Getting All Defensive (Venting)

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

Long story short*, DD's preschool teachers sent me a very nicely, politely, and carefully worded "Back off mom and let us handle it," email regarding drop off. Objectively, they may be right - I think there are times moms lag behind in realizing what their kids are capable of. (And sometimes, they're leading, too.) Subjectively, well, I still know my kid better than they do, and my hackles were raised (though that wasn't their intent). I'm willing to try their way with drop off, but I will also be the one to deal with the bulk of the consequences if it goes badly. Of course, maybe I'm being too protective and it will go great. Who know?! No one until we try.

But I'm feeling that annoying mix of shame ("oh no, am I the one holding my kid back?!") and protectiveness ("but they don't know my kid like I do") and frustration ("hey, maybe they could have said something earlier, if this is how they felt") and anxiousness ("what are the consequences of trying this going to be?!").

Odd are, I am the problem. (As my husband put it

he is certainly straightforward, though he was trying to be kind at the same time. But it's true, kids behave differently around parents than other people.) And this might help. But darned if I am not nervous about it. And we have to wait two days to try since preschool isn't until Monday!

*Ask for the long story if you want it. I'm being lazy about writing it out.

ambmama · March 2014

I'm interested to hear the story. DS has been in daycare for 2 months and I take forever to drop off. I'm wondering if I'm going to be getting a nasty-nice-gram from them!

MrsCodeMonkey · March 2014

Are they asking you to do a very quick good bye? I hate to say it, but it might be best to try it and see how it goes. Good luck!

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

The slightly longer version:

She's been in this preschool a year and a half - started with the previous school year when she was 2.5yrs old. I didn't do short drop-offs then. I stayed the whole two hours for a while. She needed it, and I have zero doubts about that. When I started leaving earlier, we went through the usual tears, of course, bu then she'd stand at the window for a good portion of the day waiting for me to return. (Confirmed by her teachers.)

This year, I have been staying for 15 minutes - I walk to the door with her, stay while she does the arrival routine, help her get situation on a task, then go. (We have a hugging game/ritual when I go, and do it at the door.) I am once again confident that this was the right way to go at the start of the year. But she would still often just stand by the window for long portions of the day waiting for me to come back.

Shortly after the holiday break, they had the children start walking down from the gate (at the street) down to the school entrance themselves. Obviously, DD was NOT interested in this change, and getting her to go just half the way by herself took some practice. Now, she'll go the whole way, but won't go in until I get to the stairs with her. The inside portion of the routine is the same right now. I had already planned to work on her getting into school by herself and not staying any longer than the hug goodbye. But that's not what the other kids (almost all older - she's one of the youngest ones) do - they do the whole thing from the gate on their own. And even after that started, some days, she'd just stand at the door most of the time (again, confirmed by her teachers).

Basically, the teachers want DD to develop a deeper relationship with them so that she can use them as support, instead of me. (The teachers and I have a different opinion of the relationship between DD and each of them than I do. But, that's understandable.) And so they want us to part at the door and from there it is the teachers' and children's space.

Let me start by saying that I do understand their perspective on what they are building for the children. It's good! And, yeah, there are some developmental changes that have occurred this year that I have probably been slow to pick up on such that she can make these changes now, when she wasn't ready in the past. (I said there was a "shame" element I was feeling.

) Of course, she's flipping her lid at this idea, saying "Well now I'm not going to go to preschool anymore." (Not that I will let that happen, of course.)

Part of my being all cranky about this is just the "trust us to be there for her" when my little introvert is quite the introvert, and the "let's just do it this way" tone. Oh, yes, I *KNOW* that I'm reading more into the tone than is likely meant to be there (regardless of the teacher's personal opinions on the matter

), but that's the nature of these things that confront our parenting choices.

And yeah, if you think I'm over thinking this, you are right. It's what I do.

I didn't title this "Getting All Defensive (Totally Rational Venting) for a reason.

And, for the curious, though I am expecting a bit of a meltdown (something she doesn't do often), I will be trying something much closer to their recommended approach than mine.

Thing is, I'm generally a non-confrontational parent. If we've got a conflict, we talk about it, see what the requirements/needs are, and work on a solution from there. Most of the time, it comes down to "X needs to happen. Do you choose to do it by doing A or B?", but this is one of those more complicate scenarios, to me. I want "X", whatever needs to happen, to be a reasonable, logical thing. Not an arbitrary rule applied at an arbitrary (for the person) time. And that's what this feels like.

And it feels a bit odd since the teachers were concerned earlier this (calendar) year with her not participating in various activities and her just waiting at the door for me for long stretches of time and not being able to use the potty independently and so on. Then asking me what my plan for progress on drop-off was and then this email about "hey, let's do it this way". So, it has felt a bit conflicting.

Can you imagine if I read this response from the teachers while I was hormonal and pregnant? I'd be a bawling puddle on the floor!

Fortunately, my husband indulged me in talking about it for a while. (He is more on the side of the teachers for what should happen, but is very sympathetic to the process I have undertaken so far. And he can say "Well, when you say that, it sounds like you are the problem," and make it more humorous than a dry email.

) I'll bet after I sleep on it, I'll feel far better about it.

And yes, it'll probably all work out fine in the end.

This is probably the first parenting criticism I've gotten (from people whose parenting advice I respect, not idiots) that I've been bothered by. Probably good to start getting practice.

(I'm mentally reading your thoughts, and they fall somewhere between "I'm glad I'm not married to her" and "lady, you need a day job so you stop thinking about these things". :P)

KatieB19 · March 2014

What if you gradually back off from the drop off process? Like, maybe do everything the same, but leave after her arrival routine instead of after she's set with a task. And then one day you could have "something to do" so you give her a big hug as soon as she gets in the door and promise you will be back like you always are and head out at that time. You could even give her a little something (bracelet, necklace, charm for her pocket) to remind her that you'll be back.

Is there one teacher in particular who she gravitates to? Maybe that teacher could be more actively involved in the process, so LO is never along during the transition from drop off to her first task.

If you ever watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, there is an episode called "Grownups Come Back" (season 1, episode 3). The second half deals specifically with preschool, getting dropped off, and the grownups coming back. It's available on amazon prime and netflix.

MrsCodeMonkey · March 2014

First, take a big breath. Your DD will do great. Just give it time. Quick goodbyes usually work best. It will be tougher on you than your DD. many hugs! You'll get through it.

hopefulmom81 · March 2014

Your situation is so specific that it is really hard to give an opinion (not that you are necessarily asking for one).

I will say that

a. you should NEVER feel shame for parenting your child out of love and concern and

b. I have never done an extended drop off with DD. I go in, drop her off, kiss her, say goodbye and promise to come pick her up, and jet out of there. I figure if there are tears, they will stop 15 minutes after I leave (this is proven to be true for my DD).

It is tough when they are so little to try to teach them any form of independence, and I am not sure if it is really warranted, but might as well start now when they have the support of multiple teachers. They need to know it is going to be okay and that mommy will ALWAYS come back to get them.

KatieB19 · March 2014

I disagree with the "short drop off is better" mentality. Yes, ok, it is better in the sense that you say bye and go, rather than linger to the point where you leaving is built up to be some sad thing that's going to happen but the child isn't exactly sure when. However, I disagree that it's always in the best interest of the child to drop and go. Some kids, especially in the beginning, need that little extra boost of confidence by having a parent stay close for a bit.

And it doesn't sound to me as though @TiffanyBerry is lingering, waiting for the right moment to leave. It sounds like there is a routine in place that happens to be longer than the standard drop and go. It sounds like her LO is comfortable with the routine and is (understandably) anxious about change.

There are only 2+ months of school left, right? I still stick by what I said, try baby steps. But really, she's only there for a little while longer. Maybe next year you can establish a new routine.

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

I finally responded to their email, and feel better.

It took the weekend to sort out all the conflicting bits and pieces that filtered through my brain, but at the end of the day, I was blindsided by a "back off, mom" message after getting just the opposite "maybe you can help encourage her..." messages in the past few months. Not to mention being criticize for doing something one of the teachers specifically asked me to do. (This is quite unusually disorganized for them.) I'm not saying their message was inappropriate or wrong, but it was definitely a turn-around from other messages I had gotten.

We'll get through this, and I'm sure we'll make drop-off work out. Though I'm not looking forward to another few months of "I don't want to go to preschool", as we had *just* finished more than a year of that.

TiffanyBerry · March 2014

KatieB19 said:

I disagree with the "short drop off is better" mentality. Yes, ok, it is better in the sense that you say bye and go, rather than linger to the point where you leaving is built up to be some sad thing that's going to happen but the child isn't exactly sure when. However, I disagree that it's always in the best interest of the child to drop and go. Some kids, especially in the beginning, need that little extra boost of confidence by having a parent stay close for a bit.

And it doesn't sound to me as though @TiffanyBerry is lingering, waiting for the right moment to leave. It sounds like there is a routine in place that happens to be longer than the standard drop and go. It sounds like her LO is comfortable with the routine and is (understandably) anxious about change.

There are only 2+ months of school left, right? I still stick by what I said, try baby steps. But really, she's only there for a little while longer. Maybe next year you can establish a new routine.

Yes, our routine is absolutely a set one. (And though it's had to change on a few occasions, they are reasons that I talk to DD about - "I have to go to a physical therapy appointment so they can help my shoulder get better".) I agree that non-lingering drop-offs are vital, and when I realized that drop-and-go wouldn't work for us last year (she was 2.5yrs old!), I used the most important part of the drop-and-go: don't be wishy washy.

So, at this point, she gets fifteen minutes of my time. I will go with her through the routine, but when my watch says 9:45am, I leave. We do our usual hug routine*. Then I put on my shoes, say goodbye, and walk up the stairs. If she's trying to hold onto my foot (more in play than crying, but still not wanting me to go), I am gentle, but firm that I must go and she needs to let go of my foot (or whatever body part...). No wishy-washyness or dily-dalying.

Honestly, we're both comfortable with the routine. The teachers worry that I'm not giving her the space to trust them and to build a deeper relationship with them. (I think they are going to be disappointed that changing our routine isn't going to change that.) They're trying to push a social skill (interdependence on authority figures other than parents) that she lags on compared to the average four year old (as most of the kids in her class are).

Based largely on conversation with DH, who also is concerned about her social development in this regard, I'm going to try these changes. There are only two and a half months left of school before the long break, but they want the kids to be independent for the next year (the last year before kindergarten). (Which, I grant, is considered culturally-appropriate, but that's not the same as saying evolutionarily-necessary.) Unfortunately, next year is at a different physical location, with different teachers (though mostly the same children), and this will present its own difficulties. I'll worry about that one when we get to it.

*Our hug routine is called the "you're mine-mine-mine game". It's a cute, short game that has evolved over time to have us switch roles so now I say "you're mine, mine, mine and I will never let you go" and she says "but there are lots of times you have to let me go" and I say "like when?" and she says "like when you take [the dog] for a walk, like when I go to preschool, like when you teach, like when I go potty..." (and she laughs as she tries to think of more things) and I say "but can I come back?" and she laughs more and says "you always do!". We've played this "game" for nearly two years now(?), and it started with the lines completely switched (though she never said "will you come back", I simply said "but I will come back"). She used to want to play over and over and now she's actually letting me go at the end of the game. (Though she still doesn't actually want me to leave.)

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