Breaking the cycle (heavy childhood content)

aditigirl · March 2014

This will be long and ramble-y. Please feel free to skip.

For those of you who had less than stellar childhoods, how to break he cycle?

****PLEASE DONT QUOTE***

My parents were drug addicts and spanked me. My dad used his anger to manipulate me to the point that I was afraid of upsetting him EVER. It was a super unhealthy dynamic. My mom was a yeller. Any little thing would set her off and there was no stopping her.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVED both of my parents dearly and wish I could turn to them. But I don't want to make the same mistakes, and as I'm being slapped in the face repeatedly by my 18 month old DD, I feel the urge to scream at her. She's a baby. It makes me wonder wtf is wrong with me? How can I change that urge? I feel like a world class asshole for even feeling this way.

Tl;dr, I'm messed up and need advice from others who can commiserate.

shadypines · March 2014

Here to offer hugs!!!!!

nancy30005 · March 2014

I think you and I grew up in similar situations. There are a few of us here that share this background.

Here's what is helping (I'm currently trying to curb screaming as well). Feel free to PM me anytime!

1. Therapy
2. Reading and trying to understand my past
3. Mommy time outs
4. Xanax (not even kidding)
5. The ladies of TB

Good luck, and as PP have said, recognizing it is awesome. Sending you lots of hugs. Kids are jerks and at least you only have the "urge" to scream. I scream. I don't like it, but I'm a work in progress.

You're such a sweetheart, and I know you're an amazing mom.

:-*

Unknown · March 2014

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MrsT0514 · March 2014

Here to offer many hugs and some support. I think therapy is an excellent suggestion. There are some weeks I swear my counselor holds me together when I feel like I'm mentally on the fritz.

Also, allowing yourself the opportunity to walkaway when needed is a great piece of advice as well. I'm sorry you're struggling. But don't ever feel like a bad mother. The fact that you are aware of this means you're an awesome mom. Hang in there.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

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jesuisfatiguee · April 2014

I barely go here, but I hope you don't mind my input.

First, I suggest reading Toxic Parents. It was a major eye-opener and I found it really edifying. Here's a link to the Dropbox.

Second, conscious breathing and talking about my feelings helps me if I get a chance to feel the outburst build up, and if it doesn't catch me by surprise (which has happened more than I'd like to admit). I'll often say something like, "I am feeling really frustrated right now, and I need to calm down. You (DS) are just a baby, and you deserve to be treated with respect." I don't know if this is the "right" thing to do, but it seems to help. I never say anything like, "I want to yell at you," and try to keep it baby-friendly

I read an article that talked about people trying to get babies to smile or laugh at them, and getting butthurt when it didn't work out. It said something to the affect of, "You are the adult. You need to regulate your own emotions, and not allow a child who is incapable of doing so control your feelings or behavior." That really stuck with me. I am an adult, and I do have a choice in how I react to a situation. I can treat my son with the love and respect that I didn't always receive as a child. And like PP said, making mistakes does NOT make you a bad parent. You ARE breaking the cycle.

---Please don't quote beyond this line (and I will probably edit it out later)---

I'm going to try to be vague about some of my experiences, because I don't want to sound like I'm trying to compare. Because after all, there is no hierarchy of abuse. We survivors are all in this together, IMO.

I come from an abusive family, and I have cut ties with them. [edit] From what you've written, it sounds like you are already breaking the cycle. The fact that you catch yourself when you yell, that you are seeking ways to put a stop to it altogether - you are breaking it, and you are doing a wonderful job. You are not alone in this struggle, and it takes a lot of work not to give in and fall into flawed, yet familiar ways.

You can PM me if you ever want to talk.

TiffanyBerry · April 2014

I had an emotionally abusive childhood. I decided that I learned what *not* to do in being a parent from my experience. Now I just had to figure out what to do.

Honestly, I'm going to suggest counseling, and maybe even years of it. It took me years of counseling, and years of studying yoga philosophy, and I'm in such a better place about it all. I think of it not that I'm fixing something terribly wrong, but that I'm improving something I think could be better.

Unknown · April 2014

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BladeDancer · April 2014

From what it sounds like you have taken the necessary steps to try to break the cycle of violence that you experienced as a child and I commend you for that. It is not always easy to do but just know that you can do it. Even if you get upset and yell sometimes doesn't make you a bad parent. Making mistakes is part of being a parent.It sound like you are doing a great job.

pandaglitter · April 2014

For me, I have to learn what I wasn't taught, which was how to react in a calm, understanding manor. I'm learning. I apologize when I make mistakes. I explain my feelings to my daughter. I do what my parents didn't. And I listen to her and how she feels. I show her that I love and care about her even though I'm mad.

My parents were pretty absent but my mom dated abusive assholes. I have a lot of anger. My initial reaction is anger sometimes. It fucking sucks. I hate being so upset and angry. Therapy for three years has helped. And then just focusing on how I'm feeling. When she does something that upsets me I ask myself why I'm upset. And then I ask myself if it affects me. Is it really going to ruin my life if she dumped all of her crayons out over her bedroom? Is it going to matter tomorrow if she asks me twelve times if she can have candy after I told her no and to not ask again? Even though I'm frustrated, usually it's about trivial things and I have to recognize that and even though my feelings are really strong, I control my reaction. Even though I'm overwhelmed and want to yell, I try (and sometimes fail) to walk away/ask for quiet time/have her do an activity without me. If I let my emotions get the best of me I apologize.

It is far from easy and it takes awhile to change how your brain reacts, but you are a wonderful mother for caring enough to want to change and stop the cycle. You are a wonderful mother whenever you try. Take it one day at a time. One moment at a time sometimes. And give yourself credit for doing something difficult.

FalconCrest · April 2014

I just want to offer hugs to you. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. Remember that every day is a new day and a fresh start. PM me if you ever want to talk

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