LO vs. MIL/going back to work - long (sorry)

JGo517 · April 2014

I don't even know what to title this post because there is just so much going on. I've sat down probably about 100 times to write this and each time I get too upset and can't get myself to finish...but I need to get it off my chest and hear your thoughts and advice about what I should do....I know I'm not a "regular" (I can't for the life of me get my tickers, siggy and pictures to save!!!), but I post when I can and when I have something to contribute (that hasn't already been said). I know there are a lot of people who have similar situations and I really need some help.

That being said I'll give a little background first. I am lucky to have been able to take some extra time off after my maternity leave ended. I plan to go back in the middle of May and finish out the school year (~6 weeks). My MIL is going to watch DD at my house for that time. The same week DD was born my DH's grandmother (my mother in laws, mother in law) went into the hospital for a fall. The nurses told my in laws that she has severe dementia (not alzheimer's) and shouldn't be living alone anymore. Long story short, she now lives with my in laws, who are both retired. I wont get into the dynamics of how that situation is going, but supposedly my MIL is having a difficult time.

Here comes problem #1 - DD gets VERY upset whenever we are at my in laws. (she's perfectly fine with my family btw). They all think they can soothe her and insist on trying, which makes it worse. MIL frequently (like every time we speak) refers to my DD as "cranky pants" (she's really only cranky around them) or "chubby baby" (um, really? she's in the 60% for weight!). I swear, not a single nice thing. Yet, many times I have overheard my MIL talk about how she's excited to watch my LO. DH and I have asked and offered (many times!!!) for her to come hang out with us and get to spend time with DD. Yet she has come TWICE since January!!!! Yes, I know she has a situation at home that is difficult. But she has a nurse coming 3 days a week, and my FIL is home as well. We have even offered for her to bring his grandma over too...yet she doesn't come. I wanted to give her time to adjust, but now I'm going back to work in less than 6 weeks....this week was my breaking point. I invited her over for Tuesday, she said she couldn't. So I called her on Wednesday and said I'm going to visit tomorrow. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! DD purple face cried worse than when she got her shots at the doctor!!! It is literally the second DD lays eyes on her, she just bursts into tears and doesn't stop....It was painful to watch. I don't know what it is that makes her cry EVERY TIME she sees her (other than DD doesn't really "know" her). She smiled even for my FIL and the grandma.

So, on to problem #2 - going back to work. As of now, MIL is planning on watching DD. I can't imagine leaving my little munchkin with her to cry like that all day. I cried the entire way home and basically all night just thinking about it. We have plans for MIL and FIL to come over Tuesday and Saturday next week, but if there isn't any change in DD's reaction to her when she sees her, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. It's too late to find a day care around here. I can't just not go back to work this year (can I????) I feel like it will only make her separation in September even worse.

DH knows about the problems and feels like his mom has been super stressed out with his grandma. I feel like he needs to say something to his mom to get her butt in gear and spend some time with LO. (Oh, did I mention they are going on vacation for 12 days the end of the month??!! Even less time now!!) I just don't know what else to do at this point. The thought of my LO crying all day is breaking my heart.

Did anyone have similar crying issues with LO and certain people? or daycare drop offs? I need some positive thoughts here people.....I've been lucky to have been home this long, but we are both spoiled by this. I know many of you have returned to work, I read all your posts months ago and was upset for you then too. What got you through it? :-/ Please help me do the same!!

So, if you got through this long post, then thank you. I have tried attaching a picture of my little cutie just for making it this far....hopefully it work!! :-)

88sharonlee · April 2014

That sounds really stressful. I can't speak from experience but one thing I've heard is don't pass LO off directly, she might start crying for you to take her back. Instead try having LO in the car seat and let MIL pick her up directly from there.

Other than that I think your efforts to get MIL to spend more time with LO is very important. Hopefully even just having MIL around more will get LO used to her and feel more comfortable.

Is MIL not making the effort because she thinks she'll have plenty of time with LO in 6 weeks? Maybe dropping hints that your not comfortable leaving LO with her seeing how upset/ unfamiliar she is with her will be a good wake up call.

Good luck your LO is super cute!

Also, maybe cross post to the working moms board, they might have advice on drop off issues

Littlemama01 · April 2014

That sucks that your lo is struggling so much with her. My lo did that purpke face scream-cry with everyone but dh and I. Everyone. So you are already ahead of the game!!

In order to get lo used to my parents I had to drop him off and leave. If I was there he would not quit crying until he was back in my arms. After I left he did cry for maybe 20 mins or so but eventually stopped and was content (not giggly so much but not scared or angry either). If I were you I would bring lo over 2-3 times a week and leave them. They will get a system and comfort with each other. Also take heart that lo is comfortable with fil because he will be around too.

I sah so I can't comment on the back to work bit but having him with family is nice and once your mil is more comfortable around lo I'm sure her nicknames for him will get more endearing.

Eta- oops *her*

Kaymee · April 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have much advice to offer, however, my MIL calls my son "fatty," and it drives me crazy. My older son actually yelled at her for it!

CarrieB. · April 2014

My DH stays home with our kids during the and it took about 2 weeks for DD2 to adjust to me going back to work and he's her dad. There was a lot of crying. Some babies are more sensitive and your MIL will have to be patient. Try to relax yourself. Babies know when their mom is stressed and will pick up on that. Good luck!

JGo517 · April 2014

88sharonlee said:

Instead try having LO in the car seat and let MIL pick her up directly from there. Other than that I think your efforts to get MIL to spend more time with LO is very important. Hopefully even just having MIL around more will get LO used to her and feel more comfortable.

Is MIL not making the effort because she thinks she'll have plenty of time with LO in 6 weeks? Maybe dropping hints that your not comfortable leaving LO with her seeing how upset/ unfamiliar she is with her will be a good wake up call. Good luck your LO is super cute! Also, maybe cross post to the working moms board, they might have advice on drop off issues

When I was there yesterday MIL did take her right out of car seat. Usually I like to do that and let her warm up to everyone and her surroundings first. But, she beat me to it yesterday....didn't help either because LO cried her eyes out as soon as she was in her arms :-(

I'm not sure why MIL is not making the effort. DH seems to think it's because of the "stress of grandma." But you'd think coming over to my house to hang out with a cute and giggly baby would be more appealing?? :-) I plan on dropping A LOT more hints when they are here on Tuesday.

Thank you, I will cross post this on the Working Moms board....that's very helpful!!! :-)

JGo517 · April 2014

@BrittAnnie19 and @sunshin41 - I was thinking about the perfume thing as well. I don't know if she wears any, but I can detect a certain scent when I'm around her or in her house. Not sure if it's perfume or just her smell (fabric softener, detergent, cleaners, etc). But how do I tell her to not wear perfume or change her detergent???? I don't think she'd take that too well. And if I did say it, I have a feeling it would be something that she would NEVER let me forget :-/ Don't get me wrong, she's not mean or nasty....but, no sure of the words....brutally honest????

JGo517 · April 2014

BrittAnnie19 said:

Does MiL get flustered when LO doesn't calm down? I fully believe that babies pick up on other's anxiety and become anxious themselves.

If it's just a matter of MiL and LO not having enough of a chance to figure each other out yet, so to speak, then I'd give it a chance and see how it goes when you return to work. If it's more than that and you question your MiL's competence to care for LO then you need to consider alternate care options right away.

Also, where is FiL in all of this? You said LO has smiled at him. Does she react positively to him and can he soothe her? Since they are both retired, why can't FiL take the lead in care if he and LO have a good bond?

She doesn' get flustered, the exact opposite actually. She gets very insistent on telling me that LO is gassy/hungry/dirty/tired and that's why she is crying. (None of which are true because 1-she isn't gassy, 2-she just ate, 3- just changed her and 4 - she just woke up....ugh!!!) Or she just takes her away from me and tries to make her stop crying on her own, usually which causes the purple face cries to get even worse!

I don't question her competence, she raised 3 boys. But she hasn't taken the time to ask/watch me to learn what I do or what makes DD happy. Which is why I have been asking her to come spend time with us. I don't know if I'm being OCD about it, but for example, there are certain ways she likes to be held when she's falling asleep...she doesn't like to be patted (she INSISTS on patting her, drives me bananas!!!) she likes to be rocked...like those kinds of things. I know she could figure them out on her own. But why have to do that when I can just share with you what I have already learned????

FIL is around....he's actually more of a mush than my MIL. DD did respond better to him at first (isn't that weird though? She hasn't seen him anymore than she's seen my MIL???). I think it might be because he resembles DH more, so she laughs at him. But she ended up crying at him too...but he promptly gave her back to me at least. Anyway, wIthout getting too much into the family dynamic, I think MIL would be insanely insulted if FIL took over...I can't start problems like that. Who knows if he may come with MIL some days though.....unless he still has to stay with his mother at their own home.

Thank you for your advice :-)

JGo517 · April 2014

Kaymee said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have much advice to offer, however, my MIL calls my son "fatty," and it drives me crazy. My older son actually yelled at her for it!

OMG...I wish I had another LO to tell her to knock it off!!! It drives me CRAZY!!! She texts me "how's cranky pants today?"...or says hi when walking in "hi chubby face"....ugh. seriously??? I so badly want to be like "she's not cranky today because you're not around" or "those cheeks are from your side of the family...all 3 of your boys had them too!!!"

haha, vent over....thank you!!!! :-)

JGo517 · April 2014

wedding06 said:
Does your MIL still want to watch your LO? I wonder if she is having second thoughts and that is why she isn't putting forth the effort.

DS went through a period where he cried only when with my family. They would visit here or we would go there and the whole day was crying. This only changed when we went to my parents and my nephews were there. Once he saw the other kids be ok with the adults he loved them and would let anyone take him. It was interesting. That is probably not helpful in your situation but that is all I got!

In terms of going back to work I didn't have too hard of a time because I felt ready and I knew DS was in capable hands. Can you arrange some trial days to help ease in? I did a trial day and the director sent me pics all day and it helped me so much. When I went back to work I was so busy I only checked in once a day for a bit and now I don't check in unless I have a concern.

Thank you.

Funny that you said that. My friend and I were just trying to figure out how to ask her the same thing, without insulting her. I'm beginning to wonder if she still wants to as well. But I doubt she would back out - she's a bit stubborn and I could see her not wanting to look like she failed at something. :-/

As for the trial day... Are you referring to you or your LO? I'm a teacher so I can't do a trial day. But I'd love for my MIL to do just that.... Just have to get her to agree to come over first :-/

Kfran84 · April 2014

Are you sure it's too late for daycare options? You could hire a short term nanny in that amount of time.

My grandparents were my caregivers and our situation was similar to yours where my great Gma had dementia and moved in with them. The place became a zoo and it was really hard on my Gpa (primary caregiver).

Also, my great Gma with dementia was always doing crazy shit like turning on the stove burners to warm up a cup of coffee or carrying around a knife because she could see little green people. Luckily, I was like 10 by this time, so I just avoided her and played outside, but with my experience, I would be very hesitant to leave my LO in a house with someone suffering dementia.

Have you spent much time with great Gma? Do you know her symptoms well? I have only been around two people with dementia- one who seemed pretty normal, but thought the CIA was after him and would have crying fits over it, and the other, great Gma, who hallucinated 24/7. Most of it was benign, but could be dangerous.

If it were me, I'd find other care if at all possible. Was your plan to do daycare in Sept or was MIL watching her then?

Sorry so long and I don't mean to freak you out if your H's great Gma isn't as bad as mine was, but I can't imagine my grandparents watching my demented great Gma and a baby.

Littlemama01 · April 2014

I think by the sounds of it mil was going to be watching lo at op's house which means fil and the grandma aren't going to be Around.

Op I would say something like "now that you have so much on your plate with grandma, are you still comfortable with watching lo for these next 6 weeks? (If she says yes) OK great. We should have you spend some time with lo just to get used to each other, when can you spend some time with her just the two of you?"

Kfran84 · April 2014

Oh, I had assumed that the baby would be at the MIL's house. Sorry if I missed that part. If that's the case then my comment is irrelevant. My bad!

Littlemama01 · April 2014

Kfran84 said:
Oh, I had assumed that the baby would be at the MIL's house. Sorry if I missed that part. If that's the case then my comment is irrelevant. My bad!

I thought that at first too but some later comments made me think it's not the case.

JGo517 · April 2014

Kfran84 said:
Are you sure it's too late for daycare options? You could hire a short term nanny in that amount of time.

My grandparents were my caregivers and our situation was similar to yours where my great Gma had dementia and moved in with them. The place became a zoo and it was really hard on my Gpa (primary caregiver).

Also, my great Gma with dementia was always doing crazy shit like turning on the stove burners to warm up a cup of coffee or carrying around a knife because she could see little green people. Luckily, I was like 10 by this time, so I just avoided her and played outside, but with my experience, I would be very hesitant to leave my LO in a house with someone suffering dementia.

Have you spent much time with great Gma? Do you know her symptoms well? I have only been around two people with dementia- one who seemed pretty normal, but thought the CIA was after him and would have crying fits over it, and the other, great Gma, who hallucinated 24/7. Most of it was benign, but could be dangerous.

If it were me, I'd find other care if at all possible. Was your plan to do daycare in Sept or was MIL watching her then?

Sorry so long and I don't mean to freak you out if your H's great Gma isn't as bad as mine was, but I can't imagine my grandparents watching my demented great Gma and a baby.

Thank you for your input on the severity of grandmas situation. I'm sorry you had that experience. Fortunately she is nowhere near that level of seriousness. I have spoken to my MIL in great detail about her because I also was worried it would be too much. The most she has shared is grandma forgetting if she ate breakfast/lunch and having difficulty with bathroom issues. (Which they have a nurse for now.)

MIL was also watching her at my house, so FIL and grandma would not be around.

JGo517 · April 2014

Littlemama01 said:
I think by the sounds of it mil was going to be watching lo at op's house which means fil and the grandma aren't going to be Around.

Op I would say something like "now that you have so much on your plate with grandma, are you still comfortable with watching lo for these next 6 weeks? (If she says yes) OK great. We should have you spend some time with lo just to get used to each other, when can you spend some time with her just the two of you?"

Yes. That is the plan now. DH is going to speak to her in hopes of getting an honest response. My post was really to vent about situation of LO crying hysterically every time she sees them. It's so hard and doesn't seem to be improving. As well as my frustration in trying to make that better but having what seems as her "not make an effort to spend time with LO." (DHs words, not mine)

Again, thank you for your help.

JGo517 · April 2014

Finnaroo said:

I have to add though. Your comment about them taking vacation came across as kind of selfish. They're entitled to a break too. I get that this is important to you, but that doesn't mean that it's the only thing they've got going.

Of course they are entitled to a vacation!!! I tell her that each time we speak! Selfish is the least thing I am being. If it came across that way, then I didn't word it correctly...this IS a semi venting session. The point of my comment was that if we are going to make this work (because SHE wants to), now there is even less of an opportunity to have her spend time with LO. Not selfish at all.

KatieintheCity · April 2014

Has your MIL had any along time with your DD? If not, I suggest having her babysit for a couple of hours once or twice at least before you go all-in every day. DS tends to fuss with my ILs, too, if I'm around, but as soon as I'm not there, he's as good as gold for them. Your ILs will become more confident and better at soothing DD as well, with practice. Remember that we didn't know how to handle our kids overnight, either. They need to get to know each other.

With DC dropoffs, DS is usually fine, but if he fusses, distracting him with a toy or mirror or something usually calms him right down.

Also, this might be flameworthy, but I would try to develop a slightly thicker skin where your MIL is concerned. The examples you gave of her not saying anything nice aren't THAT bad. (IMO, there's nothing wrong with saying a baby is chubby... I pinch my kid's thighs all the time and say it, and he's only 40th percentile! And he's also a really well behaved baby, but if he gets fussy, I'll ask him why he's being a fussbucket. But maybe I'm not nice?) She IS your kid's g'ma, and it'll be good for you, your DD, and your DH if you try to go out of your way to forge a positive relationship. TRUST me I know it's not always easy.

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