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Blended Families
I am livid, need some advice?
You ladies seem to be pretty honest on this board, so I will tell my story . First here is my background, I have been married to my husband for a little over 3 years, he was a 9 yo daugther from a previous relationship . We have a 9 month old together . My DH's and I and are amicable with the BM, no major issues . BM has been re-married for 5 years, with two new kids from her new husband .
So here is my issue, yesterday I had to work and DH and SD and my daughter went to his mother's for Christmas. When I got home , I was looking at the gifts . There were 3 shopping bags of gifts for SD . My daughter got a Barney rattle and bottle - no joke? Then I saw two wrapped presents and looked at the name tags, his mother got presents for the BM new kids? I am so insulted that she did this, and brought them into my house? Am I wrong ? I want to call and tell her off, I am his wife now and she has a new granddaughter she barely acknowledges.
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Re: I am livid, need some advice?
You are wrong. Your MIL is nicely buing one gift for her granddaughter's sisters/brothers. That is a very nice thing to do, and a way to keep realtions cordial.
ALL you can really buy for a 9 month old is a rattle and bottle. I think you are really overreacting. I did not buy MY OWN 7 month old son a single thing, and I told his grandparents to just buy for his sister. He doesn't know the difference.
If your MIL has not made any other slights, I would say she is being practical towards the baby, and very kind to include BM's children in her Christmas giving. If there are other issues, then perhaps you would have cuase to be upset, but I think with what you've written you should reconsider your level of upsetness..
What did your DH have to say about it?
Would I be hurt and annoyed, honestly yes. I would not be hurt that she bought for the ex's kids and that the gifts were sent to your house - I have a feeling that's not what is hurting you either but rather that you feel like she cares more about the ex than you and therefore more about the ex's kids than your baby. But, I agree that buying 1 gift for each of the new siblings is a nice way too keep things amicable and great for SD to see that her Grandmother can care about and give to all of her siblings. That said, try to bite your tongue this time but if it continues to happen as your child gets older or even for the 1st birthday assuming you are having a party then I would say something. Now that I think about it, if possible I would have DH say something to her along the lines of, I know that DD is still a baby and that this year there was not much that was needed for her but in the future I need the gift giving to be more equal because I don't want the girls to feel like they are not equals.
Oh, and for Wendilea, I get the comparison about your Mom buying gifts for your DD to give to her whole family but I think it's a little different to buy a small gift that your DD picks out and teaching her to give to others and signing a gift from yourself...but like I said above, I don't think there is anything wrong with that either.
If it makes you feel any better, my MIL sent SD and DS money (she lives in England) and did not send anything for my newborn for Christmas or a new baby gift - some people are just like that.
You need to separate the two issues!
1) The lack of presents for your child first. Has she shown favortism for the older child before? Other than gifts, has she ignored your daughter, ie does she not interact with her at all? Has she NEVER EVER acknowledged your child before?
If this is a one time deal - then get over it. PRESENTS are just that - gifts. They ARE NOT the only way someone shows love.
2) Gifts for her other granddaughter's siblings. Is that a hill you want to die on? Personally, I would probably do the exact same thing. Why didn't YOU think of it?
Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and then look at yourself and why you are reacting the way you are? Are you insulted or are you a bit insecure? Because unless my MIL has shown previous forms of favortism, I would never be insulted by two CHILDREN getting gifts.
I agree that giving gifts to BM's other children is a nice way to keep things cordial. As time goes on, grandmother may not continue to do this, but for now, there's not really anything wrong with it.
Secondly, there's not much you can buy for a pretty new baby who still doesn't "get" Christmas. Next year will be the year to go overboard, and I'm willing to bet that MIL will rise to the occasion then.
It's a little weird for me . . . I would be annoyed with this situation!! First of all because if the MIL wants to gift the ex and her family -- she should make the trip herself and deliver those gifts or mail them. Just because your DH and BM are on friendly terms it doesn't mean that they should be best buddies and deliver gifts for each other! It's over, right? I would find this disrespectful, and it's not a matter wether it's wrong or right but how I feel.
You know what it doesn't matter what others think. I matters how you feel! Tell your MIL that it bugs you that she did that and that you are sure that now that she knows this offends you she will not do it again next year and that she will find other means to get the presents delivered. Your DH should be the one to step in and say "You know this offends my wife and I respect her, so I will not let this happen again!" Hopefully they didn't do this with the ill intention but, if you speak up now they know and there is no excuse to repeat the same mistake again.
I disagree with the other posters. I would be livid.
My DH has a 10 yo daughter from a previous relationship - we have a 4 mo daughter. The ex has married and has 2 other children. Everyone has a pretty good relationship also. My MIL does not buy gifts for SD's siblings. She does sometimes send things along for them that she and SD baked or a goody bag at Halloween, but that is about it.
MIL bought about the same amount of gifts for both our girls. I get the idea that the baby doesn't know about Christmas, but that shouldn't mean that she gets skipped over. FWIW, my family did the same for both our girls also. Age doesn't matter.
Just my two cents worth.
I can see your point of view... you think that the MIL needs to move on, right? Well, I agree- I am in the same situation. My MIL treats DS like the red-headed stepchild compared to my SS, who granted is the only child of divorce in the family & the first grandchild, but still- those reasons, however she may feel are justified, are simply nonsense in the eyes of me or my H. When MIL asked my H to deliver gifts to his ex years back he said that if she was so concerned that his ex get gifts from MIL then she would deliver them herself-- it felt to my H like a slap in the face, like, "Here, do my dirty work"-- it was a dig deliberately to him.
I think you should have your H say something to your MIL; if you don't now, then it's only going to continue. MIL needs to know that you're aware that she's attempting to treat the grandchildren from him unequally, and that showering one just because of her life's circumstances is p*ss poor judgement.. yes, it's sad her parents are divorced, but she's got to live with it, and being spoiled is not the right way to go about it. Further, to bring gifts for the ex or her kids in to your house-- yeah, she needs to find a way to get those to them without going throguh you guys. It's not your responsibility to do her 'good deeds' as she sees it... if she truly had good intentions, she'd deliver them herself.
I totally agree SDC81!
From a BM and grandmother perspective...
When ex remarried, his wife's kids were my kids' siblings. Though they lived with me they were extremely close with their siblings (shoot, some of my kids like the steps better than the fulls, lol.) I bought a small gift from each of the kids to their stepsiblings every holiday. If they're my kids' siblings, they're family. Period. Doesn't matter the relationship between me and SM, me and ex (which was generally cordial, btwi, when SM wasn't involved) or any other relationship. What mattered was the relationship between the kids. (I'm a shopper/buyer affection-shower by nature, if you can't tell.)
I always tried to be "equal" with my kids (still do to a great extent), and I try to be equal with the grandkids as well. Equal doesn't mean gifts between a 7 month old and an older child need to be the same number, same amount. At this age, Equal means they're both loved and cossetted by Grandma regardless of what/how much she buys for one rather than the other.
Why do you feel Gma ignores your child? Because she didn't give her lots of gifts? Because she doesn't come over enough or babysit enough? Because she doesn't hold her when she does come over? Maybe she's not as comfortable with an infant. Maybe she's not as comfortable with you at this point. Give it time and see how her relationship with your child develops. When she's older the relationship will be different.
I am raising my five-year-old granddaughter; we've had her since she was an infant. My DD2 has another daughter that she is now raising and my DD1 has a son; both are 3. Because they don't live with me, and the older one does, she gets benefits that the other two don't have. A bigger, more stable house, her own room, lots of toys and clothes, dance classes and museums and treats, a better life. HOWEVER, because I'm grandma to the others, they certainly aren't ignored. They get toys and clothes (lots of clothes) from me, an equal number of presents at Christmas and birthdays (as compared to the other child in the same situation rather than the one who lives with us). They get hugs, kisses and trips and treats from me. I pay for their birthday parties. Just because they don't get AS MUCH (they're younger, too, remember) doesn't mean I don't love them as much or that I'm treating them unfairly. Situations between the kids are different. Yours is an infant and doesn't know or care what she got for Christmas from Grandma; that is *your* problem and not the child's. The other child is older and can appreciate the gifts and the season more than an infant. Maybe Gma doesn't know what to buy for an infant or figures an infant doesn't care or need as much as an older child. I certainly do.
To buy gifts for her granddaughter's siblings is a sweet, generous gesture on her part, not a slap at you or your family. These children are her granddaughter's family and she's showing, in her way, that she recognizes them as such.
My Short One has an older brother who was adopted as a baby. He has an older sister. Every year I buy her a small Christmas gift from us and short one. She's family as much as anyone because she's HIS brother and HE is our family. She appreciates feeling included in our family; we're trying to make one cohesive unit where everyone has a relationship with the other siblings, no matter the relationship between them. Siblings are siblings are siblings; they're all going to grow up together and we want them to all feel connected to each other and to the rest of the family unit. Maybe your MIL wants the same for her granddaughter? Or maybe she just wants to stay on BMs good side so she can have a better relationship with her granddaughter that she doesn't get to see all that often.