2nd Trimester
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friends with infertility
BPNJ16
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has anyone ever had to "face" a friend suffering from infertility to tell them you're pregnant? we had our first dr's appt on a tuesday (at 9 wks), told my parents Wed, told his parents Thurs, told his siblings Fri, & told my siblings & immediate family on Sat. on sunday, i text my friend to let her know, told her that i understood if she needed time that she didn't even to tell me she needed time, i would completely understand, & i apologized (because i was sorry i had to share the news with her). sending a text seemed the best idea so she could respond at her own will & not be forced to respond if i had called her. she did text me the following day saying how she was mad at me for not telling her the last 2 times i had seen her & that she did need time (i saw her prior to my dr's appt & telling my family). i explained how we had just told the family the day before, & she was the first non-family to know, & that i didn't think it was fair that she should know before my parents (this is our first child).
this was 4 weeks ago. this past weekend, she sent me a very long winded text. the only part i read is what popped up on my phone which was "ok, so here are the reasons i am most upset with you right now..." & i didn't open the text. i didn't want to. i did nothing wrong. at least, i don't think i did. i tried to handle the situation with as much sensitivity as i could given that i knew no matter what, she was going to upset. i told my husband i didn't want to read it, because i was afraid it was going to make me hate her for saying things that were unwarranted. he asked to read it, & i let him. he told me not to read it & just delete it. he said it would only upset me & what she said didn't make any sense to him. i have not yet read or deleted it. right now, i feel like she is just my friend whose anger has been extremely misdirected & one day she'll realize that i had no control over this (short of terminating my pregnancy so we could remain childless together -that was sarcastic for those who might jump down my throat. i am over the moon excited that after a year we finally got pregnant. i just said that to show out i actually have no control over this). at this point, i'd rather just have her mad at me for whatever her "reasons" are then read her hate-ridden email & end up hating her. i don't want to put myself in a position to have to "forgive her" for things she said to me. does that make sense?
has anyone gone through something similar? how did you handle it? are you still friends? when did they come around & stop being mad at you for Having what they can't? i don't want to lose my friend over this, but if she's going to continue to send hateful messages, i don't know if i need/want someone like that in my life, right? any advice is appreciated.
this was 4 weeks ago. this past weekend, she sent me a very long winded text. the only part i read is what popped up on my phone which was "ok, so here are the reasons i am most upset with you right now..." & i didn't open the text. i didn't want to. i did nothing wrong. at least, i don't think i did. i tried to handle the situation with as much sensitivity as i could given that i knew no matter what, she was going to upset. i told my husband i didn't want to read it, because i was afraid it was going to make me hate her for saying things that were unwarranted. he asked to read it, & i let him. he told me not to read it & just delete it. he said it would only upset me & what she said didn't make any sense to him. i have not yet read or deleted it. right now, i feel like she is just my friend whose anger has been extremely misdirected & one day she'll realize that i had no control over this (short of terminating my pregnancy so we could remain childless together -that was sarcastic for those who might jump down my throat. i am over the moon excited that after a year we finally got pregnant. i just said that to show out i actually have no control over this). at this point, i'd rather just have her mad at me for whatever her "reasons" are then read her hate-ridden email & end up hating her. i don't want to put myself in a position to have to "forgive her" for things she said to me. does that make sense?
has anyone gone through something similar? how did you handle it? are you still friends? when did they come around & stop being mad at you for Having what they can't? i don't want to lose my friend over this, but if she's going to continue to send hateful messages, i don't know if i need/want someone like that in my life, right? any advice is appreciated.
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Re: friends with infertility
There is no reason for her to be mad at you for getting pregnant and not telling her before your family. That is a choice you had to make and you should stand by it, of course while still being sensitive to her feelings.
However, I would read the text. Maybe there is something else going on that you are not aware of. IMO, not finding out what is actually wrong can only make the problem fester. After reading the text, I would respond accordingly, then give her some extra time to process the news as I am sure this is painful for her. Obviously you getting pregnant has no bearing on her infertility, but I can only imagine the pain infertile couples must feel when they want children so badly.
I also think you should read the text.
Maybe the infertility issues are actually playing a smaller part in why she is angry than you think.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Unless you have gone through the hell of IF yourself, you can't judge your friend for how she is feeling or how she expresses it. That is how she is coping. I told both of my friends why I was hurt by their texts as it just seemed so impersonal to me.
Bottom line, read the text if you want to understand why she is upset with you.
***SIGGY/TICKER WARNING***
TTC since September 2012 ~ DH(32): Non-obstructive azoospermia, Me(32): Normal
10/13 - TESE found sperm!! ~ 11/13 - IVF w/ ICSI #1 ~ ER 11/23/13 ~ 10 R, 9 M, 8 F
ET 11/29/13 ~ Transferred 2 beautiful hatching blasts, 5 frosties
12/5/13 - BFP!!! Beta #1 (12/7/13) - 189 Beta #2 (12/9/13) - 401 Beta #3 5871
12/16/13 U/S #1 - TWINS!! EDD - August 16, 2014 ~ 7/19/14 - Our beautiful baby girls joined the world!
I'd read the message from her. But I would not be kissing anyone's ass.
You have to read the text/email. If she is a really good friend then there is more going on than you being pregnant. & if she is mad at you for getting pregnant when she can't, well, then she really isn't that great of a friend to begin with. Read the message & deal with it accordingly.
Text may have been a good idea to you but she may have been blind sighted by the news on her phone. It's better than in person, but email may have been better.
I am interested to know her reasons she is upset with you, truthfully. Can you share them? My answers can vary based on her grievances...
No matter what she is allowed to feel as she needs to feel. I've never suffered from IF but the people I love that have experience pain beyond my imagining. Any pregnancy announcement is painful.
You are taking her personal pain & making it all about you. It's not about your needs, wants or feelings. She is hurting & upset about something beyond all of your control. It most likely has very little to do with you personally. Her reasons for being upset with you would be helpful.
Take a step back. Yes, you tried to be sensitive & I applaud that. Good for you & you are a good person for that. You said you understood if she needed time to process etc. Did you really mean that or were you just paying lip service to the idea?
If you really want to give her space then read the text. Stop, think about the reasons & consider them. It is possible you may have made mistakes somewhere. Look outside yourself & let the defensiveness go for a minute.
Put your compassion hat on & try to see where she is coming from & examine your actions.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Please remember you said this.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
This comes from a second time pregnant mom with a best friend that is about to be 33 with no kids (or even a bf right now), but she desperately wants children. I always told her on a girls' day with mani/pedi's and although I can see slight jealousy, she is also happy for me.
Read what she took the time out of her day to write you. You are friends. This should not impact your friendship but be a blessing to you and to her. (My bf is godmother, not sure if you two are that close or not).
That being said, maybe it was you approach or maybe it is her own insecurities either way you won't know until you read her response. If she is truly your friend then you can get through this together.
I also went and read your post about your cousin. I think you need to realize not everyone is going to jump up and down, but deep down if they care for you, they are happy for you.
I have two cousins who both suffer from infertility, one eventually became pregnant with the shots (I don't know what kind, just that whatever it was eventually worked for them), and the other is currently having fertilized eggs implanted in her uterus (apparently this is very expensive). I have no idea the ins and outs of infertility having come from an immediate family with no infertility problems, but one of my sisters has had two miscarriages in the past 3 years (though she has two kids before the miscarriages).
My husband and I announced our pregnancy just before Christmas, which was about a week after my sister and her husband announced they had miscarried for the second time. So needless to say I was VERY afraid to share our news because of how she might react.
We did tell our family in person, although I think your reasoning for telling your friend through text were a good idea considering the circumstances. My sister and her husband were both incredibly happy for us and had no hard feelings towards us for sharing our news so soon after their loss, or none that they shared with us anyway.
I did call my sister a few days later and ask her if she was upset with us, because we are obviously very excited as it is our first pregnancy and didn't hold back our happiness when we told family. She said she was so happy that something so special came during their tough time because it helped her find happiness during a time of sorrow.
I think what you did came from a good place in your heart out of consideration and compassion for your friend. I, personally, would still read the message because as others said, the feelings may be deeper than just your pregnancy and I'd want to know to reconcile if possible. Good luck whatever you decide!
We have close friends that have been TTC for years and have recently been through a mc. They live out of state, so face to face was not an option, but there is no way we would have told them over a text. We called them and spent quite a bit of time talking with them before and after we told them.
It really bothers me that you will not read this text. It doesn't seem like you are sensitive to this issue at all. Almost like you think "this is her drama and I can't deal right now because I have more important things going on." She's your friend and friends come with drama and hard conversations. If you can't deal with those than maybe you two shouldn't be friends.
Started TTC in 2006, LOTS of trying, and trying, and 7 rounds of IVF with 13 embryos, 2 perfect little boys and 5 loses....
All finished with babies, started to make diet changes, Keto, to be MORE for my kids, lost 30 pounds, still going, and 3 months in, I had a natural cycle, and then ovulated... Hubs and I are going to see what happens now... Maybe a natural pregnancy? After everything we have been through? Or just a return to normal hormones? We shall see what the future holds!
Baby Dust To All!!!
It's not that the person isn't happy for you, but that they have all kinds of emotions that they have to shove down on the spot to "put on a happy face" for the pregnant woman in front of them.
I've always been told email is the best method. It gives the other person the distance to feel as they need to process the information without being put on the spot.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
My cousin has been dealing with secondary infertility for three years. After getting pregnant with this bean, I asked two friends that dealt with IF how I should let my cousin know. They both said that it would be easier to process if it was not face to face. I took their advice.
I find it bizarre that you refuse to read the rest of her text. You are getting the happy ending she wants, try to be compassionate.
i asked my sister if it mentioned anything i did wrong or said that was hurtful, short of not telling her when i did. she said it was mostly about waiting to tell her & "pretending" & "being fake" about the situation when we saw each other. she mentioned nothing of it being because she got a text, so for those upset i didn't do face to face, i think i picked the most sensitive approach. she told me about her IVF treatments in emails. & for those referencing my cousin, this is a completely different situation - that is family who wanted to be pregnant & being angry i "stole her thunder" & how "i should have gotten pregnant sooner" since we "were married for a year" (we tried for over a year & i had no control over when i was able to conceive) - & these are direct quotes from her mouth when i finally got tired of waiting to hear back from her & reached out. she also said she hated me for making her share this with her since i could have gotten pregnant any other time (& this is the person you all defended & made me out to be this horrible person). give the side eye all you want, but if you had to listen to someone b*tch at you for being pregnant at the same time as them, i guess you'd be ok with that & blame yourself for being such a horrible person, since that is what you basically said i was. so, yes, i am a horrible person for getting pregnant at the same time & "forcing" her to share this with me.
i digress...
i will read the text when i feel i am ready. i don't want to get mad at her for the hurtful things 2 people told me she said to me in the text. yes, i know i will need to respond, eventually. just like her, i now need time to process the information. maybe because i am afraid of losing a friend over something i couldn't control. maybe because i will have to admit that the friendship isn't strong enough to make it through this. i know what she is going through in a small way (like i said, we tried for a year), but she has had 2 more years of disappointment, & i know how i felt finding out about people getting pregnant over that year...it hurt. it was hard to find the "happy joy joys" for them at first, so time was important. perhaps i will read it this weekend now that i have had time to calm down, but with how mean some of you on here are being about my "prior post," i don't think i would share what she said, because like my husband & sister said, it is misdirected anger that has nothing to do with anything i did wrong - waiting to tell her after we made sure everything was ok & telling family first. i don't see that as a good reason to be upset, so it does appear she just needs to be angry for some reason, & those are the reasons she's come up with. i am not angry with her, & i am afraid i will be if i read her text. i know she's hurting, i know this. i can't "fix" what is wrong. if i read it & become upset, i might become defensive & say something that will GIVE her a valid reason to be angry with me. i don't want that.
Sometimes friends come in and out of our lives. Maybe she was only meant to be your friend for those 4 years. Maybe she will never be ok with you having this blessing she cannot experience herself. She may resent your child too. These aren't what will happen but I was just thinking of things that may happen. Take your time to focus on you. Your pregnancy isnt about anyone else but you and your husband. So this cousin thing it may hurt because its familty but you need to let that go to no matter how hurtful her reasons are for not being happy for you. And as for your friend maybe you should let that go to. If she was really your friend she would be angry on her own time and not try to drag you down with her. The same thing with your cousin. Misery loves company. Don't let them bring you down.
You sure know a lot of direct quotes for someone that didn't read the message.
You are choosing not to read the text. She wrote you, clearly she wants to line of communication to be open. Don't respond or don't read it now. Whatever, that is on you. not her.
Look, I don't know you and I could be off base, but there might be a reason that this is your second post about someone not reacting the way you wanted.
You have what your friend wants, did you expect her to be over the moon for you? That is nonsense. The ball is in your court and has been since she sent the text to you.
4 rounds of clomid, 2 with IUI = BFN
So what if she's venting? So what if she's having a tantrum? As someone else has already said, you don't get to dictate her emotions or her reactions. Let her vent. Let her have a tantrum. A good friend will allow those things to happen and not take it personally. They'll understand that their friend is speaking from a place of personal pain. And be a bigger person and support them THROUGH that pain. And continue to support them as best as they possibly can.
I'm not saying if you did right or wrong for texting her; I can see both sides. But, you're doing your friend no kindnesses by NOT reading her text message. Unlike you, she had no idea what the text message from you was going to contain, so I suspect it blew up in her face when she read it. She was STILL unprepared to read it. You, on the other hand, had a heads up that her response text message might be painful (emphasis on MIGHT, you still don't know for sure one way or the other).
You'll have to simply let her comments of "faking" being not pregnant, or whatever it was she said, go. Again, understand that is probably coming from a place of hurt and anger that has nothing to do with you.
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Proud Mother to 16 year old Austin (MCJROTC Sgt., Trumpet playing "Band Nerd" and hopeful Air Force Pilot!)
Proud Stepmother to 12 year old Josh (Baseball playing, Saxophone playing "Band Nerd" and hopeful Doctor!)
Proud Mother to baby Kaylee (Stuffed toy playing, Adorable smiling baby and hopeful Rodeo Princess!)
She's communicating in a way (on multiple board posts) that makes her appear very self-involved. She could be awesome & just having a bad period in her life. However, we can only respond to the content & tone of her posts.
Posting the text would help us get a feel for what she is talking about. Why don't you get off your high horse?
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Personally it was never hard for my husband or me to learn of other pregnancies because we never felt their joy took away from our situation. BUT not everyone is in that place and we'd already dealt with a lot of my chronic health challenges, which helped us learn to cope with things not working out the way we'd hoped. All that experience was very valuable to us in coping with IF.