Struggling Today (contains another's pregnancy and the choices she has thought of)

StacyLH24 · March 2014

After a home visit today I was scrolling through FB. I came across the wife of one of C's cousins and noticed an ultra sound pic as her profile picture. We aren't friends on FB, nor do we have a whole lot to do with this particular family. Naturally I was curious so I went to her page, which is all public.

As it turns out, she is about 14 weeks pregnant. I think she is about 21/22 and already has a 16 month old. I'm not sure that she graduated from HS nor got her GED. Her husband is one of a few kids who all live in what most of us consider to be a very dysfunctional home. CPS has been involved at one point and their parenting abilities are minimal at best it seems.

As I was scrolling through her page, there was a post that thanked everyone who encouraged her to keep the baby and not "do away with it". This has sent me into a bit of a tailspin today. I sat in my car for a bit because I was crying so hard and was so angry.

I know everyone has their own journey in life. I know life is rarely, if ever, "fair". I know I have much to be thankful for, and I am, every day.

For this family, there will now be four children amongst two of the kids. One of the girls, who is about 19/20, just had her second. She has neither of them.

The thought of someone willingly doing away with such a miracle enrages me - unless of course there are health complications, etc. I know that it is a very personal
choice. C and I would do anything to have a baby. We got so close and then it didn't stay. Who knows if we will get that close again. Maybe we aren't meant to have biological children and maybe we are. We have no idea what lies ahead of us.

I feel like I was slapped in the face by the universe in a way. I know that is taking it much to personally, but for today, that is how I'm feeling. I sent her a message on FB and asked her to be careful what she says because of how it might impact others. I told her that if she ever didn't want to raise a child, adoption is always an option. I told her that C and I have been trying and that there are many couples who cannot have children who would welcome one into their homes and lives. I also told her that if she didn't want more children, and if she isn't familiar with birth control options, that I could discuss them with her and help her find free/affordable services if money was a concern. Her response was to say that she is keeping this one and that she understood what I meant.

I wish people wouldn't take getting pregnant for granted. I wish so many would realize what a true miracle it is.

Tomorrow is a new day. With any luck, C and I will be on the road to getting things started for our next IUI within this next week.

Jazibel · March 2014

I'm sorry you are having a rough day.

Our TTC journey had ups and downs (many of them). It's hard sometimes to see the world around us flaunting the thing we covet the most (in this case growing our families). For me it was especially hard at times to see some couple getting pregnant with seemingly little or no effort, or even care. I realize there are many different families out there, it's hard not to judge, and perhaps sometimes a little judgement is appropriate. ;-) I will say for me the more I focused on our families journey the easier it was. It really helped having this forum and other resources to share the peculiarities of TTC as an LGBT couple. Frankly, I don't know what I would have done without it.

I hope the next steps in your and C's journey unfold soon, and that you get your BFP and take home baby soon.

P.S. I think it's good to share your feelings and thoughts - thanks for trusting us with them.

StacyLH24 · March 2014

@Jazibel‌ - Thank you. Thank you for normalizing what I'm feeling. I also don't know what I would do without the support of this board. It has helped immensely and I'm so thankful for it. It is great to know that there are others who just get it.

ball.and.chain · March 2014

I am so sorry you've had a rough day. The world feels cruel sometimes. I've been there; know that. And it does get better in one way or the other, either because you get pregnant or because you adopt an amazing child or because you just find another way to make peace with whatever your situation is. You would probably always be irritated with people like C's cousin -- anyone would be -- but it won't hurt as much. In the meantime, you have more tries in you and I am hopeful that one of them will bring you the baby you are dreaming of!

SweetPea0307 · March 2014

@StacyLH24 That's a tough thing to see during a time like this. I know when I saw my wife's unmarried cousin announce her pregnancy on Facebook that I had some ugly thoughts that I'm not proud of. Pregnancy jealousy is hard to deal with, especially when you know you could provide such a better home for a baby than they could. I hope you get your sticky BFP soon.

doodah1013 · March 2014

I hear ya... I don't even think jealousy is the word for it... It's like a true manifestation of the injustice of the whole system.
We try to stay in our journey... But there a great many people who have been pregnant and had babies since we have been trying, and we still don't have a light at the end of the tunnel... Everytime I see one of those baby getting older, it is a reminder of our recurrent failures to build our family.

But do know this... There is something special about this journey. We will never take our little ones for granted. We will know forever that they were something we fought for, and cried for and sacrificed for. It's not a lot of comfort, but somedays it's all that gets me through.

Sending healing vibes your way! Deep breaths and just keep going, because in the end that is our only choice. Keep us updated on how you are feeling. We are here for you.

StacyLH24 · March 2014

Thank you @ball.and.chain,
@SweetPea0307‌ and @doodah1013‌.

@doodah1013‌ - You are correct, our little ones will never be taken for granted. We all can truly appreciate the miracle that this whole process results in.

ATXmommas · March 2014

I'm sorry you had a rough day. It is such a tough position to be in - trying to support and understand other people's decisions when it comes to something so intensely intimate that you happen to want so badly. I had to remind myself many times that there was no point focusing on what was fair or trying to make sense out of why bad things happen to good people because it would really just drive me crazy.

You are entitled to have a bad day and I'm glad you have an outlet to share your feelings. There are so many people here rooting for you and C. Even if you can't see it yet, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

KH826 · March 2014

I am so sorry that you are struggling and that you are having to deal with this situation. It can be really hard. Just know that we are all cheering you on, and you can always rely on us here to listen and reassure you when you need it. That won't change the outside world and the pain and heartache that you are sometimes faced with along this difficult journey, but it can hopefully provide some comfort to know that you are not alone. Thinking of you, and hoping today is a better day. Hugs!

wishiwaspreggo · March 2014

I absolutely know how you feel, too. I was pretty angry (and admittedly, jealous) when I found out my 2nd cousin's wife is pregnant with their fourth baby. And it irked me when I found out a friend from high school - who can barely afford the baby she has now - is pregnant again. Here we are, trying and trying, inducing superovulation and having a doctor squirt sperm directly into our uteruses, and yet no baby. And then these women are just plain old having sex and boom, they get pregnant.

I realize our circumstances are different. But still, it is irritating. I definitely empathize with you, for what it's worth. I hope you start to feel better about TTC. I know how rough the road is. I'm having a hard time keeping C's spirits up. She's pretty depressed that I wanted to sit this cycle out (due to a stressful month at work) but really, I think it's for the best. I really want this last shot to count.

maggiemay33 · March 2014

I think these feelings are totally normal and I'm right there with you.

Currently I'm a little bitter (trying not to be, but you know) that there is zero fun for us in this process. We scramble calling Drs, and rearranging our schedules, and talking about it, or not talking about it so as not to stress ourselves out, and worry about how everything is going to get paid for, etc. No fun. No nice glass of wine and some sexy time will get us a baby. Just cold hard cash and fluorescent lights.

Not to hijack your thread - my brother and his wife recently had a baby and they're pretty clueless on all fronts. I find the whole thing hard to watch.

Manada · March 2014

@StacyLH24 -- I totally know the feeling.    Even though we have success now, I still totally have IF brain and still have some pretty intense feelings towards people who get pregnant easily and aren't able to recognize how hard it is for others.

I had two cousins have babies this year, and I haven't yet met either baby.   I just couldn't do it while we were going through Infertility treatments, and I don't them as much with an apology.

I think sometimes when we're struggling it's really hard to feel justified in our feelings.   I once saw a quote that said something along the lines of "1/5 couples experience Infertility, just appreciate the 4/5 couples that are thrilled to celebrate your pregnancy" (I'm sure the quote and the stat is wrong, but you get the jist).   That really made me feel better about recognizing that TTC is HARD, and stressful. And when it doesn't go well it throws your whole life into imbalance and all your dreams in jeopardy.

Hopefully your day is better today *hugs* to you.

ticktock0903 · March 2014

I feel this way ALL THE TIME. I know a great many people who pop up u/s pics like once a year. Its so hard to see their nonchalance about something that I would do a lot to be able to experience. I am a little more disheartened and emotional than my wife I guess but she helps me to understand that everyone is different and has their own path to walk. And something I have learned about all situations is that you can't compare yourself in any way to another person. Only you have walked your journey. Someone elses success or failure has no impact on your success or failure. Keep your head up, FX for a future BFP!!

2momsinCA · March 2014

@StacyLH24‌ I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks SO much when pregnancy happens so easily and "taken for granted"ly. I do not mean to bring this around to me but about 2 months after my second miscarriage, I found out inadvertently through a friend that another (straight) friend of mine was aborting twins. This friend had chosen to not tell me she was pregnant in the first place as she knew my struggles and it was like a knife in my chest when I heard not only was she pregnant (with twins nonetheless!!) but having an abortion, like in the process of it at that moment. I cried quite a bit and was intensely angry for days but it did pass and I even confronted this friend about what she did and how I felt. I still don't feel right about that choice, but I respect her decision to make that choice.

I know you are feeling a range of negative emotions but just remember that you are in a better situation than C's cousin and wife. While it is never fair that some people can get pregnant so easily, it just makes our children that much more wanted, adored, cared for and never neglected. We can raise stronger, smarter, more wonderful children because every day we get of eventual motherhood (and you will eventually get there, whether bio children or not) is never taken for granted.

StacyLH24 · March 2014

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts. When I was initially upset yesterday, part of me thought maybe I had no reason to be or that I shouldn't be. Though I wish none of us ever had to have those kinds of feelings, I am glad that we have a space to share them.

Today was a new day and I definitely am feeling better. I think focusing on our journey and keeping on moving forward will help me keep my mind on track.

StacyLH24 · March 2014

@maggiemay33‌ - I joke with C that it won't matter who is in the delivery room with us, everyone is welcome. At this point, I'm so used to being half naked in front of people that I really don't care. I also find it amazing at how little people really know about what it takes to get pregnant and how the whole process actually works. I have explained it all to women who have already had children and they look at me and wonder how we do it all. It is no different than what happened in their bodies. It's just that they weren't worried about all the timing and such.

@2momsinCA‌ - I cannot imagine what you must have felt that day. I was horrified just reading your post. You are correct though, our children will never be taken for granted.

trisholio · March 2014

First I want to say that you feelings are always valid and justified. I am glad that you have tried to change your perspective today and focus on your journey. I know that it is hard, I went thru similar feelings when my sister told me she was pregnant, and was questioning keeping it or not. I just had to keep telling myself her feelings and actions were not about me, they were about her and her journey.

We are always here to support and lend a 'listening' ear. Lots of positive thoughts being sent your way :-)

firstcomeslove2013 · March 2014

This can be so hard and when people are not sensitive about their "reveal" of the information. I know I have struggled with this with a few people in our life (and some who are no longer in our lives). It can be so hard but just remember that everyone's journey is different and do what you need to do to take care of you. Hang in there!

Belovedvirgo0209 · March 2014

I'm sorry to hear this, I think most of us that have dreamed of having children whether we struggled or not to conceive would be a little pissed about this.My partner and I tried on and off for 1 yr to get pregnant and didn't so we decided to take a break .In that time my younger cousin got pregnant and her boyfriend demanded she get a abortion or he would leave her so she did and a few months later she got pregnant again.They talked about placing the baby with us but then decided to keep her with that being said a ex co worker of my partners had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and we ended up adopting the baby but our very first meeting with the birth mom who was 34 at the time told us she was thinking about tying her tubes but since she wasn't keeping this baby she wasn't going to do it.I wanted to slap her very badly.Only for the reason she had a little girl 13 yrs before and placed her and then had a little boy 7 yrs ago and had literally just left him with her father in Cali to come to the east coast to be with our daughter's father.Then she placed our daughter with us which don't get me wrong we are forever grateful for but just because you can have a child doesn't mean you should.So I completely understand anyone's frustration when people that shouldn't have kids do and they mistreat them and neglect them when so many people want children and can't.

Struggling Today (contains another's pregnancy and the choices she has thought of)

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