Feeling guilty and selfish

Sami14vb · April 2014

My husband's best friend's son's 1 year old birthday party is tomorrow. My husband and I were invited to the gathering at the park. I'm not going, and my husband will go on his own. My birthday is on Monday, and I am going to go shopping with my niece and mom out of town. I could have rearranged my plans to go to the party and celebrate my birthday in some other way, but to be honest I just really don't want to go to the birthday party. I feel like going to a one year old's birthday party would be the most painful thing for me right now. I already know what would happen. The guys would gather together and talk. Then the women would be scurrying around all of their children and talking about kids in general. I would feel so out of place, and I know the dreaded question of "Do you have kids" and "when are you guys going to start trying" will pop up, and I really just don't know what to say.

I know my husband is dissapointed that I am not going since I could go shopping with my family on Sunday. He feels like I'm being selfish and everything is not about me. I know the friend's feel like I'm not supporting them even though I was told it's fine I'm not coming. I just feel so misunderstood and know no one understand the pain I feel around my infertility. I'm even dreading going to the store today to pick up a baby gift because I should get one and drop it off at their house or something.

I would force myself to go if I was really close to the wife, but I'm not really. Have any of you felt this way? Have you gotten to a point where you can go to child related events and be in a good mood?

CandaceC1020 · April 2014

Don't beat yourself up over your decision. The only person who is going to worry about you is you. We need to take care of ourselves and do what is going to be best for us. If going to the birthday party for a friend's one year old son is going to be a trigger for you, don't go. I understand feeling guilty about things, but you have to do what is going to be best for your mental health.

kushie77 · April 2014

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing what you need to do to try and keep some sort of sanity in this awful shitstorm called infertility.

I've been avoiding baby showers and kid's parties for months now. And as far as a gift goes, get a gift card or cash in a card. The parents can get whatever they need and the kid is too little to know anyhow.

Pintobean39 · April 2014

I would not be so hard on yourself. Unless you are going through this you don't know how hard it is. You have to take care of yourself mentally and physically, so if you don't want to go, don't. That child will never know you didn't go. Send a gift card or cash in a card, most 1 yr olds get more gifts than they can play with anyway.

theholmanherd · April 2014

I wouldn't go either. Your husband needs to be more sensitive or at least not nag you about it. That's just mean. Enjoy your birthday with your mom and niece. I would get the gift just to show you do support them but that you're still not up to going. I love my niece and nephew but their birthday parties are always such a drag so I totally get it. Especially since most people who go have 2-3 kids and I'm in the corner all childless and feeling sorry for myself. Do what's best for you and have some fun!

mindaa · April 2014

Agree with pp - go enjoy your birthday celebration without feeling guilty about it!

I probably wouldn't go to the kid party, either - I agree those type of events can be totally awkward as a CF couple.

Last summer, DH and I met some friends at their kids' soccer tournament. It fell on CD 1 or 2, and I had a total breakdown in the icky park restroom. I just hated how weird and out of place I felt among all those families.

BunnyBerry · April 2014

So sorry, it sucks that we have to feel guilty sometimes for not being able to meet everyone's expectations.

Hopefully your DH will understand, if you choose to talk to him about it again. I know the man in my life never gets it the first time around. -_-

Happy birthday! Enjoy the great weekend with family, including your Sunday off to relax!

Sigh202 · April 2014

Not selfish at all. I haven't been to a baby shower or party or held a baby in probably 3 years.

erollis · April 2014

BunnyBerry said:
So sorry, it sucks that we have to feel guilty sometimes for not being able to meet everyone's expectations.

Hopefully your DH will understand, if you choose to talk to him about it again. -_-

Happy birthday! Enjoy the great weekend with family, including your Sunday off to relax!

Took the words out of my mouth.

Happy Early Birthday and have fun.

Sami14vb · April 2014

Thank you all for your advice! I had so much fun on my shopping trip with my family, and my husband didn't even end up going to the party because it was over by the time he got off work. I ended up stopping by at the couples house at the end of the day to watch a little bit of the fight that was on this weekend. So, all in all, everything worked out.

Want a personalized experience?

Feeling guilty and selfish

Re: Feeling guilty and selfish

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

Feeling guilty and selfish

Re: Feeling guilty and selfish

March 2014 - RE appt. April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormalMay 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm

12/2014- Surprise natural BFP EDD 7/31/15 Plan: Starting foster to adoption, natural cycles

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

March 2014 - RE appt.
April 2014- Saline sono all's good, terrible SA results - 8 sperm found all abnormal
May 2014- Fert Urology- Bilateral varicoceles, recommend Donor Sperm