Our parents' mistakes

jenndub · March 2014

My parents were/are always super critical of my looks and weight. Now I have a very unhealthy relationship with scales and don't even have one in my house. If I have one at home, I will weigh myself 10-15 times a day. I obsess about my weight when I know what it is. In all of my pregnancies I have gained a healthy 25-29 pounds, but I have mentally struggled with it. I'm there once again, hating the part of my appointments when I have to find out my weight.

This makes me wonder what sort of long term damage I'm doing to my kids. I never criticize my appearance or weight in front of them, but I'm sure that I'm majorly scarring them in some other way. Do you guys ever wonder if, in our attempts to not repeat our parents' mistakes, we are just screwing them up in new and creative ways?

MommaP12 · March 2014

Yes. I can name things my mom did to "screw us 3 girls up" that I won't get into and while I'm doing those things, I already feel I've done some things that would screw my kids up (or at least DS since he's not a baby) and I already worry about it.

I have weight issues too and hope that I don't put that on my kids. I too never talk bad about myself in front of them, and hope it works. I really, really, need to work on my patience/frustration and not channeling that to things related to the kids/in front of them. I think I've also already made my 5 year old an aggressive driver, LOL! Oops.

jenndub · March 2014

I cuss way too much in front of my kids, so I'm probably passing that on to them.

redneckmomma25 · March 2014

I don't think any parent is perfect and yes we can try and learn from others mistakes however we will still make our own. Thank God kids are resilient. I hope I don't do too much damage but I am sure it is inevitable. I have little to no patience. Issues with my weight. Very negative body image. I hope I can always work on my shortcomings and always work to be a better person which will help me be a better mom.

Holly_1007 · March 2014

Add me to the cussing club. And the weight issues club. I love my kids though, so hopefully that will weigh in somewhere.

hmp1 · March 2014

I really can't think of anything my parents did that I feel damaged me in anyway. I remember at the time thinking they were over protective, but I can't say now that a midnight curfew is a terrible thing. The only thing that comes to mind that I would like to do differently is that my parents gave more freedom to my brother because he was a boy. So far, being sexiest isn't going to be an issue but if I have a girl one day I will keep that in mind.

I do think my sister would say that my parents lightened up a lot with me than with her, 13 years older. And I am always being teased for being the spoiled one in the family so I guess maybe my siblings have more hang ups than me.

Oh, thought of one. My dad used to argue politics with my grandfather all the time. I hated it and have sworn to never do that in front of my kids with my dad (we have very different political views). And DH's dad and stepmom are fighters and he has told them no fighting in front of our boys or we will leave.

jenndub · March 2014

@hmp1 I wish you were my mom.

MississippiCatfish · March 2014

My parents had an awful marriage but make everyone in town think they're fine. This gave me a huge fear of marriage for many years (ie. I thought that was normal and no one was actually happy). I have an amazing husband and my marriage is a million times happier than I ever dreamed it could be, so I guess it's been overcome!

AlinnJo · March 2014

I honestly think my parents did a great job. I'm very similar to hmp. I think I thought they were too overprotective at times but now I completely understand why. My sisters might have a different view also. They are both older and agree I was the spoiled one and my parents were way more lenient with me than them. But none of us had it bad.

The one thing can think of was that my mom wasn't very open with us about sex and when she did mention it when I was 17 it was completely awkward because I had already done it. I hope to have a more open relationship with my kids.

My H's family drinks a ton and we are very uncomfortable with it. His mom is not allowed to watch LO alone because she can't do it without drinking and lost her chance when she didn't respect our wishes one night when we were out. I don't want LO growing up and thinking that amount of drinking is normal or ok.

Flamingemu · March 2014

I don't want to speak badly of my mother tonight - but most things that can be done to a kid or in front of a kid happened to me. I am lucky that I have such a large family that helped me realize she was just an effed up person at a very young age. I pretty much do everything the opposite of my mother.

I am sure I will do something to scar my child(ren), but I figure that if I know what my insecurities are, I can at least try my best not to take them out on L. It helps that DH & I have completely different backgrounds and he helps ground me. So I know that if I start to eff up, he can help fix it for next time.

AKB090609 · March 2014

I think the major issue was the complete lack of supervision or communication during my adolescents.

My parents had a bitter divorce and were never able to communicate with each other as I was growing up I think I'm lucky that I never got into real trouble because no one was keeping track of what I did, where I went, or who I was with (there was a period of time where I was not at home for like 6 weeks when my father and stepmother were awake, the only way they knew I was home at all was because of clothing in the washer and food leaving the fridge).

I'm sure that a lot of the issues I have can be attributed to my parents and their brands of crazy, but I know that our kids will not have the issues I do because most of my issues have to do with trust and attachment and it is clear even now that DD forms strong attachments and is able to trust the adults in her life.

jenndub · March 2014

It makes me feel a lot better to see that some of you made it all of your childhoods with no major damage.

And maybe this is screwed up, but I also feel better that the rest of you went through some terrible shit and turned out awesome. I have a lot of respect for all of you ladies, and I guess that we're all doing pretty well, even if our parents weren't the greatest.

Unknown · March 2014

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tinyhumantoe · March 2014

I turned out to be a decent person, so I don't think I'll screw up my kid too much, nor will you guys :-D

Weight issues

Feeling gross about female stuff- puberty, periods, birth control, sexuality

Favorites... all 4 of us kids can rank the order and would come up with the same thing. The bottom two toggle but the top two are consistent. And the lies that come with justifying or hiding preferential treatment.

Talking behind kids' backs to the other kids. Get a friend to vent to, not your kids. I think that was the problem. Dad worked and didn't want to hear mom bitch, and mom had trouble keeping friends. I'm sure 4 kids didn't help the situation.

Dad worked a ton, TON. He missed my graduation, etc

Unfair and inconsistent treatment / punishment.

LyndseylovesHugh · March 2014

I had a really nice childhood and can not think of anything to crazy my parents did. I was an only child (I have a step-brother from my dad's second/current marriage that I consider my brother, but he did not come into my life until I was 10) and I think because of that my parents were a bit to over protective, especially my mom. But my mom is a worrier, she is still over protective of me and I am 32. I also think that my mom put a little to much pressure on me to get good grades, which was unnecessary because I put far more pressure on myself than anyone else could have. My dad was more of the "try your hardest and that is good enough" kind of parent, so that helped balance out my mom's pressure. But neither of those things really scared me or affected me to negatively.

I am sure I will be overprotective of my kids as well and I am sure I will expect them to get good grades/try their hardest at what ever they do. My H feels the same way about grades/trying hard and his parents put no pressure at all on him to get good grades, they really never pushed education at all even though his mom is a teacher. His mom has a masters degree but they did nothing to educate them on college or any sort of higher education. So I do not think it was my parents per se that made me this way, just they way I am hard-wired, just like my H is hard-wired that way.

redneckmomma25 · March 2014

I did not have a great child hood. My parents are not affectionate people. Love was implied. Not visible or verbal. Nothing was verbal. Bitter divorce. I almost failed 5th grade. There is a good chunk of that time I have minimal memories from. No recollection of leaving my childhood home. No recollection of the moves. I couldn't tell you when everything happened.

It all made me a strong person. I am who I am because of my parents mistakes.

Lack of communication is probably what did the most damage and that is fixable.

melody921 · March 2014

Ugh, I could have written this. My parents did not criticize my weight or appearance at all. But my mom and my grandmother were SO critical of themselves (and in my grandmother's case, of others) that I grew up with an ingrained idea of what a woman should look like. Even though I've never been what would be considered overweight, I've struggled off and on for years about my size and shape. In high school, I skipped meals; in college and beyond, I got crazy about exercise and was on restrictive diets. Now, I still battle with myself a lot bc right now I do have weight to lose, and it's a million times harder now than it was when I was actually already pretty damn thin and just couldn't see it. This just ties into a lot of striving for unattainable perfection in many areas of my life. I need to just let some things go, but I can't.

Another thing I struggled with for years was finding my voice. I was a very quiet kid. I didn't talk to a lot of people, never stuck up for myself, turned a lot of feelings inward. As I got older, I learned to speak out and probably went too far in the other direction with my opinions, ha. But I feel like I can't win either way. People want you to speak up, but then they don't want to hear what you have to say.

With my kids, I'm very cognizant of not bad-mouthing myself or others in front of them. And I'm conscious of giving them choices and making them feel that they are heard and that their voice is important, rather than brushing them off just as kids. I struggle not to yell sometimes when I'm frustrated, because I remember how much I hated when my mom yelled or when my parents fought with each other. Life is a lot of balancing, and like you said, I'm sure there's something I'm doing (or a great many things) that are not ideal. I think we all just need to do the best we can. I will be happy if my kids know they're loved and supported unconditionally, that they're respectful and that they work hard and know how to form solid relationships. Everything else will work itself out.

kelbel527 · March 2014

I already had that moment where I figured out I'm scarring Aedan by calling him chunky monkey for the first year of his life. When his brother started saying it as well, I stopped Luckily I don't think boys have as many weight issues as girls.

My parents divorced when I was 13. They didn't screw me up majorly or anything, but let's just say they weren't the best role models during that time. I will say that after my parents were married for 13 years, seemed happy and my Dad decided he wanted a divorce (this is all from my perspective as a child obviously) - it did scar me a little bit in my own marriage. Every once and awhile I have a freak out moment, worrying that DH will just up and leave me one day. He knows this about me and is amazing. But his parents have been married for 35 years, so he doesn't quite understand it.

miss50 · March 2014

My mom picked the wrong dad for me. Does that count? I have a constant need to please a man. In business, personally, athletically, i need that push and acceptance from a man.

MarisaKathleen · March 2014

My parents had an incredible marriage. The only thing I ever remember them fighting about was my oldest brother. They were/are awesome parents and I'm so lucky that I had that as opposed to what my DH had. In high school I thought they were too overprotective about things (even though I was super good) and my Dad jumped to conclusions like when he found cigarettes in my room at 16 which clearly was going to lead to drug use and teen pregnancy...but overall they were awesome.

They were non-traditional with punishments too. My parents never hit me. Instead they did things like take away my books for 3 days (I love to read.) Or on one trip to Harvard, IL for a family thing, I had to listen to Celine Dion the entire way there and back as part of a punishment. When my attitude was getting out of control, I spent every weekend for 2 months serving meals at St. Vincent de Paul with my Dad. There's a lot of those kind of things I will probably pass on.

BeebopandBuddy · March 2014

If my mom didn't manage to severely scar me, then I think we are all going to be ok. My mom has bipolar disorder and my childhood was a mess at times with her leaving for days or weeks at a time, barricaded doors, huge blow up fights with her and my dad, excessive drinking and her confiding in and relying on me way too much with her problems when I was not ready to handle them. I had to go to counseling in college to try to work through a lot of the issues and it has taken multiple times of me, as an adult, saying "You are grown ups, solve your own issues" before they finally stopped relying on me. I don't feel scarred by it. In fact, it ironically drove me into the mental health profession. My brother, on the other hand, is a mess. I'm not completely sure how all of that pieces together though.

Cheenomae · March 2014

I love my mom, but could go on for days. There are two things though that she was guilty of that I never want my kids to see. She had a terrible temper and she always thinks everyone is out to get her. She can't just take things for what they're worth.

OceanLover26 · March 2014

I feel like I lost a lot of trust in men growing up. For years I would just pick all the wrong guys to be with that were no good for me. I think it was because of the way my real dad walked out on us. I felt confused and like no one would ever really love me and that people never stayed together. It's hard to explain, but I can say that I too felt the need for a mans approval, no matter how temporary men stuck around or how bad they treated me. Today, I feel like I'm in a better place in my life than the past 10 years and have strengthened a lot. I just want my kids to be able to love themselves enough to walk away from someone that doesn't deserve them.

I think I've done an okay job with my kids for the most part and I'm still learning as I go. My mom however was awesome. She handled everything that was thrown her way with grace and always saw to our needs. We are very close today and I usually call her for any parenting advice because she's so realistic and level headed.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

This thread is really good for me to read as a parent.

Cheenomae · March 2014

dimples12 said:

I love my mom, but could go on for days. There are two things though that she was guilty of that I never want my kids to see. She had a terrible temper and she always thinks everyone is out to get her. She can't just take things for what they're worth.
Hey lady. Hugs.

Hey, thanks, @dimples12. Right back at ya!!

Pokedot · March 2014

I think my parents did a great job of raising us. They never fought in front of us, are still affectionate and speak highly of eachother. I really think DH and I are very similar to them in our relationship. They will be married 33 years in September.

My faults is that I tend to have a short fuse on things with B. I try and try but sometimes I just can't bottle it in. I don't swear or anything but my blood can boil for sure. I really need to work on it and I try. I just don't want that to affect him especially as he gets older.

Flamingemu · March 2014

cheeseandrice said:

I think it's healthy for kids to see parents disagree and resolve conflict, but I'll never every say a bad word about H to her like my mom did.

I didn't have a dad growing up to worry about this, but it happeed to DH in a very similar manner. He called me out on it once when L was teeney. I made the comment to L that daddy was being an ashole so we were going out. I didn'teven think about it, I was passively trying to get him to understand his actions, but because of the parent pitting he freakd. I haven't done it since.

redneckmomma25 · March 2014

My dad told me my mom didn't love me so that I would move in with him. Who says that to your child ?

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

redneckmomma25 said:

My dad told me my mom didn't love me so that I would move in with him. Who says that to your child ?

omg.

I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately, some variation of this is probably pretty common

redneckmomma25 · March 2014

tinyhumantoe said:

redneckmomma25 said:

My dad told me my mom didn't love me so that I would move in with him. Who says that to your child ?

omg.

I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately, some variation of this is probably pretty common

I turned out ok. But yeah. Divorce was messy.

MommaP12 · March 2014

Cheenomae said:

I love my mom, but could go on for days. There are two things though that she was guilty of that I never want my kids to see. She had a terrible temper and she always thinks everyone is out to get her. She can't just take things for what they're worth.

Hugs @Cheenomae. I could have gone on forever too which is why I didn't even begin...

Props to all you awesome mamas who came out great despite less than ideal childhods and learned from your parents mistakes! Every generation has the chance to improve and break the old cycles. I've broken 2 cycles in my family already!

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

Do you guys think our kids will be saying that our mistakes were always having our face in the phone?

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

origamipoppy said:

tinyhumantoe said:

Do you guys think our kids will be saying that our mistakes were always having our face in the phone?

Yes. I'm actually really worried about this.

Eta: As a generation on the whole. We have been making a really conscious effort to not be completely consumed, and my friends know that if I don't text back right away, I'm probably busy. But I think this might be one of those big generational problems that's hard to predict because it's so new.

Me too. Also, television.

Cheenomae · March 2014

MommaP12 said:

Cheenomae said:

I love my mom, but could go on for days. There are two things though that she was guilty of that I never want my kids to see. She had a terrible temper and she always thinks everyone is out to get her. She can't just take things for what they're worth.

Hugs @Cheenomae. I could have gone on forever too which is why I didn't even begin...

Props to all you awesome mamas who came out great despite less than ideal childhods and learned from your parents mistakes! Every generation has the chance to improve and break the old cycles. I've broken 2 cycles in my family already!

Aw, thanks, @MommaP12. You're one of those mama's too. I'm proud of you for breaking the cycles!! I'm not perfect by any means and I have a lot of faults, but not all my siblings have broken the cycles and it's sad to watch. Gives me more motivation for sure!

MommaP12 · March 2014

origamipoppy said:

I'm actually less worried about television, TBH. I grew up watching way too much TV and I know that and I don't want my kid to watch way too much TV, but I still have (and had) hobbies and love to be outside and what not. Maybe since TV is typically passive I'm less worried about it.

One of my NY resolutions was to put the phone away when I'm with the kids, but I have done a terrible job at this and really need to focus on them when I'm with them. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to flip phones or no phone at all (I guess I technically could, but you know.)

I'm not worried about TV either. We do turn it off when we're home sometimes or put on the music channels. I grew up on a TON of TV, including - get this one for excellent parenting - many memories of watching Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show with my grandpa. Yup, watching late night talk at 10pm at age 3 or 4. I turned out okay.

AKB090609 · March 2014

redneckmomma25 said:

My dad told me my mom didn't love me so that I would move in with him. Who says that to your child ?

When I was 13 my father told me that my mother was clinically insane and a terrible parent. I looked him dead in the eye and said "Even if that is true, you are a worse parent for saying that to a kid, don't you know your not suposed to bad mouth her? She's my mom!" I ran away that night (to my Mom's house) and stopped talking to him.

redneckmomma25 · March 2014

AKB090609 said:

redneckmomma25 said:

My dad told me my mom didn't love me so that I would move in with him. Who says that to your child ?

When I was 13 my father told me that my mother was clinically insane and a terrible parent. I looked him dead in the eye and said "Even if that is true, you are a worse parent for saying that to a kid, don't you know your not suposed to bad mouth her? She's my mom!" I ran away that night (to my Mom's house) and stopped talking to him.

I was younger than that. I can't remember when exactly. I think I pretended not to hear him. There was also a voice mail on our home phone of him yelling at my mom that she was a terrible parent. She would go out once a week and hire a baby sitter. We literally lived 100ft from the bar. Maybe not the best choice but she wasn't a terrible parent for it.

GR8TDANEMOM · March 2014

I love my parents but my mom spoiled me way to much. I loved at the time that she did my laundry and made my bed when I was in college, but It was a difficult adjustment when I went off on my own. I also loved that she would let me get away with stuff and not tell my dad. We are so close now but I'm kinda mad for my dad. He was left out of a lot and it wasn't right.

tinyhumantoe · March 2014

Oh..... Cleaning/housework. So I worked really hard in school and racked up the hours with a steady job, but literally the only time I had to clean was when I was being punished. Or 15 minutes before I had plans to go out with friends, my room had to be clean. I LOATHE cleaning and house work. It stresses my marriage sometimes. I will have W pitch in around the house a lot, and not as punishment.

pharmer78 · March 2014

tinyhumantoe said:

Oh..... Cleaning/housework. So I worked really hard in school and racked up the hours with a steady job, but literally the only time I had to clean was when I was being punished. Or 15 minutes before I had plans to go out with friends, my room had to be clean. I LOATHE cleaning and house work. It stresses my marriage sometimes. I will have W pitch in around the house a lot, and not as punishment.

We would make the perfect 50's era couple. You bring home the bacon, and I'll have the house clean, dinner in the oven, and a drink waiting for you when you come home!

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