My mom's comments hurt more than others :(

BunnyBerry · April 2014

Love my mom, but we are very different people...she has never been very involved/interested in my life or feelings (her reaction when I told her I was engaged - "oh, okay"), so I was shocked and thrilled when she took me out to dinner last month and was super excited to hear all the details of my first RE visit. She wanted to learn all about IUI and IVF and was talking about how her new job would give her time to babysit, and wouldn't it be great to have triplets and just be done (she doesn't understand risks), and all this baby stuff that I never imagined I'd ever hear from her.

Last night I took her shopping for an outfit (upcoming family wedding) and her tone had completely changed. I mentioned how painful/uncomfortable it was this week to have just a Pap and the gonorrhea/chlamydia tests required pre-HSG/IUI, and that I was worried about all the invasive tests to come. Her response was, "You don't have to do all that, you know. Maybe God just doesn't want you and [DH] to have children. And you'll get pregnant eventually if it's meant to be. I don't know why you're in a rush. Grandma had two biologically after 9 years of trying and adopting me."

I'm just so relieved that all of you on this board know exactly how much is wrong with each of those statements without me having to explain a thing. I tried to reply but in my mom's world, any argument would just be whining/immature/oversensitive so pretty much I just sat in silence and tried to come to terms that she wasn't going to magically be loving and supportive. It just really hurts that my own mom doesn't seem to value my desire to be a parent and acts as if it is some kind of childish, immature plan (I've been married almost 6 years and TTC on and off for over 5 years). It just hurts that she would think her daughter's future as being childless or being a mother is not important, should be left up to the tiny chance of natural pregnancy after so many years of trying.

I know from reading other posts the last few weeks that many of you are dealing with mothers and MILs who just don't get it. I'm sorry for all of you and hope we can find trusted older/wiser women to help support us on this journey!!

CaitlinAnn24 · April 2014

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's comments. I know what it's like when a family member hurts your feelings. I'm lucky (well, not lucky) that my mom went through fertility treatments for over 2 years-orals and injects- to have me, so she really understands.
Maybe if you explain to your mom how strong your desire is to have kids and how it hurts you when she suggests that it might not happen. Sorry you have to deal with this

CandaceC1020 · April 2014

People who haven't personally experienced IF have no idea of what we go through. What's worse is they have absolutely no idea of what can be considered harmful. Do you think that you can send your mom a few articles from the RESOLVE website on what to say and what not to say to a person dealing with IF?

jaztastic · April 2014

Im so sorry... That really sucks.

ronniesgirl1981 · April 2014

I'm sorry. It blows.

meld42 · April 2014

I'm sorry

as much as we can look at those comments and know they're out of line, it hurts when they come from a mother

theholmanherd · April 2014

My MIL all but told us that now isn't a good time for us to get pregnant and she tells people how I can't have a baby right now (not because of IF but because I'm 'not ready'). Fuck you, MIL! I just know she will think our baby was an accident and if she says anything I'm going to tell her that if she ever calls my baby an accident I will never let her see the baby and that we planned the baby so she needs to mind her own fucking business.

On the opposite end, my mom died under tragic circumstances and it pains me to not be able to ever call her with questions about newborns and fevers and all that stuff at all hours when we are parents. I certainly won't ask MiL but at least I have my aunts. My mom tried for 12 years to have me so I know she would have understood.

Sewfie · April 2014

I'm sorry. My parents have no idea we're trying, let alone that we're having trouble and that I'm getting a lap done. I remember years ago that they said my (maternal) grandmother had to have surgery to have kids and that she should have taken that to mean god didn't want her to have kids (my mom has said she was abusive, but she also has the tendency to exaggerate).
It's hard, and it makes me really sad and angry, but I know that they won't be able to be there for me really, so I just don't try.

gsancho · April 2014

I'm so sorry she said that. That's like a triple whammy of multiple hurtful phrases in one! I agree parent's comments always hurt the most, so we can definitely relate on some level. That's why we're here for you!

SamanthaLaura16 · April 2014

CandaceC1020 said:

People who haven't personally experienced IF have no idea of what we go through. What's worse is they have absolutely no idea of what can be considered harmful. Do you think that you can send your mom a few articles from the RESOLVE website on what to say and what not to say to a person dealing with IF?

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I completely agree with the statement above. My mom has always been saying just wait and be patient and relax and you should not be taking all that medication. So I sent her the article from RESOLVE and she has become much more understanding. I am considering sending it to other people in the family.

Sami14vb · April 2014

Some people are so flippant and insensitive with their comments. I think often times people don't know what to say to heal the hurt and pain so they say something that is well thought out. I think to myself after an insensitive comment, how would you feel if suddenly all of your children were taken from you and you had to live the rest of your life without them. Would you be ok with that? Women with infertility feel like they have experienced a death and it is devastating!

princessisadora · April 2014

I'm so sorry. I def understand were you are coming from. Sorry you are dealing with this.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

@candacec1020 Thank you for the tip about the Resolve articles. I went to the site to choose one and ended up spending the afternoon reading their resources. It was really helpful and just what I needed. Not sure what I'll pass on to mom, I was thinking of copying and pasting some items that really relate to how I feel personally.

@alaskadee23 I'm so sorry you have had that experience. Moving out of the country for 3 years did help me get some of that distance and perspective to let go of what I hoped a mom "should" be in my adult life. That is really smart of you, to seek out other strong women. My strategy has been to call up my younger sis so she can commiserate after an especially bad "mom-ism", but I am also thinking of seeking out a mentor or two in the older women at church who have gone through IF.

@theholmanherd I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. What an empowering history, that she kept trying and was blessed with you after 12 years! I am glad you have aunts to look to. What a weird MIL - you'd think she'd be thrilled with the idea of a grandkid!! Isn't it so condescending for people to think they should have kids, but you shouldn't?

@hoping4LO I'm sorry you have to avoid the topic with your mom. I kind of figured that's how it would be with my mom and was wary about bringing it up, then she acted as if we were BFFs that one time and threw me off! It's so helpful to know that I'm not the only one with an unsupportive mom when it comes to IF. I think most of the pain of that comes from thinking that a mom is *supposed* to be there for you.

@sewfie I'm sorry your parents aren't understanding about IF. I hope your lap goes smoothly and takes care of the partial obstruction!

@samanthalaura16 It's great that the article made a difference! My mom is actually a psychiatric social worker and it's hard to handle that she cannot be more sensitive to feelings about it, but I bet she would really respect the advice of a support group, and even if she didn't agree (I could see her thinking that women with IF just don't want to hear the "truth" for example that they should relax, ugh), I bet she would tone down the negative comments.

@rumbera28 WOW that is some serious fertility! No wonder she felt like an expert. I am really impressed that the article makes such a difference for so many people. Maybe it's the cachet of being something in print and official instead of their *own daughter's* ideas.

@caterinaC I'm so sorry that you've had to be out of contact with your mom. I'm sorry you had to go through that process of realizing your mom was not going to be that support we would all hope for. I think I'm still in the midst of that process. Luckily in small doses my mom can be pretty nice to be around, but definitely when we did pre-marital counseling there was a lot of advice on how to rethink healthy family relationships...that it's not normal to constantly criticize/be criticized for example (DH is happy I have figured out that one). My mom is worst in difficult/stressful/negative situations, but I still think she'll be really great and involved in the "fun" parts of grandparenting if/when we're blessed with a child.

@sami14vb That hits the nail on the head. I remember reading somewhere that infertility is as emotionally taxing as having cancer or getting divorced. I think that is the perfect angle to express it in a way my mom would understand - she loves us fiercely and maybe she could translate that to understand that her baby is ready to love a baby who isn't even here yet. Thank you for sharing!

Lillovebug79 · April 2014

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hurtful comments from loved ones are the worst. Even though they mean well, my family has said some pretty crappy stuff about letting nature just work itself out. I finally told them that I didn't want to hear that anymore so stop or I wouldn't be discussing it any further with them. It just hurts knowing part of my family feels that way.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

@lillovebug79 so sorry about that, and it's great that you were able to be assertive about it. Sometimes I wonder if my mom finds it easier to let go of any expectations rather than feel sad that I might not have kids? But of course we TTTCers can't do that or we wouldn't have the oomph to keep going with the costs and difficulties of getting treatment!

ksgsmu · April 2014

I am so sorry... My mom made similar comments to me once and it hurt so bad. I had to have a sit down with her and explain ( through sobs) that her comments were hurtful. I found out she doesn't understand IF or the processes even though I have tried to explain them to her multiple times. She was ignorant and honestly to some extent still is but she no longer says hurtful things.

I know it sucks to feel like no one understand... especially when it is your mom. IF sucks.

(((hugs)))

BunnyBerry · April 2014

@ksgsmu I'm so sorry. Thank you for your support!!

erollis · April 2014

@ksgsmu‌ I'm really sorry it came down to that with your mom.

My mother called H last night to question why I got my cervix dilated. She just doesn't get it! H was a bit exasperated by her call. He did his best to explain things to her. And she's going to send him info on natural family planning doctors here. Plus what I did wasn't permanent and it can only help. I'm afraid she's becoming the bad religious (no place for science, it's all up to God, pushing religion on you). My friend told me over the weekend to ignore the fertile Myrtle (my mom). It's getting difficult to do so.

On the flip side MIL called me immediately after my mom called H. MIL asked how I was doing since I had a breakdown and was feeling sick at their home. She wanted to remind me they are here to help us any way they can. And she asked if I took home any of the scarfs she made. She was happy I took one of the ones she wanted me to have.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

@erollis so sorry about your mom. I'm really glad your MIL clearly is there for you!

SweetieShellieH · April 2014

I understand completely. My mom has said a few things in the past that have had me running out of the room in tears. She never went through IF (Myself who is the oldest, and my youngest brother were "opps" babies, only the middle brother was planned!) so I know she doesn't mean it in a bad way, she just doesn't think about how someone in my place views what she says. She at least tries to be more careful with what she says now. I hope your mom will realize what she said wasn't what you needed to hear and will think before she says something like that again!

almostamissus · April 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know my mom has also said some unintentionally hurtful things. I actually just sent her an email explaining I knew she wasn't trying to hurt me and that her words were coming from a place of trying to be supportive but not knowing what to say. I included a couple of links- one about infertility etiquette, one with information on fertility treatments and one with basic info on my dx- and explained I hoped she would try to educate herself so that she didn't say unintentionally hurtful things. I know she's read them and it's because she really does want to be supportive and just doesn't have the facts.
Maybe you could try something similar? It sounds like your mother is supportive (but maybe ignorant to the realities?) I feel much better already (and a little more patient!) just knowing that she is putting in the effort to understand. I hope that helps! Good luck!

JadziaDax · April 2014

I'm sorry your mom said those hurtful comments. At this point, I've come to terms with the fact that these types of comments will be made and I just don't share anything anymore with the people who make them, especially my MIL who tells me to be patient.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

@sweetieshellieh, I like how you are able to put yourself in your mom's shoes to see where she is coming from. I will try to do that more with my mom, I think it will help me brush it off better.

@almostamissus your plan sounds really effective and also "low-drama" which I'm definitely going for! Especially focusing on how she's making an effort shows she cares, even if not every comment is just the right thing. I like that you sent her info on your Dx. I think that gives me a good time frame, after we complete testing and know exactly what we're up against I will send her a fact sheet or something.

@jadziadax Ugh "Patient"! I think few people have exercised as much patience as we IFers have...because we simply don't have a choice in the matter!

erollis · April 2014

NariaDreaming said:
@erollis let me guess- she's Catholic and sending you info on NaPro docs?

I always was and still am Catholic, she is Baptist. Recently she started praying over people and doing group prayers. It's a bit uncomfortable when she's praying over H and I before we leave to Houston that god will give us a baby. But I respect her beliefs. I think we'll need to have a heart to heart soon.

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My mom's comments hurt more than others :(

Re: My mom's comments hurt more than others :(

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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My mom's comments hurt more than others :(

Re: My mom's comments hurt more than others :(

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!