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April 2014 Moms
Relish1025
member
Delilah Noel
4/25/14 12:41am
Can't tell if she's crazy or just hates me (LONG Vent)
Relish1025
member
*Back story* Ok, so this is kind of a doozy, but I'm at the point where I just need someone to talk to that has an outside opinion, and I feel like if I don't explain the entire situation, then it won't be as clear. So, when I got pregnant, I was shocked. SO and I had been together for a little over 6 months, and were taking precautions; we're both finishing school right now, and having a kiddo was the last thing on our minds. I've never known anyone who was pregnant before (around mostly guys growing up), and have always had a weird eating pattern and period cycle, so when food was kind of off putting, and I missed one period, I wasn't super worried, because I'd had it happen before. Well, obviously this wasn't like before. SO and I debated about what to do, and ultimately we (I) decided to continue with the pregnancy because I just didn't feel right doing anything else. It was scary as hell, but I already loved the little peanut in me. Now, here's where the vent part comes in. SO's mother (MIL just to make it easier) was extremely pro-baby, and definitely helped me in my decision; my own mother and I having a strained relationship at best, she filled the motherly void, which was awesome. But, as soon as I made my decision, she suddenly turned tides, and started questioning our ability as parents, saying that we threw our lives away, and ultimately making a pity case for her son which instilled a lot of anger and doubt in him, leading to multiple fights between him and I over the choice.
While finishing school, both SO and I were living with our respected parents, just to ease the financial burden a bit. He comes from a very well off family, so he was more or less staying out of convenience than out of necessity. Well, my parents fight a lot, and my dad drinks a lot. So, since I was staying over SO's house so often. and because I seemed to have such a great relationship with his parents, I just sort of, moved in. At this time, as I had prior to moving in, I helped out in every way I could: doing dishes, keeping the areas of the house I used tidy, waking up with and taking care of their then puppy from 6am onwards, and just generally trying to make my presence as little of an inconvenience as possible.
Flash forward to December, this is when the B.S starts. I had simply mentioned the notion of a baby shower out of excitement, because my friends and family had begun talking about who would be throwing me one. Evidently that offended MIL so extremely, that she felt the need to speak to SO about it extensively. She felt left out, and wanted to throw me a shower, saying that it was typically the Grandma-to-be who threw the shower anywho. Long story short, there were several mentions between her and I about the inevitability of her throwing me a shower; she has a very controlling personality, and got offended at the mere mention of someone else wanting to help host or organize, so no one offered to throw me a shower again. Well, things came and went, and the whole shower turned into me trying to use her, and being disrespectful, and just generally being an awful person to her. She has said none of this to me directly might I add, but rather insists on going through her son to tell me how upset she is over everything. To further prove that she over reacts to things, several months back, she chipped a tooth while eating, and I commented "Guess you'd better stop eating, or you're going to lose all of your teeth." She took this as a fat joke, and threw SO and I out for the night; when we returned the next day, we were greeted with "You're not welcome here", among other cheery things. That was ultimately cleared up, but she still holds a sense of victimization over the whole thing. To digress, it came to be that no one ended up having a baby shower for me, because MIL backed out at the last minute, and no one else wanted to step on her toes and throw me one.
*Modern Day* Two weeks ago, I was invited to my best friend's house for lunch, with SO in tow. Well, when I arrived, there was an extremely small surprise shower for me. It was comprised of my best friend, her mother, grandma, my sister, and some of her mother's friends I've known for a while. I received mostly diapers, and ate some empanadas. Overall, it was extremely nice of them to do, and I really appreciated it. When SO and I arrived home, we told his dad about it, and his simple response was "that's good". His dad told his mom, and that's when all hell broke loose. SO was called downstairs to speak to his parents: evidently, MIL thought it was incredibly rude and inconsiderate that we didn't call her as soon as we arrived at the surprise shower and invite her over. The shower was extremely casual, hosted by people she's never met before, and lasted about an hour. Honestly, I didn't see the point of inviting her because of how minimal it was. She's rather judgemental, and would've greeted such an affair with a very snooty, upperclass kind of attitude; in addition, I didn't think it would've been polite to invite more people to a gathering which I was not hosting. This whole thing led to SO and I kicked out for the time being. His mother berated him with texts all day about how inconsiderate I am, how I'm rude and a user, and just general information about how awful I am. It turned into him going back home so he could "talk to them" and try to sort things out. So, at 36 weeks pregnant, I was left at my sister's tiny apartment, crying and sleeping on a couch, with no clothes or even a toothbrush.
Evidently his mother started out by saying that she didn't want to see or hear from me for at least 2 weeks, and that she thought it'd be better if I didn't stay with them anymore. It was also said that "blood is thicker than water", and I will never be apart of their family, and that they don't really care about LO, or that I could have LO any day now. After several hours of discussion, his dad was the first to say "Well maybe we overreacted". MIL was still kind of unhappy though. Either way, the next day after work, SO called and checked with his mom that it was alright if I returned that evening. She seemed surprised that it was even a question at that point; so I came back.
In the days that followed, MIL would continue to talk to SO about how much I hurt her feelings, and continue to speak very poorly of me. I tried to keep my distance a bit, because I was still rather upset and hurt by the overwhelming reaction I had received. When we were in contact, I'd try to do some light chit chat, or would say bye as SO and I were leaving. Each time I was ignored. I keep hearing from his parents via SO (because they seem to refuse to speak to me directly about anything) that I need to make amends with his mother, which I'm pretty ok with. The only problem is that every single time I've tried to speak to her about an issue she seems to have with me, she'll pretend like everything's ok, and then tell everyone else how she really feels (which is not so nice).
As of last night, I thought that her and I were getting along ok again. Her birthday was the previous day and she had left a piece of cake for SO and I because he had been at work all day, and I leave the house when he leaves. I said happy birthday to her, and last night was even having a light, positive conversation. But as we were turning in for bed, SO gets a lengthy text form his father calling me unappreciative, and a "passive aggressive hater". Along with this, he says that if I don't fix things between MIL and I by Friday when he returns (he works in Virginia during the week, flies back for weekends), then I'll have to "deal with him" on Saturday, and SO's and mine's "shit will be on the street".
I was up most of the night crying, and woke up very early this morning thinking about it. If she were a normal person, I would say exactly what my problems are with her. Everyone I've spoken to about this issue has told me to bullshit her, apologize, and make fake peace. But I'm not that kind of person; I think if you tarnish the legitimacy of your apology with lies, then your word is worth nothing. Unfortunately for me, she is easily offended, thinks that everything is a giant f-u to her, and that I'm just the lousiest thing since flat Pepsi.
In all honesty, I would like an ok relationship with her, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my integrity for it. What I want to say to her is: "You hurt my feelings by throwing me out for going to a surprise baby shower, and you hurt them even more by saying that I will never be apart of your family, and you don't care about your grandchild. I think it's ridiculous that you want an apology for offending you when you can't even speak to me yourself, you have to have your son, and attack-dog of a husband force me into talking to you. Further more, I was appreciate of how much you've helped us out in this situation, until you tried to use your "kindness" as leverage against me, and as a means to make me feel guilty. I think it's cruel and inhumane to kick a 38 week pregnant girl who's carrying your first grandchild out on the street with no where else to go, while taking back all of the baby things you bought for her because you wanted to buy them; you got no prompting from me to buy them. I think it's also awful to try to separate your son from his newborn daughter, because he has a debilitating condition right now that forces him to stay with you and play by your rules until he can get better, out of spite. I think you're mean and vindictive, and take out your frustrations with the world out on the only person you still can: me." But if I said any of that, I'd be out in a heartbeat, with the only place to go being my sister's tiny apartment where money's already tight and she she has an autistic 5 year old. So, now I'm left trying to figure out what to do, how to talk to her, and whether or not me upholding my principles is worth the possibility of being kicked out, and having to become a financial hardship on my sister. The only thing that I can think of, is that I'd rather be honest with someone and have them not be able to handle it, than to be kicked out on false pretenses anyways.
Well, that was my incredibly long vent that I just needed to get out there. I obviously have a bit of pent of aggression towards MIL, but I've tried to keep the peace between us for the sake of LO. If it were just me I had to worry about now, I would have left a long time ago; hell, I never would've moved in in the first place. I really thought this was going to be the best and safest place for us to be, and the only place where the three of us could be a family. Now I'm starting to think maybe I was wrong.
While finishing school, both SO and I were living with our respected parents, just to ease the financial burden a bit. He comes from a very well off family, so he was more or less staying out of convenience than out of necessity. Well, my parents fight a lot, and my dad drinks a lot. So, since I was staying over SO's house so often. and because I seemed to have such a great relationship with his parents, I just sort of, moved in. At this time, as I had prior to moving in, I helped out in every way I could: doing dishes, keeping the areas of the house I used tidy, waking up with and taking care of their then puppy from 6am onwards, and just generally trying to make my presence as little of an inconvenience as possible.
Flash forward to December, this is when the B.S starts. I had simply mentioned the notion of a baby shower out of excitement, because my friends and family had begun talking about who would be throwing me one. Evidently that offended MIL so extremely, that she felt the need to speak to SO about it extensively. She felt left out, and wanted to throw me a shower, saying that it was typically the Grandma-to-be who threw the shower anywho. Long story short, there were several mentions between her and I about the inevitability of her throwing me a shower; she has a very controlling personality, and got offended at the mere mention of someone else wanting to help host or organize, so no one offered to throw me a shower again. Well, things came and went, and the whole shower turned into me trying to use her, and being disrespectful, and just generally being an awful person to her. She has said none of this to me directly might I add, but rather insists on going through her son to tell me how upset she is over everything. To further prove that she over reacts to things, several months back, she chipped a tooth while eating, and I commented "Guess you'd better stop eating, or you're going to lose all of your teeth." She took this as a fat joke, and threw SO and I out for the night; when we returned the next day, we were greeted with "You're not welcome here", among other cheery things. That was ultimately cleared up, but she still holds a sense of victimization over the whole thing. To digress, it came to be that no one ended up having a baby shower for me, because MIL backed out at the last minute, and no one else wanted to step on her toes and throw me one.
*Modern Day* Two weeks ago, I was invited to my best friend's house for lunch, with SO in tow. Well, when I arrived, there was an extremely small surprise shower for me. It was comprised of my best friend, her mother, grandma, my sister, and some of her mother's friends I've known for a while. I received mostly diapers, and ate some empanadas. Overall, it was extremely nice of them to do, and I really appreciated it. When SO and I arrived home, we told his dad about it, and his simple response was "that's good". His dad told his mom, and that's when all hell broke loose. SO was called downstairs to speak to his parents: evidently, MIL thought it was incredibly rude and inconsiderate that we didn't call her as soon as we arrived at the surprise shower and invite her over. The shower was extremely casual, hosted by people she's never met before, and lasted about an hour. Honestly, I didn't see the point of inviting her because of how minimal it was. She's rather judgemental, and would've greeted such an affair with a very snooty, upperclass kind of attitude; in addition, I didn't think it would've been polite to invite more people to a gathering which I was not hosting. This whole thing led to SO and I kicked out for the time being. His mother berated him with texts all day about how inconsiderate I am, how I'm rude and a user, and just general information about how awful I am. It turned into him going back home so he could "talk to them" and try to sort things out. So, at 36 weeks pregnant, I was left at my sister's tiny apartment, crying and sleeping on a couch, with no clothes or even a toothbrush.
Evidently his mother started out by saying that she didn't want to see or hear from me for at least 2 weeks, and that she thought it'd be better if I didn't stay with them anymore. It was also said that "blood is thicker than water", and I will never be apart of their family, and that they don't really care about LO, or that I could have LO any day now. After several hours of discussion, his dad was the first to say "Well maybe we overreacted". MIL was still kind of unhappy though. Either way, the next day after work, SO called and checked with his mom that it was alright if I returned that evening. She seemed surprised that it was even a question at that point; so I came back.
In the days that followed, MIL would continue to talk to SO about how much I hurt her feelings, and continue to speak very poorly of me. I tried to keep my distance a bit, because I was still rather upset and hurt by the overwhelming reaction I had received. When we were in contact, I'd try to do some light chit chat, or would say bye as SO and I were leaving. Each time I was ignored. I keep hearing from his parents via SO (because they seem to refuse to speak to me directly about anything) that I need to make amends with his mother, which I'm pretty ok with. The only problem is that every single time I've tried to speak to her about an issue she seems to have with me, she'll pretend like everything's ok, and then tell everyone else how she really feels (which is not so nice).
As of last night, I thought that her and I were getting along ok again. Her birthday was the previous day and she had left a piece of cake for SO and I because he had been at work all day, and I leave the house when he leaves. I said happy birthday to her, and last night was even having a light, positive conversation. But as we were turning in for bed, SO gets a lengthy text form his father calling me unappreciative, and a "passive aggressive hater". Along with this, he says that if I don't fix things between MIL and I by Friday when he returns (he works in Virginia during the week, flies back for weekends), then I'll have to "deal with him" on Saturday, and SO's and mine's "shit will be on the street".
I was up most of the night crying, and woke up very early this morning thinking about it. If she were a normal person, I would say exactly what my problems are with her. Everyone I've spoken to about this issue has told me to bullshit her, apologize, and make fake peace. But I'm not that kind of person; I think if you tarnish the legitimacy of your apology with lies, then your word is worth nothing. Unfortunately for me, she is easily offended, thinks that everything is a giant f-u to her, and that I'm just the lousiest thing since flat Pepsi.
In all honesty, I would like an ok relationship with her, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my integrity for it. What I want to say to her is: "You hurt my feelings by throwing me out for going to a surprise baby shower, and you hurt them even more by saying that I will never be apart of your family, and you don't care about your grandchild. I think it's ridiculous that you want an apology for offending you when you can't even speak to me yourself, you have to have your son, and attack-dog of a husband force me into talking to you. Further more, I was appreciate of how much you've helped us out in this situation, until you tried to use your "kindness" as leverage against me, and as a means to make me feel guilty. I think it's cruel and inhumane to kick a 38 week pregnant girl who's carrying your first grandchild out on the street with no where else to go, while taking back all of the baby things you bought for her because you wanted to buy them; you got no prompting from me to buy them. I think it's also awful to try to separate your son from his newborn daughter, because he has a debilitating condition right now that forces him to stay with you and play by your rules until he can get better, out of spite. I think you're mean and vindictive, and take out your frustrations with the world out on the only person you still can: me." But if I said any of that, I'd be out in a heartbeat, with the only place to go being my sister's tiny apartment where money's already tight and she she has an autistic 5 year old. So, now I'm left trying to figure out what to do, how to talk to her, and whether or not me upholding my principles is worth the possibility of being kicked out, and having to become a financial hardship on my sister. The only thing that I can think of, is that I'd rather be honest with someone and have them not be able to handle it, than to be kicked out on false pretenses anyways.
Well, that was my incredibly long vent that I just needed to get out there. I obviously have a bit of pent of aggression towards MIL, but I've tried to keep the peace between us for the sake of LO. If it were just me I had to worry about now, I would have left a long time ago; hell, I never would've moved in in the first place. I really thought this was going to be the best and safest place for us to be, and the only place where the three of us could be a family. Now I'm starting to think maybe I was wrong.
4/25/14 12:41am
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can't tell if she's crazy or just hates me (LONG Vent)
4/25/14 12:41am
I'd tell her you want to talk, very nicely tell her how you feel (keep it very quick, no calling the husband a bulldog) and then just say that you have no problem with her and would like a good relationship. Tell her you don't want a reaction, just wanted to say what you needed to get off your chest and then leave for a couple days.
This way if you have the baby before next encounter she can choose to start over. Otherwise she wot feel like she has to respond right away (less defensive!) and can clear her head and think about what you say.
This way you don't betray your values and you don't create any negative feelings...good luck!
You need to move out.
Your sisters, a friends house, a shelter. You should be able to get government assistance.
Do not stay in such an unhealthy environment. If not for yourself for your child.
My other big worry is his folks keeping the baby stuff they bought us; as I said they're very well off, and insisted on buying pretty much all of the big ticket items. The car seat, dresser, crib set (his grandma bought us the crib), PnP w/ bassinet were all bought by them, and I do not put it past them to not let me bring them with me. Totally moot point now, but they didn't even bother looking at my registry, and MIL actually said "What's the point in making one? You don't have anyone that's going to look at it." Because they bought the items, SO and I technically have no legal claim over them. It frustrates me even more because we were going to buy all of those things, but they insisted that they buy them.
4/25/14 12:41am
4/25/14 12:41am
The other ladies are right. That is a toxic environment to bring a child into and you need to get out ASAP. If your parents' house or your sister's are not options, have you looked into any single parent resources? I don't know how old you are, but my city has a centre for young moms (I think under 21) where they can stay while getting on their feet, social workers who can help them figure out assistance, etc. I know it probably does not sound like an ideal situation, but it would be better than staying where you are now. What happens if you want to BF and she wants you to FF so she can feed LO too, or something equally ridiculous? Will she throw you on the streets again with a newborn?
It sounds like your SO isn't doing a very good job of standing up for you either. I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot so close to your due date...being this pregnant is stressful enough on its own.
Another thought...could you tell your dr what your living situation is? At my appts I am asked if I feel safe at home, and my hospital checks to make sure every new mom has a stable situation to go home to. If you say no, they could hook you up with a social worker who can help you figure out an escape plan.
You're complaining (rightfully so) that you don't like the way you're treated at someone else's house. You have the ability to make that end by choosing to leave. If you're going to keep the baby, you assume the responsibility for safely housing and caring for him/her. This is a responsibility you and your boyfriend share, and it's a lifelong deal, no matter who you can or can't count on for support along the way.
By the end I was skimming, so I may have missed the answer: what "debilitating condition" does he have that precludes him from living on his own?
ETA: this is why I'm confused. Earlier you said [i] "He comes from a very well off family, so he was more or less staying out of convenience than out of necessity. "[/i] but according to your timeline, you've only been together a little more than a year, right? This condition must be fairly new, eh?
I'm sure you probably don't want to go dragging the law into this mess but it's worth noting if things do get that bad.
With this going on, SO had to decrease his hours at work, leading to much smaller paychecks, and a greater financial strain on both of us. Luckily, his hours are up again, so hopefully the financial part will be getting better soon .
4/25/14 12:41am
Second, I can understand wanting to be with your SO and wanting him to be involved with yall's baby just as much as you are. His mom sounds very unreasonable, and it seems like it's come down to an ultimatum kind of situation. If I was you, I'd have a talk with SO about what your potential options are, what exactly needs to happen and what needs to be said. Then I would have all 4 of y'all sit down together that way nothing can be taken out of context and be misconstrued later, and hopefully your SO (and maybe the dad?) can act as a mediator if things get heated. But try to keep it as peaceful as possible. Make more "I feel" statements rather than "You make me feel" statements; no finger-pointing. Basically let her know that you want a peaceful, loving environment to bring your baby into, but that things needs to change if you're going to stick around. Let them know you want them involved in your baby's life, but that you won't tolerate the behavior that you've had to deal with in the past. Be firm but not aggressive.
And as for feeling like you'll sever all ties of a future relationship, let them know if you decide to move out, it's because you feel it's best for everyone involved, including them. I know for me personally when I'm not living with my own mother or am around my sister for only short periods of time that my relationships are much better with them. That's just how the dynamics work with some people in our lives, and there's nothing wrong with that.
As far as your SO needing to be on ther insurance, I'm pretty sure he can be on it without having to live with them (unless it's different in your state). Surely they wouldn't threaten to kick him off of it if he truly needs it. If they would, then maybe it really is best for you not to live with people like that.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I really want to thank you guys for being so understanding about this- I know it's a complicated situation, but I appreciate you taking the time to read through all that mess and give me some really great advice. I think I've known what I should do for awhile now, I just needed some reassurance that it was the best option.
4/25/14 12:41am
Good luck, hon. You sound pretty well grounded and that's going to carry you far in life. Expect excellence and loyalty from your boyfriend... he's a dad now and that's how dads need to act.
4/25/14 12:41am
Sorry that was long, but I just wanted to say I can relate and I know it's hard. You will get through it, but you need to walk away before things get worse. Your LO doesn't need this and neither do you. Your SO needs to do what's right and stand up for his new family because you and her should be #1. Talk to a doctor, family, friends, whoever can help and just do it. It will all work out.
I know you are very young, but you also appear very smart and articulate. I know your SO is in a tough position, especially with this medical condition, but be shrewd and strong enough to recognize if and when he is using that as an excuse not to stand up to his parents. I don't care about blood vs. water: YOU and LO are his family now and he needs to put your safety and stability first.
Side note: While I would never worry about the baby gear over getting out of this living situation immediately, @ASasquatch is likely correct in that the stuff they gifted you is rightfully yours. Again, DO NOT sit there and argue with them over it, but if you can safely move it to your sister's, go ahead and do it.
With a baby on the way, I would be worried MIL would have one of her freak outs and you would end up kicked out in the middle of the night with your LO and nowhere to go. IMO you need to get out of there now, before you have this baby.
You don't want to be in a situation where she is watching your LO for you, or getting angry because you are not letting her spend enough time with the baby, or whatever. She seems ready to hold whatever she can over your head and using it against you.
I am really sorry you are in this situation, because you truly seem like you have tried to do the right things and nothing you have done has warranted her behavior. But you need to just get as far away from her as possible.
There are a lot of groups and resources around, especially in a college town. At my university, there is actually a non-profit that provides housing for single mothers that are committed to getting their degrees... They provide apartments, help with any needs the moms might have, offer tutoring and childcare while the moms are in class, and help in every way to get them on their feet. It's AMAZING the things they do, because they truly want them to succeed. My mother also works for a non-profit that helps many mothers, so please know that there are a lot of people and organizations out there that are willing to help you in situations like these. At the end of the day, it's simply not safe for you or your child to be around these people because they are emotionally abusive towards you.
I don't have anything else that others haven't said above, but good luck! Please reach out if you truly need any help!
Baby Girl Born: April 2014
If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you: