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Baby Shower Anxiety

BlueberrySakkinenBlueberrySakkinen member
in 2nd Trimester
I'll try to make a long story short: I'm afraid my shower is going to be a disastrous repeat of my wedding shower. I just want to enjoy the moment without worrying about petty crap. My mother in law mentioned she wanted to throw the baby shower. If she does, I know it's pretty much going to just be the women in her family: her sisters & their daughters & their daughters. There are a lot of them & I barely know some of them. My mother "doesn't believe" in showers, but when my mil tried to (VERY graciously & kindly) step in and save my wedding shower after my MOH dropped out of the picture, my mother had a power nutty & tried calling all the shots. It was so stressful because not only did it ruin the surprise, but I had to mediate. My mother is very insecure (I believe that is the root of her behavior...) but doesn't have the funds to throw a shower for my side of the family. I don't think it would be a big deal if she would politely explain that to her friends who have asked rather than say stuff like "Oh her mil is doing it & we aren't good enough" or "she only cares about her family." I hate having to smooth things over. It feels like a mess. When I gave the requested list of girlfriends to my mil for the wedding shower she said their was only room to invite my 4 bridesmaids. What do I say to friends who ask about the shower if I know they won't be invited?! The whole thing feels like it's not worth it. Heck, they could do it at my house and invite everyone, but that wouldn't fly either. I just can't please the moms. Another example of my mother's behavior: she called last night and asked what I was doing for a crib. I told her my in laws offered to buy one as their gift. She flipped out because she was going to offer us my old crib which went through me, my siblings and cousins & apparently it's "not good enough" for us. Then she said I have "new mother syndrome" when I said I'd prefer a newer safer style anyway. Advice?
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Re: Baby Shower Anxiety

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    mikrinikkimikrinikki member
    i agree with no friends to that shower then. you could even just have friends over or out to lunch one day to celebrate.

    your mom is being a spoiled brat...i had a stressful wedding for my mom not wanting things simple like i did...she wanted it crazy tacky. just tell your mom that she cant say those things and call her out on her insecurities. "Not good enough"...that irks me to no end. She needs to get over herself.

    As for offering on the crib..."shoulda, woulda, coulda". Your Mil offered first...bam she gets dibs. Offer your mom something else that will be just as important to baby...like car seat(s) or a matching dresser. If your mom wants to be grown up about it, maybe she could talk to your mil, not YOU, SHE could talk to your mil and offer to pay half on all the baby furniture. Good luck!
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    shesamommyshesamommy member

    If you want your friends to attend maybe they can bring extra drinks or snacks if thats the issue. I'm sure they wouldn't mind and would understand that you want them there. I think it would take pressure off your MIL and you can be happy too.

    Or do something cooler with your friends later. Either way enjoy your party regardless of who throws it and how many you have.

     

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    shesamommyshesamommy member

    If money or supplies is the issue that she cant have her friends attend. Why not help with the supplies?! Its not tacky X10 or any other damn number

     

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    rae_dylanzmomrae_dylanzmom member

    Why not plan something you actually want to do... get your girlfriends get together for a spa day, a brunch, a private yoga retreat, a cooking class, pottery making, a day at Disneyland if that's what you're into .... plan something yourself that you actually want to do with them and enjoy some girlfriend time while you can! Sounds way more fun than shoe-horning them into your ILs party.
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    cMichelle0423cMichelle0423 member
    MrsMuq said:

    If your MIL can't accommodate all of your girlfriends, than she invites none. Maybe one of your girlfriends will step in and throw a friends shower.

    Sorry, but you don't get to dictate how your shower will be thrown, who throws it, or who will attend. It's a gift.

    And if you really feel like the "whole thing isn't worth it," then decline your MIL's offer of a shower altogether, and whelp, you just don't get one.


    Yupp this.
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    lks18lks18 member
    I just started reading the latest edition of Baby Bargains and the strongest message they convey in the beginning of the book is never use a 2nd hand or heirloom crib. There was huge a update to Federal safety standards for cribs in 2011 so you don't want one from before then. And even a newer 2nd hand crib could be unsafe if you put it together without instructions or missing even one tiny piece. So stand your ground on that issue! :)
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    Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    I'm confused.  Why is it so difficult to tell people " My MIL is throwing me a baby shower, but it is mostly just for her side of the family."  Unless your friends are not reasonable people, they will understand.  

    Listen, your MIL is giving you an incredibly kind and generous gift and is welcoming you into her family.  Please don't throw this lovely gift back into her face all because you can't invite more than 4 friends.  That would not be a nice thing to do at all.  
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    Nichole8787Nichole8787 member
    Disneygeek77 said:
    I'm confused.  Why is it so difficult to tell people " My MIL is throwing me a baby shower, but it is mostly just for her side of the family."  Unless your friends are not reasonable people, they will understand.  

    I think this is excellent advice. Simply tell your friends that it is a family shower and then maybe you can plan a sip and see or maybe a friend will offer to throw you one!
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    BlueberrySakkinenBlueberrySakkinen member
    I'm must have worded something wrong since multiple people brought this up...of course I'm grateful. It's the drama of the whole thing that is upsetting. I agree with what most have said though...It's best to just not have my girlfriends if I can't include them all. 
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    BlueberrySakkinenBlueberrySakkinen member
    edited March 2014
    MrsMug & other mean girls, 
    Pardon me, but the whole question was how to politely deal with mother(s) drama. I'm very grateful. My point with mentioning the 4 bridesmaids (for an entirely different shower, nonetheless) was "why ask for a list if it's going to get shut down?" It was an example of stress. Perhaps you & the one other nasty commentator should thoroughly read before leaving unnecessarily snarky comments. Who are you to call anyone tacky? That girl made a simple suggestion. It is very common for hostesses to ask for help. Why bother being a part of a forum if you're just going to be rude & mean to the other girls? I thought we were all in this together... apparently not. 
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    BlueberrySakkinenBlueberrySakkinen member
    edited March 2014
    Thank you I think that is lovely advice, sheamommy & rae_dylansmom. They usually offer to bring a dish & help anyway. I have great girlfriends. Pitching in is never an issue with them & I'm sure my MIL  wouldn't even have to ask them. Good news is, both moms have concluded on their own to throw their own showers - an absolute miracle coming from my mother. I'm thinking my girlfriends will offer to help her & keep it a "surprise" from me so I don't get roped into her drama. WAHOO! :) Time does heal all.
    Anyone else find it funny that they both keep talking to me about "the shower" but it's "going to be a surprise!"? haha

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    andreamarnoldandreamarnold member
    I agree with Blueberry - let's tone down the snarky! Two showers sounds like the perfect way to go.
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    smizzle1991smizzle1991 member
    Im worried about my shower as well bc i have a sister that needs to be the center of attention and she will be either about to give birth or have just given birth at my shower. so Im trying to throw it as close to her due date as possible so hopefully she won't be there. I know one of my sisters had about 5 babyshowers with her first because his mom threw one and her friends threw one and our mom threw one and then the church and it was crazy. but you can always have multiple showers!
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    LucilleAusteroLucilleAustero member

    Unfortunately, you can't control other people. If your mother is going to be a pill, she is going to be a pill. You can, of course, try talking with about your feelings. If it does not go well, and you feel like she will ruin your shower, ask MIL to take her of the guest list.

    A shower is a lovely gift from someone, but you can decline if it is going to create too many issues.

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    MagicInTheMidnightSunMagicInTheMidnightSun member
    Geez, this sounds like stress. 

    I'm anxious because there isn't anyone on my side of the family who would throw me one and I'm really worried no one will. My MIL might but their side of the family is quite small also and they don't know any of my girlfriends. 

    I'm on the edge of doing a coed open house thing where we just have a get together with friends. 

    Best of luck
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    CiardasullyCiardasully member
    LucilleAustero said:

    Unfortunately, you can't control other people. If your mother is going to be a pill, she is going to be a pill. You can, of course, try talking with about your feelings. If it does not go well, and you feel like she will ruin your shower, ask MIL to take her of the guest list.

    A shower is a lovely gift from someone, but you can decline if it is going to create too many issues.

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