).

I know part of this is a chronic disthymia (very mild, functional, long-term depression, essentially) that I will likely always have. I know part of this is my past experience (I've experienced a lot of death and family loss in my life). And I know part of this is our circumstance (not having a lot of friends/family to spend the days with and feeling (for good reason or no) somewhat emotionally isolated.

But yeah, there's a lot of tradeoff for me. I absolutely wouldn't undo my decision to have my daughter. But that's not to say it's not without its negatives to go along with the positives.

Wow.

@tiffanyberry, we sound very similar, down to the chronic low grade depression. Motherhood/ being a mother has not come naturally to me in the slightest.

meo34 · April 2014

I guess for me we were trying for some time to have DS and we were totally over the going out and partying phase. We loved to travel but it felt like something was missing from the adventure and we knew that was having a child to share it with. Honestly for us our family did not feel complete and our house felt empty (I know not everyone feels that way but we did). So I can completely get the struggle with IF and the desire to have a child. After DS was born there was a desire to have another, I'll be honest. It took time to come to terms with that not happening and now our family feels complete. I don't feel I have sacarfice myself or a lifestyle especially as DS gets older. WE both have hobbies and interests outside of our family. We have regular babysitters and have a sense of freedom to do things on our own or as a couple. It was so totally worth it to me but I think it is important to not let parenthood define you because there will be life after kids. You don't want to be sitting there staring at each other and not knowing what to do without your children to take care of.

MrsCodeMonkey · April 2014

meo34 said:
I guess for me we were trying for some time to have DS and we were totally over the going out and partying phase. We loved to travel but it felt like something was missing from the adventure and we knew that was having a child to share it with. Honestly for us our family did not feel complete and our house felt empty (I know not everyone feels that way but we did). So I can completely get the struggle with IF and the desire to have a child. After DS was born there was a desire to have another, I'll be honest. It took time to come to terms with that not happening and now our family feels complete. I don't feel I have sacarfice myself or a lifestyle especially as DS gets older. WE both have hobbies and interests outside of our family. We have regular babysitters and have a sense of freedom to do things on our own or as a couple. It was so totally worth it to me but I think it is important to not let parenthood define you because there will be life after kids. You don't want to be sitting there staring at each other and not knowing what to do without your children to take care of.

I love your view on parenting and maintaining your sense of identity while being a parent. I'm trying to figure out who I am besides a mom. I am ready to focus on myself for a change.

KatieB19 · April 2014

MrsCodeMonkey said:

I guess for me we were trying for some time to have DS and we were totally over the going out and partying phase. We loved to travel but it felt like something was missing from the adventure and we knew that was having a child to share it with. Honestly for us our family did not feel complete and our house felt empty (I know not everyone feels that way but we did). So I can completely get the struggle with IF and the desire to have a child. After DS was born there was a desire to have another, I'll be honest. It took time to come to terms with that not happening and now our family feels complete. I don't feel I have sacarfice myself or a lifestyle especially as DS gets older. WE both have hobbies and interests outside of our family. We have regular babysitters and have a sense of freedom to do things on our own or as a couple. It was so totally worth it to me but I think it is important to not let parenthood define you because there will be life after kids. You don't want to be sitting there staring at each other and not knowing what to do without your children to take care of.
I love your view on parenting and maintaining your sense of identity while being a parent. I'm trying to figure out who I am besides a mom. I am ready to focus on myself for a change.

I was struggling with who I was BEFORE ds even came into the picture. And now that I've been a sahm for 3.5 years (longer if you consider that I wasn't working or in school during my third trimester) I have totally lost myself. I'm getting a job this fall, so I'm hoping that helps me find my own identity again, separate from being a mom.

Ago · April 2014

gwendarling said:

Also, I definitely miss my pre-baby life, but the highs are just so high and worth it to me. There was a book review on NPR a few months ago about this, and I think this sums it up: "...the highs are great, that there's something transcendent about the experience itself, but that the day-to-day strains are really, really tough and might interfere with what we might traditionally think of as fun."

Here's a link to the article, if anyone is interested: https://www.npr.org/2014/02/04/271416048/are-we-having-fun-yet-new-book-explores-the-paradox-of-parenting

I'm reading this book now. Really good!

meo34 · April 2014

KatieB19 said:

MrsCodeMonkey said:

I guess for me we were trying for some time to have DS and we were totally over the going out and partying phase. We loved to travel but it felt like something was missing from the adventure and we knew that was having a child to share it with. Honestly for us our family did not feel complete and our house felt empty (I know not everyone feels that way but we did). So I can completely get the struggle with IF and the desire to have a child. After DS was born there was a desire to have another, I'll be honest. It took time to come to terms with that not happening and now our family feels complete. I don't feel I have sacarfice myself or a lifestyle especially as DS gets older. WE both have hobbies and interests outside of our family. We have regular babysitters and have a sense of freedom to do things on our own or as a couple. It was so totally worth it to me but I think it is important to not let parenthood define you because there will be life after kids. You don't want to be sitting there staring at each other and not knowing what to do without your children to take care of.
I love your view on parenting and maintaining your sense of identity while being a parent. I'm trying to figure out who I am besides a mom. I am ready to focus on myself for a change.

I was struggling with who I was BEFORE ds even came into the picture. And now that I've been a sahm for 3.5 years (longer if you consider that I wasn't working or in school during my third trimester) I have totally lost myself. I'm getting a job this fall, so I'm hoping that helps me find my own identity again, separate from being a mom.

Good luck to both of you in your quest to define yourself! I am a little older, DS is older and I have well defined career so I have a slight advantage. My mom was a sahm which I fully support but she struggled alot with self identity. We were not the closest and still aren't but one she thing she instilled in me was the importance of having a sense of who you are as a person. Personally I think this makes you a better parent. Another wake up call was when my Mother in Law had to fill out a survey and for hobbies and interest she put "My children" because honestly that's all she could come up with. Even if you can't get time to yourself to get out of the house I think it is possible, but not easy, to develop your own interests and hobbies. Just 2 cents from an old lady.lol.

this decaf life · April 2014

meo34 said:

I guess for me we were trying for some time to have DS and we were totally over the going out and partying phase. We loved to travel but it felt like something was missing from the adventure and we knew that was having a child to share it with. Honestly for us our family did not feel complete and our house felt empty (I know not everyone feels that way but we did). So I can completely get the struggle with IF and the desire to have a child. After DS was born there was a desire to have another, I'll be honest. It took time to come to terms with that not happening and now our family feels complete. I don't feel I have sacarfice myself or a lifestyle especially as DS gets older. WE both have hobbies and interests outside of our family. We have regular babysitters and have a sense of freedom to do things on our own or as a couple. It was so totally worth it to me but I think it is important to not let parenthood define you because there will be life after kids. You don't want to be sitting there staring at each other and not knowing what to do without your children to take care of.

This is awesome. I knew we'd be moving abroad and planned DD to arrive before we moved because I wanted her to travel the world with us. I know if we didn't have her I'd have already been back to the US or would be going soon but that's a long trip to put her through so we're using that as our excuse to not go home. That means though we're doing a mini-tour of south-east asia instead and she gets to come visit countries many people couldn't even place on a map. DH and I try to go out once a week/every other week and we take DD out to coffee/for breakfast at the same frequency. I don't think we've had to give up a lot and I know we could manage with a second LO but it would slow us down.

kristennd · April 2014

I'm on the library wait list for that All Joy, No Fun book.

I had LO at 40, so I had plenty of time to get things out of my system, travel, etc. On the other hand, I had plenty of time to get very set in my ways and accustomed to having as much time to myself as I wanted. Exacerbated by living alone for a good 15 years, not marrying until 39 and not living together until we were married, DH working evenings/weekends, etc. That's a lot of solitude and it's a weird thing to give up.

There are a couple SAHMs on my BMB who cut off friendships with and generally rant about women who declined to give up their identities and hobbies/interests and devote themselves 100% to being mothers. I will never wrap my head around that mindset. Ditto the women who get angry with their husbands for not doing the same.

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