Does the guilt ever subside?

Tylynngrace · April 2014

I ran into a girl that I went to high school with today and she of course asked how DS is and whatnot but then she went on to ask why he came early, I tried explaining and this is what I got "well what did you do to make that happen? you had to have done something wrong, babies don't just come early." As if I didn't feel guilty enough she has to say her piece. I don't understand how people can be so ignorant.

I feel so awful about my body basically rejecting DS and I constantly apologize to him even though he doesn't understand any of this at the tender age of 5 months old. I feel like the eating disorder I struggled with for 6 years may have caused it. I was told I couldn't have babies, I was 93 pounds and not stable to carry a child. Then I found out I was pregnant with my miracle child and I got my act together. I did all of the right things but my body still wasn't strong enough. If I didn't starve and hurt my body for so many years maybe things would've been different. I apologize to Ashton everyday for hurting his mommy because I'm the only mommy he'll ever have and I wasn't being fair. I constantly tell him I'm sorry that he had to go through so much just to live when I shouldn't done it for him. At the same time I thank him for being so much stronger than I was because I could've helped myself a long time ago but I was afraid to. I just feel like such a bad mom all the time for not giving him the life he deserves. He shouldn't have had to fight like he did.

ziggy903 · April 2014

(((hugs)))

First of all, you did NOTHING wrong. These things just happen, and they can't be explained. Your boy is doing fantastic and he's got a great mother who cares for him more than anything else in the world.

Second- You're definitely not alone. I feel that way too, especially explaining what happened.
People ask me why I was in the hospital for so long, how my labor was(it wasn't), etc. I explain that he was 8 weeks early and people go "oh, he couldn't wait to meet you!" And I have to say "no, his umbilical cord stopped working and we had to do a c-section to save his life"
Then they ask me why his bladder is all fucked up and people (who I don't talk to anymore) have actually told me that it's my fault and I must have done something wrong to make it happen.
People who haven't been through the preemie thing and the NICU thing simply don't understand. They can't- it has to be lived. That's why we ladies here need each other so much.

Please do me a favor, and talk to your doctor about ppd. Even if you didn't show signs before, the things you're saying are a lot like what I was feeling before and I'm doing a lot better with some help. Ppd can show up anytime during the first year after you give birth.

gault530 · April 2014

Like the PP said, you didn't do anything wrong to cause your son to be born early. I had my twins at 26w because my body couldn't keep up and I've never had an eating disorder, so don't blame yourself.

I had someone ask me what I did wrong to cause them to be born early. I was stunned and didn't know what to say. I believe I mumbled "nothing." People are ignorant and shouldn't be judging you, but unfortunately they will. Your reaction to it is what matters. You know that you took care of yourself while pregnant and did the best you can do. That's what counts.

I'm also a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Did I want my children to be born early, struggle to live, eat and breath, absolutely not (I don't know who would), but I will learn from the experience. Try to focus on the things your taking away from this and the ways that you're growing as a person, not what others who have no idea think.

Big hugs to you, it's hard.

Throw3ks · April 2014

I would tell this friend to go to a class on sensitivity and to STFU. Hopefully when you run into her again your LO will be old enough to slap her.

DrRx · April 2014

((((hugs))))) You did not do anything wrong, and it is not possible to tell with certainty what may have caused your LO to come early. This unkind person you spoke with deserves to be put in their place for being such a completely horrible example of a human being.

It's been a little over 2 years since my 26-weeker came and I will say that the guilt did subside for me. However, I do think that you might want to seek out some help in talking with someone--your OB, counselor, etc, and see if you also may be suffering from PPD. PPD is very common in parents of preemies, and oftentimes doesn't show up until well after birth because so many of us are in survival mode at first.

JoJoGee · April 2014

Wow. I'm sorry you had to deal with such insensitivity. Honestly, what a terrible thing to say!

I felt very much like you Lily's first year of life. My struggle was compounded by the ever growing list of milestones Lily was missing. I knew why I had to deliver early - HELLP syndrome - and I blamed myself because I am overweight. Even though, all the literature says 'there is no known reason for HELLP syndrome,' even though my doctors told me there was nothing that I could have done, even though I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy up until the night I was admitted for HELLP syndrome, I still blamed myself.

Three years out, here is what I can tell you... My child struggles because my body failed her. I don't say that in a blameful way. I don't beat myself up about it anymore because I have accepted that there was nothing I could have done. But, the facts clearly show that all my daughters issues are a result of her prematurity, and my daughter was born prematurely because my body tried to kill us both. It's as simple as that.

Like everyone else, I would suggest seeing a therapist. I did for a while. Therapy is a great place to share your emotions freely without the fear of being judged. (Hugs)

Pips09 · April 2014

I'm really upset for you. Of course you did NOTHING wrong, but even when we know that in our heads, it's hard to really believe it. I'm so sorry you had someone say something to you.

Brummy14 · April 2014

Ugh. That girl needs a reality check. I, too, choose to not use a filter for those who can't use one themselves. She would have earned herself an earful from me.

The guilt itself does slowly subside. I don't know if it will ever go away. Especially when I see DD2 struggle with her incredibly low muscle tone and how significantly behind her sister she is -- and wondering what that will mean for her in the long run. ::hugs::

Tylynngrace · April 2014

Thanks ladies, I think I will go to a doctor and see if they can help me. I was in therapy for a number of years and I found one I really liked but I couldn't afford it. I think I'll see if my new insurance will cover it.

flerlgirl · April 2014

Your friend sounds like a tool.

There is nothing you could have done. I think people want to find something to blame because it makes them feel better. But the reality is that sometimes things just happen. Your baby is so lucky to have a mother who cares about him so much. I feel the guilt that you're talking about all the time. So I guess I would ask you what you would tell me in this situation. I bet you wouldn't blame me. And no one blames you. Because it isn't your fault. Big hugs to you and I hope you start to feel better soon.

Tylynngrace · April 2014

Cassidy & Peter said:

@ Tylynngrace

I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed after I turned 18 years old. I do not think it caused Atlas to come early, but I fear all the anger I've stored and pushed down my entire life stressed him out. I stopped self-harming when I found out I was pregnant, but feel like God had this upset with me. That I've been too angry, bitter, and jaded my whole life and this was the return for it. I apologize for not knowing or having any signs of preterm labor - I felt like I should know.

I did everything right. I didn't self-harm, didn't drink at all, ate well, did yoga! I mean...

You did nothing wrong. When you look at everything all the details and see you did all that you could. That's all you can do. Sadly, it won't change anything now either.

I find myself toying with the idea of returning to therapy - on my own terms this time. Because I feel this unnatural anger and hatred toward my pregnant friends and family. I even feel it toward fellow preemie moms who only stayed in the NICU a week or so.

If your insurance cannot cover it, consider talking to a chaplain or other somewhat official. I'm toying with this idea mostly due to my distrust and hatred of therapists and counselors. I'm not really a religious person anymore, just another idea of someone you could talk to.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality when I was 17, and I know exactly how you feel. I feel like I'm constantly so angry at my friends that have perfect pregnancies. My friend that is 16 (I'm only 19) had a baby two months before I had Ashton and she had the perfect pregnancy and even after her pregnancy everythings been easy, then again if my parents raised my kid my life would be easy too. But I try to be happy for my friends but I can't seem to do it because I'm so bitter. And I don't know if any amount of meds or therapy will help that.

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