need advice (pg and living child mentioned)

LeighaG · March 2014

Some of you know my recent situation with my SIL (my husband's sister) but if you don't know here is the short version. At her son's first birthday party she dropped the bomb that she is pg AGAIN. It stunned me and DH so needless to say we weren't that supportive. Last week I got a text from her telling me she will no longer be treated that way and she won't do my hair anymore, and wah wah wah. She made the whole thing about herself and didn't care that it hurt our feelings. We told her we would have liked to have been told when the parents found out so we could have prepared ourselves for the party but she didn't see how that would make a difference.

I'm angry because nobody in that family cares for my feelings or those of my DH, The world revolves around her and if I had said those things to her, you can believe it would have hit the fan. On top of that my DH wants me to get over it and quit causing problems. He blames her for being insensitive but he also blames me for adding fuel to the fire. I know I do, it is just hard when she rubs my face in it all the time. We had a heated discussion last week and I know we grieve differently but I want someone to stand up to her and tel her she is being a B***h.

So my questions are 1) Have you ever dealt with a person so absorbed in themselves that they just don't care and how did you deal with it? (ps we work together) 2) Any suggestions on gently urging my DH to stand up for me or even just stand with me?

EKGibs · March 2014

Hi LeighaG. I'm very sorry for your loss. What I'm about to say might seem insensitive or rude but here it goes. First, I looked at your post history because I don't recognize your sn. I noticed that 90% of your posts are about your SIL. You really don't give a lot of support to others here. That's probably why you posted this at least 5 hours ago and nobody has responded. Secondly, (here's where it might seem insensitive but I don't mean it that way, I'm just being honest) you can't expect everyone around you to stop getting pregnant just because you had a loss. I can see how your SIL could be insensitive and self centered but it also seems like you're dwelling on it a little too much. One reason I think that is because you already posted a different thread almost identical to this one a few days ago. I'm not saying you can't be sad when someone makes a BFP announcement or go home and cry because you're upset that it's not you making the announcement or throwing a party for your little one. I'm just getting the impression that you try to make your SIL feel guilty for having children of her own. If she rubs it in your face all the time then limit your time with her. I'm also not saying to "get over it" because the loss of a baby is something you never get over. Please don't think I'm a mean or rude person but this is the impression I'm getting from your posts. I am very sorry for your loss and understand completely how painful it is to have a SIL that can have babies easily when we get passed by. (((((Hugs))))) Edit to add: I'm really not a mean person and I hope you don't think that because of my response. I read in a previous post that you used to go to therapy and that it helped. Maybe you could start it back to help you deal with your feelings and emotions? The loss of a baby is a terrible thing to go through and people who have never been through it just don't understand. More (((((hugs))))) also, sorry for the huge wall of text. I'm on my tablet.

buggirl72 · March 2014

I've re-read this post a few times. I think an important thing to remember in all of this is to control what you can control.

Would it have been nice for your SIL to let you and/or your H know prior to the party that she was expecting again? Yes. But she did not, and there is nothing you can say or do about it. You let her know that you wished it had been handled differently. Done. You cannot control how she responds.

You said in your post that you "add fuel to the fire." Stop it. It sounds like your SIL was completely in order sending you that text based on your prior posts and how this one makes it sound like you are behaving towards her. She is pregnant. Deal with it. It hurts but people in your life are going to get pregnant. You need to learn how to handle your response to it.

From your posts, it is clear you do not like her. It sounds like she is doing a favor to you by saying that she no longer wants to do your hair. Now you will not have to spend the next several months being irritated and upset about seeing her pg and hearing about her pg - because she will talk about while doing your hair. She is not required to not talk about her pg.

As far as your H - you cannot tell him how to respond to his sister or that he has to take your side. It would be nice if he was always on your side but do you really want to drive a wedge between him and his family in an attempt for him to "support" you? Men grieve differently than women. Accept that he is in a different spot than you and maybe the fact that he is going to be an uncle again does not cause him pain, or, not to the same level as it does to you.

gscoville · March 2014

Last spring, just a few months after my loss, my good friend/coworker chose the shittiest way possible to tell me about her pregnancy with her fifth child. I was invited to her house for supper as my husband was out of town for work, and in the middle of cooking supper she went to the bathroom, came out, placed a freshly peed on HPT on the table in front of me, and said "I thought I was pregnant, but now I know for sure!". She only told her own husband later that evening. I'm sure you can imagine how shocked and hurt I was, but I managed to smile, make nice comments of congratulations, and carry on to have a nice, if a bit subdued, supper with her family. It was hard, but I did it. Was it the best way to tell me? No. Was my excitement for her a bit forced, and did I have to fight back a few tears? Yes. But I pulled on my big girl panties and made do with the situation.

She thought by telling me privately she was helping, but to be honest, would there really have been any 'good' way for her to tell me? Really, I'd have been hurt no matter how it was done. My friend has never had a loss, it isn't anywhere near being on her radar, so I try to keep that fact firmly in mind when people announce their pregnancies around me. People aren't always trying to be mean or insensitive, they just don't see things the way those of us who've experienced loss do. They can't, as much as we wish they would they just don't. In the end, we can't control how they act or what they do, we can only control how we react, and whether or not we choose to nurture the hard feelings until they eat us from the inside, or work our way through them and come out the other side stronger and better able to handle the next one. To be honest, I hate that my friends even feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me, I don't want to be this perpetual hurt little soul that they can't be 'normal' around. I want them in my life and I want to be a part of theirs, so I work really hard to stay involved, go to outings, smile, show strength, and get through it, and then have my own private little cry at home and vent on the TP thread as needed. They don't need to know when I'm hurt, pissed off, or having a hard time, I'd rather not expose my vulnerabilities to them so openly. Ultimately, I have to remember that my loss should not ever mean they don't get to have full joy in their success.

Frenchteachermama · March 2014

******warning pregnancy and children mentioned below*******

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject because I went through something very similar with my identical twin sister. I'm going to spare you the long story but basically my sister has 3 children that she can barely afford and my parents just saved her and her husband from having to file from bankruptcy last spring. Fast forward to me moving to a new state and city over the summer to be closer to my sister and have the support from family close by that I've never had before. I had a miscarriage in August and ended up needing a D&C in September. She was just horrible about the whole thing, brushed it off, told me I would get pregnant again, "my friend______ didn't act this why when she had a miscarriage. Was basically just a complete insensitive biatch. Well it turns out the reason why she wanted me to get over it so quickly was because she bullied her husband into having a 4th child even though they can't afford it and she wanted me to be perfectly over my miscarriage so I could be happy for her. She announced right before xmas and ruined my holiday and the next 2 months. I worked very closely with a grief/infertility therapist to help me get through and it's 3/30 and I finally feel like I've made some progress. My sister turned everything about HER. My reaction to her was so cruel to her, I should be happy for her, she even stooped so low to say that my behavior made her want to abort her child (she just said that to guilt me).

Here is the bottom line. You cannot control what other people do or how they go about doing it. I highly recommend speaking to a professional who can give you tips and techniques on how to manage your anger and grief. Whats started to happen in your situation is that people are turning on you because of your pain and although it isn't right you don't want to end up being the one dealing with your losses AND have everyone against you.

My therapist recommended distance and a "kill her with kindness" approach where I was able to protect myself and keep her happy which in turn made her THINK I was happy for her and she stopped attacking me via text messages and through other family members. It has been the toughest time of my life but each day it gets easier. She claims that she loves me more than anything in the world but someone who does wouldn't have treated me like that. I grieve for the babies that I've lost and for my lost relationship with my identical twin.

It's never easy but she is your family and you are kind of stuck with her, try to find a way to protect yourself and to make the rest of the family think you are making peace.

Mkherren12 · March 2014

Im sorry for your loss. A similar situation happened with DH's family before we were married. His sister and sil had a huge fight over announcing when the other was still grieving. It turned into months of fighting and eventually 2-3 years of the family having no contact with DH's brother and sil and their family. I don't doubt that their are hurt feelings but do you want this to go that far? I'm not saying it will but it could. Sometimes you just have to say your peace and then move on. Also I think it would be better for your H to address his family if both of you are experiencing that same issues. If it's just you than you should say something.

LeighaG · March 2014

First I usually only post on the weekends because that is when I have a little bit of time when work is slow to post. I'm sorry that it isn't as often as it should be. Also, thanks for the advice. I don't think anyone is being mean and I'm certainly not taking it that way. Thanks for being honest and trying to help. Sometimes we need to hear things that seem harsh but are honest. I appreciate all the input. I think I will be calling my therapist this week to talk to her about it and get suggestions. For the time being I think I will just keep my distance from her so I don't say anything too bad. I have a hard time with her b/c she has done stuff like this for the entire 11 years I have been with my husband. I know I can't make her stop and I've talked to her about it and she won't stop. It's frustrating and hurtful. But you all are right. I will move on and close this door.

need advice (pg and living child mentioned)

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