You guys...what's wrong with me?

MrsCodeMonkey · April 2014

I had this awesome party yesterday and all I could do is obsess over details. With enough wine I relaxed and did have some fun, but the rest of the night I felt like crying.

We're moving away and we'll miss our friends, but we'll still see them once in a while when we'll visit the ILs.

My other issue is that I thought I was past my miscarriage and set on OAD and yet I've been struggling with my feelings. My due date would have been Friday. It's just a damn date, but it hurts. I want to start the next stage in our lives and there's no room for a baby. I don't want a baby right now, but yet I'm still hung up on what it could have been.

What's worse is I planned this painting party for my girl friends and told them it was just for us (no kids) and one of my friends brought her 8 month old. She was so darn cute and I couldn't help but hold her, but it hurt so bad. I couldn't tell my friend that her baby makes me sad.

Thanks for listening. Not sure what the heck I need. Maybe just a hug and for time to pass.

MrsCodeMonkey · April 2014

Thank you, ladies!

JackoftheBox · April 2014

Hugs... I'm sorry it just sounds like your having a stressful time. I hope things settle down soon.

Chapter79 · April 2014

Awww.. hugs to you. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate... that can be sooo overwhelming at times. And we all grieve differently- there's NO time time as to when you should feel better.

I'm sorry, I hope things get better soon!

meo34 · April 2014

There is nothing wrong with. What you are feeling is normal and understandable given everything you have going on. No matter one and done or not I think many who experience loss with mc have emotions with milestones, etc. I haven't myself so I can't speak from my own experience but have friends who have talked with me with feelings similar to yours, even when they went on to have more children. Hang in there and sending good thoughts your way.

MAtoNC · April 2014

((Hugs)). I totally get it. The feelings will come and go. Sometimes the best decision still comes with some sadness.

MrsCodeMonkey · April 2014

You guys are the best. Few people seem to get that OAD struggle/decision. I'm frustrated because I was so happy a week ago and felt like I was healing and was ready to sell all the baby gear and move on. Somehow I ended up backpedaling.

Feelings are so complicated. I don't even know why this decision needs to be made now. It's like I want closure or something and to be done with that yearning feeling. It's never simple. I just need to focus on the opportunities that will be available to us after the move, especially that we'll have a 3 yr old and no newborn to drive up the cost of childcare.

Myaflowers · April 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are hurting! What you are feeling is totally normal. I had a loss in 2010 and was always super sad and depressed on the anniversary of my M/C and on my due date. This year since DD was born was the first time I didn't spend all day crying. This year, I felt sad but felt like I finally could accept what happened. Take your time to grieve and don't pressure yourself to make a decision yet about being OAD. I went to counseling for awhile after my M/C and it helped a lot. I know that with the move and everything that might be too hard, though. Hang in there! It does easier with time.

hopefulmom81 · April 2014

MrsCodeMonkey said:

You guys are the best. Few people seem to get that OAD struggle/decision. I'm frustrated because I was so happy a week ago and felt like I was healing and was ready to sell all the baby gear and move on. Somehow I ended up backpedaling. Feelings are so complicated. I don't even know why this decision needs to be made now. It's like I want closure or something and to be done with that yearning feeling. It's never simple. I just need to focus on the opportunities that will be available to us after the move, especially that we'll have a 3 yr old and no newborn to drive up the cost of childcare.

I totally get this. Though I am much more on the OAD side and decided, when I have those fleeting moments of yearning for another, I 100% wish that DH had a vasectomy already to hurry up and get the option off of the table.

I don't know if the yearning feeling ever goes away completely, but I just know that I couldn't handle more losses or another pregnancy. Not to mention $2000 a month in daycare would NOT be do-able at this juncture.

HUGE HUGE HUGS.

MrsCodeMonkey · April 2014

Myaflowers said:
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are hurting! What you are feeling is totally normal. I had a loss in 2010 and was always super sad and depressed on the anniversary of my M/C and on my due date. This year since DD was born was the first time I didn't spend all day crying. This year, I felt sad but felt like I finally could accept what happened. Take your time to grieve and don't pressure yourself to make a decision yet about being OAD. I went to counseling for awhile after my M/C and it helped a lot. I know that with the move and everything that might be too hard, though. Hang in there! It does easier with time.

Hugs to you too! Thank you for the kind words. Time has dulled down a lot of it, but it resurfaced. I have another counseling appointment right before our move. I hope to be sent off with some wise words of encouragement.

MrsCodeMonkey · April 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

MrsCodeMonkey said:

You guys are the best. Few people seem to get that OAD struggle/decision. I'm frustrated because I was so happy a week ago and felt like I was healing and was ready to sell all the baby gear and move on. Somehow I ended up backpedaling.

Feelings are so complicated. I don't even know why this decision needs to be made now. It's like I want closure or something and to be done with that yearning feeling. It's never simple. I just need to focus on the opportunities that will be available to us after the move, especially that we'll have a 3 yr old and no newborn to drive up the cost of childcare.

I totally get this. Though I am much more on the OAD side and decided, when I have those fleeting moments of yearning for another, I 100% wish that DH had a vasectomy already to hurry up and get the option off of the table.

I don't know if the yearning feeling ever goes away completely, but I just know that I couldn't handle more losses or another pregnancy. Not to mention $2000 a month in daycare would NOT be do-able at this juncture.

HUGE HUGE HUGS.

Exactly! I know what you mean. I just want to stop second guessing it.