Declining an Offer for a Baby Shower

MJC1116 · March 2014

A good friend at work asked me who in my family was throwing my shower. I told her nobody since this is my second and she seemed surprised. I told her I think it's tacky to have a shower after your first (whoops, no filter). I think I hurt her feelings...first because she had 2 showers for 2 different kids and second because (I later found out), she and a couple of other friends were planning on throwing me a shower this time around. I feel badly for my blunt reaction, but don't expect a shower. So I guess my question is which is worse: having a shower for a 2nd child to be polite and gracious to a friend who wants to throw it or follow etiquette with not having a shower and hurting a friend's feelings? (She truly is a generous and selfless friend. She's not do it out of obligation or for recognition.)

lexusolsen · March 2014

I don't think you handled it as well as you could have. If you had been more tactful then her feelings wouldn't have been hurt.

LucilleAustero · March 2014

You handled that really poorly, particularly since you knew she had a second shower.

If it comes up again, just say thanks, but no thanks.

MJC1116 · March 2014

I agree it wasn't my finest moment...but I didn't know she had two showers until she mentioned it later (she's about 10 years older than me so I didn't know her when she had her kids). I did apologize for my poor reaction...I just didn't know if I should accept the shower or not.

lexusolsen · March 2014

MJC1116 said:
I agree it wasn't my finest moment...but I didn't know she had two showers until she mentioned it later (she's about 10 years older than me so I didn't know her when she had her kids). I did apologize for my poor reaction...I just didn't know if I should accept the shower or not.

No, you were right about that. If you already apologized then there is nothing else you can do.

VOR · March 2014

There is a huge middle ground, obviously. ANYONE can decline ANY shower offer. But a more gentle "Thanks for the offer, but I'd prefer not to have one" is probably ideal. No one hsould have one just to be "polite", because you'll be inviting people who may think it's rude anyhow. I'd rather say no than have people rolling their eyes at me!

LucilleAustero · March 2014

MJC1116 said:

I agree it wasn't my finest moment...but I didn't know she had two showers until she mentioned it later (she's about 10 years older than me so I didn't know her when she had her kids). I did apologize for my poor reaction...I just didn't know if I should accept the shower or not.

Glad you apologized. It is okay to say "thank you for you generous offer, but I would prefer not to have one ." If asked, you can just say that second showers are not done in in your family/ circle of friends and you would not be comfortable with one.

kimberlymautz · April 2014

I think if someone else throws you a shower it's okay, though if you would have basically requested one it would have been awful. You could have handled it better, but maybe suggest a lunch or something before the new baby comes instead.

ArgyleBride · April 2014

Ouch, foot-in-mouth. Unfortunately, I don't think accepting the shower mends the fence in this case, it just adds an etiquette breach. I feel bad for you, that must feel awful. If I were you, I'd pay really close attention to her in the next few weeks to figure out something she might want/need and surprise her with it, just to show you value her (if not her offer). Some humility in your apology might help as well--of the "I don't know what I was thinking, assuming my family's way was the only right way. Thought I'd gotten over that one in college!" or something to placate.

Declining an Offer for a Baby Shower

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