I don't to tell my in-laws

2littlebees · March 2014

I really don't want to tell my in-laws about this baby. They have done a number of rude and disrespectful things including telling us that they have the complete right to tell whoever they want whatever personal information we happen to share with them ( like if we told them how much we owe on our student loans they would tell everyone else. Its happened before.) my dh and i are private people and after trying to help them understand what we were wanting privacy-wise for the last three years we have had enough.Basically we cut them out of anything in our lives except for basic "how are you doing" type of stuff. Last pregnancy we decided to be kind and tell them when we told the rest of the family but after asking them not to say anything I received an email from my father in law telling me that they should be allowed to tell people since they live so far away from us! That did it for me! DH thinks that we should tell them earlier second trimester just to avoid a family feud but I don't want to tell them until we are ready to post it on Facebook because I don't think they deserve to know any earlier. Anyone else have someone they really don't want to tell?

2littlebees · March 2014

Well the first time when we told them I was pregnant I was seven weeks along. We still have five weeks to go before we were out of the danger zone. We just asked them to keep it to themselves like we asked our other family members to and they thought they should be able to tell everyone when they wanted. This time I don't want to tell them until we are farther along so there aren't any arguments. So short answer would be no, we dont want them telling anyone until we are ready to let everyone besides family know.

Kristy774 · March 2014

You might not like my answer but if they live far away and you don't know their friends and you have no friends in common with their friends I don't see what the big deal is? It would be like someone telling someone a stranger is pregnant. If my best friend who lives in Florida tells a co-worker it wouldn't bug me at all, I don't know the co-worker the co-worker doesn't know me or any of my friends and lives 6 states away. Just my opinion though. If you don't feel comfortable then don't tell them.

2littlebees · March 2014

I think I get irked way too easily so you're right. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. I guess I needed to get this out of my system more than anything.

Kitty Holland · March 2014

Then wait to tell them. Explain to DH why and so be it.

Kristy774 · March 2014

If they were telling other family members or people in your community or friends then I totally get it getting annoyed. In-laws are hard. I could write a book about my own!

phdprocrastinator · March 2014

Yeah, if they're just telling their own friends, it's not a big deal. HOWEVER, if this will spread to FB-land, I'd first think about where your friend's lists overlap, and what they may post on your wall (if they're in to that sort of thing).

I'd be mortified if my family was telling people how much I owed in student loans, regardless of whether or not I knew the person. I can understand why you don't want to share the info with them!

mb314 · March 2014

My family is like this - you tell my mom, and the entire town knows (thankfully we live 4.5 hours away from her). My sister and I learned a long time ago that you don't tell my mom until you're ready to tell the entire world.

That said, I think it is a courtesy to tell them before announcing on Facebook - even if it is just a day or two earlier.

missnacholover · March 2014

So don't tell them unless you are comfortable with it being common knowledge.

And this seems to go for everything with them, from what you've said.

MoniquesaMommy · March 2014

I understand your frustration! I told a lady at my job that I thought I could trust. I told her out of mere excitement. I was off work the next two days and when I came back I was getting congrats. Everyone that knew had heard from someone else. I was really upset but it taught me a lesson. So if you don't wanna share DON'T

maebee87 · March 2014

Oh my God @2littlebees I do not want my inlaws to know I am pregnant

A little reasoning.....

My Inlaws have not been a part of my life since my wedding day when my MIL begged me to leave her son because I was trash and would ruin his life. (This was after she begged him to leave me first and he slammed the door in her face, and this was after months of sabotaging our wedding- she disliked me before she met me).

Since the wedding (2012), we have not spoken and haven't seen each other.

DH is an only child, he emails once a week- things like- weather, work, TV Shows... Small talk like you would in an elevator. They have said they want to make amends- that they were having a meltdown but are all better now...... (I have heard this so many times throughout the years) I know they will use 'their only grandchild' as a way back into our lives and I know I will be fighting this with every fiber of my being.

So.....

I am actually terrified of them even finding out. So do what I'm doing. Tell them when you are ready. For me this will be around the same time we post it on facebook (Late 2nd trimester) And if they give you a hard time about it, just say, "you know, we sat down and talked about it and this was when we were ready to tell you, I'm sorry you wanted to know sooner, but we thought this time would be better." the end. Boundaries are a beautiful thing- sometimes you just have to make the fences extra sturdy!

mrs_tuna_08 · March 2014

I don't blame you for not wanting to say anything. We told our immediate family only. Yesterday we got a card from DH's grandparents congratulating us on the baby. WTF MIL. She said, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to tell." I actually really love my inlaws, but this has me pissed.

heidiliz626 · March 2014

Im def not looking forward to telling my inlaws and neither is dh. His parents are divorced and are both super strange. Easily offended, make promises they never keep (simple things like "yes lets do dinner once a month") they offer to help then dont show up. Blame dh for any disfunction in the family because his sister (32 yo divorced with two kids school aged, wont get a job, wont go to school, lives with her mom, and doesnt pay for a damn thing) is the golden child. Its frustrating because my parents are great and will be sooo excited that we are expecting. I just wish it was that easy with the inlaws.

Ok, end rant...

My suggestion is to wait to tell them until you feel like it. That way u avoid any possible drama with them telling ppl

mynameisjen · March 2014

Both my mom and his are blabbermouths. We're planning on telling them at 8 weeks and I hope they can keep their mouths shut. I think if we tell them it's really important to us that they keep it to themselves, they will. Or at least I hope so.

mamameg11 · March 2014

I don't blame you, I feel the same way with my inlaws. I don't care that I don't know the people they are telling, its more that they are not respecting our wishes. My inlaws did that when I was pregnant with my 2nd. Apparently my MIL was telling anyone she could even after we asked them not to say anything til we hit 12 weeks. My FIL thought it was funny and made a joke about it one time. I do not find it funny if I ask them to not say anything and then she runs around blabbing to whoever she feels like. I expect the same of my own parents or anyone I tell early about a pregnancy.

jillybean7582 · March 2014

I agree with PP that you should probably tell them a day or so before you tell the rest of the world. But of youare uncomfortable telling them because they don't respect your wishes then don't tell them until you are ready. Its your news and you shouldn't feel guilty about when you choose to share.

We have told my parents, one set of my grandparents, and one brother. I am not telling my other brother till right before we announce to everyone because his fiance is a blabber mouth and has no filter. We also are not telling my 90 year old grandma because she forgets alot of things and would probably remember we were having a baby but forget she wasn't suppose to say anything and the whole world would know.

lmkirby21 · March 2014

I think we have the same inlaws bc I could've wrote this exact same thing. They drive me up a wall to the point where I don't communicate or see them anymore. So rude and disrespectful. Sorry ur dealing with crazies.

MrsAdventure · March 2014

Oh man, I was soooooo not wanting to tell my father-in-law. He is your typical male chauvinist pig, made worse but the fact that he raised my husband alone, and therefore knows everything about child rearing based on the fact that my hubby sh*ts rainbows, in his eyes. And I don't mean that in the typical parenting sort of way of over looking their child's short comings, we're talking an abnormal sort of thing. At any rate, since we told him, he's been non-stop with the 'how I raised my son so perfectly' bull. Makes me crazy! For the record, my hubby is a great guy, but far from perfect, and has no intention of raising our kids like he was.

I originally wanted to wait until 12 weeks to to tell the whole family, but that idea had one little snag. My best friends sister-in-law is my OBs receptionist. I go in, she'll know (because, let's face it, she's not dumb) and tell my best friend, who will tell her mom who is good friends with my mom, who would kill me if she heard it through the grapevine. And so we had to tell my family, and then hubby guilted me into to telling his father because 'it's not fair'. And now they know, he knows and I am not thrilled. Lol.

2littlebees · March 2014

I feel a ton better! Thank you so much ladies! I think we will probably just wait until we are ready to put it on facebook and then tell them a few days before that. It's good to know I'm not the only one with shitty in-law problems.

krissykris89 · March 2014

I totally understand why you want to wait to tell them. It's your business to share when you're ready.

My MIL doesn't think I'm really pregnant. I've taken 5 positive HPT, my first appointment is in two weeks. She told my hubby she thought I was hiding my pregnancy when she wants to announce it on Facebook. I have not told my family and want to wait until I see the doctor. But I guess according to her if I'm not posting it on Facebook it must not be real. I, like you, want privacy. I just started a new job and the last thing I want is for them to find out before my 90 day probation period is up. In-laws can't pick em unfortunately lol.

marion269 · March 2014

I feel your pain, except I want to tell my MIL and my father just not my mother! My parents are married and I used to be very close with my mom, but around my early 20's I realized that my mother can never be truly happy for me. She turns all of my achievements and life events into a pitty party for her and ends up stealing my joy with her worry about appearances and expectations. I've told my 4 closets GFs and my best friend's mother because I see her mom more than I see my own. We plan to tell the rest of the immediate family at the end of the first trimester which coincides with my hooding ceremony in May.

I say keep it to yourself. Enjoy your moment with your family (DH & baby on the way). They are the most important in the end.

lincoln79 · March 2014

@marion269 - congrats on the hooding!!

OP, I'm not telling my own family until after the first trimester and we aren't looking forward to that.

They have not been supportive during our IF treatments or losses.

I have decided through all of our struggles that the only person I "owe" anything to is my husband. Go with your gut and don't look back.

KMW08 · March 2014

I was hesitant to tell my IL's, not because of blabber issues but I didn't want to add more worry to their plate.

So immediately I told my parents & I emailed a couple of my older female cousins, explained my loss history and asked them to "hold my hand & send prayers" my way for a while.

Dh told his parents Thursday. I'm still a bit anxious about that, but what do you do. He really wanted them to know, otherwise I would've had him wait a bit longer.

vbchick0788 · March 2014

Well we told our close family when we found out.... at like 6 1/2 weeks. I guess I just assumed that they would keep it quiet as we said we arent telling everyone till 12 weeks. Then my husbands grandmother posted our ultrasound on Facebook. I was like WTF. Haha I know she probably didnt mean any harm and was just really excited. Thank God she is only friends with old people. LOL You should tell when you feel its right.

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