STM+ Help w/toddler sleep!!

99frontier · April 2014

XP on Attachment Parenting and Aug '12 boards.

DS is almost 20 months old. He has never been a good sleeper. Finally, when he turned around a year old, we took down the crib & I began co-sleeping with him (queen bed in his room w/bedrail) so we could both get more rest. He nurses to sleep for his nap & nurses before bed (but not to sleep) for bedtime. My boobs have become his lovey (he likes to just reach his hand in my shirt, then he’s suddenly comforted).

His major issue is that he needs ME to fall asleep. He has never been able to go down for bed unless I am in the room with him, right by the bed. I tried Ferber (HATED it…CIO is NOT for us) when he was around 9 months. I tried a version of the Sleep Lady Shuffle around 12 months with the help of a hired sleep consultant, but he started teething fiercely & when he teethes, his separation anxiety goes off the charts so I had to stop…hence the co-sleeping. For a while, I would lay down with him until he fell asleep, then he would sleep until about 10pm, then I would go to bed with him. Fine. But now, I’m 19 weeks pregnant & freaking out about what will happen when baby #2 arrives.

I’m trying to get to where he can go to bed without me so that when the next baby comes, I’m not having to leave baby #2 for 30+ minutes while I go lay down with DS until he falls asleep (DH works 3^rd shift every other month, so baby would be alone). So, I’m trying the Shuffle again, but he just will not fall asleep unless he is touching me, & for the last 2 weeks that I’ve been trying to attempt the Shuffle (haven’t gotten far), he has started waking up every 30 min-1hr after bed & will just sit there & cry for me until I go in & comfort him back to sleep.

Suggestions?? Help please?!?

boymomstrong · April 2014

This sounds so rough! I cant imagine how you must feel every night! I can tell you how we did it but it may not be what you want to try, so take it for what its worth....
We weaned all night time nursing, then we would rock till he was calm and comfortable then put him down, we waited 20 min would comfort again until he was calm and then again left him for 20 min... And so forth until he slept, it took us 4 days and we could lay him down and he would go right to sleep... But for us nothing worked until all night time nursing was done, and we needed a crib to contain him so he could not follow us...
I am so sorry your stressed i cant even imagine how you feel... Good luck, and i hope it works out, come back and update so we can know how it turned out...

shevaCC · April 2014

I currently cosleep with DD (23 months). I haven't yet worried about bedtime once the new baby is here, but in the last month she's started letting DH comfort her MOTN occasionally. I still put her to sleep (usually nursing). About a month ago she went through another sleep regression, but since then has consistently been STTN or soothing herself back to sleep without waking me up for the first time in her life. In August, I think we'll all have to adjust. Perhaps I'll keep the bedtime snuggle duty, but DH already realizes I'll be on MOTN baby duty so he'll be on toddler soothing duty, if necessary. One thing that will help you is talking to your son about it. I would imagine he is becoming increasingly more verbal by the day. DD understands so much now. I can't reason with her but I can explain things and that helps with so much. Good luck!

Lawgrl04 · April 2014

I understand your resistance to CIO. You may decide that you just can't do it, but I want to share my experience with you because I have definitely struggled with kids' sleep issues.

My first kid learned to sleep without the CIO method, so I though it wasn't necessary. Then I had my second kid. Oh my, totally different sleeper! I resisted CIO for months. When he was 4 months old and became socialized, he refused to sleep and would be awake long stretches at night.

After two months of my hardly sleeping, I was desperate. I finally let him CIO. I nursed him, then put him down and did not go back in the room. It took 3 nights and not much crying (50 min the first night, 15 the next, 5 min the third night, then none thereafter). Every time he cried, I would sit outside his room and listen. I'm telling you, I could hear him start to comfort himself, cuddling with his blanky, calming down. He learned to put himself to sleep. He simply didn't know how before. Let me add that my second son was - and still is - super dramatic. He sounded like a baby on fire when he did cry and it hurt my heart to listen to him. But he learned a life skill and he's been a good sleeper ever since.

The older your kid is, the harder it is to let them cry it out. It is good if you address this now. I would put him in a crib and just do it. I was amazed at how quickly my son learned once I really committed to it. Months of sleep deprivation ended for me after a few short nights.

I know this is a challenging issue. I hope it gets better for you soon - good luck!

BeachM · April 2014

My only advice is Ferber, and ditto pp who said that the older the kid is the harder it's going to be. You're not making him cry, you're teaching him how to sleep which is a very important life skill. 3 nights and it will more than likely be over. Consistent nap times and consistent bedtimes help because they know what to expect, but any change is going to result in resistance from LO no matter how minor you think the change is.

Good luck! For me, weighing the long term effects of sleep deprivation outweighs whatever the internet will tell you are the evils are of letting your child cry a bit.

caballablanca · April 2014

DD is 20 months and has been sleeping horribly lately. During the day I've been doing more things outside to get her tired such as playing at the playground, going to the zoo, running around the arboretum etc. and I think that helps with sleeping. On the days it's rainy and nasty outside, if we just stay home and play with her toys she sleeps horrible again. She goes to sleep with her lullabies and sometimes I still have to hold her for 30 mins before I lay her down. Sometimes I let her fuss for 10 mins at a time, but usually she is so tired she never makes it to the 10 minutes.

99frontier · April 2014

Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to read my novel of a post and reply!! DS is night-weaned, so that doesn't wake him up. I've gone back and forth about fully weaning him before baby #2 arrives but I haven't been at peace with the idea yet so I'm still holding on (and so is he for that matter!). I talk to him and tell him that when he goes night-night, mommy just goes to the living room. I've decided that for the next week or so, I'm going to put him in his bed during our bedtime routine and leave the room to walk to the living room with all doors open so he can see me for a few minutes, talking to him the whole time. Maybe that will help cement it into his mind that "mommy is just in the living room". I'm also going to try keeping his door open...maybe he feels trapped? Nap time is very consistent and bedtime is consistent within 30 mins either way. DH can't take on the major night-comforting roll because he works night shift for a month at a time. I have read the No Cry Sleep Solution and probably need to skim through it again. DS's pediatrician has been telling us to let him cry since pretty early on, but we had such a bad experience with CIO the first time that I can't bring myself to do it again...DS cried for almost 3 hours while we did the Ferber check-ins and finally, during one of the check-ins, I leaned in to give him a quick hug and the poor baby passed out against my cheek within about 3 seconds while still sitting up. I cried for an hour after that. The next night was almost as long and he fell asleep when I just leaned in to kiss his forehead! I know it works for some, but I agree with jillielizabeth, it's not for all kids and I think mine is in that category! Praying that baby #2 will be a ridiculously wonderful sleeper and none of this will even be an issue (HA! wishful thinking...)! Thanks again ladies!!!

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