TMI article

sarahjeri · April 2014

I read this article today, and wondered about what everyone thinks applying to 3rd party (instead of adoption).
https://www.creatingafamily.org/blog/tmi/

liz4paws · April 2014

Interesting that she has that viewpoint. I definitely don't agree with her, but to each their own, I guess. In all of the conversations I've had with professionals about donor issues, its been reiterated that a child should always know they were born of donor material. There shouldn't be a time where they remember being told and it should be a story they are told from birth. Secrets imply shame and the last thing I want to do is to make my child feel like she should be ashamed of her origins. I plan to have our daughter know from the beginning and for us to celebrate how much she was wanted.

As for talking about infertility being TMI, I always felt like one of the reasons infertility is such a taboo topic is...because no one talks about it! It's a catch 22. It's foreign to someone who has never been through it themselves and since they never hear about it, it makes them uncomfortable when they do. I take the mindset of "be the change you wish to see in the world" and try to educate people whenever I can so that hopefully someday it wont be so taboo and will be just as normal as breast cancer awareness or that sort of thing. I obviously do it with as much tact and appropriate timing as possible without talking too much about the TMI aspects unless someone asks, but if it ends up makes someone uncomfortable, oh well. There's my 2 cents.

Mrs.McIrish · April 2014

I can sort of agree with the blog's author in terms of over-revealing an adopted child's birth families problems. Some things aren't necessary to share. While I always plan to tell my child about the use of DE, it's not like I pass out the donor's questionnaire or photos to other people. We haven't shown that profile to anyone. I just don't feel like anyone needs to know the details of my actual donor.

tifga · April 2014

We had to see a shrink before we could start using DS and she said something I thought was smart. I asked her when we should go about telling our families the baby is from DS and she said it isn't for me to tell. The babies should know from birth that some kind man helped mommy and daddy have the babies they always wanted. And if the kids want anyone else to know it is their choice.

Some kids will tell everyone and some kids will say nothing and it is up to them to decide.

Twinkie0612 · April 2014

I agree with Liz about being open with my child(ren) about where they came from. Every thing I read and all of the discussions I have had with my therapist and the psychologist that did our evaluation, came to the conclusion that being open is the best policy, secrets hurt relationships.

I want it to be something that they consider normal and never feel like they need to hide it from other people. This will require me to be open with others about my IF and embryo donation, since I don't want my children to feel like I was hiding the fact that they are not my biological children from the outside world. I think sharing personal information about the donor family could fall into that TMI category. Since our donation/adoption is closed, we really don't have more than some basic physical characteristics and some medical history on our donor couple, so this really isn't a concern for me.

I have wondered how the closed nature of our donation/adoption will affect our child(ren) down the road. Will they be upset that they don't have the option of locating their genetic siblings/parents?

ksgsmu · April 2014

We will not disclose for very personal reasons... but the bottomline is we don't believe it is our right to tell. Our children may not want it known. We will tell our children when/if it is appropriate and it is up to them if they want anyone else to know. Not because of shame but because of privacy....and really it isn't anyone's business. period.

lincoln79 · April 2014

Interesting article and topic. I am in the sort of opposite situation, I would rather not share with EVERYONE but when people find out we are expecting in November and I am still wearing an XS sized shirt, an explanation is nearly required.

Oh well, all worth it for a take home baby!!!

2MamazInSeattle · April 2014

I agree that the child themselves should always know where they came from and never have a moment of remembering when they found out. I'm going to make a book about her donors online using the photos we got and using their profiles, I plan to write it in a story format - but also include me and J in that as "part 2" - so it's a book we can read to her from baby age and she'll always have it, with pictures and details.

As for the rest of the world, we have been very open with our close family and friends (and as a same sex couple, using DS was assumed by all - the egg donor is the surprising fact to most) - but once the child is growing, I agree, it's something for them to decide and/or for us to take their lead on. If they are blabbling all over the place about it, totally cool - we will help them round out the details! If they feel private about it, then that's ok too and we'll support it.

Now, if it comes up, I usually share super basic tidbits about our donors if asked "our male donor is very musically talented, and our female donor was just all-around solid as a person" kind of statements. I think for now, sure, it's our story to tell - but when I think about my daughter as a teen, she may need to have some space to digest where she came from as she grows and it's more 'real' for her to the rest of the world, and she realizes she is different from her friends, peers etc.. If that makes sense.

Great read, thanks for sharing!

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sarahjeri · April 2014

I love these answers

For us, we decided we would always have our kids know where they come from and from who. Our egg donor is a good friend of mine, which using a known donor was important to me for this reason. @liz4paws‌ I feel the same ad you in that I think the more I share, the more knowledgeable people will be which will hopefully help other people. I want our children to be able to tell their story their way, but there are so many people who know it, or at least a lot of it, that I'm hoping it's just not a big deal to them and kind of just the way it is. We have a book too @2MamazInSeattle‌ and our dd already loves hearing "her story".

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