Jealousy

Cocoasushi · April 2014

I recently lost my son at 19 weeks. He had spina bifida and hydrocephaly, and extremely stunted growth. It was a very traumatic experience, but I've been able to keep my head on straight most of the time. I have my days where all I want to do is be left alone and cry, but who of us doesn't have those days? I know he wasn't strong and that there was nothing that could have been done, but losing him has been very hard on me. He was the first boy to be born into this generation of our families. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, my little cousin also found out the same. Our babies even had due dates close together, only two weeks apart. I was and still am very excited for her and her new baby. I've not felt any resentment or jealousy towards her... until now.

Today, she reached 20 weeks. We don't live near each other, so I've not personally seen her in a while. Today, I finally saw a picture of her from the waist up. She's glowing. She's beautiful. She's smiling. She's happy. Her belly is so round and perfect. When I saw the picture, I couldn't hold back the tears. For the first time since losing my son almost a month ago, I got jealous of another mom. Not just any mom either, but my own cousin. Not only am I finding myself jealous that her pregnancy is going perfectly, but I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. It's all hit me at once, and it's driving me crazy. I can't sleep tonight because of it. I don't want to feel this way towards her or anyone for that matter. I genuinely love her and her unborn baby, but part of me is saying, "I can't wait to meet your little bundle of joy" and another part is screaming in agony knowing that we should be going down this path together, but instead I won't be having a baby this summer alongside my little cousin. Do these feelings ever end? Please tell me this is not going to be a normal thing for me. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason even if we never know what that reason may be, and I know that if I am meant to have another child it will be. I'm not an angry or jealous person either. Not in the least. I've not been truly jealous of anything or anyone since high school for crying out loud.

I know the grieving process does include anger, but jealousy is a new thing for me altogether. Is it just me? Does anyone else ever get like this? If you do have the same kind of feelings, do you enrage like I feel like I'm doing now? How do you handle these things? I just feel lost tonight...

meredithcarole · April 2014

My cousin is due in a few weeks. She is 7 years younger than I and naming her daughter after my beloved grandmother. I always assumed I would be the one to do that. I have struggled with resentment of her pregnancy while I was ttc and especially after my mc. I wish her the best, but of course I wish it were me. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Jealousy and sadness do not make you a mean or bitter person, just human. It is hard, but I try to remember that in celebrating someone else's happiness or success, even where I have not had the result I wanted, I am being the person I want to be. I still find myself experiencing a wide range of emotions (some negative, of course) and I allow myself to have those thoughts, but once acknowledged I try to take a deep breath, dry my tears and let them go.

Campow83 · April 2014

My best friend and I were exactly a month apart, she's due in May and I was due in June. I list my baby at 2 months. I just went to her baby shower on Sunday which I greatly struggled going to but tried to remember I wanted to be there for her and that it wasn't about me. I felt extreme jealousy but I know that normal. Sangria was the best thing at that shower

jneden · April 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss!! I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for feeling this way. The grieving process is filled with many emotions. You need to allow yourself to go through all of them. I think its normal that you would feel some jealousy but it does not mean you will love your cousin's baby any less. Hang in there and take it one day at a time.

Vintagelove4 · April 2014

My best friend is due eight days before I was. I don't think the jealousy ever completely goes away, it just gets less. My thought process has been at least one of us will get to hold her baby. It doesn't help much though.

LisaG09 · April 2014

I am also feeling jealousy which isn't like me normally either. I'm just trying to take the emotions as they come no matter how mean or nasty they are. Accept them for what they really are, grief.

ambmama · April 2014

Ticker warning.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My cousin (who is almost the same age as me and we were competitive growing up) just announced her pregnancy. She is due in august - I was supposed to be due in oct. It's so hard to see her u/a pictures. I think jealousy is a natural part of the healing process - don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and give yourself some distance if you need to. Hugs to you!

nohalo21 · April 2014

Time heals all wounds. I'm sure the feelings will never go away, they will just lessen. I'm about a month out from our loss and have good and bad days. I just let the emotions come and let the tears flow (assuming I'm not in public). In time I'm sure the feelings you are having won't be as great. In the meantime don't get upset with yourself.

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