Born Sleeping... How much time did you have?

Jesse835235 · March 2014

**Ticker**

I feel weird asking this, and maybe it's been asked before but I just couldn't find it. For those of you whose angels were born sleeping, how much time did you have with them? Did your significant other or yourself give them a bath still? We have a very, very poor prognosis and the doctors believe our son will be ready to go any day now. We tried to have an open fetal surgery to fix his heart, but they said he was too sick and they wouldn't do the surgery anymore. Now on top of his heart condition (aneurysm which makes his heart two times bigger, plus only half of his heart is functioning), he has severe hydrops.

I'm just trying to prepare as best as I can. If you have any other recommendations for me (and anyone else in these situations), I'm all ears.

LyndseyTS · March 2014

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're here, but I'm glad that you've found us - this board has made such a difference to me in our loss. Our daughter was also very sick (diagnosed with Turner's Syndrome from early on) and had fetal hydrops among other challenges.I will be thinking of you and praying that all goes as well as it can considering the circumstances.
We had about 4 hours with our daughter. Our experience wasn't necessarily the norm, though. As for recommendations, I don't have many, but here's what I wish I would have done (or am glad that I did do).
Take pictures. You might not want to and you might never look at them, but you can't go back and get them again. We initially had a photographer lined up and were talked out of it. It remains my biggest regret. If you have any special items you have for him, bring them. You can use them in the pictures or however you like, but they will become keepsakes. Also hold your son if you're up for it. Those are some of the best memories that I have and I'm so glad that I was able to hold our daughter for a little while and cry with her and my husband. It makes it more real when I question whether or not it really happened. If the hospital offers it, have them do footprints/handprints and foot/hand molds. I think that you can also do your own if it's not something that they offer. I'm sorry that you have had to find us, but I'm glad that you did.

Jesse835235 · March 2014

Great advice. I appreciate it so much. Thank you for sharing your very personal experiences and advice with me.

gracie5107 · March 2014

**siggy warning

I am so, so sorry you are in this situation. A million prayers to you and your family.

We held our daughter for about 3 hours. After this, she started to look differently also and we decided it was time. We were able to be with her for as long as we wanted and the hospital let us know that if even after we said good-bye, we decided we wanted to see her again that day we would be able to.

The nurse bathed her and dressed her for us. We watched. The nurse also took hand prints, foot prints, and did foot molds. She cut a lock of her hair for us to keep. You might want to ask your hospital what their typical protocol is.

We wrapped her in a blanket that had been knit for her. I love my pictures of her in that blanket. We also still have the blanket and it still smells like her. I love it.

Please take pictures. I didn't think I wanted to, but the nurse convinced us to do it. She was right. We treasure those pictures so much.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. No one should have to lose a child. I will be thinking of you and praying for you all during this difficult time.

Jellybean71514 · March 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this and having to anticipate this, I can't imagine how that feels bc my boy was taken suddenly from me so I didn't have time to prepare. I agree with @aragosta‌ @LyndseyTS‌ and @gracie5107‌ to take pictures, I didn't think I wanted to at the time but my fiancé and the hospital did and I'm glad now that I have them - I still can't have them out and with me because I'm afraid it will break me but I'm comforted knowing he has them when I'm ready - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time- *hugs* to you as you go through this. Please use this board for support - it has helped me so much in the last 3 weeks while I grieve. xo

dadalou · March 2014

We were not prepared for Nathaniel to die. There was nothing wrong with him. He was full term. I was going in to be induced to have him and he was coming home with us.

I had an emergency c section so I was allowed to stay in the hospital for 3 days. I was recovered enough to leave after a day or 2, but they never even asked us when we were going to leave. We were able to have Nathaniel as much as we wanted for those 3 days. We had them take him from us overnight for the first 2 nights, but the 3rd night I kept him with me in the room.

Our hospital was amazing. We were allowed to do whatever we wanted. I'm sure we would have been able to give him a bath if we wanted to. DH wanted to change his diaper (which of course he didn't need to do) so the nurses went and found him one. We changed his clothes a few times. We took lots of pictures. There was a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that came and took professional pictures the day he was born. We invited all of our family and friends in the area to come meet him. We knew that this was the only time anyone would ever have with him so we made the most of it. Mostly we just held him.

We have absolutely no regrets about what happened while we were at the hospital. Obviously we wanted to have him live and come home with us, but that was not possible.

kz's_girlygirl · March 2014

I am so so sorry you are faced with this situation. As awful as it is, I will be thinking of you and your family, and hoping for comfort and peace.

When our son was born, we held him for about an hour, then my husband dressed him and we baptized him. We aren't religious, but we wanted to have a sort of ritual to honor his name. DH felt that baptizing Jesse would be a symbolic way for us to release his spirit into the ether. We held him for a while longer and then let him go- we just felt that he was truly gone in spirit and it felt like it was time. Before we left the hospital a few hours later we did ask to see him one more time, and held him for another 20-30 minutes. PLEASE, do not feel guilty/afraid/etc to hold your baby for as long as you want.

Like PP's have mentioned- bringing something that you have chosen or made for your son to dress him in or wrap him in is a wonderful idea. We didn't have any warning, and were unable to do this, but I wish so much that I could have wrapped him in something that was truly his.

Nurses took pictures for us and of us, and even though DH and I look terrible, the pictures that show all three of us are so precious to me. I also treasure the very last ultrasound picture of Jesse from just hours before he passed. If you can, maybe request a video- we have a video showing him moving and bouncing with a beautiful heartbeat, and It means so much that I have that.

ikrystal · March 2014

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You've already gotten great advice from PPs. We were not prepared to lose Conner and Benjamin, which is why there were last minute phone calls and decisions made without full clarity. But we did make the last minute decision to have pictures professionally taken (Bella Baby, through the hospital). That is the one thing I am so glad we changed our minds about. We had the weekend with them. Part of me wishes the funeral home came to take them earlier so I didn't have to see them change, but another part of me is so glad to have that time. The hospital we were at lets babies stay with parents until discharge. Bring things from home for your baby. We only had a couple things from home, given to them the day after they passed. I wish we had gotten things for them the day they were born. Get footprints. The hospital will get them for you, but you might want a footprint molding kit. I know I really wish I had done that. We had our babies baptized, too. We kept the baptismal water, and it is in their nursery.

I wish for strength for you during this time. My thoughts are with you as you go through this horrible, difficult experience.

cdale86 · April 2014

***Ticker***

I am so sorry for your circumstances and pray for the best possible outcome for your family. My son was very sick with a very poor prognosis (Pentalogy of Cantrell). He lived for ~5hrs but I was put under general anesthesia for an emergency c-section. I was out of it for a long time and drugged (not myself) the whole time we were with him. I echo others thoughts about pictures. I very much wish we had professional pictures taken but everything happened so quickly. I have a very nice camera and the nurses took pictures for us. I was not physically able to bathe/dress him. This is something I am still working through. I never got to see him naked. I wish SO badly that I would've been in the right state of mind to ask to see him undressed even if I wasn't capable to bathing or dressing him. I also wish I would've sung to him or read him a book. Take as much time as you need with your precious baby.

veetveet · April 2014

We spent about 9 hours with him. I did not want to bathe him- but the nurse did for me and brought him dressed and bundled up in the blanket that I brought for him.

I stripped him down- I wanted to see all of him. I wanted to see birth marks, fat rolls, wrinkles... all of it. I dressed him again and took pictures. If you are interested contact Now I lay me down to sleep to have a photo shoot arranged. It did not work out for me but I took my own pictures.

So sorry to hear about this. xo

ClaudiaStar21 · April 2014

*****Ticker warning******

My good friend lost one of her twins and sometimes I come on here and read the support posts. I just wanted to share something she had made. I'm not sure if this is the person she used but this is the item. She asked the person what kind of mold to get since it wouldn't be shipped here in time. Then she sent the mold to her person. She wears it every day. She loves it.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/89305241/custom-large-heart-fingerprint-necklace

nohalo21 · April 2014

Our daughter was born sleeping. I told my husband my plans of wanting to see her and such. He was supportive of my wishes which I am thankful for. I had a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come. She only took photos of our daughter but now I wish I had one of me holding her. You may never look at the photos but at least you have them. Our hospital prepared hand and footprints in ink and also a mold. I was able to have as much time as I wanted with her. I sung to her, told her about us, her big sister, and her grandparents. Personally I don't think I spent enough time, but even if I did I'm sure I would be wishing for more time.

It's a difficult time that no one should ever have to go through. I wish you strength during this time.

LyndseyTS · April 2014

@ClaudiaStar21 That is a great idea. There will be lots of time afterward to worry about it, but you’d have to get the mold if that’s what you were looking for. I’ve ordered a necklace as well, though it’s slightly different (https://www.etsy.com/transaction/188679756?ref=fb2_tnx_title) with the footprints the hospital took so there are lots of options if it's something that someone wants to do.

Jesse835235 · April 2014

Thanks so much, everyone. This is really helpful information. I love both of those necklaces so much. I'm definitely going to go with one of those options.

I went shopping yesterday for Josh and I'm so glad I did. That might be the only time I get to shop for him. I found nice (very small) outfit, cap, receiving blanket (he also has a quilt that was made for him and another blanket that was given to him), and some books. I went into the clinic yesterday because I hadn't felt movement in a day. He is still surviving, but not thriving. His heart rate dropped from the usual 125 mark down to 99. I'm still trusting in God that no matter what, he will be well taken care of.... whether it's by us or in heaven.

shandorfml2 · April 2014

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Our nurse bathed Ana and dressed her due to sensitive skin. We got to hold her for about 22 hours. We got to keep her in the room with us overnight. The next morning her skin began to change and I wanted to remember her how she was when she was born. We took lots of pictures (take lots and lots!!!).

If I had the opportunity to redo it, I'd want to dress her, take more pictures, look more at her body (she was wrapped up so I only saw her face). Maybe even take video. Maybe do hand molds (we got hand prints). I'd want more skin to skin with her.

(((huge hugs)))))

stefuge · April 2014

@ClaudiaStar21‌ @LyndseyTS‌ those necklaces are both beautiful - thank you for sharing!

VyD81 · April 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. People have given you great advice. As painful as this may be, I hope that the physical process will be easy for you.

Many hugs, and will be thinking about you and your baby.

Heatherhah · April 2014

I delivered our Daughter at 11:27pm and she didn't get picked up by the funeral home until 2:30pm or so the next day.

LyndseyTS · April 2014

@stefuge Thank you. I hope that it's a way I can keep her with me everyday. I have yet to receive, but am really looking forward to it. ETA: Still thinking of you at this time.

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