Baby sister Pregnant in High School - How to approach?

KUGirl09 · April 2014

So, I just got a bombshell dropped on me today. My mother called to tell me that my 18 year old baby step-sister (who is still in high school) is pregnant and due in early October. She is due about 6 weeks after me! I already told her that I didn't approve in any way of her 25 year old boyfriend (gasp! heart attack!), but as her sister, it's not like I could do anything about it. You all know how we were when we were 18 and in love.... This disapproval of course caused a rift in our relationship, even though we have always been close. Before this news, we had finally mended fences, and were in a good place despite our difference in opinion. Now, as my mother and I predicted, she is pregnant. She has decided to keep the baby (not give it up for adoption), and get married this summer.

There are a lot of parenting issues obviously involved here that likely led to this difficult path. However, here is my dilemma, as her older sister (I'm in my thirties), do I be the cheerleader "yay! We are pregnant together!" person, just be supportive and provide education and information, or act like a parent and tell her that her poor life decisions have led to this result, and give her the cold hard truth about what she is about to face. Is this even my place?? I've always been a semi-friend/parent type person in her life since I'm so much older than her. I'm just devastated for her, but as my mother says, "Every baby is a blessing". I know I will support her in helping raise this child, so its more the issue of how to I approach this news (she doesn't know I know yet)?

MandMLeona · April 2014

I would take the middle road. I wouldn't act thrilled because you aren't, but I wouldn't pile on the cold hard truth. She will learn the cold hard truth on her own. I think I'd go with something like, "Wow"...then feel my way from there.

MeganEMcG5 · April 2014

Eeek, this is a tough one. I would probably do a little bit of both, but I definitely wouldn't lead with celebration and I would ease up on the "life lessons" discussion as you are not her parent. I'm sure she is well aware of HOW she got here, but it sounds like she is trying to "do what's right" (in her mind) by getting married (not that I necessarily agree with this).

I think you should focus on making sure she is supported and healthy throughout her pregnancy, rather than harp on this she could've/should've done differently.

novameh · April 2014

She's 18, an adult. She probably needs a friend and sister more than another person telling her how much she screwed up. I'd swallow my hatred for the bf and try to help them make a go of it. When things get tough, she'll trust you and come to you for advice and love. I wouldn't lecture her. Hug her. Tell her it'll be tough but you believe she can make a great mom. Words have power.

tabaskoa · April 2014

I agree with all the PPs...regarding not being a cheerleader exactly but be supportive.

Personally, I would be more concerned about the fact she wants to get married. Hopefully she realizes she doesn't HAVE to get married...and that maybe they should hold off on those kind of decisions for awhile.

ETA: My sister got pregnant (at 24ish) a month after starting to date a guy. So it was a big shock for me when she told me ... but I recovered and supported her. They ended up moving in together after awhile and they got along really well. It was obviously meant to be in their case because they are getting married this August...my niece will be 2 years at the time. I think it was so smart for them to wait and not jump into marriage just because she got pregnant.

shevaCC · April 2014

Since the baby is already on the way, I think the time for the cold hard truth has passed. Being a parent is really hard, but it's also really wonderful in many ways and she'll be forced to grow up quickly (we hope anyway, for baby's sake). I think life will deliver more lessons than any lecture ever could so I would take the approach of "you're walking a tough road but I'm here for you all the way."

Chicky0727 · April 2014

novameh said:
She's 18, an adult. She probably needs a friend and sister more than another person telling her how much she screwed up. I'd swallow my hatred for the bf and try to help them make a go of it. When things get tough, she'll trust you and come to you for advice and love. I wouldn't lecture her. Hug her. Tell her it'll be tough but you believe she can make a great mom. Words have power.

I agree with all of this. My baby sister got pregnant at 18...just graduated high school. I didn't care for the BF but being there and supporting the best can is what she needed most. Like PP said they know they screwed up...they don't need a reminder of it. While I was hard on my sister in the beginning, once we got over the initial shock, we were able to get back to being sisters and it was fun being able to share with her my stories of being pregnant.

One thing I did strongly suggest to her was to go on birth control as soon as baby was born to help prevent another unplanned pregnancy. And so far so good.

Also her BF has made a huge turn around and has impressed us with being responsible and taking care of both my sister and nephew. Granted it was a long hard road for everyone...but everything will be OK.

Valancyy · April 2014

I wouldn't preach to her, it's already done. If she doesn't already realize she's not in an ideal situation, she soon will.

I don't think I could be all "yay, we're both pregnant!" because obviously her situation is a lot different. Do you know how she feels about being pregnant? I guess when you're 18 some girls may be excited (in a naïve way?), or else be totally devastated.

I agree about taking the middle road, you can talk to her about her pregnancy, don't be judgmental, but don't be too excited either.

Wonder if she'll feel jealous of your situation, especially after the babies come? Just thinking since I'm sure you'll have more money for baby stuff, and your husband (I'm assuming you're married since most of us here are) will be supportive. You never know what kind of situation she'll find herself in with her boyfriend/future husband.

Nuclearcupcake · April 2014

novameh said:
She's 18, an adult. She probably needs a friend and sister more than another person telling her how much she screwed up. I'd swallow my hatred for the bf and try to help them make a go of it. When things get tough, she'll trust you and come to you for advice and love. I wouldn't lecture her. Hug her. Tell her it'll be tough but you believe she can make a great mom. Words have power.

I agree with this. I was fresh out of high school when I got pregnant and married and anyone that would have given me a lecture I would have been done with. We made it work on our own and the support and love we had was greatly appreciated. Just because we made it work doesn't mean everyone can but it's not like she is 16 and a child. She's probably scared out of her mind.

BabyM82714 · April 2014

I'll chime in! I'm not much older than your sister. I just turned 21... So I found out I was pregnant at age 20. I'm done with high school but currently enrolled in college and have(had) big plans to be a nurse practitioner. I've been with my BF for 2 years and he is 23, we've also lived together for 2 years in our own home.

We do not plan on rushing to get married because we are pregnant. I want a wedding for all the right reasons. My family all took good approaches, my mom and dad were upset but now supports me and are excited. Their only concern was me finishing college. My siblings were nothing but excited and his siblings were excited too. My grandparents were very happy.

I do not think telling her tht she made a mistake will help at ALL. She knows this and at that point your trying to parent. I would be excited for her, she will find out it's hard on her own, support her. But honestly she's 18, most likely graduating this summer before her baby is here, so let her make her choices. She's an adult. It does make life much harder but you need to keep the sister and parent boundaries seperate, I do this with my younger sister and it's tarnished our relationship.

Anyways good luck! I know you're shocked and it's not the future you had in mind for her but it will be okay. Baby's are blessings. It looks like her and her BF are being responsible in wanting to live together and be married (although I don't think marriage only because of baby is
smart) but they have the best interest of baby in mind and that alone shows the maturity. They will be okay. Babies are hard at any age, and no one is truly 100% ready for their first child. My grandma said "no matter how many bills you have or how little time there is, somehow it all works and somehow it all ends up okay

" she had her Kids at 17 (unmarried) then married and another and 21. She made it!

lookame3639 · April 2014

I was a young mom with my first. I was with a guy who my family didn't approve of we got married the whole 9 yards. I thought I knew everything and the fact was the more everyone said x, y, Z would happen the more I pushed back and just knew it wouldn't work out that way.

My suggestion...be the shoulder for her to talk to and rely on. Don't go all cold hard facts just offer to support her. Eventually she'll see that her choices weren't the best (with me my ex split less than a year after marraige and i wasn't a great mom till I met my FI)...just be there for her

KUGirl09 · April 2014

Thanks everyone. I completely agree with you, and I think I'll just be her sounding board and her shoulder. We live about 1.5 hours from each other, so I won't be there as much as she might need, but at least I'm close enough for her to get away when she needs it. I really don't want her to rush into marriage. My mom got pregnant with me at 16, got married, and although I have an amazing sister from that marriage, it was terribly disastrous for her and her life after that. I hope it would not end up the same for her, but since they haven't been together long, (and I don't trust a man who is a college graduate and would WANT to date a high school girl), I hope that our family can encourage her to wait till after the baby is born to consider marriage. He is the manager of a local pizza chain, so he obviously doesn't make much, but it would be enough to survive if she worked as well. Considering she knows about my mothers first marriage, I hope that is an example enough to let her consider it. Based on what my mom reports, she is on the Naive/excited range of the spectrum, to the point that I have a sinking feeling this might have been planned (long story).

Valancyy. My husband and I have been sharing all of our nursery plans, baby name ideas, shower ideas, etc. I know that she won't have much to start on with her situation, so I hope that we can have a heart to heart on this issue so feelings aren't hurt. I appreciate the thought and heads up!

tealowl · April 2014

I got pregnant at 18 also, 3 months out of high school.

I won't go into a huge story, but what I will say is that I would have given ANYTHING to have my mom or an older sister show a smidge of excitement and/or happiness.

I was miserable and lonely. I have no tv, computer, a car or a phone. All I had was library books and my two cats.

It's like I constantly needed to be punished about getting pregnant. Obviously everything turned out okay, and DD is a thriving 12 year old.

But I just remember being very scared and lonely during that time.

jamielcall · April 2014

I am expecting my first with my boyfriend and when I called and told my sister whom I am extremely close to and who has always been like a 2nd mom to me she laid into me, hung up on me and we didn't talk for several months. I was so hurt and wanted nothing to do with her, my child was more important to me then our relationship..I knew that I could count on my mom and the plan was for her to come stay with me and help as she had with all my other sisters, she passed away 3 months into my pregnancy, which brought my sister and I back together and I needed her more then ever because she is now taking over the roll of my mom when baby comes. The whole experience is scary and stressful but yet exciting. I would have loved to call my sister when it came to dr appointments, symptoms etc and get some advice (She is a mother of 3) those first few months. A child is a beautiful thing. I'm sure she will struggle over the next few years and having a support system and an older sister to experience everything with I personally think would be best, but to be able to have a relationship with your new niece/nephew and your sister in the future sounds better than a lecture now. Good Luck with what ever you decide-it will be whats best.

KUGirl09 · April 2014

I'm grateful that I can have my freak out here, and with my mom. I can only imagine that if I am nervous and freaking out as a FTM at 33, then she is probably 10 times that at 18.

@jamielcall, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. *hugs*

Unknown · April 2014

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lbonga1 · April 2014

Young age doesn't automatically make people make bad decisions. I know someone who got a girl pregnant when he was 14; they got married and now are doing really well. And yes, still happily married (he's 30 now).
In your sister's case, this pregnancy probably wasn't planned, but she still knows how it happened. She's also already decided to keep the baby. She's going to want support instead of people telling her how bad it is. My first pregnancy wasn't planned and my mom literally screamed at me when I told her and kept asking if I'd considered the other options. That just made me extremely mad at her because I personally could never give up my own baby. Your sister may feel the same way.
As for the marriage, I would just make sure she knows that that's not something that has to happen immediately, and that many people wait until after their babies are older to get married. If she still thinks marriage is a good idea at this point, I wouldn't push it further. If the marriage works out then great. If not, it's a life lesson she'll have to go through. In either case, she's an adult and should be allowed to make her own decisions.

mhbraymer · April 2014

I got pregnant at 21 with a guy I had only known for about 3 months. I got support from family friends but I knew I disappointed some people. What bugged me about the situation was every asking if were going to get married and I was not ready for that. But as someone mentioned above it worked for us. After dating for 3 years and 2 kids later we got married last summer.

KUGirl09 · April 2014

Update, technically my sister still hasn't told me. My mom and stepdad told her that she had to tell everyone personally, as her first adult step in this process. Its been 3 weeks. Now, I know she is terrified of my response, so I expected this. However, It's starting to get obvious that I know something is up, because I keep calling her (with no response) to talk about potential baby shower stuff. What woman is this insistent on talking about her baby shower... My fake excuse to get her to talk is starting to get ridiculous. Ok, sorry, this is my rant update.

I just want to talk to her about her health and baby at this point. I have some serious concerns, but the family told me that I have to wait for her to approach me. It's killing me smalls.

wandsandwine · April 2014

I have a protective older sister and she lectured me about getting pregnant even though I'm 27 and married for over 3 years (together for 9) lol. It's what big sisters do, help her be prepared but not in a cold way. Help her to be the best patent she can.

My concern would be rushing the wedding for this summer. Maybe convincing her to put it off until next year. Let her and her bf really get to know one another

Kondasa · April 2014

I agree with most people about not lecturing or giving her the cold hard truth. I think what is most important is your she is being raised by an adult parent.

From personal experience with my SIL, my advice is to support her now with words and deeds, but when the baby gets here reinforce with deeds that she is the parent and the baby is to be raised by her and her BF. Her friends are going to be going out, going to college, partying and drinking and she can't do that. Rather than giving her a lecture about it, don't aid her in doing that. I see a lot of grandparents get burned out by caring for their grandchildren so their children can do what they want (and that isn't just 18 year olds--older parents do it as well).

tamarar5 · April 2014

Actually I was n this situation while pg with my first. My SIL was 17 and pg. You aren't her parent, and you shouldn't have to act like one. However, you can still not approve of her actions and be supportive. She will need it! We all will. Try to just be her big sister. You don't have to be thrilled that you are pg together, she had friends to be excited and giddy with. Be happy, be helpful, be supportive. Let her know you are there for her in whatever capacity thou and your spouse can be (baby sitting, friendship, financial, etc!)

Be prepared to hear complaints from her about the number of people who aren't supportive. I guess my suggestion is be her friend AND sister.

Congrats! You're going to be an auntie.

abnelsen22 · April 2014

Too bad she hasn't told you yet. Give her time, she's probably adjusting.

I would not lecture and I wouldn't be excited, either. I would probably pull on my therapist hat and ask her a lot of (very neutral, nonjudgmental) questions. And then I would validate, validate, validate. Validating someone's experience doesn't mean you agree with them. It just means you are trying to be supportive and understand.

tealowl · April 2014

ChoicesMom said:

Ok, I haven't had time to read all the responses but here are my thoughts. I got pregnant with DD at 19. Completely unplanned, on BC, only been with SO for a few months and we were in NO WAY ready to have a baby. We lived a party lifestyle and yea, it was not a safe environment for a baby.

Needless to say our families were less than pleased. The first few months of my pregnancy were made even worse because of the reactions of everyone we knew. I didn't blame them, they had every right to be scared and upset, but I will say that every single person who said something nice I remember. My uncle congratulated my parents when he was told, my grandpa reminded my mom that a baby is a blessing no matter it's circumstances. Those moments stick with me and still make me cry. The fact that I had people supportive of me and allowing me to be excited no matter how scared they were for me really meant a lot.

** quote fail***

That reminds me of when my Mom told my grandma when I was pregnant at 19, all she said about us was, "Well, we'll just have to love them more then."

Oh man, I'm teary eyed just thinking about it. I miss my grandma.

KUGirl09 · April 2014

Update again! Thank you all so much for the amazing advice and personal experiences with similar situations. I took your advice, and told her I would be here for her no matter what, but that this is going to be a long hard path. She seemed surprised that I was as calm as I was about it, but thanks to all of you, I was able to take several deep breaths before I sat down and talked with her. I set her up with the baby bargains book, and gave her my extra copy of "I'm Pregnant" and links to Scary Mommy, and a few other satirical mommy blogs to at least give her a dose of reality mixed with some great guidance from other moms. I hope it helps.

My mom had me when she was 17, and I know her story, and how incredibly difficult it was, even with her family supporting her. I hope that my sister will have an easier path. Thank you all again.

dogperson11 · April 2014

KUGirl09 said:
Update again! Thank you all so much for the amazing advice and personal experiences with similar situations. I took your advice, and told her I would be here for her no matter what, but that this is going to be a long hard path. She seemed surprised that I was as calm as I was about it, but thanks to all of you, I was able to take several deep breaths before I sat down and talked with her. I set her up with the baby bargains book, and gave her my extra copy of "I'm Pregnant" and links to Scary Mommy, and a few other satirical mommy blogs to at least give her a dose of reality mixed with some great guidance from other moms. I hope it helps.

My mom had me when she was 17, and I know her story, and how incredibly difficult it was, even with her family supporting her. I hope that my sister will have an easier path. Thank you all again.

Awesome that you were able to have a calm conversation with her and offer her some great resources! I hope she stays open with you - sounds like you had a great start to this hard journey.

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Baby sister Pregnant in High School - How to approach?

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