Unable to perform?

WillCMyInk · April 2014

So, we finally had our first cycle where I had a follie big enough to trigger. Based on CM an some dull pains I'd say I definitely am about to ovulate or just recently have (right in line with the timeline the RE gave me). My problem is, H was unable to perform this morning. The RE gave us specific times to have sex and while Tuesday night happened without a hitch, this morning was a complete and total fucking disaster.

(Note that will make this all make more sense: my insurance covers all visits and medications associated with TI, but does absolutely nothing with IUI or IVF...that is why I didn't do an IUI this cycle...if anyone was wondering.)

To make matters more complicated, H an I don't usually have a lot of sex (once every few weeks) so it's not like I could NOT tell him. He'd be good for one go, but if I tried for a second without saying anything, he'd know anyway.

So how do you do it? Not listen to the RE an just have sex once, strategically placed? I mean, it really takes the fun out of it for me too, so I'm sure he can tell in my body language that I'm not really into it, it's just what I know needs to happen. Tell me all the secrets.

And on to a short pity party...IF really sucks the life out of any fun there could have been with TTC

Alicia_R1 · April 2014

For us, I found it worked best to make sure we had plenty of sex outside of the designated times, even if I might not be totally in the mood, at least that way he doesn't feel like sex is a chore to be done to just get pregnant. For me it helps to listen to some of my favorite music, put on something sexy (on the days I work from home) and send him some pictures on his phone, yes i know great use of my work from home time But it helps spark the mood.

A few times I had to drag him away from his computer during work (we were both working from home) to have sex to make sure we had the timing right, totally not romantic, thankfully he realized that I can't do this all myself. Thankfully he likes to know what is going, timing etc, sometimes it helps just to give them the details, makes him feel more involved.

For the longest time we didn't have insurance that covered IUI's or IVF so we had to go with ovulation induction and TI.

But since you aren't doing IUI and if you have fertile CM, last night might be enough since the sperm can live much longer than sperm that has been washed for IUI's. But is there a way you can try again later today?

IF does take a lot of the fun out sex, the best way to put the fun back in it, is to do it when you are totally outside of your FW and just to enjoy each other. We took a few month break when we were waiting for our new insurance to kick in and that helped us because we knew most of my cycles were going to be anovulatory so we could just have fun and enjoy each other when the mood struck.

I will say anymore that I want to throat punch anyone who tells me that "oh trying to have a baby is the fun part"

((hugs)) sorry you are having to go through this

ronniesgirl1981 · April 2014

It's hard, but try not to let him know how important it is. My thing has always been, "we'll try again later...it's no big deal." Good luck tonight!

WillCMyInk · April 2014

See, my DH said doing it in the morning really threw him off because it's not our "normal" time.

I had already planned on trying again tonight, but he was feeling really bad about this morning...hopefully he'll be over it by then!

Edit: And my sister just moved in so no spur of the moment couch BJ or sex...damnit...

BunnyBerry · April 2014

So sorry, that is so frustrating, and of course the more frustrated we both get the harder (or not...) it is!

I had a few similar disappointments (especially way back when I thought we had to do it every day and I thought if we missed one it was all over...) and I had to learn to take a long-term approach, since DH doesn't get over anything negative very quickly, and just downplay any difficulties we had.

Hopefully you and DH will be back in the "mood" or at least in enough of a mood to get back on the schedule!! That said, the recommended TI schedules are based on so much conjecture, so I really hope that with fertile CM you two have already done what you need to make this your month.

Sami14vb · April 2014

I found that if I pressured my DH at all, he wasn't able to perform. He likes to get busy after we've been sleeping in bed for awhile, so I have to wait for him toke the move. Like the other women have said, having sex more on a regular basis and spicing it up throughout the whole month gets you ready for TI. Explore and find out what turns your man on...sex toys, music, whatever. Once we started having sex for fun throughout the month without thinking about TTC, we had a much easier time performing around ovulation.

theholmanherd · April 2014

Yeah my husband and I have a healthy sex life (2-3x a week) but he also doesn't want to perform if it's clinical. He feels like I'm not into it and he doesn't think it's fun. But since I rarely give him a bj, I find he is much more complicit if I start there lol. I just have to be the aggressor and make it fun and sexy for him. It means more planning and less fun for me, but it gets the job done.

WillCMyInk · April 2014

Yeah, I want our sex life to improve but it's been in the dumps for years. He says something about the stress of everyday life just getting to him. I got tired of being turned down so I just stopped trying. I'll see what I can do over the next few months.

Unfortunately, now we're dealing with the stress of another PCS move so that won't help things over the coming months. Fortunately I spend $17 for a 300iu vial of Follistim so the cost doesn't really kill me if things don't work out but he's already begging for IUI since he just "doesn't schedule things like sex".

Alicia_R1 · April 2014

I am sorry I know how it feels being turned down. My cure all for that is waking him up in the middle of the night for sex, that he never turns down thankfully. Does he have a favorite drink you can loosen him up with?

though I have to wonder does your DH know that he's going to be scheduling sex with himself into a cup for IUI and then I know for us the recommend the day of trigger, day of IUI, and the next morning. TI is soooo much better than IUI.

is there a way you can just keep him in the dark about when you NEED to have sex so he just thinks it random and for the heck of it?

theholmanherd · April 2014

WillCMyInk said:
Yeah, I want our sex life to improve but it's been in the dumps for years. He says something about the stress of everyday life just getting to him. I got tired of being turned down so I just stopped trying. I'll see what I can do over the next few months.

Unfortunately, now we're dealing with the stress of another PCS move so that won't help things over the coming months. Fortunately I spend $17 for a 300iu vial of Follistim so the cost doesn't really kill me if things don't work out but he's already begging for IUI since he just "doesn't schedule things like sex".

I'm sorry if this is flammable, but I would take issue with 'he doesn't schedule things like sex'. Um, okay, well I didn't schedule things like infertility either. You guys not having much of a sex life and him refusing to DTD when it's needed most makes me think you guys need to regain your sex life through increased overall intimacy. Maybe I'm projecting here, but when my H says insensitive shit like that, I get upset and, believe me, he's got his head up his ass sometimes. So maybe I'm being too sensitive but that would really piss me off.

WillCMyInk · April 2014

First off, I just want to say thank you to all you wonderful ladies for such encouraging words on a pretty odd topic

I'm definitely going to make it a point to throw it in there randomly throughout the month so he's not totally in the loop when its actually go time. Who knows, I'm not totally out this cycle, but I'm not very hopeful.

WillCMyInk · April 2014

theholmanherd said:

Yeah, I want our sex life to improve but it's been in the dumps for years. He says something about the stress of everyday life just getting to him. I got tired of being turned down so I just stopped trying. I'll see what I can do over the next few months. Unfortunately, now we're dealing with the stress of another PCS move so that won't help things over the coming months. Fortunately I spend $17 for a 300iu vial of Follistim so the cost doesn't really kill me if things don't work out but he's already begging for IUI since he just "doesn't schedule things like sex".
I'm sorry if this is flammable, but I would take issue with 'he doesn't schedule things like sex'. Um, okay, well I didn't schedule things like infertility either. You guys not having much of a sex life and him refusing to DTD when it's needed most makes me think you guys need to regain your sex life through increased overall intimacy. Maybe I'm projecting here, but when my H says insensitive shit like that, I get upset and, believe me, he's got his head up his ass sometimes. So maybe I'm being too sensitive but that would really piss me off.

Maybe flammable, but I agree. He said that and I definitely burst into tears. Again, maybe I'm being overly sensitive given everything going on right now, but you're right...I didn't ask for this shit either.

We could definitely use to regain some overall intimacy, I won't deny that.

runawaylaurel · April 2014

I feel you. This was us LAST NIGHT. We were able to make up for it this morning, but... I've been there. Last month too. I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband couldn't handle the pressure and then I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears right after, which didn't help things even though I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at the situation as a whole.

I don't have any hints but will be stealing some from the other ladies on here.

TTCBabyJ · April 2014

Yes I second the BJ motion...it has been really hard for DH to perform on command. But he will never I mean never turned down a BJ!

Mommalawyer · April 2014

I'm on the crazy hormonal train this week, so I'd rather kick DH in the ding ding than have it in me..... That aside, we've had the same issues. I've said to him before, "I don't give a shit if you feel like it or not. Do something to make yourself feel like it." I don't need a damn make-out sesh each time, get the job done. Then I'll be more inclined to make out or whatever. It always seems like a double standard, when they are ready to go, they want us to go.... Yet when we are "ready" to go, it's some kind of song & dance. One time, I had taken an OPK at work, months ago, it came positive. I drove my ass over and hour to his work from mine to handle business. It wasn't a complete disaster, but I had to "prime" him via text while in route.... I love DH, but sometimes he drives me bonkers with stuff like what you ladies are talking about!!!

theholmanherd · April 2014

calindi said:

I never wanted to do a BJ during fertile window because saliva kills sperm :-(

Hand job? I've heard that, too, but really. It doesn't take long for him to get aroused after I start so what's a little bit going to hurt? You could always make him watch True Blood, Tudors (early episodes), certain episodes of Dexter, Spartacus, or Game of Thrones, or an actual porno and see what he does then? Usually sex scenes with lots of nudity are a good starting point for us, too. Gotta do what you gotta do! We've even tried role playing and other stuff like that. We try to keep things interesting, but honestly it's too much work sometimes. Sometimes, we just don't want or need all that foreplay and just have a quickie instead LOL.

Autumray · April 2014

I am dealing with DH performance issues as well! This is our first round of TTC with Med help. The big problem with him is he just wont finish! It takes him so damn long. He says "Well I dont want to be a min man" I am like I would rather you be! Who the hell are you trying to impress, I told him it is taking the fun out of sex. Its all just disappointing, either he isnt in the mood, cant stay up or cant finish. I am tired of wasting days. I finally told him. I am the one taking the meds, being poked and prodded, feeling like a psycho, and keeping track of everything and all he needs to do is climax. Its soooo frusterating. I just dont even want to do it anymore. 5 days of attempts and only 2 succesful rounds. I dont want to wasted money on TTC if he cant just DTD! (anger stage LOL)

theholmanherd · April 2014

Autumray said:

I am dealing with DH performance issues as well! This is our first round of TTC with Med help. The big problem with him is he just wont finish! It takes him so damn long. He says "Well I dont want to be a min man" I am like I would rather you be! Who the hell are you trying to impress, I told him it is taking the fun out of sex. Its all just disappointing, either he isnt in the mood, cant stay up or cant finish. I am tired of wasting days. I finally told him. I am the one taking the meds, being poked and prodded, feeling like a psycho, and keeping track of everything and all he needs to do is climax. Its soooo frusterating. I just dont even want to do it anymore. 5 days of attempts and only 2 succesful rounds. I dont want to wasted money on TTC if he cant just DTD! (anger stage LOL)

Omg so much of this sometimes. It makes me angry during sex and then I just get stabby and have to stop. I can only take so much of him before I'M tired. A girl's got limits! haha TMI

CandaceC1020 · April 2014

calindi said:

I never wanted to do a BJ during fertile window because saliva kills sperm :-(

Total TMI alert ... for my IUI my husband refused to give a sample at the RE office. He kept thinking about how how many guys have probably sat in the same room, touched the same computer and magazines and spunk remnants would be everywhere. He also told me how unappealing jerking off into a cup was. So we got a bit creative. I had read about how someone on here basically manipulated their husband into thinking he was having sex but was actually giving him a hand job. Tried that, wasn't working. So we went the BJ route, but I didn't go anywhere near the tip with my mouth - didn't want to contaminate the spunk. Ended up working out awesome. Hubby had a high volume sample with good numbers.

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