April 2014 Moms
nessabeers
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Help, my husband turns into hulk! Sorry so long...
nessabeers
member
Okay, I first want to say I love my husband very much. But wow, I know he works a long hard day but at night it is like a whole new person, a very unpleasant impatient and scary person.
For example he will be yelling at the twins (I feed one and he holds one/burp/feed) saying, "what the hell is wrong with you"!" "Dammit stop crying", " "what is your deal!" So I will say, "honey, she is just a baby maybe she needs a burp and then he is like I have been patting her back for 10 minutes (which I then say uh that was the other one) and he just gets mad and starts pounding her back with pats. He'll get so frustrated he puts her in the bassinet and tells her to cry it out he doesn't care...
When I tell him that they are just babies and to be patient he says he doesn't have any.
So then come morning he is so sweet and gives us kisses and tells me he loves us all and to call if I need anything.. And then put this on repeat every single night and morning.
Well since I am up feeding for what seems like half the night if they get off schedule, I am losing my patience with HIM and don't know what to do because every time I try and explain it to him or talk to him about it, he says he doesn't remember... Maybe if this was one child I could do the nights alone but with twins I just can't, it's too hard and my babies both need love and attention.
Anybody been through this or have suggestions? I am constantly telling him that I need his help but I can sit there and yell his name while 1 or 2 babies are screaming and he sleeps through it.
I know he feels a financial burden and has his business to run but it's just hard because I am already tired as it is and that is with someone coming to help me from noon to 5pm, hubby comes home around 8-9pm.
For example he will be yelling at the twins (I feed one and he holds one/burp/feed) saying, "what the hell is wrong with you"!" "Dammit stop crying", " "what is your deal!" So I will say, "honey, she is just a baby maybe she needs a burp and then he is like I have been patting her back for 10 minutes (which I then say uh that was the other one) and he just gets mad and starts pounding her back with pats. He'll get so frustrated he puts her in the bassinet and tells her to cry it out he doesn't care...
When I tell him that they are just babies and to be patient he says he doesn't have any.
So then come morning he is so sweet and gives us kisses and tells me he loves us all and to call if I need anything.. And then put this on repeat every single night and morning.
Well since I am up feeding for what seems like half the night if they get off schedule, I am losing my patience with HIM and don't know what to do because every time I try and explain it to him or talk to him about it, he says he doesn't remember... Maybe if this was one child I could do the nights alone but with twins I just can't, it's too hard and my babies both need love and attention.
Anybody been through this or have suggestions? I am constantly telling him that I need his help but I can sit there and yell his name while 1 or 2 babies are screaming and he sleeps through it.
I know he feels a financial burden and has his business to run but it's just hard because I am already tired as it is and that is with someone coming to help me from noon to 5pm, hubby comes home around 8-9pm.
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Re: Help, my husband turns into hulk! Sorry so long...
BFP: 7/5/10 EDD: 3/13/11 Miscarriage 8/1/10 at 8 weeks
BFP: 10/30/10 EDD: 7/7/11 Born 7/11//11 7lb12oz, 20 in.
BFP: 7/30/13 EDD: 4/9/14 Born right on time on his due date! 8lb10oz, 21.5 in.
Awesome prophetic fortune cookie: Love is a present that can be given every single day you live
BFP#2 3/16/11, beta 138; 4/12 Baby/HB DS born 9/10/11 at 29w4d due to partial abruption and PTL
BFP#3 8/19/13 Another boy! 17P, modified bedrest and Nifedipine helped us have a termie! DS2 born 4/19/14 at 38w5d.
Try to get someone to come stay with you to help with the night feedings in the short term. Then you need to sit down with YH and talk to him, not in the middle of the night when he is at his limit, but during the day when the more rational side takes over. This has the potential to be an unsafe situation for your LOs so I would act as soon as you can.
I totally agree with PP's, you HAVE to reach out for help. I have no doubt DH is a great guy but his behavior when he is angry/stressed is absolutely unacceptable. I realize this may not feel like an opportune time to seek counciling but if you don't fix it now it will get worse and you will continue to feel scared, isolated, and eventually resentful. Assuming no one gets hurt. You can't keep hoping it doesn't get worse. You have to make time to turn it around, now.
Can you talk to his mom? She may have seen him at his max stress level in the past and have some insights... if you're going to have someone around in the evenings he may be more comfortable with his family than yours at first, and they may be able to talk to him in a way yours wouldn't be able to. Also, if you vent to his mom she will forgive him, vent to yours and don't count on it. We mommas are protective
you certainly shouldn't have to "just deal with it" I know first hand how easy it is to make excuses for the one you love, but I've also seen it destroy my marriage because it doesn't fix anything and sooner or later you will run out of space to internalize it all. Work is work, he committed to starting a family with you and when you start a family, it should take first priority, ALWAYS. Being strong for you and your kids, doesn't mean "just dealing with it" it means getting him the help he needs to be the Daddy and husband you all deserve however you can. Good luck! You CAN do it and you deserve a loving, supportive partner on this crazy parenthood roller coaster!!! I'm very open about our experience and I'd be more than happy to talk with you if you ever need a boost.
I had my husband's SIL help me for the 1st 3 weeks during nights so we have only had one week without help, she lives out of state and was sweet enough to come help me. His parents are out of state as well serving a religious mission. This is the only time I've actually missed my MIL.. My parents both work full time and all of our siblings have family.
My grandma passed away a week ago and if she left me any inheritance money it will definitely go towards a night nanny. My nanny during the day always tells me she can stay longer or stay a night but she's a senior in high school and I know her parents wouldn't be thrilled with that idea, but maybe come June, we can experiment with that.
I talked to him this morning and he helped me with the girls & apologized but when I said maybe we should go talk to someone about it he thought I was crazy and asked when we would even have the time.
There is one woman I feel like I could ask for help and if she talked to Marc he would really listen, I am calling her today. Maybe I'll ask some local twin moms if they know of any experienced night nannies.
Counseling would obviously be the best solution. I hope you'll ask this family friend to speak with him again about the possibility of going. I know it is inconvenient with 2 newborns, but it might be the single most important thing at this point. If he refuses to go and he is incapable of seeing the dangerous pattern of his behavior, you might have to find somewhere else to stay for a while. I know that seems drastic, but it will keep you & your babies safe and impose on him the direness of the situation.
It is good to talk about it openly and when he gets to that point, he has to know that he needs to step away. Remind him that you understand how hard this time is, and know that it will get easier as they get older. In the meantime, Definitely see if you can call in reinforcements.
Age: 35 TTC since 2005, MFI & DOR
IVF #1 Sep '11 - canceled poor response
IVF #2 Nov '11 8R/8M/4F 3dt x2 - chemical
IVF #3 April '12 11R/6M/4F 3dt x2 - m/c
FET #1 Aug 2012 3dt x2 - BFN
**new RE**
IVF #4 Jan '13 BFN 11R/6M/6F 5dt x2 - BFN
IVF #5 July '13 16R/10M/10F 5dt x2 + 1 frostie
9dp5dt Beta 1 = 344!! 16dp5dt. Beta 2 = 4822 7wk u/s= 2 heartbeats!
Twin girls! 3/6/14
Things have been much better. The mama bear in me really came out and he started to feel bad that I wouldn't let him help. I then shared with him some other people's personal experience with it and how it wasn't him that i didn't trust but the other sleep deprived, angry side of him that i don't trust. I had to really tell him that this can happen to anyone but only you have control. We are religious so I told him to pray for strength to overcome it. I also found some notes he wrote a couple years ago in his journal about Anger- which sounds odd but was an answer to my prayers. I left the journal out for him on the bed and that really hit home for him, I know that a few years ago he didn't need that advice but he needed it now. It talked about how nothing positive ever came from getting angry, and that almost always people regret the consequences of getting angry, especially if they can't escape the negative feelings they are having. Also talked about how the only person who can actually make you angry, is yourself. He loves his little girls so much, so I know he came to a big realization where his anger is coming from after reading this.
So we came up with a schedule & twice a week, Sunday and Wednesday night I will have a friend help me and he will get 2 full nights of sleep for the work week. We did this on Thursday night and he's been in such a better mood since. I also have him sit up and stand up when he's helping so it wakes him up faster.
Of course we are still learning and I'm trying my best to help him and take care of the twins. It helps me that in the night they are starting to sleep 4 hours, love my sweet babies.
I'm glad you were able to get through to your husband
I hope things continue to improve for you guys. Good luck!