Really struggling

I lost my baby this week. And it sucks. My husband and I had been trying for a second baby for four months and we were so excited to see a positive test. But almost from the beginning, there were signs that this pregnancy wasn't going to take. With my son, I was sick for the whole first trimester. With this baby, I was never nauseous. I rationalized this with the fact I was taking extra B6 and B12 for my tendinitis. Then my HCG levels came back lower than expected. But that could mean nothing. But we decided to do an ultrasound which showed a gestational sac but no heartbeat yet, as we were only six weeks along.

I tried to get on with my routine, taking my son to Mommy and Me, going to work, ect. We even gave the baby a name, Austin. Boy or girl. I also was telling friends and family that I was pregnant, something I didn't do until after the first trimester with my son. But the thought was always in the back of my mind, "Am I going to lose this baby?". I was constantly checking for blood every time I went to the bathroom. And then the Tuesday before last, I did.

I immediately called my midwife, who said it could be nothing and we were just going to have to wait and see. The bleeding got heavier and then there were clots. In my gut I knew what was happening, but we decided to do another ultrasound on Friday. It showed that the baby had not grown and there was no heartbeat. So, I just had to wait for my body to do what needed to be done.

I wanted to stay at home and avoid the hospital and a d&c. My midwife brought me black and blue cohosh, which I took every hour for five hours Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon, things really ramped up and I started bleeding very heavy. I decide to do what I did for a long time while I was in labor with my son and sit on the toilet. I also called my midwife who came and sat in the other room since I decided I needed to be by myself for awhile.

I had this horrible fear and anxiety that I would accidentally flush or throw away the placenta, so I fished every clot out and my midwife (who is also a very good friend of mine) inspected them. I really thought that things were going to be over with that night, but it all slowed down again. I thought about going to the hospital, and doing a d&c but since it was so late and my husband and I were so tired, we decided to go to bed. I had to set my alarm to go off every two hours so I could check to make sure I didn't start bleeding too much.

The next morning things still didn't pick up again, and my midwife suspected that the placenta had detached and was blocking my cervix. We made the decision to go to my OBGYN. That morning I had another clot pass, so I brought it in with me to have the doctor look at it. The doctor ended up being in surgery all day, and we saw one of his CNMs.

She decided to do an internal exam and my placenta was indeed blocking my cervix. She was able to pull it out without it coming apart and we took it home.

When my son was born, we planted his placenta under a rose bush at my moms house, and I wanted to do the same thing. We bought an orange tree and planted it and Austin in our backyard.

Through all of this, I'd been under such a black cloud. My heart felt literally broken and I would start sobbing at the drop of a hat. It was hard to look at infant pictures of my son, sometimes to even look at him because I would think that this baby I was losing would never be able to do the things that he is doing. Austin would never laugh, he'd/she'd never cry. He'd/she's never run around with his/her big brother.

But the act of burying the placenta and saying a prayer seemed to heal part of my broken heart. It's still so hard having someone ask me how the baby is doing and then having to explain that I miscarried. In the last week, two of my friends had their babies. While a part of me is so excited for them, another part is jealous and angry that it's not going to be me for even longer than I was expecting. That part of me wants to scream that it's not fair and pull the covers over my head and not come out.

But that's not how life works. I have a child to care for, and a husband who's hurting as well. I cleaned the house today for the first time in almost two weeks, my mom and mother-in-law had taken over that for me. We took our son to the zoo and the park this afternoon, and we had a lot of fun watching him run around looking at the animals. Life is moving on. It's getting a little easier every day.

For the most part, people have been very supportive and loving. Especially my mom and my husband. With the exception of my father- in-law who thought it would comfort me with an article on blighted ovums. He thought it would make me feel better if there was never a baby to begin with.

For now, I'm trying to take this one moment at a time and ride the wave of emotions that seems to swell at random times. I'm now finding comfort in my son and the fact that I'm young and we can try again in a few months. I would appreciate any advice that can be shared. I'm sorry that this is so long, but it's something that I needed to get out of my head so I can stop dwelling on it. Thank you for reading.