Parenting while TTCAL (long)

anitaflora · April 2014

I just had a really hard time today and was hoping I could get some feedback about your experiences with this.

Can some of you share your thoughts and experiences or words of wisdom/support about how you're able to simultaneously try to be a good parent while at the same time dealing with and processing the anger, grief, and other emotions that go along with a recent loss?

I am feeling so conflicted and guilty on top of all the emotions that go along with just the loss aspect. Feeling like I'm trying to be the best mom I can be but doubting that I am. Feeling guilty for not being emotionally available today to anyone - my husband or my child.

I feel like I am hypersensitive to this and that if I ever felt that our TTC was interfering in a big picture way with our parenting our son then we would stop trying. So I check in with my husband about this on a pretty frequent basis. And it seems to be okay.

But I miss time with him today when I need time and space to just cry a little. I'm not physically able to play with him like I want to and feel I should because I am in pain physically. It puts a burden on my husband and then I feel guilty for that. And then I feel guilty for criticizing him for not making the parenting choices I would (as in "why are you giving him a grilled cheese for dinner?!? It's cheese and bread. Can we get a healthy protein in there?"). And then I get pissy because I guess I should do it myself.

I miss out on time with him because of doctors appointments.

And of course I also have a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I do everything as "right" as I can in being a parent because this is so likely to be my only chance. Anyone else feel that way??

Or that you're way over protective and worried also??

And then I feel bad because in the big picture does a grilled cheese sandwich matter that much?!? Tonight?!?

Maybe it does and is a worthy argument (see above desire for being as close to perfect mom as possible).

Or maybe I'm being ridiculous.

Someone willing to share that I'm not alone in how hard this is?

Mom2anAngel2 · April 2014

((HUGE HUGS)) You are totally not alone! With our last loss I was so disconnected from everything. I did have to try and hold it together somewhat because I unfortunately miscarried on Christmas Eve. This was DS's first Christmas and of course his birthday was 10 days later. I think that is the only thing that pulled me through the first 2 weeks. As soon as his birthday was over, I completely fell apart. There were times when I was sobbing on the couch and DS would come over and hug and kiss me. This made me cry more because I hated that he was seeing me fall apart. That is when I decided that I needed to take time to fall apart away from him.

I left all of the parenting to DH for almost an entire week. DS is a momma's boy and he still wanted me to hold him, but I was so emotionally drained that I could not do much else. Even now, more than 3 months later, I have so much anxiety that I often have to leave the room for a breather.

I feel guilty all of the time about missing out on something that he is doing, or not being there when he wants me to be there. DH has been very supportive. He says that I need to take the time for myself because I can not be there for DS if I am not strong enough to handle anything he might dish out.

I have been trying to focus on exercise as a way to control my stress. And, let's be honest, there has been a lot of wine consumed over the past 3 months. I have a meditation app on my phone that I can listen to when my anxiety becomes overwhelming and I feel as though I can not breath. It definitely calms me down and helps me to refocus on whatever I need to be doing. I feel like all of the progress I have made in controlling my anxiety since our first loss has been completely lost at this point. Each day is new experience and I have no idea how I am going to feel.

((MORE HUGS)) You are not ridiculous! You are not alone! We are all here for you!

Junebug060609 · April 2014

When I was TTCAL after my son was here, I struggled with these same things. In hindsight, I retreated into myself too much which ultimately accentuated his ASD issues which were becoming apparent at the same time I was on TTCAL that go-round. I still hate myself for that, but what's done is done and all I can do is do better moving forward.

It's hard, especially when the loss is so fresh. If you need some time to just fall apart, take it. If you need to talk to someone professionally, do it (I did once autism talk from doctors started with D...I was hanging on a very thin thread between TTCAL for 6+ months and then finding out that there was something going on with the son that I had).

I understand where you're coming from feeling like you have to do everything perfectly bc you are worried he'll be your only. Know though that he doesn't need a perfect mommy. He just needs HIS mommy.

almostamissus · April 2014

Ugh! Such great big hugs! I'm sorry.
I'm mobile, so my response won't be as eloquent as the above, but I want you to know that I have felt the same way. Word. For. Word.

Especially after I was diagnosed w tubal issues, I fucking fell apart. (Please excuse the language

it was rough) I remember phoning people to come and spend time with dd because I just couldn't. I literally sat on my step and cried. And then yeah, went off the handle at dh for ridiculous stuff, which in hindsight was more a projection then anything else.
I still feel crazy guilty about how consuming this process is. I rationalize by reminding myself that she is most likely to remember that, overall, I am a good mom and I am there for her. I think this is what counts the most. And maybe someday we'll talk about it and she'll know I'm human too-not just her mom.
That got a bit rambley, but don't be too hard on yourself! The fact that worry about the effect on your kids means you are a GREAT mother. And that's what they'll remember.

ellebelle2384 · April 2014

Everyone has pretty much said everything already. Great big hugs and I'm so sorry for what you're going through! When I had my CP in February the weeks that followed were pretty much my lowest moments as a mom, so you are not alone. It was so hard to focus on DD and engage with her when all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and cry. All I can say is just try to be nice to yourself. If there's a little extra TV time or the same repeated foods right now, it won't matter in the end. As long as your DS is safe and being cared for the details aren't important. Please take care of yourself.

stefuge · April 2014

Big ((hugs)). I haven't experienced the ups and downs of TTCAL with DS as we aren't trying yet, but those first weeks after our loss were really hard and I can relate to what you are feeling. For the most part DH and my parents did most of the work (i was also recovering from a c section so I was on physical restrictions as well) and I sort of did my own thing. I knew I wasn't being the best mommy but I also felt like it was important to process what I was going through. I needed to selfishly take some time for me.

anitaflora · April 2014

Thank you so, so much ladies. I wish none of you had similar experiences and emotional challenges, but I am so grateful for your support.

Once I get a chance later today I will be able to write more in reply, but for now just really wanted to thank you for reaching back.

I love you all!

rmpar29 · April 2014

Oh Anita, I'm so sorry that you are going through this hard time. I know during my loss I was mostly alone with my boys and all I could do that week was cry. Although I tried not to, I ended up crying in front of them frequently and TBH, they got me through it. They would cuddle and wipe my tears and gave me something to hold on tight to.

Was I the best parent that week? No, but I did the best that I could. I'm sure they ate cereal a night or two and mac-n-cheese another night. I'm sure I didn't play with them much and was a bit "short" with them, but we got through it.

Give yourself the time that you need to grieve and know that your son and husband will be there to help you through when you are able to open up to them. Just do the best you can to get through the next couple days and weeks. Put one foot in front of the other and just do the best you can.

So many (((((HUGS))))) and feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk!

Missa_g · April 2014

Since my loss in December I have really struggled with trying to be a good mom and feeling like I'm doing a crappy job. But you know what? My boys are loved, happy, healthy, and fed (even if it's chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, or hot dogs). I do the best that I can and to my boys that is enough. I'm sure it is to your son too. I try to remind myself that I need to take care of myself too and sometimes that means stepping away for awhile, or letting them watch a lot of TV, or letting them eat junk food. I try to remember that it's not this moment or this day that truly matters in how loved they feel or in their development, it's the overall picture. Take time if that's what you need.

MoreThanSparrows08 · April 2014

First I want to offer as many ((hugs)) as you can stand.

Second, I want to let you know that what you're feeling is completely normal. It's hard to connect with your child(ren) on their level when you're dealing with something that's so much more complicated and more difficult. After my first loss, I spent about a week curled up watching movies and doing nothing - letting DH take care of everything. Part of me did feel guilty, and I found myself sometimes snapping at my boys because I just couldn't handle their arguments and problems right then because the loss was still so raw. Once I got to feeling a little better, I took to cuddling with my boys a lot. I held them tight and gave them all the love I could no longer give to my twins. This helped me tremendously.

I'm nearly 4 months out from our loss, and I still have days where I struggle to be available to my boys - both emotionally and physically. Just give it some time. There are going to be tough days - days where you just can't do it, and that's where DH comes in to help. If nothing else, love on your LO, hugs, kisses, snuggles after bedtime, whatever works for you. ((hugs))

kbhaynes · April 2014

The 2 weeks following my most recent loss I was a mess. I honestly just let DD sit in the floor and play, watch TV, do basically whatever she wanted while I just sat on the couch and sobbed. She would crawl over to me and see me upset and just say "Hi mommy" with her sweet little eyes that had a little worry in them. I really had to learn to control my emotions around her after the first couple of days and just fall apart when she napped. When she napped I laid in our bed and just cried and cried. It was awful. I've pulled myself out of that rut for the time being, but its all still so fresh, I haven't had AF yet since the loss. I was just so depressed. I still am, but I've got to get back to being "me". It's so hard, and I'm still working on it. I went through the same thing after my first loss, but I didn't have a child to care for. It's so hard. I don't know if this has helped you at all or not, but just know that you aren't alone. ((hugs))

4legsRbest · April 2014

I don't have any advice, just wanted to offer (((hugs))). You are n my T&Ps!

QuigleyCat1 · April 2014

You are NOT alone @anitaflora! I felt everything that you are feeling, and sometimes I STILL do. I'm still struggling with the decision to try once more or not. When I was pregnant with DS and while he was a newborn/infant and even to this very day, I never thought in a million years that it might not be possible to ever experience any of it again. Had I known, I would've taken more pictures, held him more, played more, stared at him longer, kissed him more etc. But guess what? I literally have probably thousands of pictures, I probably held him for most of his newborn/infant days, I played for hours on end and I look at him and kiss him every single possible chance I get! My point is I HAVE done all of these things, but as a mom, it's never enough. For instance, I'm sure I kissed his cheek at LEAST thirty times yesterday...as a mom I wonder, why didn't I kiss him thirty-one times? See where I'm going with this? From my son's perspective, he has everything he wants/needs. But from MY perspective, it will never be enough. So then when you throw in the possiblity of not experiencing it all again, it just stings all the more. And don't fret about the grilled cheese. Was he happy with the sandwich? Yes, you say? Then thumbs up to Daddy! Daddys have their own ways and they usually work just as well as our's. Even though WE know best! Please, please PM me if you ever want to chat or anything.

My friend...you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. (((anitaflora)))

anitaflora · April 2014

I am not really done this reply yet but I don't think I can write any more just now tonight. But I wanted to at least say a few things in response to all of your replies as well as start to respond to each of you in more detail.

To all of you I would say... Wow. I am just truly overwhelmed by your support to me. And while I am so sad that so many of you have faced these struggles, it is so comforting to know that everything I'm going through is something I'm not alone in.

I am also really struck by how much we have in common in terms of the emotional parts of how much guilt there is that plays into everything and touches almost every aspect of the experience. Again, I want to write a couple more thoughts but I am just spent for the night tonight. I will come back to this thread though and again, thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts, advice, and experiences.

@Mom2anAngel2‌ - thank you for mentioning about the exercise and meditation app. Those are great ideas for helping to reduce stress and anxiety. I am going to get back into my routine of trying to exercise daily again. And I have heard good things about at least one meditation app out there. I will check it out!

@Junebug060609‌ - it makes me so, so sad to hear about the struggles you have endured with your son and his diagnosis. I am glad you are putting your past feelings of guilt behind you. You are a wonderful mom and I thank you so, so much for your words of wisdom that I don't need to be perfect, but just be his mom. Thank you.

@almostamissus‌ - thank you so much for your encouraging words - I think that you're right, that what they will remember is so different from what we will remember. I think my son won't remember as many of the moments when I've been sad or stressed. Hopefully I am compensating for that with a greater number of happy memories.

@ellebelle2384‌ - we did actually watch a bug'a life all the way through at least once recently

I just lied there and he snuggles with me and it was really just what I think we both needed. Thank you for that idea - I try to minimize tv time but I needed it more recently!

@ncchnat‌ & @4legsRbest‌ - thank you so much for your supportive comments and hugs

@stefuge‌ - I'm so glad you had your family to lean on during that time. They are definitely a source of support for me as well, and I am lucky to have such great in laws. You're right, it is so important to take that me time, and I'm glad you were able to.

almostamissus · April 2014

Oh Anita! I wish I was there to give you a big real life hug! I can't speak for the other ladies, but you don't need to thank me for anything! That's why I'm here... Like you say, even though it's sad we are all here, there is such comfort in knowing that there are others who have been in my shoes and just get it. Please know that I am here for you in whatever way I can be. Send me a pm if you need some one to listen. And please, go easy on yourself, take good of you, hold your son tightly and let yh lighten the load a bit for you now. You're in my thoughts.

Adam2010 · April 2014

Oh hun, huge squishy hugs! I completely understand what you are going through. Please know it is ok to breathe and take time to yourself. I am so very sorry you are going through this ♥ sending much love your way

anitaflora · April 2014

I am sorry I'm so late continuing my reply on this!

@mamato3boys - thank you so much - I think that's one of the hardest things with TTCAL while also being a parent to a living child - thinking about what you might be missing with the living child(ren). I do try really hard to balance treasuring every moment with my son but also not ignoring the grief I feel over my losses. It is a very tricky balancing act! And yes, I need to let my husband do more at those times... and I need to get better about finding ways to help him know HOW to help me without also dictating to him every detail!

@dillngr9 - yes, you hit the nail on the head. It's a complete tearing apart of your heart in two! thank you for your reply and sharing your thoughts and support

@rmpar29 - thank you so much, my friend. And you're right, I have at times when I've been unable to hold back being sad (which sometimes comes out as cranky and irritable), I have had to tell my little guy that I'm just not feeling very well today. And he is so sweet and does the nicest things to try to make me feel better... and then I just feel so grateful and blessed.

@Missa_g - what a good reminder - I really needed to hear that - about it being the overall picture that hopefully will stay in their memory and that is what's important vs. single moments in time. Thank you!

@MoreThanSparrows08 - thank you for validating this experience - especially the part about being snappy - as above I mentioned, when dealing with this I tend to go back and forth between being really cranky and really sad.... and at least I know now what to expect from my own emotions about it... so it's a little easier to manage. But thank you for sharing this part because I tend to feel so guilty when that happens... I'm so sorry you've shared this experience but I'm also comforted that I'm not alone in that part also.

@esd - thank you so much love - and thank you for the reminder of letting time go by... I hope that I will get my rainbow one day too and often think of your experience and it give me so much hope

@kbhaynes - awww your words just break my heart because I know - I think we all know - that grief that you describe. ((((hugs))) - thank you for sharing about your experience also.

@QuigleyCat1 - oh my friend - I read your reply and my eyes just welled up with tears. You put into words exactly, to a T how I have been feeling. You're right - it feels like it's never enough kisses, never enough pictures or videos (all of which I have to sort through and organize and do something with). Thank you, thank you my friend - I would love to stay in better touch with you and will shoot you a PM for sure when I can

((((hugs))))

@Adam2010 - thank you so much, my friend! So many hugs back to you!

lindscaples · April 2014

It's 3:49 in the morning here and this post and all the responses have me sobbing.... But also feeling connected to a special and strong group of women. I am currently trying to be a mommy to 2 little ones after just finding out today that at 7 1/2 weeks, my baby had no heartbeat and I will miscarry. My husband is out of town on business and I have chosen to wait to tell him as he can't get home and I know how devastated he will be...... So I did what I could today as a mom... And sobbed when I could... And also am so devastated by the thought of thinking that my last baby was my last.... Because I never thought she would be... And as mentioned in a previous post... If I knew she was the last, I would have had a whole different perspective on that pregnancy and every moment of her infancy. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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