My Friend Needs Support (late term loss mentoned)

SidraJedi · April 2014

I was tempted to post this on the loss board but I am shy and though I know to post a siggy warning I am nervous of making some other faux pas so I will consult my trusty (awesome) BMB...

One of my very good friends has just had a loss at 27 weeks. I forget the name of the cause but it has something to do with malnutrition/obesity and involved bleeding very badly and a detaching placenta. The doctor at the hospital made the call that an emergency C/S might kill my friend. They made a split decision to induce vaginal birth and her daughter was stillborn. She has a son who will turn 6 this Summer. Obviously she is devastated but due to the speed of the emergency and events as they happened she is also in strong shock. (I know shock can occur with any m/c and this was a very whirlwind situation)

My friend is very open and social and she wants to talk about it. She needs to talk about it. I am meeting with her on Sunday to listen to her and to help her in any way I can. I am so scared that I won't be any help at all. I'm so scared that I will talk when she needs me to listen and become tongue tied and put my foot in my mouth when she needs words of comfort. I really want to help her. I know time is the best therapy for losing a loved one, but I know I could help or hurt too and I am so socially awkward that I am terrified that I will not end up helping and that I will end up making her feel worse.

Please offer advice as to what kind of attitude I can assume that might help my friend so that I can focus on that and not on how scared I am of saying something wrong. I know I'm being silly but I'll be the first to admit that I've got some hang-ups/issues and this is just one of them. Its really important to me that I be there for my friend and the more important it is to me the more scared I get of messing it up.

Thoughts and Prayers for her and her family at this time are also greatly appreciated.

Thanks, gals!

tamarar5 · April 2014

It doesn't matter what you say. Be there. Let her talk. Let her yell or scream or be angry. Just listen. She might even be vicious or hurtful in her words. If she says something spiteful, don't take it personally. She is grieving. Like you said she is stunned and in shock. You may very well be her verbal punching bag and it is hard.

As someone who had had several losses, though none this late, don't tell her anything trite, like this was God's will. Whether it's His will or not, no mother wants to hear that, they just want their baby in their arms. The best gift anyone ever have me after a loss was permission to cry and to be angry. Even more, to simply talk about my baby and not feel like I was making them uncomfortable.

sjames2 · April 2014

I had an ectopic. Of course it was an early loss, but still a heartache. Telling my story helps me every time I tell it. I do get the feeling that some people are a bit uncomfortable when I tell it but I always follow up with explaining that talking about it helps me grieve.
Let your friend talk about it over and over and over again. Let her go over every detail many times, it may get old hearing it but, it could be her way of grieving. Let her cry on your shoulder, and sadly the only thing to really say is "I'm Sorry".
I'm sure she is going to be in shock for awhile. My emotional pain didn't really hit me till a few months later. I did have times of crying over it but it didn't last long. It wasn't till a few months later when I had a major breakdown over it all. Keep in touch and ask weekly how she's doing. Take her to get pedicures or to have a glass of wine. I know if I would have had friends doing this it would have been easier for me.
Also, don't forget about the father and son. They need support also. Maybe every time you go see them you take a balloon for the son to release to heaven in the DD's name.

SidraJedi · April 2014

@luxanie I am very sorry for both of your losses. Thank you the advice and sharing your story. I can definitely say that I am not uncomfortable hearing about her feelings and I know to expect her to feel things throughout her life. I'm mostly just uncomfortable with my own social awkwardness and I know I might try to "fix" her feelings because I love her and hate to see her feeling bad and I know when someone does that to me it makes me feel worse. I really appreciate what you had to say!

@sjames2 I am so sorry or your loss. Thank you for sharing your story too and for your advice. You're right about simply saying I'm sorry. Her actual m/c happened two weeks ago. She called me from the ICU to tell me the news. I cried and I've been depressed and crying this whole time so I know that I'm grieving too. She told me that she wanted to see me when she got out of the hospital but I didn't want to pressure her so I waited before calling and asking if she wanted to make plans to talk. Between your advice and what @verovladamir‌ said I will keep checking on her every week or two.

holly321 · April 2014

I just wanted to say I think you are being a great friend by asking what is best to not say. I know after my loss, certain people's really insensitive comments still leave an impression on me.

My advice is to always remember. People tend to forget, which is understandable, but the acknowledgement means so much. And use the baby's name often.

Rosebean · April 2014

I think you are just being an amazing friend for wanting to be there for her, even if you are worried about the details of HOW. And even if you aren't 100% comfortable, the fact that you want to be there for her on her terms and are willing to step out of your comfort zone speaks volumes to me about how much you care for her. Sometimes people don't need words. They just want to be able to talk and get a hug. And in the end, if you tell her she can talk to you about it whenever she wants, no matter how many times you have heard it before, that's all she will need. Validation that it is okay to talk about it and not something to hide is the most important thing. And it seems to me like you already know what she needs to help her cope and heal. It will take time and a lot of patience. My best friend had an early loss, but was devastated all the same. And she was like your friend as she needed to talk about it and acknowledging her depression was what helped her get stronger in the end.

ally2011 · April 2014

SidraJedi said:

@luxanie I am very sorry for both of your losses. Thank you the advice and sharing your story. I can definitely say that I am not uncomfortable hearing about her feelings and I know to expect her to feel things throughout her life. I'm mostly just uncomfortable with my own social awkwardness and I know I might try to "fix" her feelings because I love her and hate to see her feeling bad and I know when someone does that to me it makes me feel worse. I really appreciate what you had to say! @sjames2 I am so sorry or your loss. Thank you for sharing your story too and for your advice. You're right about simply saying I'm sorry. Her actual m/c happened two weeks ago. She called me from the ICU to tell me the news. I cried and I've been depressed and crying this whole time so I know that I'm grieving too. She told me that she wanted to see me when she got out of the hospital but I didn't want to pressure her so I waited before calling and asking if she wanted to make plans to talk. Between your advice and what @verovladamir‌ said I will keep checking on her every week or two.

Just to clarify - 27 weeks is not a miscarriage. More later on advice.....very tired at the moment.

ally2011 · April 2014

I didn't mean that to sound short, was honestly just clarifying.

SidraJedi · April 2014

Thanks. I'm meeting her @ 3:30 today. @ally2011 I would love to hear what you have to say!

Thanks everyone for helping me and in turn helping my friend!

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