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and I quit....long rant/downer

pentagrlpentagrl
in TTC After a Loss

I have decided that i give up. i had some AF like cramps today so i have already counted myself out for this cycle, but then i get subjected to family get together time. the topic that comes up at random? baby names. oh great...... then i take my niece out to the mall for the last of her xmas present, and she is awwing over all the babies, she's only 4 so i don't say anything. I foolishly asked her what she would think of having a little baby in the family again. she tells me that i'll have one soon. I was confused, she doesn't know about the losses or that we are trying and i never mentioned it would be our baby..... she told me soon like in a few months(i made her clarify)

Fast forward to dropping her off at home......

My sister's BIL dropped in a while after we had been there. The drug dealing addict who doesn't care about anyone but himself brings with him none other than his drug addicted GF who is, that's right, the only thing that could make it worse, heavily pregnant with her 3rd oops, his 1st. her first and second were losses, so i feel bad about that for her, but life seems so unfair. they both still smoke pot and i know for sure that the daddy-to-be does other drugs, not sure about mommy. it just gave me the worst feeling. it made me feel like quitting. like crawling into bed and never leaving. we went home and i'm glad it was dark in the car so DH couldn't see my cry. ugh......... it's one of those days when you just keep thinking i want to go home, then realize you already are at home. ok sorry for being so long, thanks for listening

end rant

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Re: and I quit....long rant/downer

  • KristysRedBarnKristysRedBarn
    Lots of hugs.
    imageimage
    Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
    April 2011 CP @ 5 weeks
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  • lplassmanlplassman member
    Awww sweetie ((hugs)) I am so very sorry.  I wish I had something to say to take away even a little bit of your pain.  I hope it helps, even a little bit, to know you are not alone, there are people who know these same feelings.  Especially the "why can every random druggie get KU and I can't" feeling.  I wish I could tell you exactly when your sticky baby is coming, because I truly believe it will be soon!  Remember we are all here for you!
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  • cour10ecour10e
    Oh, I'm so sorry about your crappy day. I too have the whole "life is unfair" thing going on....it seems everything that happens is the universe's f-ed up way of ironically pointing out my pain. I don't know what else to say except I understand, and I'm sorry.
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  • pentagrlpentagrl
    thanks for all your support, and i know that everyone here understands. normally i wouldnt have posted it but i really needed to tell someone. and to make things worse now DH is watching the CSI about the murderer that killed a pregnant woman and took her baby to give to his sister. is it sick that part of me wishes that i had a brother that loved me enough to do that? i know its wrong but i thought it for a second. i'm so not fit to be a parent
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  • jeffraejeffrae member
    sorry you feel down....take a deep breath -- know that you don't want her baby, you want yours -- and keep your hope!
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  • SaraBobbySaraBobby
    (((HUGS)))
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