new here :) intro- and a question or two about baby making

KarliD88 · March 2014

Hi there- Here's a little bit about us and our current situation

My fiance and I are a lesbian couple, been together for 4 years (we met in college). She is 26 and I'm 25 and we have some serious cases of baby fever. I am graduating from nursing school in less than a month, and until I start my career, we are only scraping by off of my fiance's office management job. Also, she wants to go back to school to become either a physician's assistant or a DO. She has been in the process of applying to med schools for a year but it doesn't look like she got in this year. She is going to retake the MCATS and also take the GRE so in the case that she isn't accepted to med school, she has the option of PA school, hopefully. So as you can see, we don't quite have the financial stability we would like to have in order to start our family.

We know that it would be much easier and smarter to wait until we both finished school, payed off our loans, and all of that good stuff. But at the same time we don't want to wait much longer- if my fiance gets into med school, she won't be finished for 5 more years! I know we are young and have plenty of time, but I have always wanted to have kids at a young age for many reasons. So in my mind, we don't have all the time in the world.

We have considered starting to try once I started my first job and my fiance would carry..that way she could quit her job (if she needed to), focus on studying for the gre and mcats and take one more class that would be helpful for her to get into school. She would then apply to schools after the baby was born. Our careers are very important to both of us, but we've decided that starting our family is MORE important.

So I guess I shared all of that to give you a little low down on us and maybe to vent a little too. I would gladly take any comments or advice you have to offer into consideration. Its kind of nice just to put this out there because I don't have a lot of people I like to talk to about this in person.

Also, our other dilemma is which sperm donor route to go. My Fiance really wants to ask my brothers if they would be willing to be our KD. We would have them tested/and sign a contract and everything so they wouldn't have any parental rights. I love the idea that our child would have both of our genetics and be related to both sides of the family. But at the same time, I like the idea of both of us being able to carry a child that would be half siblings-we would both use the same sperm donor to get pregnant. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this?

Many thanks :-)

StacyLH24 · March 2014

Welcome! I definitely want to write a longer response, but I'm in a training today. I will give some input on some of your questions/concerns later tonight. There is a lot of support there. I'm glad you joined us! We have a TTC Check-In every Moday so feel free to jump right in!

KarliD88 · March 2014

Thanks! I would love your input :-) Hope you have a great day in training.

trisholio · March 2014

Welcome to our little corner of the world. This board is very supportive, informative and a close community.

I understand your struggle of wanting a family but wanting to have careers also. My wife and I struggled to live off just her income for a few years. I chose to do in home child care to supplement our income and also I was able to be at home to prepare for our own children. During that time we became licensed foster parents also. So I stay home now, watch other children and also the children placed in our home thru the foster agency. My dream was to be a stay at home mom but that wasn't exactly feasible on my wife's income. So we found a way that worked for us. Now we have two little girls on permanent placement thru the foster agency and also expecting a little girl in September. Needless to say our lives changed over night and we are happy and exhausted! My wife wants to go to nursing school but with our life being so busy and full right now it just isn't possible. But I hope that she is able to fulfill that dream soon and have a career she loves and also one that is more of a career than the job she has now.

We also used a KD and were lucky that my wife's insurance covered most of the costs for our RE. We had about $1000 out of pocket expenses in total over the last year, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing in the TTC process.

So I guess I say all of that to say this, do what makes you happy and you will find a way. We don't have a lot of money, but we figured out a way to make it work for us. I hope you are able to do the same :-)

KarliD88 · March 2014

Thanks for the reply. Congratulations on your expanding family! I would also love to foster/adopt in the future but my fiance wants to try to conceive our own first. Its great to read about other people's journeys, it gives me hope that we'll get there eventually..sooner rather than later hopefully

So you used a KD, did you go to a clinic to be inseminated? What is RE. Sorry I am not up on all of this lingo.

If you want any advice or have any questions on nursing school, I might be able to help since I am about to graduate. It surely is not easy but its doable if you have a good support system. Let me know

2momsinCA · March 2014

Welcome! I know how you're feeling with the baby fever, my wife and I had it pretty much our whole relationship. My wife also has 3 brothers and we very seriously considered using one of them as a KD. We got very close to asking but chose to go the frozen donor route because 1. Her brothers all live in Boston and we live in LA and shipping sperm can get tricky and needs to be done very carefully 2. We both want to carry and we would like, in an ideal world, for our babies to be at least half bio siblings by using the same donor. We ended up buying up all the vials we could of our donor and he is now retired from donating. I'm pregnant with twins (which took maybe a total of 10 vials or so to achieve) and we only have 5 vials of our donor left for my wife to someday carry baby #3. I hope she's super fertile! Anyways, we don't know if that dream of half siblings all around will even work out.

As far as money and careers go, ttc is expensive depending on the route you take. If you are planning to work with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist, the fertility doctor who would usually do IUI procedures) and you have the budget for those appointments without going in debt then I say go for it! Many people have kids while they are in grad school or before the whole career thing is figured out. Half of our ttc journey was spent while I worked full time with my wife attending grad school full time. We are older than you and your fiancé though and and it really felt like now or never. Good luck and I hope to read more about what you decide to do!!

Jazibel · March 2014

Welcome - this is a great community.

My wife and I are about 10 years older than you, but we've had a similar journey in that we've combined work, grad school and having babies. It's not easy at any age ;-) But it can be done. We waited until the time felt right for us to start trying. We weren't initially successful and took a break to travel. We started up again about a year later and are now expecting baby #2.

I would say the time never feels quite "right" because life has many ups and downs, if its not school, is career changes, or moving or other unexpected or expected things.

I will say that having a good financial plan in place is important. I've stayed home with our son for the last couple of years working P/T doing childcare or other jobs occasionally to boost our income. Although my wife makes good money it can be stressful living on one fixed income. Having less financial security has caused additional stress on our relationship and definitely on the TTC process. BUT that said it can be done (and often is, even successfully by us :-) Just something to communicate about with your finance and plan for.

Okay one more point. When were were TTC with frozen sperm, and either an OB, Midwife or RE (reproductive endocrinologist, a doctor specializing in fertility) we spent close to $2K a month out of pocket (our insurance wasn't very good, but I think some insurances offer better coverage). We eventually went with a KD (friend) and are expecting baby #2 by this donor next month. We paid him $100 a "donation" (for his time, since he had to be flexible on the spur of the moment). Not including inexpensive at home ICI supplies we spent $300-$400 a cycle and became pregnant with the first try both times. If you would like bio-related kiddos perhaps pursuing a KD that is not a direct relative?

Anyway best of luck starting your TTC journey its such an exciting time.

Manada · March 2014

Welcome.

I was like you guys. I hadn't met my love yet, but I wanted to have babies when I was younger badly, and even made a plan to start exploring it on my own after grad school when I was 29. I met my partner that year, so we slowed it down a bit to fall in love and stuff

When I was 30, we made the appointment to meet with our RE in the fall, check out clinics, and just get ready to start trying the following Spring.   Our initial fertility workups showed that my fertility was already sub-par - - which was a huge shock to us.    In the end, our RE told us that if I wanted a chance to get pregnant and use my own eggs, I had to do it right away.   So we started.

I won't ever advise anyone to wait necessarily, or that there's lots of "time". People told me that a lot, even after my diagnosis, and after 6 cycles, and lots of medications I never even got close to pregnancy.   If you both know you want kids, check it out now - see how your bodies are and get a sense of what sort of time you may have to decide, and get an educated sense of who may need to go first when you do start trying.

It's also expensive. And the money makes it very stressful.   We were lucky, and about 10 months ago I got a new benefits plan at work that allowed our drugs to be covered nearly 100%.   That has saved us probably $10,000 alone so far.   I think our output has probably been about $15,000 over the past year and a bit OOP - once we factor in sperm, IVF, and little things that didn't get covered.

KarliD88 · March 2014

Thank you everyone for the responses. You all have some great advice and I look forward to contributing more to the boards. I would really love to start trying for a baby like... now. But the only way we could afford to do it at this point, would be with one of my brothers as the donor and my soon to be wife carry the baby. You know, with the 'turkey baster' method. My fiance wants to do it this way anyways and not have to deal with the akward clinic setting. Like I said, I love the idea of our child/ children being biologically tied to both of us and both sides of the family. I guess the only thing holding me back from calling my brothers up right now and asking them, is the fact that I don't know if I would still have the option of carrying my own baby in the future. I feel like, if my fiance carried our first with my brother as the donor that it wouldn't be fair to the child that I carried if they didn't have a biological connection to both sides of our family. I mean there is a possibility that one of her brothers might agree to donate but her family is very religious and anti gay. Am I over thinking this? Part of me doesn't even care if I get to carry one of our babies because it doesn't really matter in the long run, Id still love them the same. I guess part of it is that I'm afraid people would think it was incest too...even though it wouldn't be obviously, but you all know how people are. I am just trying to think of the kids and how it would affect them either way.

OK I am done babbling. Thanks in advanced for any more comments

:P

StacyLH24 · March 2014

Ok...as far as timing goes, I for have much to add to what others have said. When you start this process, it is normal to think everything will be great and you will get a BFP right away. For many of us, that is not the case. You never know how long your journey will be. That being said, I say go for it. If my wife and I wait until we are really financially ready, we would be waiting another 5-7 years. I'm going to be 30 and she is 29 and we would like to have two kids. So we decided that since our current financial situation will remain stable for several more years, we weren't going to wait. Also, when you really want something, you find a way to afford it. Yes you might go into some debt, but you're hopefully getting a baby in the end.

As far as using a KD, check your state laws. It may be just as expensive if you need to look at adoption fees, etc. we live in NY. If we use a KD, we need to have his rights severed and then C would need to adopt. By using a sperm bank, when I give birth, her name goes on the birth certificate automatically. We decided that it was important for us to be the only two parents. We didn't want to worry about anyone else being able to say anything about how our kids are raised, etc. Of course we would have had that all taken care of with a lawyer anyway. There really is a lot to consider. It can seem overwhelming at first. It certainly did to us. You will weed through everything though and come out with a plan you are comfortable with.

yachee · April 2014

I just recently posted this on another thread, so I copied/pasted it here. Welcome & good luck!

Hi! My wife and I used my brother as our KD, and it was definitely the best route for us. Before we started anything, we talked with him about it in depth, got all the legal stuff signed, and made him get tested for a whole slew of things. Then we started with ICIs at home for half a year. When that didn't work, we sent him to a fertility clinic to bank some frozen stuff because it was too much of a hassle to fly him up to us on a minute's notice every month.

The main reason we decided to use him was because we wanted our kids to be part of both of us and i had a big problem with the whole not-knowing-where-they-came-from thing when the kids get older, but we also thought it would be cheaper and easier to use a known donor. We were wrong. In many ways, our fertility journey was much more complicated because of it. If the ICIs had worked, it would have been both easier and cheaper, but once we moved to a RE, there were A LOT more hoops to jump through than if we had just used frozen sperm. We actually considered telling them that my wife and brother were a couple to skip all the crap.

Now that the girls are here, it has been amazing. He has no desire to be a dad, but he is SO EXCITED to be the "cool" uncle. I think it has also helped my conservative family accept the girls as actual "family." I have a suspicion that if we had used a random donor, they would view them as my wife's kids and not mine. (They are still adjusting to the whole gay thing... 7 years after telling them.) We have been very open about the fact that he was our donor, and our girls will know as soon as they can understand.

I think the coolest part of it all is actually getting to see little mini people that are truly a mix of my wife and me. Genetics are cool!

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