Am I being selfish?

dglvrk2 · April 2014

I just got off the phone with my mom feel frustrated....

She and my father live several states away - we live near San Francisco - in a rural town that takes a lot of time and effort to get to. We try to visit once every 12-18 months nevertheless. They ONLY visit when a baby is born or there is another reason to come to California such as a work conference, a family wedding or other family will be here, not us. It's been this way since we moved here nearly ten years ago. Mom asked - for the third time since January - if we could come up this summer. I gave her the same answer I have always given her: I have two weeks off but travelling with a three year old and an eight month old (the ages our daughters will be this summer) is difficult. I suggested that they come here for a visit. My mom explained as she always does that it's hard to leave their town in the summer AND that the summers are so amazing there (sort of true, but so are Bay Area summers).

DH and I are the ones with little kids and full time jobs. They are semi-retired. Is it too much to ask that I insist they visit US more instead of us visiting them?

Oh....and DH gets quite board in my hometown. I wish the idleness of these trips didn't bother him as much, but this is what it is.

YellowTulips521 · April 2014

I don't think you are being selfish. I am in a similar situation, except my parents live 2 hours away. They have come to see us 3 times in 10 months, which is a lot considering they came out once in the 2 years prior. Meanwhile, I try getting there every couple of months, sometimes more, and I have to travel with a baby and practically pack up my whole house for a weekend trip.

Sorry, no advice, just commiseration. Its very frustrating!

IrishTraveler · April 2014

My family is the same way. DH's dad has visited us twice in six years. He lives three hours away and is retired. My mom has visited several times but is disabled and dependent on others to drive her. It is incredibly frustrating and makes me feel as though we aren't as important because we don't live in one of our very small hometowns. As a result, we see DH's dad much less often than he'd probably like. Oh, well. We have a toddler and another on the way. Want to see us? Come visit. Three hours is a mighty long trip for the kids to make often.

bcnoelle · April 2014

I don't think you're being selfish. You guys obviously have more on your plate right now. Plus at those ages changing an infant and toddler's environment and schedule can be a difficult 'vacation' to handle and recover from. Maybe you guys could all meet up at some sort of get away vacation together that splits your travel difference and gives DH some opportunity to do something different in the future? I think sometimes when you start a habit of being the one that travels/visits then you are jut expected to keep doing so. I'd explain to your mom that it's too difficult at this time with the ages of your girls.

VOR · April 2014

Well, you can't "insist" anything. All you can do is say "we won't be able to come. If you'd like to see us, you can come here". Put the ball in their court.

I'd stop explaining to her why you don't want to come. Just say it won't work. Period. And while it sucks that she won't come more, you have to find a way to be ok with your choices. She can't make you go there any more than you can make her. Own your decisions.

jnnfrrose6 · April 2014

We've pretty much stopped going to see MIL because of many of the reasons you listed. We're about to have a second kid, we live in GA and she's in upstate NY, I have limited vacation time, and she's the retired one. She can come to see us if she wants to see the grandkids (which sounds harsh, but at this point there is really no other reason to go back to the town DH grew up in).

The flip side of this is she usually drives down (somehow she manages to make a 2 day drive take 3-4 days), and then stays for at least a week, usually more, but I'll put up with the houseguest if it means I don't have to do the traveling with kids.

Related, yet not, we're also trying to convince her to move closer to us (she's getting older and there's no family near her if something were to happen to her), so it helps in our arguments to try and persuade her to move. "Well, if you lived closer, then we'd be able to come see you more."

QueSrah · April 2014

I think all families are different. We live 500 miles from my parents and 500 miles (in a different direction) from my MIL. My parents come out to visit 2-3 times per year, in part because my hometown is pretty boring with not a lot interesting to do and in part because they acknowledge the difficulties of us getting time off from work and traveling with a little kid. We go to my home town every year or two (for weddings, funerals, reunions mostly). I'm damn lucky on that front. My MIL acts put out that we only visit her every year or two, even though she doesn't want us to come out to Cape Cod to visit her in the summer because the traffic is too bad and what the everlovingfuck can we do on the cape with a little kid in the dead of winter when it's too cold to do outdoor stuff? So we squeeze in a short visit when we can manage it. She's retired but hates to travel, so she'll go on safari with her husband but not want to take a much shorter trip to see us. Whatever.

But it's hard to MAKE someone travel to you, as frustrating as it may be. You can ask, but if they won't do it you just have to decide whether you'd rather visit and deal with the difficulties or stick to something easier for you and see them less often.

MommaP12 · April 2014

Is it the flight costs maybe making her not want to come? Just thinking maybe that is her blocker if she's semi retired on a fixed income and the flight is expensive. Maybe offer to pay for part of her flight which is still cheaper than all of you flying there?

Otherwise as PP said, put your foot down and put the ball in her court with the polite "we'd love to see you but with our limited vacation time and the kids schedules at this age it won't work, but you're welcome to come here any time."

ASmallWonder · April 2014

@CTGirl30 said all my thoughts. I read that part about not leaving their awesome area and thought "Well screw ya then!" lol

Pips09 · April 2014

I don't think you are being selfish at all. You make the choice not to travel because it is best for your family, and invite them to see you, but you can't force them to come. If they choose not to, then so be it. And I also call BS on the excuse that she can't leave her totally awesome town during the summer because it's just too awesome. What the what?

junebugrbig · April 2014

With the relatives I have in Florida (I live in MD), we have gone to visit every other year. It is more of a cost thing because when we go, we have to stay in a hotel (no room and allergies to pets in the relatives home). They come to see us maybe once a year. I also have relatives in NJ and we see them much more often. I have no problem hopping in the car for the three hour + drive (depending on traffic) to stay over even for one night. Usually go up there 3-4 times a year. They still come to see us more often.

With all your considerations, don't feel guilty for saying no. I have done it before and have no problem doing it again. Do what is best for you and your family. If you can provide any assistance to encourage their visit (help with travel costs), if that is an issue, I would offer it.

alli2672 · April 2014

I don't think you are wrong, but I think you should suck it up and do it. My parents used their vacation time and money to fly out to visit my dad's parents for a couple of weeks every summer, and my siblings and I ended up having a really good relationship with my cousins and grandparents because of it.
If they hadn't done it, I don't think my grandparents would have come to visit us, and we probably wouldn't have known them.

KayteeGee · April 2014

I don't think you are. I mean, you're all a family so I think everyone's situations should be taken into consideration to ensure you can spend time together. At the end of the day if they have more time they should come to you.
And I say that as someone who has not taken her 3 yo from the Western US to Eastern Canada to see my ILs yet. They've been here and know they are welcome ANY time for as long as they'd like, but at the end of the day, DH has been working on his MBA (out of town!) for the past two years and we just don't have the vacation time to make that trip with a toddler. We were planning to go this summer, but I'm now due with Baby #2 9/3.
It's a bummer because DS has not met his great aunts who are AMAZING but it's also just the way life has played out for us. Is it ideal? No. Is it OK? yes.
My parents are retired and they come to us a lot.

dglvrk2 · April 2014

MommaP12 said:
Is it the flight costs maybe making her not want to come? Just thinking maybe that is her blocker if she's semi retired on a fixed income and the flight is expensive. Maybe offer to pay for part of her flight which is still cheaper than all of you flying there?

Otherwise as PP said, put your foot down and put the ball in her court with the polite "we'd love to see you but with our limited vacation time and the kids schedules at this age it won't work, but you're welcome to come here any time."

No. Flight costs are not the issue. I do think my mom wod rather be a host than a guest. Oh well.... Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the affirmations ;-)

MickeyM04 · April 2014

I am late but I just wanted to add that we have the same problem with DH's parents. They live about 4 hours away driving distance (without stops), and they are always on us about how we should come visit them more, but then they won't come to us. I always say, why should we travel 4 hours (usually closer to 5-6 with all the stops you make with a toddler) and lug all of our stuff (pack n play, etc.) when they can pack a duffel bag and drive 4 hours no problem to us. We get the, "It's only fair to take turns," type of response which I think goes out the window when you are traveling with kids versus without. I don't think it's unfair for you to not want to go there, but I don't think you can expect them to come to you. My IL's want us to come to them, and we don't, and they don't come to us either. That's their problem. They won't have a relationship with DS if they never see him and that's their problem, not mine. I would say the same should go for you.

*sparky* · April 2014

My IL's live about a 7-hour drive away and we have not seen them since last June, when we planned and paid for a big family vacation. We have always gone to them 90% of the time - they come to us only for special occasions. They have not even come to visit for DS's birthday since he turned one (he will be nine this summer) even though he is their only grandchild.

Last summer I got PG and was on travel restriction for quite a while so we just have not seen them. They were too busy to come for the holidays. DH tried to make me feel guilty about it a couple of times but I refuse for this to fall 100% on our shoulders. I have used too much vacation time on going to visit his parents since we have known each other, and his dad barely speaks to me when we are there. Once we have the baby it will be worse, because they do not have space to accomodate a family of four in their house. So we may never see them.

So I would say no, you are not being selfish, but at the same time, you can't really expect them to come to you either. I know that it is frustrating to feel like it is always on you to go there, and you can see I get that because I am in the same boat. But at the same time, I am sure they feel they have valid reasons for not coming to you.

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