A glimpse into my husbands psyche...

Jennicillin · March 2014

So, I've mentioned in a couple other threads how I tend to go ALL OUT for husband for holidays and anniversaries and usually see very little reciprocation. Very little... like borderline non-existent. And I'm not shy about it, I don't toss out a casual hint six weeks in advance just to be disappointed. I've literally had the conversation 3 days before of, "Hey! It's coming! It would be fun to do THIS! Maybe YOU could put that together" He just. Doesn't. Get it. And I know he's capable, because he used to do stuff when we were dating, but it's like with marriage all romance had gone out the proverbial window.

Today is our 4 year anniversary. There is nothing planned. We will be going nowhere. Doing nothing. We have one joint bank account. I would flat out know if there had been any advance planning at all.

My MIL called to say happy anniversary and asked what we were doing. I don't like bringing his parents or mine up to date on any marital complaints. So I just said "We're not doing anything" She asked if we were going out a different day because he was working tonight. I said "No, he has today off"

If I said that out loud to my mom she would immediately sympathize, say something apologetic about him not being on his AGame or whatever.

My MIL says "Well that's what happens after all, your anniversary is just another day"

So so so hard not to say something! I'm sitting here realizing THIS is why my husband doesn't do jack EVER! I wanted to say, "Well with that attitude it makes sense why he's never even gotten me a card" but I didn't...

At least I get it now, but seriously.... doesn't make it easier.

Jennicillin · March 2014

trawas01 said:

Sorry, its hard when you aren't on the same wavelength.

I'm a lot like your husband, its just another day as far as I'm concerned. Birthdays fall in there too. Dh is just used to it at this point.

And I do know he's like that, I guess I just want to see even an attempt at trying because he knows I care. There are things I do for him because I know he cares, even though to me it's pointless. I should point out I don't expect him to totally go overboard all out, but yeah, if he knows I care it wouldn't be hard to grab a card and some flowers at the grocery store :-(

Jennicillin · March 2014

LOL Your marriage sounds like an exact role reversal of mine!

I've read 5 Love Languages and have mentioned it to Husband.... maybe it's time to shove it in his face and make him read it lol

Valancyy · March 2014

trawas01 said:

If you like to read there is a book I think its the 5 love languages? I made DH read it after he went off on this tangent about how I don't care that its our 1st wedding anniversary and why don't I care???

I'm the I picked you up your favorite coffee after I know you had a long monday type. He's the its Valentines day omfg I need to pick out the perfect boquet of flowers or she won't know I love her type.

My husband and I are both the "who cares" type when it comes to birthdays, anniversaries, etc. We never get each other presents or cards. Just a "happy _____" on that day. I do make cakes for our birthdays, but that's more because I LOVE cake. We go out to dinner around the time of our anniversary, but that's all.

It sounds like it's time for a conversation if you two are not on the same wavelength. My H and I have had this discussion, and it works out we're the same. But, if you're not, then more effort needs to be put into planning for these things.

BlckRoses · March 2014

DH and I took the love languages test together and it was very insightful. He has a hard time verbalizing his feelings for me, but his love language is Acts of Service. So when he changes my oil in my car, or washes the kitchen floor, or packs my lunch for me, that's him saying how much he loves me. And my love language is Quality Time, so he knows that when I just want to sit with him on the couch, even if we're not doing anything, that's me saying I love him because I would rather sit there doing nothing with him than do something else. I think knowing these things about each other is very helpful in not building resentment.

jenkeale · March 2014

I'm sorry. The love languages felt cheesy for us at first, but it really did help us realize how the other person felt loved and cared about. It's worth the read!

Raclla · March 2014

As pp suggested, the 5 love languages is a good book.
DH hasn't read it, but I did. I identified both of our types, and even though he has no clue, it is working.
His is Acts of Service. He notices and does more for me when I do little things around the house that he usually does.
While he hasn't exactly identified my 'type', it is reciprocated. It's kind of amazing how it works.
The smallest suggestion of 'I would like' or 'wouldn't it be nice' gets more attention when I'm catering to his language. I put aside my 'wants' and do little things for him.

It got me dinner at a new restaurant in town that I've been wanting to try last night. No reason at all...a just because dinner.

allygirl520 · March 2014

It sounds sucky, but sometimes you just need to do all the planning. Drive him to the card store, tell him to go inside and pick one out. You plan the dinner, the outing, etc. I understand it sucks if you're the one always doing the planning, but someone's got to do it.

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