Do I need to go? — The Bump
Baby Showers

Do I need to go?

My best friend is expecting twins- this is her second pregnancy - she also has a 6 year old (she has leukemia and is in the middle of treatment lots of expenses). I know....I know..... second showers are tacky, etc- but this is how our group of friends does things. (Personally I hate all showers- first, second, etc- I even hated my own)

Here's the tricky part. I have suffered a late loss on Feb 12th (I was 27 weeks). I can barely talk to said friend for a multitude of reasons, not just her pregnancy. I just need a break from her right now. I just don't think when the time comes (it is scheduled for the end of June) that I will be able to handle sitting in a room talking about babies and baby things. Am I being a jerk? Do you think it would be ok if I just sent a gift? I have known this couple for 20 years.

Re: Do I need to go?

  • So sorry for your loss.  You are under NO obligation to go.  It's an invitation, not a court summons.  It seems like you and this person are not actually the best of friends right now.  Honestly, I understand your hesitation in going.  I haven't had a loss, but it was difficult to do the ooh and aah over baby stuff when I was struggling with my IF.  I can't imagine doing that after a late loss.

    Second showers are tacky, no matter what excuses people cook up to throw/accept them.  If you would like to give a gift, that's fine.  You don't need to do it at a shower event.

    I would let your friend know that you are not up for that sort of thing - that you are still grieving for your own loss.  She should be understanding.  And if she isn't...well, I would be reconsidering said friendship.
    This exactly.
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    No, of course you don't have to go. Showers are not "must attend" events.
  • potterowl said:

    Just throwing it out there... Despite her 6 year old having leukemia and the financial burden of that, your friend still chose to get pregnant. It isn't your responsibility to buy stuff for babies ever. No matter the finances of the parents.

    Literally chose to get pregnant. These are IVF babies. She didn't ask for a shower, her sister is just throwing one.
  • I am so sorry for your loss. Don't go if you aren't comfortable. My SIL suffered a late loss in the months preceeding my shower. She didn't attend and no one expected her to. I can't imagine going under those circumstances, any rational person would more than understand.
    [Deleted User]
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I just suffered a loss three weeks ago. I was also 27 weeks. Dh's cousin just had a baby, two days before our loss. Tonight at target we picked out books instead of the normal outfit or two that we send when someone we know has a baby. There's no way in hell I would go to a shower before I'm ready. Buying a gift might be hard too. I can't bring myself to go into that section right now. Walking by it is hard enough. Hang in there.
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    [Deleted User]
  • As other posters have said, an invitation is not an obligation. To either attend or send a gift.

    That said, depending on the relationship with the friend, you might feel an obligation to acknowledge the pregnancy in some way. If you do- then do it in the least traumatic way possible. If you really do feel a gift is appropriate, have DH pick one out online and send it straight to the mom to be along with your regrets that you cannot attend the shower (no further explanation necessary). If you really feel that attending the shower is appropriate, you can pop in and out quickly with a polite excuse of needing to be elsewhere and skip the grand opening and party games. If you don't really feel that either is strictly necessary, then a simple card would more than suffice- or a polite text or email with a simple congrats and good wishes.

    My best friend and I were both due with our firsts two weeks apart. I lost my boy at 17 weeks. She had a healthy boy. I really really wanted to be there and to be a good friend regardless of how heartbreaking it was to see her with everything I lost. I finished crocheting a baby blanket, I bought a shower gift and I went to the shower. And it hurt. It really hurt. But being there for her during her pregnancy was incredibly important to me- I don't have many friends and the ones I have kept I treasure. But that's my relationship with that specific friend. I certainly didn't go to any other baby showers in the year after my loss. Too raw. And that's okay too.
    Friends for 17 years. Married 10. TTC since Jan 2009.
    3 IVFs, 4 FETs, 11 transferred embryos, 3 losses (c/p, 6w, 17w)
    2012: Lost "Peanut" at 17weeks to PTL/IC.
     Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    2013: IVF#3/FET#4  Elisabeth CJ born April 30, 2014
    Cerclage, P17, and 3 months of bed rest brought us our Rainbow.
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     Dum spiro, spero.
    [Deleted User]
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