Adoption From Fostercare

lilmufish · March 2014

Well, I was really involved in this forum, maybe 4-5 years ago. Life got busy and I sort of fell away, especially since we took the route of just fostering for awhile, instead of fostering to adopt.   Well, now we're in a situation where we might be able to adopt. So I guess, i'm jumping into the adoption world again.

We have 3 foster children and were asked last week if we would "consider" adopting our three kids. First, it wouldn't happen for a long time, but second, we're not 100% sure we can do it. We love the children, but can't imagine adopting their birth family too. What is stopping us - is the Birth Grandmother. We can handle one of the grandfathers, he has their other sibling. But this Grandmother is a piece of work. We know it's important to connect children to their birth family, but BGM is unstable. She is manipulative and downright deceptive. The team sees her as "kin" which means she gets to demand stuff.   Examples of two things she's done: Christmas, she sent them christmas presents (we added them up over $1000 in gifts for EACH child), as well as a christmas letter stating that she knows they won't get anything in foster care because fostercare is horrible (um, seriously? we gave them a ton!), also she wants to let them know their mom is toxic...   Who tells that to children who are working towards reunification?          Our favorite is that she knows our middle foster child is allergic to a food, and on a visit that she showed up to she gave her that item, and we ended up at the doctor and having health problems the following week. she played dumb "oh I didn't know she was allergic to milk?"   Seriously? BS.   The GAL made her apologize to us during the team meeting. It was like a 3 yr old apologizing to a sibling for hitting them, forced and only doing it because she was in trouble. Yet the team is catering to her demands of these "visits" It makes us sick to think of the kids going on these unsupervised visits with this woman.

Our concern is that if we adopt we do not want her in the childrens lives...or at least limit their exposure to her. Does anyone have experience with this? Can we do that? or is it an entire package.   A friend of mine told me that in our state, foster care adoptions are "closed" and that once the adoption goes through it's up to us. But it seems slimey to lie just to get through the adoption. It's stressful enough that we are trying to make that decision of adoption, but to have this added dymanic makes it very anxiety provoking.

Thanks for letting me vent.

lilmufish · March 2014

Grandfather will have "official" guardianship over brother at the end of the month. He's been OK to deal with, He's "always busy" and rarely has time for alot - but he's cordial and respectful. No problems, per-se with him. We get aggravated with him, but nothing that is too extreme. He even helped Mom get to a few visits - which was great to hear.

Grandmother (not married to above) is unstable. She has no agreement, and as far as I know no rights. In fact, she was the first placement, and she put them back into foster care because she couldn't handle them. She's all over the place. And in our state she's "kin" so she can make demands. We don't make statements - we're fairly quiet in that aspect. We are vocal when needed - like when our 2 yr old came home from a visit soaked in urine. That deserved a phone call to the caseworker. However, gm - we really haven't voiced alot - because we don't know what we want to say or how we want to say it. Working with her, is like walking on egg shells. She can be demanding, or she can be fake nice. We're still processing it right now, not sure how to handle it. But, in an ideal world she'd be cooperative so we can continue that relationship - if we adopt them. Unfortunately, this seems to be 'normal' for her.

Well, at the discussion of TPR, came monthly visits with grandmother - entire day visits. We're sick to our stomach to think this might actually happen. And if it does, what will happen when we remove them if we adopt.

CeCe8579 · March 2014

I agree with the pps! I know connection to the BF is important but if it's more detrimental them helpful with a BFM, I would be honest about it. I would document and save proof of what you are seeing from the grandmother.

mtendere · March 2014

If grandma is the only thing keeping you from adopting these kids, then you need to let someone know - caseworker or GAL/CASA. And maybe that you would only be willing to have letters/pictures written into any kind of agreement. In some states, conditions on the adoption can be binding if they were a condition of relinquishment, but in most cases, they are not, so you would also need to find that out. And you can say - we want them to maintain connection, but will not commit to visits, etc.

I'd hate for grandma to be the reason these kids had to be bumped to another home and I'm guessing no one else wants that either but it's easier to appease grandma than fight her. If you aren't already documenting all of the stuff with grandma, it would be a great time to start.

GAPeachTTC · March 2014

It seems like you could terminate the relationship with her after adoption. Does she have any idea of your names, or were you live, however? It seems like she could insert herself in the future if she has any of her personal info.

CaptainSerious · April 2014

Also, her behavior might tone down after an adoption. I've heard of many cases where everything is fine with the birth family up until TPR is close, and then members of the birth family start acting aggressively towards the foster parents out of resentment and repressed anger at the situation. The foster parents are the target because they are the ones getting to raise the kids, and they see them as adversaries.

After adoption and some time passes, these same family members often realize that they just miss the kids, and will do whatever they can to see them, even if that means behaving appropriately towards them and the foster parents. In time, some of them even realize that it was the best situation for all involved.

mommytoconnor · April 2014

You don't have to lie thru the process, state that you, if you want, will send updates via email with pics periodically and that is it. Once you adopt it is up to you how much contact they have. I would not hesitate in any way to tell them how it is and that if you decide to adopt these kids this is what's going to happen. I would also be very forthcoming with judge, lawyers etc about how she is. Even if she is "kin" there is a reason why she isn't an option for placement for these kids and the caseworker knows it. If need be change your number. You don't need people like that in your lives. Good luck to you.

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