mixed feelings

mmsweeney1 · April 2014

We found out we're having a baby girl at our anatomy scan today. After losing our son at 39 weeks last summer, I kept telling myself this new pregnancy would not be his replacement. But when I found out we were having a girl, I started crying! I was hoping for another son that I actually got to bring home this time. I guess it just "cements" things in my head that even when we have this baby we will never get our son back. That no matter what, someone will be missing from our family. (And what if he was my only chance to have a boy?)

Plus, of course I feel horribly guilty for these feelings when everyone around me is so excited for us. I am so happy to be having a baby (and she is kicking me and making me tear up as I write this!) and I'm sure I will feel better when I process this for a little while... I guess I just felt overwhelmed by my feelings today and I figured my best bet for someone to understand would be to post it here. Thanks for listening!

MommaAshley12 · April 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. It's okay to have these emotions and for you to miss your son, while at the same time being happy about a daughter. Big (((hugs)))!!

haleyusf · April 2014

((hugs))

Bayberry12 · April 2014

I had the exact same reaction after losing my daughter at 39 weeks and now being 33 weeks pregnant with a boy. When I found out it was a boy, I had a major set back and basically couldn't even process it. It's really hard, it honestly felt like I lost my chance at having a daughter all over again. And also thought she might have been my only girl.
It's gotten somewhat easier, but it still makes me so sad that I don't get the opportunity to have a girl like I was supposed to.

You are very right, it's not about replacing the child you lost, but fully realizing that your family will never be complete and that there will always be someone missing.

Hugs

LifeofCat · April 2014

Your feelings are completely valid; you still have much grief to process, in addition to this new life coming soon. As you work through your journey, I am certain that this will not take away from the love you have and will express for this little lady. Your son will always be with you xox

Serenla · April 2014

((Hugs))

voplo · April 2014

I think it is a kind of closure, you lost a boy and having a boy would help to heal the wound (that doesn't mean that you are "replacing him"). It is totally normal to be sad... don't beat yourself for that. Just take your time

Hugs

mtaylor404 · April 2014

((hugs))

PatientlyWaiting10 · April 2014

(((hugs)))

mmsweeney1 · April 2014

Thank you all for sharing your feelings with me. I especially appreciate it because my husband doesn't seem to get it either. When I explained why I was feeling sad he just kept reminding me that I was the one who wanted to be pregnant again so soon and that I had said I was emotionally ready. (Can you ever be ready?) But it really helped me to know that so many of you felt the same way.

voplo · April 2014

Men seems to never understand, my husband with the first loss said that I was only 8 weeks and if it didn't work it was probably for the best... and he wasn't still "a baby"....Yeah great things to say to someone in this situation. I think (most of them) don't get the "parenting bug" until the baby is out. He just probably doesn't have the capability of understand what is going through your head. Not his fault though. Big hugs.

SandSunBliss · April 2014

((Hugs)) I went through disappointment at finding out we had one baby this time instead of twins like before. And I felt awful for being disappointed at first, but it was just an adjustment that I needed time I process. I hope the same is true for you

in sure when you me that see girl, you will fall in love immediately.

Bayberry12 · April 2014

mmsweeney1 said:

Thank you all for sharing your feelings with me. I especially appreciate it because my husband doesn't seem to get it either. When I explained why I was feeling sad he just kept reminding me that I was the one who wanted to be pregnant again so soon and that I had said I was emotionally ready. (Can you ever be ready?) But it really helped me to know that so many of you felt the same way.

I don't think you can ever really be ready, but you just move forward. Men and women grieve so differently. My husband couldn't (and still can't) understand why I am not soooo happy to be pregnant again, after going through such a traumatic loss there is just fear where there should be joy. He couldn't understand why I was sad that this baby is a boy, he just kept telling me we can have more children. That's not really helpful. I just needed him to hear how I was feeling and acknowledge it.

You aren't alone.

Pmmama · April 2014

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Totally valid upset and your rationale makes perfect sense to me. Hugs and congrats on your baby girl'

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