Bad situation at work - what should I have done?

mrt · April 2014

We had a professional development session at work today. When I walked in, they (I'm assuming the assistant principal who was running the session) had assigned us seats. They sat me at the same table as a woman who lost her baby at about 22 weeks and just returned to work last week. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so I sat where I was told to sit. As other coworkers were filing in, several people (who may not know about her loss) asked me when I was due, boy or girl, etc... The woman got up and left the room. In hindsight I guess I should have asked if I could switch seats at that point, but I didn't. When she returned, it looked like she had been crying, and the principal asked me to switch tables with someone else.

Now I'm concerned about the math department meeting next week where she and I will be two of only 8 teachers in a meeting together.

What should I do, what should I have done today?

bcnoelle · April 2014

I don't think you did anything wrong and unfortunately it's just a tough situation where others werent aware of the sensitive nature of the situation. How well do you know her? If it were me and I didn't know her well I might send her an email or note card expressing my condolences for her loss- before the meeting next week. I wouldn't feel offended if she doesn't want to discuss much with you as I'm sure she is grieving.

ErikaLynn75 · April 2014

Yikes that's tough. Do you know the woman well enough to go talk to her and apologize? If not I would maybe send her a short email and say you're sorry if you made her uncomfortable. Explain that you didn't want to draw unnecessary attention to it by a asking to switch seats in the beginning but now you see that maybe you should have done that. And ask if there's anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable at the next meeting.

Don't expect much back from her, but I think she might appreciate you reaching out.

ETA I also don't think you did anything wrong. So maybe apologize isn't the right word. But I think you should somehow acknowledge the fact that you understand your very presence is hard for her and that you feel bad about the whole situation.

mrt · April 2014

Thanks. We are not close, I don't see her often, she teaches in the high school and I teach in the middle school, but I might send her an email.

SMM1986 · April 2014

I don't think you did anything wrong and I'm not sure there's anything you could've done.
I sit a few desks away from a woman who gave birth to a full term stillborn 2 years ago. I just try to be mindful of her and don't come in gushing about baby and pregnancy stuff. But when people come over to my desk and ask questions, I just answer them as quietly as I can without being weird.
Maybe for the next meeting you could email the coordinator beforehand and request you're seated somewhere else?

cbrust · April 2014

I saw that Pregnant Chicken wrote a good article on stillbirth here. towards the end she talks about how to handle it when it's someone you know. she had this quote which may pertain to your situation:

“I would say the best way to approach someone, is to simply do just that. Approach me. Cards have been nice, Facebook, text message, a phone call (a little harder cause you actually have to talk back,) a simple hug and “I don't know what to say”. I cannot stand when people just ignore what happened. It happened, it totally sucks, but don't ignore me. Don't be "afraid" I don't have a disease and I won't bite. If you make me cry, well, I will. If you cry, well, you will. The hardest is when people just stare and don't say a thing.”

Xath · April 2014

I agree with sending her an email or note expressing what you did above; your condolences for her loss and your desire not to make her uncomfortable. With her loss so recent, really anything could be a trigger and she's going to have rough days. I know some loss moms have a really hard time being around pregnant women, but I wouldn't suggest avoiding the meeting.

I think you're being very thoughtful in your concern for her. You might also try cross-posting this on the Loss forum (just make sure to note that there's pregnancy mentioned in the title). The moms on there with more recent losses may be able to give you better insight into her frame of mind.

mileswithmyles · April 2014

That's a hard situation and not your fault. I think reaching out to her is a good idea, especially since you will share more meetings together in the next few weeks.

Can you talk to the other people you meet with and ask them to keep the baby questions to a minimum to be sensitive to her?

Junebug060609 · April 2014

Some of the other ladies had good suggestions.

At this point, there is no hiding our bellies, I would suggest, however, deflecting baby questions as much as possible. Basically answer succintly so as not to be rude and change the subject. Just thinking the baby talk seems to be what pushed her over the edge.

Junebug060609 · April 2014

*not saying you didnt try and change the subject. Just was a thought.

LittleAngel09 · April 2014

You didn't do anything wrong at all grief hits us at anytime, even when we think we've turned a corner. Asking to switch seats could've made her feel worse. I suffered a stillbirth 5 years ago and believe me those who tried to tiptoe around me and ignore it, made me feel really isolated and made my grief worse. Just a simple 'how are you keeping' would've been nice for me.
As sad as her situation is, people who are pregnant or have babies cannot avoid her, and I'll expect that she wouldn't want that either. She will continue to come face to face with reminders, but in time they do get easier to deal with. If she's only just returned to work, it'll still be fresh. The knowledge that everyone knows will be hard enough. Carry on as normal and if she needs to leave the room to grieve some more, allow her to without feeling guilty.
Sending hugs. X

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