Well the in-laws have given up on us.

jenkellen · March 2014

My MIL was here this weekend and asked my husband if we were just going to adopt. My husband was so sad.

To me 1.5 years feels like forever, but I know it's not that long. It just really sucked to hear that my in-laws basically think we're f'd and of course it was CD1. They don't even know what's going on, in terms of testing, treatments, etc. All they know is that we had a loss in Dec '12.

How are you dealing with these convos? It blows.

[Deleted User] · March 2014

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toomanycats1 · March 2014

Siggy Warning

I am so sorry sweetie. It's hard enough to experience IF, I can't even imagine how frustrating it would be to have others know about it since we were intensely private about our struggle. So much so in fact, that my mom actually referred to my m/c as "we dodged a bullet". (She assumed that the pg had been unexpected since we hadn't got pg again... she has no idea we tried for years with multiple losses).

I think Grail's way of handling the information is perfect. It tells everyone you're doing all you can, without going into too much detail, or inviting everyone into the bedroom.

I'm so sorry she made you and your husband feel like you're letting the family down though. For that she definitely earns a TP (especially given the CD1 timing). ((Hugs))

****Siggy Warning****

WatchmansMoon · March 2014

I'm sorry to hear how hard this has been for you and your husband. I can understand a parent's desire for their kids to produce grandchildren, because they long for that in the same way we long to have a child ourselves. They just don't have a good idea of what we go through to conceive, all they see is the end product. I really appreciate what GrailSeeker said about letting them know you have a plan, you're on it, and you appreciate their desire for a baby but they need to leave that to you. Is the the type of MIL that would understand your feelings if you tell her how painful this has been for both you and DH? I wish you the best and send you lots of HUGS!!

anitaflora · March 2014

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry

That was really insensitive of her

(((huge hugs)))

toomanycats1 · March 2014

wickedsugar said:

I hate the "just adopt" comment.. It`s not that easy or simple. Would you be willing to tell her a bit of what`s going on ?

Siggy Warning...

Wicked makes a good point. Does she mean "just adopt" like it's a consolation, or no big deal? If it's consolation, then that truly sucks. If it's no big deal, then at least it's good to know biology doesn't matter to her, and it's possible she was trying to be helpful.

(I know that doesn't make it less hurtful, but those words can be taken 2 completely different ways and I'm curious of her tone).

lincoln79 · March 2014

***lurker***

@Jenkellen - I hope it's ok that I reply, I just say your name and wanted to reach out.

you have had some great responses, but one thing I would like to add is that I try to remember that women our mother's/grandmother's age didn't have the options for medical intervention that we have.

they got to a place where you or I are, and had only two choices: adopt or CFNBC.

also, i have a well-intentioned MIL who tries to open the door into sensitive areas of conversations like a bull in a china cabinet. She is just uber awkward, but totally means well.

((((hugs))))

shandorfml2 · March 2014

(((hugs)))) That totally sucks. I'd probably have a hard time not opening my mouth

jbasore1123 · March 2014

Ugh, I'm so sorry she said that to you. I truly hope, like PPs said, that she meant it in a kind way and not the harsh way it came out. (((hugs)))

Rachaeleigh · March 2014

Ugh. That would make me sad as well. I dont have much more to add to pp comments. Just huge ((((hugs))))

taberbtb · March 2014

I am sorry your those words even came out of your MIL's mouth. Regardless of how they were intended it would be shitty to hear that. (((((Hugs)))))

jenkellen · March 2014

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate all your feedback and for letting me vent. I know deep down it comes from a good place (at least I think so), but I just think people throw around "oh just adopt" like it's just as easy. Like I can just drive down to Kids-R-Us and pick out a baby.

Part of us wants to tell her, but she has a huge mouth and I don't want his entire extended family knowing about our personal business. It's ultimately my husband's decision, and he doesn't want to talk to her about it.

Love you guys! And yes @snegde let's get beers!

luciddreamer106 · March 2014

I'm sorry that she hurt you. I also get irritated when people say, "just adopt" like it's NBD or that adopting isn't a wonderful thing to do. I don't really have an advice for you. I understand that it's a hard spot to be in when you want to tell her so she understands, but also don't want her spreading that info.

Edited for wrong word

uneek1323 · April 2014

(((hugs))) I'm sorry. It's hard to hear those kinds of comments.

uneek1323 · April 2014

daves_sweetpea said:

Lurker here, but I'm 99.9% watchmansmoon is one of those obnoxious Focus on the Family spammers. I tried to report/flag her but it's not working for me on mobile. ...lurking out

Thank you, and yes, she is. Reporting isn't working anywhere.

jap618 · April 2014

((((hugs))))) hun

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hate the idea that people say "just adopt" like it's nothing. I started to open up to a co-worker who has had severe PCOS and several surgeries since she was 14 and will never be able to carry her own kids and has contemplated having a hysterectomy at 25 to stop the pain she has been in for 11 years but as soon as I mentioned "we've been having problems and don't know if we'll be able to have kids" she just jumped to "oh well there are lots of kids that need good homes". I mean I get that that is true but she had asked when we were going to have kids!! It blew my mind. I'm so sorry again and I'm here to listen whenever you need me

jenn0021 · April 2014

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry she said that to you. I hate it when people's words hurt so much, even if they weren't meant to. I've also received the "you could adopt" suggestion and it sucked. It was from my mom and I informed her that adoption was not just a quick fix and wasn't as easy as she may think.

As for how open we are, as of late, very open. After our first 2 losses, we didn't open up about them for a while and even then we chose who we told. But over time and through my blog, we talked about our journey more and more. When we had our 3rd loss, we told everyone immediately and then have been keeping the general public informed about our testing and results. But I do make it loud and clear that no one is to ask us if we are pregnant and we will share as we feel comfortable. It's such a personal decision to be open about such a private thing and I respect everyone's feelings on this matter. For us though, it just felt right to tell people where we're at right now.

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